I know that I haven't managed to bring myself to blog for a while, and as such my Thankful Thursdays have been a victim of neglect, but let's see how this goes...
This week seems to have passed in a little bit of a blur of uni, school runs and emotions. Yet sat here now, just back from DJs first harvest festival, I am reminded of the words of the Reverend a few moments ago - 'let us be thankful for what we have'.
I'll be honest, I'm not what someone would describe as a practicing Christian. I live my life good (or try to) and I think that is more important that visiting your local Church and playing lip service to the meaning of the messages you hear... I hope that makes sense, and doesn't offend.
Anyway, as we sat in quiet prayer, the soft voice of the Reverend spoke a beautiful prayer. Intended for the children about how we should be thankful for the plentiful food we have, but as he spoke, all I could think was how terrible I have been in the last few months. I haven't truly celebrated what I DO have, and focused on the injustice and things I have lost.
I suppose sitting in the middle of a packed church, silently crying wasn't the intention, but still it was a little moment when I thought about getting myself in forward gear.
I don't ever think that you let go of your grief.
I don't think that you should forget.
I don't want to ever forget.
But I know you have to move forward. I know that you have to learn to live with grief in your life, but not with grief being your life.
In so many ways I feel guilty for moving forward. As I've been living in a state of autopilot much of the time, I have avoided the feelings, but as I am trying to fight the emotional battle of moving forward, I am fighting the guilt of leaving a life that should have been and isn't.
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