Ending a terrible week

Well, after the rubbish news my hubby decided to deliver to me this week, we have really struggled as a couple. For me, it is about how he can change his mind so suddenly, without warning, when it was him that pushed forward for adoption.  For him, it is understanding how I can be so stuck on having another child.

I know that I have never seen myself without my hubby.  We have managed to get through so much, and yet this is one of the biggest struggles facing our relationship.  I don't want to place another child before my marriage - would I want another child without my hubby there with me? - but I cannot give up on the hope that I will have another child.

I am so confused and I seem to have handled this with ignorance...  I'm completely not thinking about what he has said, in fact in my head, if I am to be completely honest I am convinced he will change his mind.  Though in all the years we have been together, I think I know that this is not a decision he will step back from easily.  Am I right to stay deluded?  Am I just prolonging the pain?  But I can't face the future without that hope, and that dream.

I sound pathetic, and SOOOOO child-like, but I keep playing over and over in my mind the times he said "I promise we will have another child one day, whatever we have to do to get there..."  HE PROMISED!  Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a toddler.  But when such a word is precious in a relationship, then why would he go back on it?

His timing couldn't be worse.  I had to go and see my consultant on Friday.  The outcome was not great - it seems that the IVF drugs have kicked started the endo again, and I am booked to have my second laparoscopy this year!  This is becoming ridiculous - I have more scars on my tummy button and surrounding area than I should, and it seems I will be getting another one to join the gang in December.

Before then though I have to make a proper start on my dissertation - oh, yeah, hubby also winded me on that front... my dissertation is about infertility, so I have no choice but to surround myself in details of cycles and the pain it causes - someone remind me why I wanted to tackle this topic?

So as it stands today, the only way I can survive is by being completely delusional about my relationship and about whether we will have more children.  I am tired of this pain, and just wish that someone, somewhere had a spare hundred thousand pounds or so...is money the answer?  Yes, for now I actually think that it is...