Touching a nerve

I have just read a beautiful post by a wonderful blogger missohkay.  Each post is touching and genuine, I thoroughly recommend!

The above post has touched a nerve today.  Everything mentioned is just how I feel recently, but I realise that I have brought this upon myself.

I too am introverted, and my entry into social media was to spend time with like-minded people who could support each other through the difficult times and share the elation of the occasion good news, because I have no-one in my real-life circle of friends who I could do this with (about infertility at least).  In fact, due to infertility, I have become more and more isolated from others, to the point where it is nothing more than a Christmas card exchange and occasional Facebook message.

It almost became an addiction.  My time spent interacting with real people (like my hubby) dropped and there was a lot of charging of my mobile phone to spend more time on Twitter!

But when we entered into the last IVF cycle I realised that I was actually quite alone.  Submerging myself in this Twitterverse had made me become nothing more than an infertile.  I suppose I felt that way already (hadn't that been why I sought something to help?), but now I realised that we are all there with our own problems and issues and I wasn't comfortable sharing my own story.

I feel bad for this... I should give more credit to the gorgeous people in this network.  If they didn't want to help me when I needed them, then they wouldn't!  But I panicked.  And I turned to my stock-response when I panic - I closed off from everything.

At the time this was ok.  I convinced myself it was so I could focus on the cycle.  But from this point it has never been the same for me.

This is not a reflection on anyone else (crikey, I sound like I'm breaking up with you!).  People are still there.  But I don't think I am.

And now, after reading the post, I have realised that I haven't been there for others as much as I would have liked.  I have read posts and doubted that they would want my comment in return.

Oh FFS!  Grow some Balls, Dawn!  I realise how this sounds.  But right now I am filled with so much self-doubt...

I suppose my message is that I'm sorry.  If I follow you on Twitter or your blog, then I do follow your journey.  Even when I am quiet, I am not ignoring you.

When did Twitter-relationships become so much more than just a name on a screen?