When you hit rock bottom, there's an abyss open up

Yesterday my world collapsed around me.

I have been keeping a big secret from you, mostly because there was such a long way to go and I wasn't sure what I was allowed to say - but we decided that we were going to extend our family through adoption.

We had spoken about it for a very long time.  Each time we mentioned it, we were both filled with excitement and we soon realised that this was how we wanted to have more children.

When we applied, there were setbacks - mostly because we had fertility treatment this year - but we knew we had to be patient and this was just one of many obstacles which would present itself.

But this last week, hubby has been suffering again, and has been in bed for a lot of time.  It gave him time to think, and I suppose this made the timing of yesterday's phone call from the agency harder.  Basically, hubby is concerned that he would fail the medical, the agency would want us to wait another 6 months because of our IVF (this is their second moving of our application) and DJ needs to be 5 (which he will be in May) before we can think about registering our interest again.

So we have taken the first few steps and then told to hold back - what is this?  Are we not good enough?

Hubby then dropped the bomb-shell that he didn't think he could cope with trying for another child.  No adoption.  No IVF (should we managed to find £6,000 on the street).  Nothing.

So here I am today, with fresh pain, no sleep and floods of tears not knowing where my life is going any more.  Today I am struggling to cope with living and if it weren't for DJ I don't dare think about where I would be.

Today, my heart has been ripped out and my soul left torn.  I thought I was on a path WITH my husband.  Instead I am now feeling very alone.