Hope of a little person. Thanks DJ

Every day there seems to be a challenge doesn't there?  Some days are way tougher than others; some days the challenge is merely to get out of bed in the morning (especially with this cold weather).

Infertility is such a dominating, and difficult, journey, that sometimes you forget who you actually are...were... without it in your life.

I can tell you that, even though I am so very lucky to have DJ in my life, the 'infertile' me still rules my life on more occasions that I wish it did.  I often loose sight of who I am, who I want to be.  And if you aren't careful, it starts to hide who you are from your friends and your family.

For the last year or so, DJ has become more and more adamant about wanting siblings in his life.  He asks at least once a day when he will get a 'baby brother and baby sister'.  Even to the point of him looking at bunk beds for when the day arrived.

As you can imagine, a few months ago, this was torture for me.  I fought back the tears and told him that babies take a lot of time, and love (I didn't think that a 4-year-old should hear all about the injections, probing and MONEY).  I sometimes had to leave and would hide in the bathroom sobbing until I couldn't cry any more.

It still hurts.  I'm not going to lie.  But what I am starting to take from his love and thought of siblings, is that he will make a fantastic big brother some day.  He has so much hope that a brother and a sister will be in his life at some time in the future.  I know that this hope comes filled with naivity.  But it has made me realise how much hope I have lost.

We can't ignore the fact that more children will come easily to us.  We can't hide away from the pain that losing the babies this year has caused us.  But what we can do is realise that there is hope for us.  DJ can feel it, and so can we.

So this weeks Thankful Thursday is to you DJ, for reminding me to have hope, and for keeping it alive when it had died inside me.

New toys!

This weeks Thankful Thursday is my thanks to my gorgeous hubby and various people at uni to make it possible that I got a new laptop!

This is the first time I've had my own computer, and not had to use the family laptop.  But as I have started to work extra hard on my dissertation, and hubby has become more and more a fan of online shopping, then it was time to get a new laptop just for me.

So my thanks this week is for the miracle of technology and the excitement (yes, I am really that sad) that I got from having my laptop and various other gadgets delivered this week!

A long awaited Thankful Thursday...

I know that I haven't managed to bring myself to blog for a while, and as such my Thankful Thursdays have been a victim of neglect, but let's see how this goes...

This week seems to have passed in a little bit of a blur of uni, school runs and emotions.  Yet sat here now, just back from DJs first harvest festival, I am reminded of the words of the Reverend a few moments ago - 'let us be thankful for what we have'.

I'll be honest, I'm not what someone would describe as a practicing Christian.  I live my life good (or try to) and I think that is more important that visiting your local Church and playing lip service to the meaning of the messages you hear... I hope that makes sense, and doesn't offend.

Anyway, as we sat in quiet prayer, the soft voice of the Reverend spoke a beautiful prayer.  Intended for the children about how we should be thankful for the plentiful food we have, but as he spoke, all I could think was how terrible I have been in the last few months.  I haven't truly celebrated what I DO have, and focused on the injustice and things I have lost.

I suppose sitting in the middle of a packed church, silently crying wasn't the intention, but still it was a little moment when I thought about getting myself in forward gear.

I don't ever think that you let go of your grief.

I don't think that you should forget.

I don't want to ever forget.

But I know you have to move forward.  I know that you have to learn to live with grief in your life, but not with grief being your life.

In so many ways I feel guilty for moving forward.  As I've been living in a state of autopilot much of the time, I have avoided the feelings, but as I am trying to fight the emotional battle of moving forward, I am fighting the guilt of leaving a life that should have been and isn't.

A late Thankful Thursday

I've been a bit neglectful of my blog generally, and my Thankful Thursdays in particular.

I'm really struggling to stay awake and find the time and energy to do anything more than the housework, looking after DJ and everything else.

I know it's a day late - I'm sorry.  I did intend to get here yesterday, but alas I failed.

This week I am just want to say thanks for fresh air.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, but bare with me...

Walking DJ to and from school everyday has given me the chance to take 10/15 minutes to myself.  I'm getting some exercise, though not much, and I am enjoying breathing deeply in the fresh air of the countryside.

At this time of year, I have no hayfever.  I can enjoy being outside without struggling to breathe.

I live in a little village.  Yes - it is on the edge of a large town, and it is busy in itself.  BUT where we live it is quiet and peaceful.  I walk to the school by the path running along the back of the school playing field and the church.

I see no cars for most of the walk, and I can hear the birds, the wind rustle the trees and the buzzing of little insects.

In those few minutes between my house and the school gate, I feel alone, and it feels nice.

Late but this week's Thankful Thursday...

I feel pretty stupid this morning to realise that I had written this, but just not published it - ooops!

I'm sorry to mention it again, but this week's thanks goes to my little DJ.  I promise I will try to not mention it much more (I've created a separate blog for my posts about him, so not to keep mentioning him here - I hate to upset others).

This week has been such a big step for my little man, yet he has handled it with grace and a smile.  I could have been a blubbering wreck, as some of the other Mums have been, but instead, DJ has made dropping him off each day easy.

He runs in with a smile on his face, and I know that he is happy.

But I am especially thankful for the smile I get when he sees me waiting for him at the gate.  His little face lights up and he runs towards me, so excited and so loving.

Thank you DJ.  Mummy and Daddy are very proud of you and we love you so very much xxx

Thankful Thursday returns

After a break because of exams, revision and illness, my Thankful Thursday post is back.

I'm actually writing this a day early because on Thursday I am away.  And that is what I am thankful for this week...my little brother.

He is in the RAF and has had a pretty awful year with his short-lived marriage breaking up, needing to move house and going out to Afghanistan.  Yet despite this, he still thought about me, hubby and DJ.

He knows money is just not existent at the moment for us, and a holiday is completely beyond reach, so he invited us to share the Family Day at his base this Thursday.  DJ will be able to explore the helicopter that my brother flies, and there is a range of family activities for us on the day.

Without him, we would be stuck in this house, with the memories and the torment.  Instead, we are going to take a couple of days away and remember what it is like to have a giggle and smile.

Staying thankful?

Another Thursday, and another day for saying thanks for something...

This week I have been mostly keeping to myself, so I am thankful for caller ID on my phone - makes avoiding people easier (especially my sister).

I'm also thankful for Facebook allowing me to stalk my sister without her knowing how much she is eating away at me.

I still haven't brought myself round to the idea of speaking to her.  What do I say?

Options:

1. 'Congratulations' - this would be a down-right lie.
2. 'What are you doing?' - closer to what I want to say, but she would not take this well.  Plus, not overly supportive.
3. 'Do you know what you are letting yourself in for?' - again, close to what I want to say especially because she is constantly moaning on Facebook about feeling poorly (which I assume is morning sickness) and tired.  This was topped off by the post this morning complaining that her new puppy had kept her awake all night.  SERIOUSLY?????
4. 'How are you going to afford a baby?' - my sister is the type of person that signs up to a top price contract to get an iPhone4 but then can't pay the bill.
5. 'Are you sure you can commit to a baby?' - since leaving school at 16 (2 years ago) she has started 2 or 3 college courses and had 5-7 jobs, all of which she has given up very quickly.  Her excuses range from it being boring, to needing her to get up early everyday and she is a night owl.  Maybe someone should tell her babies aren't bothered whether you're a morning lark or not, they need feeding day and night.
6. 'How could you do this to me?' - unreasonable because I know that she didn't do this on purpose to get at me.  She perhaps did get pregnant on purpose to ensure that she didn't have to get another job (see point 5 above)
7. Ignore her - ok, this is not saying anything to her and is my current plan.  For now I think that this is best for me and her.

If anyone has other ideas of how to break the ice, please share... I have thought about writing to her, but the same point still applies - where do I start?

xxx

Another Thursday, more thanks to share

To be honest, this week has kind of passed me in a blur.  But I have managed to take some time off to think about life after my exams.

My little brother is in the RAF and his air base are hosting their annual Family Day in August.  We've been invited every year, but DJ has always been a little too young to go inside the helicopter and with it being a fair drive away, we have waited.

But now the time has come!  DJ is now big enough to walk inside the helicopter his Uncle C flies, and so we are going down for a few days.

So my thanks this week goes to Hilton Hotels, who were having a Summer saver discount and we managed to get a room at a nearby hotel at a bargain price!

Thanks!!!!

Another Thankful Thursday

I am perhaps too tired to do this today after only 4 hours sleep last night.  but I'll have a good go none-the-less!

I am thankful to Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for the fantastic knights costume I won through their competition!  Every night, as we switch out the lights, I ask him what he is going to dream of, and every night for as long as I can remember he has always replied with: 'I dream I am a knight in shining armour'.  Every time he has made a wish, he has wished to be a knight... so when the costume arrived, I was so excited for him.

When he opened the box and tried on his new outfit, his face was amazing!

So thank you to Sonia at Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for making DJ's and my day!

I must have been on a lucky streak, because I also won the Euromillions lottery on Tuesday.  I won...wait for it...the massive amount of..........£2.60!!!!!

Now I have been dreaming about how I would spend the millions if I were to win, and the list is endless.  I'm not sure how far my winnings will stretch, but I am putting them in the kitty for a rainy day.  I might be able to afford an old-ladies plastic rain cap ;)

Thankful Thursday

I know I have missed a couple of weeks of Thankful Thursdays.  There have been a number of reasons, but mostly I just needed to try and find myself again after the last month.

We went to the dentist last week, and it made me realise that there are a couple of things that infertility has given me for the positive:

1. I don't have to take contraception.  I am rubbish at taking pills at the same time every day (I had to set an alarm on my mobile when taking my IVF drugs).  And having a latex allergy, barrier methods are just too expensive.  Obviously, trying to conceive makes this point mute, but for the future, here's a thanks to infertility.
2. I can always answer with a definite answer when asked if I am pregnant.  At the dentist, I had to have an X-ray.  With this comes the inevitable question: 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant?'.  In the past, when we first started to TTC, I remember being asked this and not knowing quite what to say (this was when I had hope that a baby would be easily conceived in the old traditional way).  I remember feeling uncertain about what to say 'Well, erm, we are trying, and my period is due this week, so erm...'  Now, there is always the certainty of 'Yes' or 'No'.

Has infertility given you anything positive?

Thanks this Thursday?

If I'm honest - today I am struggling to think of what to be thankful for, without repeating my last week's post!

This week has been exhausting.  I haven't slept in over a week for more than 4 hours.  I am a girl who likes loves her sleep.  I'm hoping with time I can start to get back into a sleeping pattern.

So I'm looking for help!  I want you to share with me your thanks for something...  it doesn't have to be deep and meaningful.  In fact, it would probably help if it wasn't.  Having thanks for the silly things in life.

I hope you can help me.

Thanks

Being thankful this Thursday

Ok, if I'm honest, I really don't feel like doing this today.  But I have lapsed recently with blogging my Thankful Thursday thoughts.

So over the last 5 days (oh my God, has it really been that long since this nightmare began?) my husband, my little boy, my Mum and my MIL have been beyond wonderful.

My husband has let me cry on his shoulder every time I have needed to, despite the inevitable pain it has caused him (and the unpleasant wetness).  He has allowed himself to cry.  We have shared our grief and sorrow.  I know that together we will come through this, but whilst we do, he will continue to be more than I could ever ask for.

My little DJ just knows when his Mummy needs a cuddle.  He is gentle and thoughtful.  His innocence and love is such a blessing.

My Mum has texted me constantly since I got home from hospital.  She may not always say the right thing, but knowing she is there and cares for me and my family right now is more than enough.

My MIL, who often struggles to know what to say, has been my 'doer'.  Running errands that I can't face at the moment.  Without her, we would have no food or clean clothes.  I cannot express how thankful I am to her for doing this for us.

Of course, again, the support and love from you all who have taken the time to read and/or comment on my blog, or who have Tweeted wonderful messages, has been more than I could ask for.  I genuinely feel your love, thoughts and prayers.  There are too many people to thank individually, and if I am honest, I start to cry when I try.  But I hope that you all know that just taking a few minutes out of your day for me means such a lot - thank you.

xxx

My first Thankful Thursday and IVF update

Yesterday, last night and this morning saw me sadder than I have been for a while.  I had a massive fall out with hubby which forced us to face feelings that we had been hiding from for a while.  Everything is ok, but I think that the combination of drugs and back pain made me emotional, so when a discussion came up I just couldn't hide anywhere - there was nowhere to run.  Hubby has always been such a strong and supportive partner, and I know that the painful talks through the night have all been sorted.  I just need to hope I can carry on.  My emotions are low and my heart feels like it is breaking (I'm not even close to my 2 week wait yet!)

Anyway, after a short nap I realised that I have been a very poor blogger recently.  Uni exams are round the corner and revision is taking all my time.  But I have decided to write a weekly post - my Thankful Thursday (#thankfulthursday #TT).  I'm not sure if this is already on the circulation of Twitterverse, most likely.  But whatever, this is mine.

So each week I am going to write one thing that makes me grateful.  Since I am mid-cycle it will probably be IF related for a while, but let's see how this pans out.  So here goes for my 1st Thankful Thursday post...

Today, I am thankful for...Gonal-F!  I recently found out I have a poor egg reserve (low AMH) and this obviously filled me with the fears and worries about how well I would respond to the IVF stims this cycle.  Today I had my first monitoring scan and my ovaries are doing wonderfully - I have 12 follies on the right, and another 6 on the left!  That's 18 in total!!!!!

If I hadn't been laying down with wandy doing her business, I may have fallen off the table!

They're growing nicely too - some are already some good sizes.  I'm back to the clinic bright and early on Saturday for a second monitoring scan and bloodwork.  I'm keeping everything crossed that they continue to grow and blossom.

So there we are - Gonal-F you are working some magic in there, and for that I am very thankful.

I'd love to hear your Thankful Thursdays too!

xxxx