Making decisions

We've been thinking a lot about our future in terms of whether we need to turn our back on our wishes to have a second child or not.

The crunch is this - we have no money to try IVF again.  I'm not working, so we don't have the chance to save for another try for the foreseeable future.  We have already borrowed the money to try last time, and we have run out of loan options.

I think this is why it feels so unfair.  It feels like this decision has been made for us, rather than it being a decision we reached together.

So we are looking at our options.  We still seem to be filled with such uncertainty, and I can see that this is where the problems in marriages can start.

Infertility is filled with so much tension, self-hate and jealousy.  There is so much pain, so many questions, and way too much money needed to have a family.  Each partner feels somewhat to blame - even when there is a diagnosis - because the 'ok' partner has added pressure to get it right.

Infertility is both a shared problem and a very lonely experience.

I hate being in this position.  I hate knowing that there are very good, beautiful people out there going through similar feelings.  I despise (yes, a strong word, yet sadly true) those people that do not deserve the ease in which they get pregnant (you know the ones!).  I hate myself for the jealousy and bitterness I feel towards my fertile friends.

Surely it's time they found a magic potion to make all this go away...