Just a thought...

When you decide to start trying for a baby, your life suddenly becomes filled with "could be's"

If we get pregnant this month, the baby could be born on such and such day...


If the baby is..., then it could be...


This is no different for anyone wanting to start a family.  I suppose those people needing fertility treatment have longer to create these little dreams, but we all have them.

But as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test or raising betas, these "could be's" become "going to be's".

I'm sure I'm not the only one.  As soon as you know that you are creating life, you change.  The way you think changes.  You start to PLAN, not just dream

The baby's going to be born on this date


Our life is going to be ...


You know your life is never going to be the same ever again, and it never is.

BUT - and this is one Hell of a 'but'... when you suffer the loss of your baby, whenever that may be, those plans and "going to be's" are broken.  I know that the longer you have your baby, the more detailed those plans become.  You may know your baby is going to be a boy or a girl, you may have a name for your future little joy.  However, no matter whether you have this or not, the loss is a heartbreaking pain.

There becomes a black hole where there was once life and joy.  Your future child's shadow and the life around them starts to fade.  The bright and hope-filled plans become dark ghosts of a life that could have been.

Grieving is therefore learning to cope with the pain of knowing my babies are gone for ever, but also trying to rebuild a future plan, empty of the little lives that should have been there.