Hope of a little person. Thanks DJ

Every day there seems to be a challenge doesn't there?  Some days are way tougher than others; some days the challenge is merely to get out of bed in the morning (especially with this cold weather).

Infertility is such a dominating, and difficult, journey, that sometimes you forget who you actually are...were... without it in your life.

I can tell you that, even though I am so very lucky to have DJ in my life, the 'infertile' me still rules my life on more occasions that I wish it did.  I often loose sight of who I am, who I want to be.  And if you aren't careful, it starts to hide who you are from your friends and your family.

For the last year or so, DJ has become more and more adamant about wanting siblings in his life.  He asks at least once a day when he will get a 'baby brother and baby sister'.  Even to the point of him looking at bunk beds for when the day arrived.

As you can imagine, a few months ago, this was torture for me.  I fought back the tears and told him that babies take a lot of time, and love (I didn't think that a 4-year-old should hear all about the injections, probing and MONEY).  I sometimes had to leave and would hide in the bathroom sobbing until I couldn't cry any more.

It still hurts.  I'm not going to lie.  But what I am starting to take from his love and thought of siblings, is that he will make a fantastic big brother some day.  He has so much hope that a brother and a sister will be in his life at some time in the future.  I know that this hope comes filled with naivity.  But it has made me realise how much hope I have lost.

We can't ignore the fact that more children will come easily to us.  We can't hide away from the pain that losing the babies this year has caused us.  But what we can do is realise that there is hope for us.  DJ can feel it, and so can we.

So this weeks Thankful Thursday is to you DJ, for reminding me to have hope, and for keeping it alive when it had died inside me.