Tuesday 22 February 2011

Post-op Day 4 - out come the bruises and a surprise call

After thinking I was feeling better yesterday, I had a rubbish night’s sleep and I have a really sore tummy today.  I may have been a bit premature trying to come off all the meds yesterday, and with the bruising come through on the outside, I guess that it is doing the same on the inside too.

As much as I sound like a baby, this is sore.  I know that it actually hurts less than when AF paid me her last visit, but I am being a girly about this.  I keep going thinking about the bigger picture now – I can feel the next step.  In fact, it has become more of a reality this afternoon.  I called the clinic this morning to ask them about what do I need to do to get onto a treatment cycle after my next period... Of course, I rang at lunch so they were all busy.  I was expecting a call back tomorrow, but then I’ve just had a surprise call from a nurse – can I go in tomorrow for my AMH test?

Oh my GOD!!! This is starting to feel more real.  I have waited for so long, that I was unsure whether this would ever arrive.  This test will mean that I am on the books for the next cycle block – one more period, and then hopefully I will be starting down reg.

Now I have suddenly become filled with nerves and fears.  The ‘what ifs’ that fill every IVFers life.  I am scared.  I hate myself for admitting this.  I am staying confident (as best as I can).  I am staying focused.  BUT I am so frickin’ scared.  What if this doesn’t work?  Our money tree is really bare.  This is our one and only chance – unless of course the lottery plans to show us a win.  I need to stop thinking about this for now.  I need to concentrate on some uni work.  I need to concentrate on getting stronger for tomorrow so that I can get this test done.  I need to remember that this is just one pre-treatment test.  I can take a break before we start the cycle if I don’t think that I can do it.

How stupid must I sound?  Within the matter of a page, I have gone through a full spectrum of emotions – maybe I need to get some sleep.

Monday 21 February 2011

Hospital catch up

I’m writing this from my hospital bed, the day after my laparoscopy.  I was hoping to get home today, but unfortunately I’m still a lot of pain, and I’m not allowed home while on oral morphine L

Yesterday was a very long day.  We had to leave the house at 6.15 (as usual we were late and ended up leaving at 6.30).  When I arrived I had to go through all the normal checks, including a pregnancy test.  DH and I laughed about how we would have reacted if she had said we were pregnant.  We’re allowed to dream aren’t we?  Because I have a latex allergy, I had ro be shifted down the surgery list, which meant I had to wait another hour and a half for my surgery space.  You see, my body does hate me!

I eventually went down to theatre, and after being asked for the thousandth time that morning, my name, date of birth, what I was allergic to etc (oh and the constant reminder that I was starving and thirsty having not had anything to eat for over 13 hours or drink for over 6 hours!) I was eventually given the medicine which let me drift off to sleep.

I woke up, and wasn’t in any real pain.  My IV morphine was working well on the pain, but it was also slowing my breathing, so there was a mad panic around me trying to get my breathing back to ‘normal’.  I have to admit, I was slightly annoyed by the fuss – all I wanted to do was go to sleep.  How jolly rude!

When I made it back to the ward, my lovely DH was there waiting for me.  My in-laws had also arrived and brought my little boy to see me.  He is so unbelievably brave, and though he didn’t like the IV line, he was fine seeing his Mummy look rough.  I’m so proud of my little man.

My consultant came to see me at the end of her theatre list.  She was lovely.  She has this really calm and gentle voice.  I can see why Mr H was happy for me to sneak onto her surgery list rather than wait until April to see him.  She also works at Nurture, and before going into theatre she had been very honest about the surgery – the aim was to increase my chances of a successful IVF cycle, but she couldn’t work miracles.  So when she arrived at my bedside, I had the anxious moment that she was going to tell me that there was too much damage and IVF wouldn’t be an option.  BUT I was wrong... She explained that she hadn’t been able to remove the cyst on my right ovary (hence the odd shaped tummy) but she had managed to unstuck my left ovary.  It seems that my left ovary had decided to attach itself to the surrounding organs.  The endo had formed a sticky mesh which was causing the pain.  Though she can’t guarantee that it has all gone, as there was such a lot, she has done enough to give me my chance of having another baby!!!  At this point, if I had been able to move (as the pain meds were starting to wear off) I could have hugged her.  Now I have to wait 6 weeks for down reg.  That’s right, one more period and then it’s all systems go!!!

Unfortunately, since then I haven’t reacted well to the surgery.  There is a lot of pain.  I wanted to get home today, but it seems that my body had different plans.  I know that there was a lot of endo to burn away.  The 3 little cuts on my tummy are hiding a couple of hour’s worth of surgery.  I have had laparoscopies before.  The last one took a while to recover from, but for some reason the pain this time has really taken me by surprise.  I can barely get out of bed, but I am determined to get home tomorrow.  I miss my little boy and DH.  I miss my own bed.

My little one is having a great time.  He is spending the night with my Mum and Dad.  Tonight he’s been to the circus and had his face painted for the first time.  I have been sent a lovely pic of his excited little tiger face.  I have tried to speak to him on the phone, but it’s like trying to pin down a jack rabbit – he just blurted out that he’s been to the circus, and was off again.  I don’t mind.  As long as he is happy, that is all I worry about.

I hope that this makes some sense.  I am still drugged and getting tired.  I am going to try and venture out of bed for a minute.  I just want to say thank you for everyone’s really kind messages before I came in yesterday.  It really means a lot to me knowing you are all there for me.  I hope I can return the favour one day!

xxxx

Wednesday 16 February 2011

It's nearly here!

It's only 36 hours before I have to leave for the hospital for my laparoscopy.  I have to admit I am starting to get nervous.  I went for my pre-op on Monday.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to speak to my consultant as there was a medical emergency, but had all the necessary prods and pokes to make sure that I was fit for the anesthetic.

I was intending to post about the appointment, but instead I had to deal with the really sad news that my little boys nursery was closing - that afternoon! :(  Anyone that has a little one knows that the decision to leave them with someone else (even their Daddy, grandparents or aunts/uncles) is a really tough one.  Our search for a good nursery took us months, and we were so happy with our choice.  The staff are amazing.  They have become part of an extended family to us all.

In September, the nursery was sold to this...woman (is how I'll describe her for now).  She promised that nothing would change, but very quickly we noticed the staff weren't happy, children were leaving and things were indeed changing.  I spoke to her, I wrote to her, I shouted at her to leave it alone.  Because DJ starts school in September, I didn't want to upset him by leaving his friends and 'teachers' now and then again in September.  Starting 'big school' is tough enough as it is, why making him do this twice within a year?  We only stayed there because we loved the people involved in his care so very much.

So when she wrote to us last week and gave us 2 weeks notice that they were closing for good, we were devastated.  Why hadn't we moved DJ when we started to be unhappy?  Now it is even closer to school and I have to unsettle him!

Then on Monday we got a teary 'teacher' tell us that they were closing that afternoon for good.  I was heart-broken for them, for LO and all the children there.  Luckily we had been looking at another nursery which one of the girls had recommended and thought it was a lovely place to send LO.  We also found out some of his friends are going there too, so maybe it's not too much of a change for him (or us).

Obviously, with this and uni, my week has pretty much passed in a blur.  Unfortunately I never got chance to tell the idiot of a woman what I thought of her.  She was a coward from the second she told us it was closing last week, hiding out and not showing her face.  I would never had said anything in front of LO or a child, but I really hope I bump into her at some point to tell her.  I'm not normally aggressive (well unless I'm in my car) but she has really hurt me by hurting my little boy.  Last night, I had to try and explain to him that his lovely teachers wouldn't be at his new school.  His tears were so painful.  She is a mother herself and yet she showed no compassion to the children in her care.

On a positive note, I was able to collect my uni work from last Semester.  I had 4 essays and 2 exam marks to get, and with all that had been happening, I was sure that there was at least one fail among them.  BUT in fact I passed all of them, and even got 1st class grades for most of them!!!  So stick that endo! You haven't beaten me just yet!

Must dash as LO is in the bath and his Daddy wants to get the bins out - pah, can't he see I'm busy ;)
xxx

Wednesday 9 February 2011

Pet peeve about pregnant fertiles

As most infertile women do, even before they have even had a BFP, they are fully aware of what pregnancy is supposed to be like.  We know all the milestones, all the early signs and all the feelings we should and shouldn't have.  We are a pregnancy dictionary in walking, talking form.  An expert by proxy.

I have been fortunate to be blessed with my little boy, DJ.  And I remember all the feelings that I had, wanted to have and didn't want to have throughout the whole IVF cycle and after my positive pregnancy test.

Without wanting to preach to the converted, but we all know that the heartbeat of your little growing embryo doesn't really emerge until around week 6.  At that moment, the embryo is precisely that - an embryo.  So this leads me to the peeve that I want to share with you all today.

Not only have I had to sit and listen to the tales of unexpected pregnancies or of 'only being trying for a month', but they then tell me they can FEEL their baby moving at 6 or 7 weeks!!!  One of my friends even said that during a recent concert she had been to (I think that it was a Queen tribute band) that she had felt her baby dancing!

I have actually heard this a few times.  I used to sit and nod, thinking that they just had wind!  But now, I tell them they just have wind.  I look at my framed scan pic of my little embryo taken at 7 weeks and 2 days and remember the magic of seeing that little delicate heartbeat flicker inside of me.  The life that was growing, yet being so small (hahaha, he didn't stay that way though!).  I know my friends are excited.  I sometimes feel bad for taking that away from them.  But I suppose that it's the final straw after they have regaled me with the details of their conception and how easy it was!

There are other things that annoy me, but for now this just had to be shared.  Do you have any similar stories?

Tuesday 8 February 2011

What happened to spelling?

After my previous post about social networks, I promptly logged onto my Facebook account as I had received a message from my sister.  Since we fell out earlier this week (nothing too serious) I thought it best to check what was the matter.

But while there I noticed something that has been bothering me for some time - why don't people write properly on Facebook.  Twitter has the limitation of 140 characters, therefore the poor spelling and grammar is expected - I see it as a duty to make the most out of the space that you have.  However, Facebook doesn't have such a restriction, so why on Earth do people insist on using such poor spelling and grammar?  What infuriates me more is the use of 'ii' instead of 'i'.  Do they realise that they are actually ADDING letters to the proper spelling?  Surely the purpose of slang/text speak is to SHORTEN words?

Now I know that we all make mistakes.  We are all short of time, we all need to do at least a hundred things per minute, and occasionally spelling falls victim to this. I'm not stuck-up about this, but those people that persistently abuse the beauty of the written word is infuriating to say the least.

So I have now listed the versions of words that I have discovered today:

  • wana - want to
  • boi - boy (and no extra letters or effort was used spelling it correctly!)
  • bin - been or being, not a waste receptacle
  • tu - to (again, no extra effort, so why?)
  • ova - over (only someone who has no obsession with their menstrual cycle, ovulation or fertility would use this!)
OK, I'm making myself cross thinking about this...but this is a sample from one person in the last 2 hours.  I know it might say something about my 'friend', but I haven't got it in my heart to delete her as she is the daughter of one of my only female friends.

But on a lighter note, today I had that quandary - when do I use 'effect' and 'affect'?  I am constantly getting this wrong.  I have looked it up hundreds of time, but it just doesn't stick.  So please, if you have any useful little tip as to when I should use them, share with me.  And if you have any words that bother you, again, share.  We're all friends here! :)

Social networks - ARGH!!!

As you all know, I have an active Twitter account.  I'll be honest, my BroodyIVFMummy account is my second attempt.  A while ago I decided to join the Twitterverse, basically to celeb stalk (I still think that this is the main use of Twitter apart from the small number of groups that have found genuine support, like my lovely IF community, which I will get onto later).  Maybe my heart wasn't in it, maybe I am just stupid but I just didn't get it.

I'm a creature of habit.  I used Facebook (I still do) and I liked the format.  I liked that you could follow a conversation on a status thread.  It just made sense to me.  I have to be honest I still like the way Facebook works.  I still like those things that I liked before.  My only problem is the people on Facebook.  Yes, I know that they are my friends (acquaintences?) but sometimes they can be too much.

Does anyone remember a time before social network sites?  The time when you could go home and have your private life and your friends and work colleagues could have theirs.  Apart from the morning chat about last night's TV, your two lives never shall meet.  However, along came Facebook and the other multitude of social networks and privacy disappeared.  Of course, many people are like me - those that keep some things private.  BUT soooo many people think that I am interested in every part of their life...  The people that I spend all day with have now started to bleed into my private family time.  The thing is I didn't invite them into that space, so how did it happen?

Now before you all think that I have become a two-faced monster, please know that this is only about my personal Facebook account.  I have become bored of their mundane statuses about blah, blah, blah...  I only keep it to stay in touch with family in far flung places and exchange photos with them (so I hope I'm not being too hypocritical)

My faith has been restored in social networks though.  One day I decided to create a Twitter account solely for my battle through infertility.  I don't know what made me do it, rather than use Facebook.  Maybe it was the vastness of Twitter.  Maybe I wanted to separate it from my 'other' life.  But whatever the reasons, I decided to create Broody IVF Mummy.  That is exactly who I am - a desperately broody mummy to a gorgeous son, conceived through IVF.  I hope you agree Broody IVF Mummy is a little better than the long version ;)

This account has offered me a lifeline (which I have explained before).  The wonderful people that I have 'met' through this community are amazing.  Each day, we all share our hope, joy, fears and sadness.  Unfortunately there is always too much sadness.  We all deserve the gift of parenthood by whatever road we take.  And I know that with time we will get there.  We welcome new people into our 'world' (I was amazed how welcome I was a few months ago).  I long for the day when no-one else joins because that means that infertility has been given a kick in the behind and told to move on, but that is NEVER going to happen, so we will continue to welcome newbies into our lives.

So last week I decided to start a Facebook account.  Again it is under the Broody IVF Mummy account name.  I guessed that there are some people out there, looking for some help but who can't grapple with the complexities of Twitter.  At the moment, I have one lovely friend, Stephanie, who I have managed to track through Twitter.  The point is to reach new people too, and if you are reading this and you aren't a Tweep, then please log on and follow my journey on Facebook too.  I want to share with others the support that is there (well, and the details of my IVF journey, but that's the point), and not the details of what I had for dinner last night (though I might share that info if you ask nicely).

Sorry for the rambling! xxx

Surgery date booked - all systems go!!!!

After having a painful couple of weeks at the hands of the evil endometriosis savaging my body, I had a wonderful message from my hubby yesterday on my way home from uni.  The hospital has had a cancellation and they can do my surgery on 18th OF FEBRUARY!!!!  That's right, 10 days away!!!!

I'm so thrilled to have this date.  The wait was going to be about 11 weeks and counting and I was starting to worry about how I was ever going to wait that long.  Well worry no more little Dawny, you only have to manage 10 days.

However, I think someone must have told the endo - last night was horrible.  Spending the night curled up in a heap on the floor is hardly my idea of a rocking night out.  What happened to the days when I still hadn't fallen to sleep as the morning broke?

I've had to buy myself some new leggings.  The pain and swelling has become ridiculous.  I am now starting to think that I should dig out the maternity wear to cope with this.  For now the stretch of elastane will have to suffice ;)

I am cautious to pin too much on the laparascopy.  After the fall from hope when I saw the consultant in January, I don't want to go into this surgery thinking that I will come out a new woman - pain free and, dare I say it? Fertile?  I know that this is just not going to happen.  I will settle for less pain and higher chances of conception with IVF.  I have the hope that this is just going to give me the few months that I need to get into my IVF cycle.  I know that the pain will be still be there in some way.  I'm not asking too much.  I just want to be able to move without thinking that someone has left an iron inside me.  I just want my chance to be a Mummy again!

Well we'll just have to wait and see.  I have to see this as a good thing.  I have to have the hope that it will 'make me better' but I can't invest all my hope on this.  It's just too painful to fall from when it doesn't meet my expectations.

Wednesday 2 February 2011

Brief catch up

OK, since my last post I have been running round like some demented woman, and this is the 1st day I have had  chance to get to my PC to write anything!

As I mentioned before, I am trying to get my uni work back on track.  It appears that this is harder than I anticipated.  Where do the hours go in a day?

Anyhow, I've been taking some new pain killers for the pelvic pain recommended by Mr H.  I started to take them with so much hope.  I expected them to take a few days (a week even) to start to have any effect.  I know research shows that positive thinking can have massive implications for medication.  Crikey, even placebos have shown to have effects in drug trials!  So why on Earth am I still in so much pain?  The burning, the throbbing, the general ARGHness of it all is still there.  Maybe it has taken some of it away, maybe?

But the most important thing this week has been the openness between me and DH.  After having a lengthy and open conversation about how we both felt we have both tried to give each other a few minutes at the end of the day to say how we are today.  OK, sometimes, these 'few minutes' turn into a couple of hours, but it has made things a little better.  Well, that was until the other day when I managed to say something that led to a long and tiring argument.  This is what IF does to you, it makes you see things from an isolated perspective, it makes you hurt the people you love and care about.  We did get through it, but if I can offer any advice to you starting on the IF journey - you need to develop the skill to say sorry when you perhaps don't want to, you have to show more compassion for your partner, family and friends, and you have to sometimes give yourself the time to cry, shout and scream.  You are on a rollercoaster of emotions, more than you ever thought possible, it takes time and patience to reach the end.  Some people don't make it to the end - relationships crumble, people decide that the pain of having an empty spare room is less than the pain of trying to turn it into a nursery.  Others take alternative routes, creating their families without invasive fertility treatments (however, I know that adoption is just as painful and emotional).  Whatever path IF takes you, you are a changed person at the other end, often for the better, but as in all things, all good comes with bad.

I don't intend on ending on such a bad note, so I will share with you the message from calendar today.  I have one of those calendars which has an uplifting message or feel-good tip for the day (a wonderful gift from my mother in law).

Today, I have this message:

It may sound odd, but I am grateful for __________________________ (something very common)


So today I will fill the gap with...books.  I love reading.  You can travel to new places, meet new people and learn amazing new things.  I don't get to read as many non-academic books any more, but thankfully I love learning.  What are you grateful for today?