Making the move...

As some of you know I have been blogging for a little while (just over a year in fact, how did that happen?)

I have been keeping a blog in WordPress for DJ – like a memory of his time growing.  I got the inspiration from the Google Chrome advert, and I thought it was such a precious gift to have when DJ grows up.

As with this blog, I have my lapses.  But I loved the set up of WordPress, especially for comments (as you can reply to comments).  And I thought if I had all my blogs in one place I might actually be better at keeping them all up to date!  Well, that’s the plan anyway.

So this morning, instead of writing up some uni work, I decided to make the jump and export all my posts from Blogger to WordPress.  So welcome to my new hide-out!

I’m not sure how to transfer my followers (If anyone has the answer, please can you let me know?), and the site needs some fine tuning (I still have to make the design work for me) but I hope that I can get into blogging more now I am in one place rather than scattered about all over.  I suppose only time will tell!

I hope that you would still want to follow my journey on WordPress- but for a while I will be keeping both posts open (though it will be a duplication)

Exhaustion

I'm not sure whether it is the time of the year or the amount of uni work I have piled up around me, but for a couple of months, I have been beyond exhausted.  I am actually more tired than I was when DJ was born!

I wake up tired, and by midday my eyes feel like burning coals.  I can't think.  I can't function.

I decided that it was probably just an iron thing.  Anaemia is not new for me, though it is usually linked to endo and heavy periods.  Since being on the Pill, heavy bleeding isn't really an issue (one blessing I suppose), but I still hoped that they could draw some blood, and prescribe me a tablet.  Problem solved!

NO!

My doctor decided to run billions of tests (yes a small exaggeration, but when there are 8 vials of blood being taken, it might as well be that many for me).  And I am hopefully back tomorrow for the results.  I am still pinning hopes on the low iron levels, but I have a sneaky feeling nothing will come back abnormal and I will be told nothing.

I know stress can do this.  But I've had periods of depression before and never felt this drained.

Perhaps I need a good night's sleep?  Or just to not get out of bed for a week?

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow brings some good news and a magic pill to make me feel more human!

Touching a nerve

I have just read a beautiful post by a wonderful blogger missohkay.  Each post is touching and genuine, I thoroughly recommend!

The above post has touched a nerve today.  Everything mentioned is just how I feel recently, but I realise that I have brought this upon myself.

I too am introverted, and my entry into social media was to spend time with like-minded people who could support each other through the difficult times and share the elation of the occasion good news, because I have no-one in my real-life circle of friends who I could do this with (about infertility at least).  In fact, due to infertility, I have become more and more isolated from others, to the point where it is nothing more than a Christmas card exchange and occasional Facebook message.

It almost became an addiction.  My time spent interacting with real people (like my hubby) dropped and there was a lot of charging of my mobile phone to spend more time on Twitter!

But when we entered into the last IVF cycle I realised that I was actually quite alone.  Submerging myself in this Twitterverse had made me become nothing more than an infertile.  I suppose I felt that way already (hadn't that been why I sought something to help?), but now I realised that we are all there with our own problems and issues and I wasn't comfortable sharing my own story.

I feel bad for this... I should give more credit to the gorgeous people in this network.  If they didn't want to help me when I needed them, then they wouldn't!  But I panicked.  And I turned to my stock-response when I panic - I closed off from everything.

At the time this was ok.  I convinced myself it was so I could focus on the cycle.  But from this point it has never been the same for me.

This is not a reflection on anyone else (crikey, I sound like I'm breaking up with you!).  People are still there.  But I don't think I am.

And now, after reading the post, I have realised that I haven't been there for others as much as I would have liked.  I have read posts and doubted that they would want my comment in return.

Oh FFS!  Grow some Balls, Dawn!  I realise how this sounds.  But right now I am filled with so much self-doubt...

I suppose my message is that I'm sorry.  If I follow you on Twitter or your blog, then I do follow your journey.  Even when I am quiet, I am not ignoring you.

When did Twitter-relationships become so much more than just a name on a screen?

Seeing you soon

I'm not really sure why, but I have been missing from my blog and Twitter for a while.  To be honest, thinking about it, I do know why...  I've run out of words, feelings and energy.

Everyday is a battle to stay awake, to make it through the next hour.  I've not just excluded myself from my online support network, but I have also excluded myself from friends, family and myself.

I can barely function as a person any more - uni, IF, endo crap, family....

I know that so many people are feeling this way.  I'm sorry for feeling this way.

I wish I could think of what to say.  I wish I could kick myself up the backside, but in all honesty, lifting my leg that high seems an impossibility (haha)

I'll see you soon, when I have something nice to share.  When I can lift my fingers to type.  When I am not lost within the mess and darkness of myself.

Ending a terrible week

Well, after the rubbish news my hubby decided to deliver to me this week, we have really struggled as a couple. For me, it is about how he can change his mind so suddenly, without warning, when it was him that pushed forward for adoption.  For him, it is understanding how I can be so stuck on having another child.

I know that I have never seen myself without my hubby.  We have managed to get through so much, and yet this is one of the biggest struggles facing our relationship.  I don't want to place another child before my marriage - would I want another child without my hubby there with me? - but I cannot give up on the hope that I will have another child.

I am so confused and I seem to have handled this with ignorance...  I'm completely not thinking about what he has said, in fact in my head, if I am to be completely honest I am convinced he will change his mind.  Though in all the years we have been together, I think I know that this is not a decision he will step back from easily.  Am I right to stay deluded?  Am I just prolonging the pain?  But I can't face the future without that hope, and that dream.

I sound pathetic, and SOOOOO child-like, but I keep playing over and over in my mind the times he said "I promise we will have another child one day, whatever we have to do to get there..."  HE PROMISED!  Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a toddler.  But when such a word is precious in a relationship, then why would he go back on it?

His timing couldn't be worse.  I had to go and see my consultant on Friday.  The outcome was not great - it seems that the IVF drugs have kicked started the endo again, and I am booked to have my second laparoscopy this year!  This is becoming ridiculous - I have more scars on my tummy button and surrounding area than I should, and it seems I will be getting another one to join the gang in December.

Before then though I have to make a proper start on my dissertation - oh, yeah, hubby also winded me on that front... my dissertation is about infertility, so I have no choice but to surround myself in details of cycles and the pain it causes - someone remind me why I wanted to tackle this topic?

So as it stands today, the only way I can survive is by being completely delusional about my relationship and about whether we will have more children.  I am tired of this pain, and just wish that someone, somewhere had a spare hundred thousand pounds or so...is money the answer?  Yes, for now I actually think that it is...

When you hit rock bottom, there's an abyss open up

Yesterday my world collapsed around me.

I have been keeping a big secret from you, mostly because there was such a long way to go and I wasn't sure what I was allowed to say - but we decided that we were going to extend our family through adoption.

We had spoken about it for a very long time.  Each time we mentioned it, we were both filled with excitement and we soon realised that this was how we wanted to have more children.

When we applied, there were setbacks - mostly because we had fertility treatment this year - but we knew we had to be patient and this was just one of many obstacles which would present itself.

But this last week, hubby has been suffering again, and has been in bed for a lot of time.  It gave him time to think, and I suppose this made the timing of yesterday's phone call from the agency harder.  Basically, hubby is concerned that he would fail the medical, the agency would want us to wait another 6 months because of our IVF (this is their second moving of our application) and DJ needs to be 5 (which he will be in May) before we can think about registering our interest again.

So we have taken the first few steps and then told to hold back - what is this?  Are we not good enough?

Hubby then dropped the bomb-shell that he didn't think he could cope with trying for another child.  No adoption.  No IVF (should we managed to find £6,000 on the street).  Nothing.

So here I am today, with fresh pain, no sleep and floods of tears not knowing where my life is going any more.  Today I am struggling to cope with living and if it weren't for DJ I don't dare think about where I would be.

Today, my heart has been ripped out and my soul left torn.  I thought I was on a path WITH my husband.  Instead I am now feeling very alone.

Making decisions

We've been thinking a lot about our future in terms of whether we need to turn our back on our wishes to have a second child or not.

The crunch is this - we have no money to try IVF again.  I'm not working, so we don't have the chance to save for another try for the foreseeable future.  We have already borrowed the money to try last time, and we have run out of loan options.

I think this is why it feels so unfair.  It feels like this decision has been made for us, rather than it being a decision we reached together.

So we are looking at our options.  We still seem to be filled with such uncertainty, and I can see that this is where the problems in marriages can start.

Infertility is filled with so much tension, self-hate and jealousy.  There is so much pain, so many questions, and way too much money needed to have a family.  Each partner feels somewhat to blame - even when there is a diagnosis - because the 'ok' partner has added pressure to get it right.

Infertility is both a shared problem and a very lonely experience.

I hate being in this position.  I hate knowing that there are very good, beautiful people out there going through similar feelings.  I despise (yes, a strong word, yet sadly true) those people that do not deserve the ease in which they get pregnant (you know the ones!).  I hate myself for the jealousy and bitterness I feel towards my fertile friends.

Surely it's time they found a magic potion to make all this go away...

Hope of a little person. Thanks DJ

Every day there seems to be a challenge doesn't there?  Some days are way tougher than others; some days the challenge is merely to get out of bed in the morning (especially with this cold weather).

Infertility is such a dominating, and difficult, journey, that sometimes you forget who you actually are...were... without it in your life.

I can tell you that, even though I am so very lucky to have DJ in my life, the 'infertile' me still rules my life on more occasions that I wish it did.  I often loose sight of who I am, who I want to be.  And if you aren't careful, it starts to hide who you are from your friends and your family.

For the last year or so, DJ has become more and more adamant about wanting siblings in his life.  He asks at least once a day when he will get a 'baby brother and baby sister'.  Even to the point of him looking at bunk beds for when the day arrived.

As you can imagine, a few months ago, this was torture for me.  I fought back the tears and told him that babies take a lot of time, and love (I didn't think that a 4-year-old should hear all about the injections, probing and MONEY).  I sometimes had to leave and would hide in the bathroom sobbing until I couldn't cry any more.

It still hurts.  I'm not going to lie.  But what I am starting to take from his love and thought of siblings, is that he will make a fantastic big brother some day.  He has so much hope that a brother and a sister will be in his life at some time in the future.  I know that this hope comes filled with naivity.  But it has made me realise how much hope I have lost.

We can't ignore the fact that more children will come easily to us.  We can't hide away from the pain that losing the babies this year has caused us.  But what we can do is realise that there is hope for us.  DJ can feel it, and so can we.

So this weeks Thankful Thursday is to you DJ, for reminding me to have hope, and for keeping it alive when it had died inside me.

I hate waiting!

Anyone who has been through any aspect of infertility will know that the one thing that you have to do a lot of is waiting!  You wait for this test, and that result.  You wait the infamous 2 week wait, and then (if you are lucky enough to get a BFP) you have to wait another to have a viability scan.  The waiting never seems to end.

So you would think that by now, after so many years of this torture, I would have SOME patience, and tolerance to the occasional delay etc.... well, you think wrong!

Waiting is perhaps the most agitating thing in my life.  I despise it!

Sometimes I think that my patience pot has dried up from being so heavily used over time.  It seems that I have less and less willingness to forgive people when they don't return my call that I am sat waiting for, or for the person to start moving when the traffic lights turn green.  The list is endless of the things that I cannot stand waiting for.

So if you have the (dis)pleasure of having to deal with me - please, please know that I am not very patient.  This is especially important if I am a student at the university where you work and you should be presenting a lecture which I have paid to be at! (Hint, hint)

Rant over, and now back to waiting to see if I receive my important phone call today...  Like I said, it never ends.

Thinking of the next step

You know when things aren't going to plan, what do you do?

Life seems to insist on throwing me curve-balls or just being plain awkward.  I'd like to think that this is to keep me on my toes, but I have a feeling that it is just simply out of spite!

Yes, I do learn from the twists and turns that come up.  I face the challenges that occur - sometimes with a smile and a spring in my step, sometimes with a tear and slumped shoulders - but as yet I seem to have managed to come through the other side with some success.

As I type this, I am faced with a mammoth task of moving forward; of planning the next few years of my life...our life.  In a few months time, my uni degree will be over and I need to be thinking about life after graduation.  I know what my ultimate goal is, I am clear about that at least.  But I am confused about the bits around it.  The bits of life that are more important in so many ways - children, where we live, money!

I am a lover of 'the list'.  I like to organise myself.  I like to know what is happening, and in what order.  I like planning.  But if I have learned anything over the last year or so, is that planning doesn't always go to plan.  Stuf doesn't happen in the order it was supposed to; things happen which aren't on the list (plain rude if you ask me), and stuff on the list sometimes never happens at all!

So for now, you might from time to time hear my musings ramblings about what the Hell I am going to do with my life.  But I promise that this is nothing more than me thinking aloud - perhaps you might be able to say something that makes me look at another option, perhaps you might be able to push me in the right direction when I am just scared to look that way (in a nice way of course ;0) )

Thanks for being there!

New toys!

This weeks Thankful Thursday is my thanks to my gorgeous hubby and various people at uni to make it possible that I got a new laptop!

This is the first time I've had my own computer, and not had to use the family laptop.  But as I have started to work extra hard on my dissertation, and hubby has become more and more a fan of online shopping, then it was time to get a new laptop just for me.

So my thanks this week is for the miracle of technology and the excitement (yes, I am really that sad) that I got from having my laptop and various other gadgets delivered this week!

This is tough

First off I just want to ask that you don't judge me too much for this post.

As I have mentioned before, hubby has a degenerative bone condition which means that he suffers a lot of pain in his lower back and hips.  From time to time this pain reaches a point where he cannot get out of bed - sometimes for a day, sometimes a few days, sometimes weeks at a time.

I know that this is tough for him, but sometimes I think people forget how hard it is for DJ and me.  We are the ones that are left to care for him, and still live the normal life of being a family.

Recently, there has been more and more occasions of hubby being in bed than being with us as a family.  This usually happens once or twice a year, when he is bed for at least a week, but it has been more like 4 or 5 this year so far.

And here is my confession - each time I am feeling more and more angry.  I'm not angry with S as such; I'm angry that I am feeling more alone with each passing time.  Alone and isolated.  But I take it out on him.  I hate myself for saying this, but I feel so much anger towards S it becomes painful.

DJ is amazing with his Daddy when he is poorly.  He tries to understand (as well as any 4 year old can) how much his Daddy hurts and needs to rest to get better.  But I hate this for him.

I really admire those people that care full-time for a loved one.  I desperately wish I had more patience and tolerance for the pressure and strain disability places on me.  I think that the unknown is what causes me to not cope with it when it does happen... I never know from one day to the next when and for how long it will be like this.

All I do know is that this is likely to become more and more frequent as time passes.  Selfishly this makes me furious - doctors can cure so many diseases, yet this is beyond their remit.  Instead, they drug him and hope that he can manage the pain.

I hate me for this.  I have to learn to cope, but how?

A long awaited Thankful Thursday...

I know that I haven't managed to bring myself to blog for a while, and as such my Thankful Thursdays have been a victim of neglect, but let's see how this goes...

This week seems to have passed in a little bit of a blur of uni, school runs and emotions.  Yet sat here now, just back from DJs first harvest festival, I am reminded of the words of the Reverend a few moments ago - 'let us be thankful for what we have'.

I'll be honest, I'm not what someone would describe as a practicing Christian.  I live my life good (or try to) and I think that is more important that visiting your local Church and playing lip service to the meaning of the messages you hear... I hope that makes sense, and doesn't offend.

Anyway, as we sat in quiet prayer, the soft voice of the Reverend spoke a beautiful prayer.  Intended for the children about how we should be thankful for the plentiful food we have, but as he spoke, all I could think was how terrible I have been in the last few months.  I haven't truly celebrated what I DO have, and focused on the injustice and things I have lost.

I suppose sitting in the middle of a packed church, silently crying wasn't the intention, but still it was a little moment when I thought about getting myself in forward gear.

I don't ever think that you let go of your grief.

I don't think that you should forget.

I don't want to ever forget.

But I know you have to move forward.  I know that you have to learn to live with grief in your life, but not with grief being your life.

In so many ways I feel guilty for moving forward.  As I've been living in a state of autopilot much of the time, I have avoided the feelings, but as I am trying to fight the emotional battle of moving forward, I am fighting the guilt of leaving a life that should have been and isn't.

Back after a desperately needed break...

Hello Blogger-verse

Hope you are all ok.  I know I have been missing for a little while - I decided I needed to have a break from a lot of things, and just focus on one or two bits of my life.

I've done that as well as I can.  I'm not sure I've been 100% successful in my 'break'...  I've sneaked peeks on Twitter and then had to hide away again; I've tried to blog and then had to delete it; I've tried to log onto Facebook and then regretted it.  BUT, I have limited my access and I am feeling better for it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to throw myself back into everything all at once, but I am hoping I am stronger.

So during my break, life has gone on as it always does.  I'm back at uni full-time, DJ is doing really well at school and I'm just trying to find some organisation in this chaos.

I have used the time to make some decisions - about uni, my future career, extending our family.  I will share these with you over the next few days and weeks.  Some are still in their early stages, some are very exciting, some are too hard for me to finalise as yet.

But we have made decisions.  We have managed to think beyond the day/week.  We have thought, and talked, about things we have been avoiding for a long time.

I hope that you are still around to share this next stage of the journey with us.  I hope you don't feel neglected.

See you soon, I promise
x

Happy 8th anniversary

Today is my 8th anniversary.

The days and years since my wedding day have been filled with so much love and for that I am so very thankful.

In 8 years, S and I have learned to love each other more and more.  We have faced some challenges, but we always face them together to come through the other end.

Overall, the 8 years have been filled with more smiles than tears - I'm not sure many marriages can say that.

There are some things which we had hoped to achieve by today... about family, careers, health... which still elude us and are on our 'to do' list.  Yet despite that, we are blessed with each other, DJ and lots of love.

So today, my message is...  Once you find love, hold onto it with both hands.  Sometimes it will be difficult, but when you manage it, it makes the tough times seem so worthwhile.

Happy anniversary, S, my husband and my best friend.  xxxx

A late Thankful Thursday

I've been a bit neglectful of my blog generally, and my Thankful Thursdays in particular.

I'm really struggling to stay awake and find the time and energy to do anything more than the housework, looking after DJ and everything else.

I know it's a day late - I'm sorry.  I did intend to get here yesterday, but alas I failed.

This week I am just want to say thanks for fresh air.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, but bare with me...

Walking DJ to and from school everyday has given me the chance to take 10/15 minutes to myself.  I'm getting some exercise, though not much, and I am enjoying breathing deeply in the fresh air of the countryside.

At this time of year, I have no hayfever.  I can enjoy being outside without struggling to breathe.

I live in a little village.  Yes - it is on the edge of a large town, and it is busy in itself.  BUT where we live it is quiet and peaceful.  I walk to the school by the path running along the back of the school playing field and the church.

I see no cars for most of the walk, and I can hear the birds, the wind rustle the trees and the buzzing of little insects.

In those few minutes between my house and the school gate, I feel alone, and it feels nice.

Tears at bedtime

After my post last night, I was extremely unsettled.  The tears started and wouldn't stop.

Several hours later, hubby and I hope we have cleared the air.

I don't like who I am.  I've got so much anger and hatred for life at the moment.  I'm convinced that I have lost the ability to love and care.

I just hope this gets better soon.  Please let me find me again

Doubts

Do you ever have those days/weeks when you face everything with doubt?

Well, I'm having one of those moments.  I'll admit it has been brewing for a little while.  I don't know what triggered it, but it is definitely there.

I doubt myself all the time - can I actually do well at uni in my 3rd and final year?  Am I a good Mummy to DJ?  Can I overcome the tough moments to make my marriage work?  Do I have the energy or the will to make the effort when things seems tough?

For example, today I spent most of the day on my own collecting a new bed for DJ.  I came home and though I had a nice couple of hours when I got home, at tea time, everything went wrong...  I hate that I can't emotionally engage with hubby at the moment, and this seems to be having some knock on effects to everything else.

I have tried speaking to him, but I don't think that he fully understands what I am trying to say.  Perhaps because I don't know what I'm trying to say either.

I've been here before.  I sink into this self-hating, self-doubting mess from time-to-time.  Let's just see how I get myself out of this one.

xxx

Late but this week's Thankful Thursday...

I feel pretty stupid this morning to realise that I had written this, but just not published it - ooops!

I'm sorry to mention it again, but this week's thanks goes to my little DJ.  I promise I will try to not mention it much more (I've created a separate blog for my posts about him, so not to keep mentioning him here - I hate to upset others).

This week has been such a big step for my little man, yet he has handled it with grace and a smile.  I could have been a blubbering wreck, as some of the other Mums have been, but instead, DJ has made dropping him off each day easy.

He runs in with a smile on his face, and I know that he is happy.

But I am especially thankful for the smile I get when he sees me waiting for him at the gate.  His little face lights up and he runs towards me, so excited and so loving.

Thank you DJ.  Mummy and Daddy are very proud of you and we love you so very much xxx

My busy week

Hello there!

Sorry I have been MIA for a week or so, but life has been pretty hectic around here.

DJ started school on Monday, I've started a blog dedicated to DJ (to keep him away from the ugliness that is me at the moment), I got my uni exam results back and I have been generally trying to juggle everything without a catastrophic mess around me.

First things first, I cannot talk about this week without mentioning how unbelievably proud of DJ I am.  Every afternoon this week he has walked straight into school like he is years older.  He loves it and I am really proud of how he has made the transition into being a big boy.

I have been faced with a mix of emotions - my little boy is growing up faster than I am ready for him to.  But despite this, I am hugely proud of his cheery approach to life and all it has to offer.  I think he could teach many of us a lesson about life and how to smile!

In the excitement of DJ starting school, I had forgotten about the release of my exams results yesterday.  That was until I had a text from my MIL asking how I had got on!!!  Bless her!

I was thrilled that I managed to get a 1st overall for the year, which is a great start for going into my 3rd year. I just need to knuckle down and get focused.

As is always the case with me, I was a very disappointed with myself over one of my exam results.  But I know where I need to improve, and I promise myself I will do better.  Plus, it hasn't knocked my mark down too much.  Yes, I know I am very self-critical, but this is how I strive for improvement!


Finally, despite a shaky start this morning (or should I say a shouty start?) it has ended on a positive.  I have just received an email about a volunteering opportunity which I have been waiting to hear about for a while.  I'm just waiting for the training dates and then it's all systems go!!!!  I just hope that I can find the time to fit it all in.

All in all, a good week...

xxx

My sister replies...

On my return from our couple of days away, I saw a handwritten letter sat on the doormat - my sister's handwriting.

I decided to not open it for a few days because I wanted to enjoy thinking about spending time with my little boy rather than think about what she had to say.

But I opened it last night... I won't share everything, but here goes some of the highlights:

Dear Dawn,


I'm not sure where to start.  I haven't contacted you because I am embarrassed about how I told you about the baby.  I didn't think.  I should have been more sensitive, I'm sorry.


Mark and I weren't planning this baby, though we had talked about it in our future.  I know how you feel.  I know what it is like to want a baby and someone else is pregnant, though I know I haven't had to inject myself to get pregnant.


I am here for you when you are ready.


Love you


S
xxx


As you can imagine, there are a few mixed feelings about this response:

1. I know that her intention was to be sympathetic, but S, you have NO idea what it is like to want a baby and see other people pregnant.  Especially when the other people are like you and fall pregnant by 'accident' without any effort.  It is more than just the injections, the scans, the hormones...  It is the emotional investment, pain and heart break that fertility treatment involves.
2. Yes, you should have been more sensitive about how you told me about being pregnant.  Grabbing the phone off Mum and saying that you had just been to the hospital with M (then boyfriend) because you had not started your period, and you were pregnant.  But the point of your conversation was to moan that Mum hadn't given you the money to pay M to take you to the hospital!!!  Firstly, he is working full-time so should pay his own petrol money.  Secondly, if he is man enough to make a baby, then he should take responsibility and this involves driving you to the hospital if needs be.
3. You really cannot compare your situation with mine.  Never try, this is a greater insult than you know.

I am not sure what to do with this now.

Do I just ignore it?  Do I ask Mum to tell her thanks for the letter and I will be in touch soon?

I hate my life at the moment.  I hate waking up everyday and knowing that I have to live this.

Thankful Thursday returns

After a break because of exams, revision and illness, my Thankful Thursday post is back.

I'm actually writing this a day early because on Thursday I am away.  And that is what I am thankful for this week...my little brother.

He is in the RAF and has had a pretty awful year with his short-lived marriage breaking up, needing to move house and going out to Afghanistan.  Yet despite this, he still thought about me, hubby and DJ.

He knows money is just not existent at the moment for us, and a holiday is completely beyond reach, so he invited us to share the Family Day at his base this Thursday.  DJ will be able to explore the helicopter that my brother flies, and there is a range of family activities for us on the day.

Without him, we would be stuck in this house, with the memories and the torment.  Instead, we are going to take a couple of days away and remember what it is like to have a giggle and smile.

Dear Sister

After being unable to find the words to say to my sister, I decided that I should send her a letter to hopefully explain why I have not been in touch.  It went something like this...

Dear S


I just wanted to let you know why I haven't been around lately.  I know that I should probably do this face-to-face, but right now I just can't and I hope by the end of this letter you realise why.


I know that you are having a bit of a tough time with M.  I desperately want to be there for you, but at the moment, I need to sort myself out before I can be strong enough to help you and others.


Please know I am really happy for you - as long as you are happy, that is all I need to know.  But at the moment, I am still caught up in my pain and heartbreak.  I struggle to live each day.  My grief has stolen my smiles and my ability to share happiness.  I can barely leave the house in case I stumble across another baby bump or newborn.  I live knowing what should have been, and so I am trying to avoid any reminders of that, until I am able to cope.


I just want you to know that I think about you lots.  I have always loved you, and will always do so.  I want you to be happy and as soon as I can I will be there for you as much as you need me.


I hope this explains how it is at the moment.  Please forgive me.


All my love


xxx


Let's just hope there is no bad fall out...  Only time will tell

WTF appointment

On Tuesday was the dreaded day of our WTF appointment - the review appointment with the clinic following from our last IVF/ICSI cycle.

It was a day filled with memories and emotions - 5 years earlier I had been at the same clinic, in the same room waiting for my 1st down reg scan, plus it was the day I should have been celebrating being 16 weeks pregnant with my babies.

My sister had been for her scan on Monday and filled Facebook with the pics of her growing baby.  It turns out she is 11 weeks).

Mr H was lovely.  He is always so gentle and compassionate.  He recognised how much loosing our babies has hurt us, but he was positive and kept talking about the future.

We explained that the future is a little uncertain...we have no money, we have no way of getting any, and we are not sure we ever will.

It seems that my low AMH is not a concern, I just need higher stims (which of course means more money), my egg quality is good, hubby's swimmers are good, and he sees no reason why another cycle would end in the same way as it did this time.

For now we just have to try and save money and mend our hearts to see if we can ever go back to the clinic with a view to starting this whole thing again.

In the meantime, he is referring me to the gynae clinic to monitor my endo.  I have to stay on BCPs for a few months and then I'll be scanned again to check how that endometrioma has changed if at all.

I know I should have come out of the appointment more positive.  I did.  But I can't stop the feeling that the appointment shouldn't have happened.  I should have been able to hold onto my babies.  I should be at the hospital for a scan to check my babies, not some blood-filled, pain-causing mess inside me.

Facebook and Twitter break

I can't lie...my heart is still broken.

I just can't seem to come to terms with the loss of our babies.

I have noticed though that I can cope better with my own feelings when I am away from Twitter and Facebook.

I have been away due to my revision and exams, and for the first time in a very long time, I haven't missed it.  And when I logged onto to each, the tears just flowed.

Please don't judge me.  But I just can't handle seeing my little sister's scan pics, my friends pregnancy updates and bump pics on Facebook.  I can't cope with seeing my Tweeties start on their IVF cycles, knowing that I can't do the same.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish them all the best.  I want everyone to know the love and joy of being a parent, especially those that have endured so much pain on the way.

I feel awful, but I need to protect myself.  I need to stay away until I can come to terms with my own feelings.

I'm not sure how long this will take.  I will still be blogging.  I hope that this gives me the place to document my recovery from the depth of this heartbreak.

Uniforms and shoes

The countdown is on... just 2 weeks left of having a little boy.  Two weeks until DJ starts school.

This week we've bought his school shoes (wow £38!!!!), tops, jumpers and trousers.  Just a few last pieces to get and then he's set.

I have such mixed feelings about it all.  I love seeing him grow up and develop.  I know he's ready to go (he's been ready for a few months).  But it's also filled with sadness that my baby is no more, instead I have a big boy.

For the next 2 weeks I plan to make the most of the time we have together.

I'm back!!!

After a forced break thanks to those dreaded uni exams, I am thrilled to say that they are done!!!!!

Last week was a nightmare - 4 exams in 5 days, hubby bed-bound, DJ staying with his Nanna.  It was horrible.  All I wanted was a hug from someone who loved me, but I felt completely alone.

As grateful as I was for my MIL looking after DJ for nearly all week, I missed him more than I could bare.  Hubby barely spoke to me, and no-one called me (apart from DJ) to ask me how I was getting on.

I had a total of 12 hours sleep over the whole week, and I'm still exhausted.  Plus the stress has left with a stinking cold which now means I can't sleep because I can't breathe.

Sorry for sounding like a moaning Minnie - but that's it now.  They are done for now, and now just to wait for the results in a few weeks time.

Until then I have my little boy with me all the time now.  He's not at nursery and every day is a 'home day' before he starts school in September.

I have much to blog about, but for now, I'm just rebuilding myself after the strain of last week.

Missed you and see you soon xxx

Small steps in the right direction

As I have mentioned before, I can't really try with the whole exercise thing at the moment, but I have been making a big effort with the diet.

And though I am starving a lot of the time, and I have to be careful not to get too tired because I've been suffering from terrible headaches when I get too tired/hungry, but I have managed to loose 1kg!

I've managed to cut my diet down.  I've cut out bread, and replaced it with yeast free wraps and pittas.

Lets hope this can keep going and when the exams are over, I can start exercise and the fat will disappear!

Staying thankful?

Another Thursday, and another day for saying thanks for something...

This week I have been mostly keeping to myself, so I am thankful for caller ID on my phone - makes avoiding people easier (especially my sister).

I'm also thankful for Facebook allowing me to stalk my sister without her knowing how much she is eating away at me.

I still haven't brought myself round to the idea of speaking to her.  What do I say?

Options:

1. 'Congratulations' - this would be a down-right lie.
2. 'What are you doing?' - closer to what I want to say, but she would not take this well.  Plus, not overly supportive.
3. 'Do you know what you are letting yourself in for?' - again, close to what I want to say especially because she is constantly moaning on Facebook about feeling poorly (which I assume is morning sickness) and tired.  This was topped off by the post this morning complaining that her new puppy had kept her awake all night.  SERIOUSLY?????
4. 'How are you going to afford a baby?' - my sister is the type of person that signs up to a top price contract to get an iPhone4 but then can't pay the bill.
5. 'Are you sure you can commit to a baby?' - since leaving school at 16 (2 years ago) she has started 2 or 3 college courses and had 5-7 jobs, all of which she has given up very quickly.  Her excuses range from it being boring, to needing her to get up early everyday and she is a night owl.  Maybe someone should tell her babies aren't bothered whether you're a morning lark or not, they need feeding day and night.
6. 'How could you do this to me?' - unreasonable because I know that she didn't do this on purpose to get at me.  She perhaps did get pregnant on purpose to ensure that she didn't have to get another job (see point 5 above)
7. Ignore her - ok, this is not saying anything to her and is my current plan.  For now I think that this is best for me and her.

If anyone has other ideas of how to break the ice, please share... I have thought about writing to her, but the same point still applies - where do I start?

xxx

Exam stress build up

Today was the release of the exam timetable.

There were no major surprises - there's little variation possible when they have to fit one 3 hour and three 4 hour exams into 5 days.

But what has shocked me is just how soon they will be here.

With that I'll see you later :(

The dilemma of birth control

This morning I had a visit to my GP to try and get some help dealing with endo.  As it is at the moment, the pain isn't severe by endo standards, and I know that there is only a small/medium sized endometrioma.

BUT, considering that I only had my laparoscopy in February, and the history of how these things tend to happen, I wanted to have the upper hand on the situation.  I wanted a PLAN!

I wasn't sure what I was expecting to be honest.  I'm seeing my clinic in a few weeks, and since he's also been my NHS consultant, I figured that he might be able to offer me some advice too.

What I didn't expect was for him to prescribe me the Pill.

I was prescribed it a long time ago to control heavy periods, and hubby has researched treatments/help for endo and suggested it.  Each time, there has been a quick and determined 'no'.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I feel that taking the Pill will take away the last dash of hope I have of ever having another child.

Yes, I know I'm infertile.

Yes, I know that I have not been using contraception for 8 years, and have only conceived with the help of needles, drugs and a team of people looking at my not-so-private, private parts.

BUT...what about "those" people that fall pregnant by surprise after being told they will never conceive?  What if I am going to one of those legendary stories that all infertiles hear about, but never actually meet?
What if one day my body decided to not be a complete waste of time, and do everything it was supposed to do?

Taking the Pill removes all chances of this ever happening to me.  It will take away the insane hope every month that there is a slight chance I might be pregnant.

I know this is beyond stupidity, but, hey, that's me I'm afraid.

Perhaps I can be the woman that gets pregnant taking the Pill?  I mean it's only 99% effective right? LOL

Another Thursday, more thanks to share

To be honest, this week has kind of passed me in a blur.  But I have managed to take some time off to think about life after my exams.

My little brother is in the RAF and his air base are hosting their annual Family Day in August.  We've been invited every year, but DJ has always been a little too young to go inside the helicopter and with it being a fair drive away, we have waited.

But now the time has come!  DJ is now big enough to walk inside the helicopter his Uncle C flies, and so we are going down for a few days.

So my thanks this week goes to Hilton Hotels, who were having a Summer saver discount and we managed to get a room at a nearby hotel at a bargain price!

Thanks!!!!

This explains some things!

As you all know because I have done very little other than bleating on about it for ages - I'm revising for my uni exams at the moment.

Today I was reading some great articles about personality disorders, and stumbled upon a fascinating article about the association between period pains / menstrual symptoms and aggression.

Basically, women that report that they experience moderate to strong menstrual symptoms, such as pains / cramps, mood distortions and the rest, are found to be more aggressive throughout their cycle, not just during AF.

The myths that women only suffer during AFs visit is not necessarily true.

I am normally quite placid (unless I'm in my car where rage grabs hold and doesn't leave until the key is out of the ignition), but I feel that sometimes my anger is more than I can bare.  It just seems to emerge out of nowhere.

I admit that much of my anger is directed internally.  I have always had some issues with self-esteem, confidence and self-acceptance.  But recently, I've found that S has been at the receiving end of much more than he deserves.

To be honest, I am always skeptical about these things, I suppose that's what part of researching a topic is about, but this really was based on quite sound evidence.  It wasn't without fault, but I am fascinated that there might be some truth in this somewhere.

Do you have any thoughts or experiences?

Moving on

Today was the nursery leavers party.  Though DJ is staying at nursery while I do my uni exams at the beginning of August, today and tomorrow will be sad days for him, and me.

Many of his friends will not be staying on at nursery during the Summer holidays.  To be honest, DJ wouldn't be unless I had to concentrate on uni work.

It feels a little surreal at the moment.  Despite the fact that I know he is going to Big Boys school in 6 weeks or so; he's been to look around and had a couple of afternoons there; he's got his certificate saying he's ready for school.... but what about me?  I don't think I am ready.  I definitely didn't get a certificate to say I was ready for him to move on and grow up.

I suppose that for the next 2 weeks I will be living in ignorance.  But watch out for the tears when I have to face the reality that my little baby is growing up.

xxx

Dieting is hard

Though I can't really do any exercise at the moment due to having no time to do anything, I'm still trying to eat healthily and not to excess.

I have to admit that revising while dieting is really tough.  I'm starving and when I'm trying to concentrate, this is not a great combo.

I've been snacking on grapes and cherries rather than chocolate and biscuits.  At least it's a step forward.

But as it is today I have to loose 12kg! :(

Life as a Student

I absolutely love being a student!  I'm just about to enter my third year of undergraduate study.

I am amazed at how quickly this last 2 years have gone, and so I want to document my journey through the last year of the course.

I do have another ulterior motive for this page too - I am going my dissertation about attitudes towards infertiles. So this is a page where I will be working on this... commenting on anything that I find interesting, but mostly asking for help ;)

Fighting the Fat

Well since May 2010 I have literally piled the weight on :(

It all started to go wrong when I started a six month of Zoladex.  It artificially puts you through the menopause, and I had the awful realisation that I am going to be podgy in my old age.

After this I have also had the side effects of IVF and then the comfort eating after my miscarriage.

As a result I am am about 3 stone heavier than I want to be - nothing fits, I hate to look at myself in the mirror, I hate to feel my clothes touch my skin.  It's safe to say I hate my body right now.

So I want to do something about it...

Money is REALLY tight.  I can't afford gym membership, so this is a do-it-yourself diet.

I am a bit of an expert at losing weight - I'll post about this sometime in the near future (it might not be what you expect), but basically I have to be careful how I do this.  Plus with a little boy, I want to keep a balanced diet.

Unfortunately, I am having to sit my uni exams in August, but as soon as these are done and out of the way...bring on the Fight with the FAT

About me

Hi, well, first things first - I'm Dawn.

I want this blog to document my life and all that it involves.  This is where I will try to reveal a little of what has brought me to this place.

Dawn, the infertile


Unfortunately, my history in this camp is long and painful.  There has been endless battles with ignorant doctors since the age of 12 about my periods and the pain I suffered each month.

I was given the Pill (BCP) to take from the age of 13, with minimal effect, but at the time this was better than nothing.  Even when armed with my own research, I was told that I was being a hypochondriac and the pains I experienced were 'normal period pains all women have'.

Only in August 2004, after moving house did I eventually find a GP that listened to me, and took me seriously!!!!  He was a true find :)

He referred me for a laparoscopy, and my own fears were realised when they formally diagnosed me with severe endometriosis.

By this point we had been TTC for little over a year naturally with no sign of success.

Following a couple of laparoscopies, we had three IUIs, all ending with BFNs.

We moved onto an IVF cycle in August 2006, 3 years after starting to TTC and we got our miracle BFP.

Endo still dictates much of my life, and we have never used any contraception since DJs birth in May 2007.

Recently we had an IVF/ICSI cycle, which though we got a BFP, ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.  We later found out that I was carrying twins.


Dawn, the Mummy

As I have said above, I am the proud Mummy of DJ, my little (well, not so little actually) IVF miracle.

Born in May 2007, everyday since has been filled with joy, discovery and happiness.

Being a Mummy is tough.  I had to go back to work when he was only 8 weeks old, leaving him at home with his Daddy, but I have given every inch of my life and soul to him and the job of being the best Mummy I can be to him.

DJ is warm, loving and fun.  I suppose this makes enjoying being his Mummy easy.  I love seeing him grow everyday, physically, emotionally and mentally.  But there is a part of me that is filled with sadness at every milestone because I am seeing my baby boy disappear before me to become a gorgeous well-rounded person.

DJ starts school in a few weeks time (September 2011), so there are many changes and challenges ahead...


Dawn, the student


After having DJ I returned to work quickly.  This was partly for the money, but also because they were making a number of redundancies and I did not want to be one of them.

I actually gained a promotion in April 2008, and as much as I loved my job, I was not happy.  Mostly because of a colleague of mine who was supposedly an equal, but was a sexual predator.  He made my life Hell for the 18 months I stayed.

I have always wanted to go to uni... it just never happened for me at 18.  I'm actually quite glad for that - I hadn't really got any idea of what I wanted to do then.  I think that you sometimes need some world experience to know that.  Anyway, S had got tired of my repeated regrets of not going, and with the work situation as it was, he told me to stop saying 'I wish...' and just DO IT.

So here I am... just about to enter my 3rd year of an undergraduate psychology with forensic psychology degree.  I plan to continue my studies after this, but for now, struggling with the demands of uni, motherhood and infertility, I just want to get through the next few weeks and my 2nd year exams!




I apologise for the the long winded intro.  Hope you enjoy the journey as much as I do (most of the time).

xx

Rainbow revision

As you might know, I am currently in a frantic frenzy about my uni exams in a couple of weeks time.  I'm actually enjoying focusing on the topics I have to cover (though as yet I've avoided the dreaded cognitive psychology module!) and I have refound my love and reasons for going to uni in the first place.

I have a love of all things colourful, and this love extends to my uni notes.  I also love writing with a fountain pen...you know the ones you used when you were learning to write with a fountain pen (the cheap plastic ones). I love their gentleness on the paper, their finer and softer nib.  No scratchy pens for me, thank you.

I was absolutely thrilled when I found my local art store had started to stock a few bottles of coloured ink a couple of years ago.  But my need for a wider choice has driven me further afield and I have recently discovered an online supplier who has a rainbow selection.

I now have quite a collection, and I love colour coordinating my revision notes!

Sad? Yes.  But does it make me smile?  Yes!!!!

Another Thankful Thursday

I am perhaps too tired to do this today after only 4 hours sleep last night.  but I'll have a good go none-the-less!

I am thankful to Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for the fantastic knights costume I won through their competition!  Every night, as we switch out the lights, I ask him what he is going to dream of, and every night for as long as I can remember he has always replied with: 'I dream I am a knight in shining armour'.  Every time he has made a wish, he has wished to be a knight... so when the costume arrived, I was so excited for him.

When he opened the box and tried on his new outfit, his face was amazing!

So thank you to Sonia at Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for making DJ's and my day!

I must have been on a lucky streak, because I also won the Euromillions lottery on Tuesday.  I won...wait for it...the massive amount of..........£2.60!!!!!

Now I have been dreaming about how I would spend the millions if I were to win, and the list is endless.  I'm not sure how far my winnings will stretch, but I am putting them in the kitty for a rainy day.  I might be able to afford an old-ladies plastic rain cap ;)

Feeling betrayed

Last week I really kicked myself into action.  I rearranged furniture, I cleaned, I revised... I smiled!

I could see the start of the broken jigsaw of my life and heart starting to fit back together.

That was until yesterday - my sister is pregnant.

She's only 18; she wasn't wanting a baby; she is in a rocky relationship; and yet, here she is, in the exact position I want myself to be in.

There are details of this story that makes it even harder, but despite the amount of pain she has and is causing me, I still love my sister dearly and do not wish to divulge these.  But suffice to say, this is the worst thing she could do to me.

I know that she didn't go out to get pregnant on purpose.  Well, actually I'm not so sure, but that's another tale for another day.  But I feel an immense amount of betrayal.

I'm not sure how far along she is...I'm guessing about 6 weeks.

All I can think about is that I should be 11 weeks... I should be able to celebrate MY pregnancy.  I WANTED my babies.

Is it wrong to not want to see her?

Oh, and to ice this cake - endo pains have been crippling, and AF is here this morning.

Anything else to throw at me universe?

Thankful Thursday

I know I have missed a couple of weeks of Thankful Thursdays.  There have been a number of reasons, but mostly I just needed to try and find myself again after the last month.

We went to the dentist last week, and it made me realise that there are a couple of things that infertility has given me for the positive:

1. I don't have to take contraception.  I am rubbish at taking pills at the same time every day (I had to set an alarm on my mobile when taking my IVF drugs).  And having a latex allergy, barrier methods are just too expensive.  Obviously, trying to conceive makes this point mute, but for the future, here's a thanks to infertility.
2. I can always answer with a definite answer when asked if I am pregnant.  At the dentist, I had to have an X-ray.  With this comes the inevitable question: 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant?'.  In the past, when we first started to TTC, I remember being asked this and not knowing quite what to say (this was when I had hope that a baby would be easily conceived in the old traditional way).  I remember feeling uncertain about what to say 'Well, erm, we are trying, and my period is due this week, so erm...'  Now, there is always the certainty of 'Yes' or 'No'.

Has infertility given you anything positive?

Endo Wars: Endo Strikes Back

I am aware that after my last post, this might seem to be reverting to the doom and gloom of previous posts.  But I need to get this down, so apologies for that.

When I went for 'that' scan the sonographer found a small endometrium.  Now in the midst of all the other news we heard that day, this seemed to have gone in but been stored somewhere out of reach.  That was until this week.

On Wednesday afternoon, I felt that familiar but unwelcome dull ache.  Not unbearable, not debilitating, but definitely there.  The feeling of being burned from the inside.

I only stopped bleeding last week (after 2 weeks), so this hit me hard.  I'm not sure I am ready for the return of the pain and the hell of endo right now.  I'm only just finding my feet after everything of the last month.

I only had my laparoscopy in February.  Surely this is not supposed to happen just yet?

History has shown me that endo tends to set up home quickly once it's there.  This fills me with fear and dread of what the next few months hold.

We have our WTF appointment with the clinic in August, and since we're seeing the consultant that did my laparoscopy in February, I'm holding out for some answers then.

Until then... I'm keeping everything crossed endo can be just held at bay.

Busy week

Hi all

I am so sorry I have neglected you this week.  It has been chaos with hubby having to have surgery on his lower back on Monday, and then me acting as nurse all week.  I've also managed to rearrange the living room, DJs play room and the kitchen!

Of course revision has been a bit hit and miss.  Mostly miss, but hey, I have another 4 weeks to go :(

Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I actually felt 'normal'.  DJ and I went to the dentist in the morning.  He was super brave and got a 'Super Patient' sticker which he proudly showed to ANYONE that took a glance in his direction.

In the afternoon, I took DJ for his second introduction afternoon to his new big boy school.  It was the first time that I had left him there and I was a teeny bit nervous for him.  But as a proper little trooper that he is, he just kissed me good-bye and off he went playing.

I am so incredibly proud of how grown up he is becoming.  He is respectful and kind.  He is never too shy to give his Mummy a big cuddle and is the most loving little boy I could ever ask for.

After school we played in our new garden!  I actually hung washing out on the line for the first time this year yesterday!  Finally, instead of a heap of mud, we have a lawn, a path and a washing line!  There's some final touches to it next week, and there is still the future veggie patch project to take on, but we have a whole area to play.  We decided to eat our tea outside in the sunshine.  Literally the hour that I was out there I managed to get sunburnt!  What the...

Like I say, there was nothing special about yesterday as such, but it was filled with smiles and cuddles and happiness.  It was an old me day.

Just hoping that this is the start of things feeling better.

Thanks for being patient with me.

xxx

Confessions, pleas and promises

I need to apologise for being on such a downer recently.  I'm aware of how depressing my blog has become.  This post is somewhat of an explanation...apology...confession.

I have changed.  I've become someone I don't like.

I've always prided myself in being someone who can put others first.  Someone who can recognise pain in others and offer a moment to hold them, send them a gentle message or just be there for them.  I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, despite numerous times of it being crushed by careless and thoughtless people.  This is who I am.  I realise I sound like I'm trying to big myself up, but I'm not.  I'm just made this way.

But since my miscarriage, I've changed.

I can barely leave the house in case I see someone I know.  In case there is a pregnant bump (which of course there always is).  I can't face logging onto Facebook in case there is another pregnancy announcement, another scan picture, another one of those automated pregnancy progress things.  I have even struggled to log onto one of my greatest support networks Twitter.

I'm so sorry for this.  I am so angry with myself.  Yet seeing the start of another cycle, another beta day or another milestone along a pregnancy just breaks my heart.

Let me be clear - I NEVER begrudge those starting a cycle or celebrating their good news.  I would never ask them to stop.  They deserve this more than anyone I know.  I truly mean this.  I know this, yet there is this horrible part of me that cannot stop feeling jealous.

I know I will not get to cycle again.  I know that my chance has been and gone.  I know that my chance was stolen from me.  And I think that this is the stem of my pain.

I have no-one to blame except myself.  I lay every night thinking about all the things I did on the days leading up to the day I started bleeding.  There was that the 15 minutes I was stood up at DJs nursery.  There was the time I held my friends baby boy and he wanted to stand on my legs.  There was the time I went shopping even though I felt poorly.  Perhaps it was the way I sat, slept, walked.

The not knowing is torturing me.  It's changed who I am.

Will I ever learn to cope with this pain and guilt?  Will I learn to love again?  Will I learn to celebrate?

For now, I hope you can forgive me.  If you can't, please don't tell me.  I can't cope with more guilt right now.

On my part, I promise I will find myself in time.  I want to share your joy when I can.  I want to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

xxxx

I know I'm blessed but don't beat me with it

I know that this blog has become a place of doom and gloom recently.  I am truly sorry for that - I am trying to shift this constant feeling of being blue and I hope that you don't ditch me whilst I do!

Since...the...well, you know (no I can't say the word yet)...I have been reminded how lucky I am to be a Mummy to DJ.  That I should be grateful for him and remember what a gift he is.

I DO KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM.

I DO KNOW HOW AMAZING HE IS.

I KNOW HE IS A GIFT.

But having DJ and all that it means to be a Mummy makes my loss seem harder somehow.  Everyday I can see what I have lost.  I am reminded about what should have been.

Sorry, rant over

Thanks this Thursday?

If I'm honest - today I am struggling to think of what to be thankful for, without repeating my last week's post!

This week has been exhausting.  I haven't slept in over a week for more than 4 hours.  I am a girl who likes loves her sleep.  I'm hoping with time I can start to get back into a sleeping pattern.

So I'm looking for help!  I want you to share with me your thanks for something...  it doesn't have to be deep and meaningful.  In fact, it would probably help if it wasn't.  Having thanks for the silly things in life.

I hope you can help me.

Thanks

The cruel alternative version of today

The good news is that both your embryos implanted and were growing...


These were exactly the words I was supposed to be hearing today after being scanned.  In fact, they were the words I heard today.  BUT, and here's the full kick in my heart, the scan didn't show two flickering heartbeats.  I didn't walk away with black and grey grainy pictures of my babies.

Instead, I had a scan to make sure that there was nothing left what shouldn't be there.  I had the results of the analysis of the 'pregnancy tissue' (seriously, if they say this to me one more time I will punch them!  THEY WERE MY BABIES! NOT TISSUE!!!!!!).  I had been pregnant with twins.

Hubby always said that he thought we were having twins.  He said he knew there was a boy and a girl.  This was the family he saw - DJ being a wonderful big brother to his two new siblings.

How do we move on from this?

I'm going to take a break from Twitter and Facebook for a while.  I'll still pop on to catch up on my friends, but I am on such a downer, I know this community doesn't need that.

I'm going to focus on my uni exams in August.  I'm going to throw myself into my third year and my dissertation.

I'm going to lose the IVF weight (I've got about 2 stone to lose, so that should be fun, NOT)

After I've finished my degree we will think about the future.

For now I need to learn how to leave the house and see a newborn or a pregnant woman without crumbling into a tears.

How I wish I was still pregnant....

Being thankful this Thursday

Ok, if I'm honest, I really don't feel like doing this today.  But I have lapsed recently with blogging my Thankful Thursday thoughts.

So over the last 5 days (oh my God, has it really been that long since this nightmare began?) my husband, my little boy, my Mum and my MIL have been beyond wonderful.

My husband has let me cry on his shoulder every time I have needed to, despite the inevitable pain it has caused him (and the unpleasant wetness).  He has allowed himself to cry.  We have shared our grief and sorrow.  I know that together we will come through this, but whilst we do, he will continue to be more than I could ever ask for.

My little DJ just knows when his Mummy needs a cuddle.  He is gentle and thoughtful.  His innocence and love is such a blessing.

My Mum has texted me constantly since I got home from hospital.  She may not always say the right thing, but knowing she is there and cares for me and my family right now is more than enough.

My MIL, who often struggles to know what to say, has been my 'doer'.  Running errands that I can't face at the moment.  Without her, we would have no food or clean clothes.  I cannot express how thankful I am to her for doing this for us.

Of course, again, the support and love from you all who have taken the time to read and/or comment on my blog, or who have Tweeted wonderful messages, has been more than I could ask for.  I genuinely feel your love, thoughts and prayers.  There are too many people to thank individually, and if I am honest, I start to cry when I try.  But I hope that you all know that just taking a few minutes out of your day for me means such a lot - thank you.

xxx

Just a thought...

When you decide to start trying for a baby, your life suddenly becomes filled with "could be's"

If we get pregnant this month, the baby could be born on such and such day...


If the baby is..., then it could be...


This is no different for anyone wanting to start a family.  I suppose those people needing fertility treatment have longer to create these little dreams, but we all have them.

But as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test or raising betas, these "could be's" become "going to be's".

I'm sure I'm not the only one.  As soon as you know that you are creating life, you change.  The way you think changes.  You start to PLAN, not just dream

The baby's going to be born on this date


Our life is going to be ...


You know your life is never going to be the same ever again, and it never is.

BUT - and this is one Hell of a 'but'... when you suffer the loss of your baby, whenever that may be, those plans and "going to be's" are broken.  I know that the longer you have your baby, the more detailed those plans become.  You may know your baby is going to be a boy or a girl, you may have a name for your future little joy.  However, no matter whether you have this or not, the loss is a heartbreaking pain.

There becomes a black hole where there was once life and joy.  Your future child's shadow and the life around them starts to fade.  The bright and hope-filled plans become dark ghosts of a life that could have been.

Grieving is therefore learning to cope with the pain of knowing my babies are gone for ever, but also trying to rebuild a future plan, empty of the little lives that should have been there.

It's over

So my joy lasted a week.  But in that time I loved and promised to give my everything for the little life or lives inside me.  I guess that wasn't enough.

I remember the tears, disappointment and pain when I had the series of IUIs at the beginning of our treatment journey.  I begged that each time I would get the magical 2nd line on my pregnancy test.  I remember the series of BFN.

Yet now, somehow, I wish that this time had ended the same way.  That I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to know that life was there to love and nurture.

Instead, in a sterile hospital room I had a doctor gently place her hand on my knee and tell me I had lost my babies.  

So that's it - my week of POAS is over, my worries and fears gone.  But I'd give anything to make them come back.

Confessions of a POAS addict

Hi, I'm Dawn and I'm addicted to peeing on a stick.

Since last Tuesday evening, I have taken numerous pregnancy tests.  Each one has been analysed for the strength of the line compared to previous tests, looking for changes and possible good or bad news.

But each time I take one that seems to have a stronger line, the next seems faint and the panic sets in.

I'm trying to get down to every other day, but I'm frightened.  I have waited for this time for years and now I am scared something is going to come along and snatch it from me.

I have less than 2 weeks to go to make sure that everything is growing ok.  I just wish that I would enjoy this stage.  However, I know that until the scan, I will continue to read way too much into everything, including changes in lines!

So the waiting continues

Even though I have taken a couple of tests and they have both come back as BFP, I am still scared.

I have cramps.  I keep feeling nauseous and I just hope that's a good sign.

My scan is 13th June, so just over 2 weeks to go.

I'm hoping I can start to get on with my revision next week, and this weekend is DJ's 4th birthday.

Please hurry up days and embies - hold on!!!!!

Official test day

OK, it is actually a day early, but the clinic advised me to take my home pregnancy test a day early.

So armed with my Clear Blue pregnancy test, at 6am I POAS.

And it was there - the positive result!  The test came back positive.  OMG - I think I'm pregnant!!!

But I am still filled with fear.  I've got cramps.  I just hope that means my little embryo(s) are snuggling in.

I wish the clinic did a confirmation blood test, but in their wisdom they don't do this anymore.  Instead I have to analyse and scrutinise home pregnancy tests!

For today, I am going to be happy!

I'm such a fool :(

Today I am 9 days past transfer, and as I went at 6pm to take my pessary, there was brown on the toilet paper.

Instantly, I burst into tears!  Today I had allowed myself to be positive.  I'd let myself believe that this could work.  I let myself believe that I could be pregnant.

As I saw the spotting, I felt stupid and foolish.  I hated myself for the pain that I had caused myself.

I immediately dashed to the nearest pregnancy test.  I POAS and no second line appeared.

At this moment, my heart just broke.  I couldn't bare the pain.

Hubby consoled me.  Despite wanting to just lie there for the rest of time, I knew DJ needed me and would be curious where I was.  So a quick splash of water and I prepared my 'happy' face.  Just then hubby called me and told me to come and have a look.

There it was, the VERY faint second line.  It was there, so it gave me the faintest glimmer of hope too.

I will POAS tomorrow morning and see what happens.  Until then, please hold on little ones.  I can't bare to know you have gone.

Waiting.... will it end?

The strain of the 2 week wait is unbearable.

I'm half way there and I can feel myself crumbling under the pressure.

I probably haven't helped myself by ordering pregnancy tests which arrived this morning.

Hold on little embies - PLEASE

Uni exams

The meds has had a terrible effect on my concentration.  I can hardly stay awake, and the doctors agreed that perhaps sitting my exams over the next couple weeks would not be the most advisable.

So I have been signed off uni for a couple of weeks, and I will be sitting my exams in August.

It is a relief, but I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being able to do all this.  I suppose I have to give in to somethings.

For now, I need to know my embies are looked after.

I'm home to 2 beautiful embies!

So I am officially PUPO with twins!

I had a little bit of a poorly tummy this morning.  Nerves seem to have got the better of me.

We walked into the theatre and there was a picture of 2 little embryos.  They were ours!!!!

The embryologist explained that we only had 2 embryos suitable for transfer and none had developed enough to make the freeze.  I was tinged with sadness that my little embryos didn't make it, but this was no different to last time, expect that we had a 3 day transfer.  So we regained our smiles, and concentrated all our efforts on making our 2 remaining embryos feel welcome!

The procedure was uncomfortable but not too bad.  The nurse and doctor were wonderful and cheery, which I think is so important.

Apparently, I have a lovely uterus!  (Shush, you are making me blush!)  My lining was nice and thick.  And then we saw our 2 little embryos get gentle pushed into what we hope will be their home for the next 8 months!!!

So here I am taking some bed rest for the next day or so.  I am taking it easy.  This needs to work.

Hold on little embies xxx

Embryo update!

This morning we had a little update on our little embryos.

We got the call about lunchtime - why does there have to be soooo much waiting?

The embryologist sounded cheerful when she called, so I was hopeful.

My embryos are doing really well.  All 8 are still growing!  2 are even a day ahead of their expected development.

At this moment, I am so excited.  I would love to have some embryos to freeze, but to have 2 suitable for transfer is the aim.

So everything is set for embryo transfer on Sunday.

PLEASE keep growing little ones.

Fertilisation report is in!

At exactly 8am the phone rang!

The embryologist made some gentle small talk and made sure I was ok.  Then the moment came - the blunt details of the fertilisation of my eggs.

So out of 12 eggs, 10 were suitable for ICSI, and this morning 8 had fertilised!

8!!!!!

I had aimed for 7 (this was how many I had from my successful IVF cycle) but we had a bonus one!

So now we have to wait until Friday morning (day 3).

So I can breathe a little sigh of relief.  For now, this is going brilliantly!

Egg collection!

First I need to apologise for me long absence.  After my trigger shot, I hid away from all things internet.  I couldn't cope with the strength of the emotions and I knew that I would be analysing every feeling.  I needed to hide away from Dr Google as much as I could!

But I did write for you my diary - here we are...

Today was egg collection.

We stayed away overnight so we could get to the clinic early.  As I had said before, hubby hasn't been well, so on the morning, it was decided that we would see what the frozen sperm was like before he tried to give a fresh sample.  It was a tough decision - one that hubby still is worried about and ashamed of.  No consolation will ease the disappointment he has in himself.

They collected 12 eggs!  Yay!  This was my target.  I'm not one for superstition but I did know that my successful cycle was after they collected 12 eggs.  So this was a great sign.

We met with the embryologist before we left.  They felt that they needed to use ICSI to give us the best chance with the frozen sperm, so all was agreed.

So now I am resting.  I always struggle with the sedation they use.  But I will be awake early tomorrow as I will be getting my fertilisation report around 8am.

So all I can do is hope.

Last stim injection - done!

This morning was another trip to my clinic for a monitoring scan.  I was a little concerned about my biggest follie as I had felt a 'pop' on my left ovary on Thursday night, but everything is still going well.  The 18 follies are still growing well and I have some tiny ones that are trying to make a late appearance in the show.  But as it turns out, they won't have time to make it.  Because tonight is my last Gonal-F injection!

That means that this time tomorrow I will have injected my trigger shot and the 36 hour countdown to egg collection starts!!!!

I wasn't expecting this news.  I thought there would be another monitoring on Monday with egg collection probably Wednesday, but it seems that I am responding to the drugs better than before.

So this afternoon has been a flurry of organisation (this is me at my happiest - organising and being in control of something!).  Monday night we're spending a night in a hotel close to the clinic.  DJ is spending the night with MIL and FIL and they will pick us up from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon (since hubby can't drive).

I still know that there is a long way to go between egg collection and embryo transfer.  Especially with hubby being so poorly at the moment, we don't know whether we are going to have to resort to plan B and use our frozen swimmers (a reassuring back-up, but unknown territory for us).  But if we do manage to get good embryos, I think that transfer will be Friday.  So I've arranged DJ to spend the weekend with my parents.

I've managed to keep this a secret from everyone (apart from you, and my in-laws who have been the purse behind this adventure).  But I'm not sure how long I can keep this from my Mum.  I have planned how I will tell her when I get my BFP (which I'm optimistically focusing on) so I don't want to have to tell her before then.

So for now, I am concentrating on Tuesday.  Monday will be nice - my drug-free day!  The nerves are setting in but instead of worrying about all the potential problems with the cycle, I am focusing on getting that positive result.

I'm not sure timing is great though - my 2ww will end on DJs birthday and this is right in the middle of my exams.  In one way, this is excellent, whatever the result, I will be busy with other things.  But... Nah, I'm not thinking about that for now.  I'll have a whole 2 weeks to ponder about that.

My first Thankful Thursday and IVF update

Yesterday, last night and this morning saw me sadder than I have been for a while.  I had a massive fall out with hubby which forced us to face feelings that we had been hiding from for a while.  Everything is ok, but I think that the combination of drugs and back pain made me emotional, so when a discussion came up I just couldn't hide anywhere - there was nowhere to run.  Hubby has always been such a strong and supportive partner, and I know that the painful talks through the night have all been sorted.  I just need to hope I can carry on.  My emotions are low and my heart feels like it is breaking (I'm not even close to my 2 week wait yet!)

Anyway, after a short nap I realised that I have been a very poor blogger recently.  Uni exams are round the corner and revision is taking all my time.  But I have decided to write a weekly post - my Thankful Thursday (#thankfulthursday #TT).  I'm not sure if this is already on the circulation of Twitterverse, most likely.  But whatever, this is mine.

So each week I am going to write one thing that makes me grateful.  Since I am mid-cycle it will probably be IF related for a while, but let's see how this pans out.  So here goes for my 1st Thankful Thursday post...

Today, I am thankful for...Gonal-F!  I recently found out I have a poor egg reserve (low AMH) and this obviously filled me with the fears and worries about how well I would respond to the IVF stims this cycle.  Today I had my first monitoring scan and my ovaries are doing wonderfully - I have 12 follies on the right, and another 6 on the left!  That's 18 in total!!!!!

If I hadn't been laying down with wandy doing her business, I may have fallen off the table!

They're growing nicely too - some are already some good sizes.  I'm back to the clinic bright and early on Saturday for a second monitoring scan and bloodwork.  I'm keeping everything crossed that they continue to grow and blossom.

So there we are - Gonal-F you are working some magic in there, and for that I am very thankful.

I'd love to hear your Thankful Thursdays too!

xxxx

IF sadness

There are many things about infertility which are filled with sadness.  I'm not going to mention the obvious ones here...if you are battling IF then you know them only too well and if you are trying to get an understanding of IF so you can support someone you know who is battling IF, then there is a plethora of info out there.

we are organising DJ's christening.  I know that he is nearly 4 and that we should have perhaps done it already, but we never quite got round to it.  If we are honest, there is one main reason why we have put it off - who are going to be his godparents?  We know that my sister and brother will be godparents, but we always wanted him to have 3 or 4.  And this leads me to the one of the saddest things about IF...you start to drift away from others. In our case, we started to see our friends having 2nd, 3rd or 4th babies and we found that we were less able to cope with the heartbreak each announcement brought.  Though our friends didn't know about our IF, I think they could sense the pain inside us when they shared their happy news.  I don't want you to think that we are awful friends - we were of course happy for them, and I never forget their children's birthdays.  But this doesn't stop the pain inside.

So we have found that we are more and more separated from our fertile friends.  So the once difficult decision to decide who would be DJs godparents was because we had a wide circle of close friends, it is now the reverse.

This fills me with great sadness, and I wish I knew how I could rebuild those bridges that we once had.

Today is a good day!

The Easter weekend has been filled with anxiety for today.  Today was my down reg scan and blood test, and also the day we found about which school DJ would be starting in September.

I had to get up early this morning for the drive to the clinic.  Because of the early start, hubby had to stay at home with DJ.  I don't mind - at the end of the day, a date with wandy and a needle is over pretty quickly and it's only the phone call that needs a team effort (well for me anyway).

I am thrilled the clinic phoned back so early.  The scan wasn't conclusive because my lining is the maximum they like it to be but my ovaries are behaving themselves and not doing much.  As she was probing around, she thinks I now have a cyst developing on the left ovary.  At least I'll have a matching pair and my tummy might not be so lob-sided (the eternal optimist ;) )

But with the bloods it all seems to be going ok!  I start stims on Thursday night.  I'm so flippin' excited!!!!

And as an added bonus, DJ has been offered a place at the local village primary school.  I am a little sad that he will not have any of his nursery friends start there with him, but he is a big boy who is very sociable, so I know he will be fine.  Well done sweetheart!  As happy as I am that he has his school place, it has made me realise that my little baby is growing up.  If someone could just slow his growth down for a while, I really want to enjoy him for a while longer.

:)