I am aware that after my last post, this might seem to be reverting to the doom and gloom of previous posts. But I need to get this down, so apologies for that.
When I went for 'that' scan the sonographer found a small endometrium. Now in the midst of all the other news we heard that day, this seemed to have gone in but been stored somewhere out of reach. That was until this week.
On Wednesday afternoon, I felt that familiar but unwelcome dull ache. Not unbearable, not debilitating, but definitely there. The feeling of being burned from the inside.
I only stopped bleeding last week (after 2 weeks), so this hit me hard. I'm not sure I am ready for the return of the pain and the hell of endo right now. I'm only just finding my feet after everything of the last month.
I only had my laparoscopy in February. Surely this is not supposed to happen just yet?
History has shown me that endo tends to set up home quickly once it's there. This fills me with fear and dread of what the next few months hold.
We have our WTF appointment with the clinic in August, and since we're seeing the consultant that did my laparoscopy in February, I'm holding out for some answers then.
Until then... I'm keeping everything crossed endo can be just held at bay.
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Friday, 4 March 2011
It seems age isn't on my side :(
As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently had my AMH test to measure my egg reserve. For some reason I wasn't particularly worried about this. After all I had just had surgery and they didn't see anything that overly serious, and I'm only 30! Maybe I have fallen foul of everyone around me reminding me that I have age on my side. It wasn't like I had left trying for a baby until after my career...
Well, it seems that my body had an Ace up its sleeve! Guess what? I don't have many eggs left, my eggs are ageing faster than me.
I knew the news wasn't great when I called the clinic and they said that I needed to speak to the nurse and she would call me back. Then when she did, she went all round the houses explaining what the test did, how the levels were grouped etc and then she hit me with "...and you have low fertility". I felt the burning in my chest and my eyes. I waited for her to tell me that it was ok, that it was just below 'normal', but she didn't. She explained that I was in the lower half of the low band. So that the frick does that mean?
IVF is still going ahead, but our bill has gone up as I will need higher doses of stim meds. And it is only now I realise just how much these drugs cost. Would it be cheaper to get a crack habit?
To make matters worse, my tummy is still really sore. The swelling is going down, but it is still really tender. I ventured out in the car earlier to take DJ to nursery and I've been really uncomfortable all day since. I have to get through it because I have to get back to uni on Monday and that is an hours drive each way and sitting through hours of lectures.
I'm staying hopeful... What option do I have? I can feel the hormones kicking in. AF will be here in about a week. So I warn you, there may be tears for a while. BUT, as soon as AF has arrived, I'm becoming super focused on this cycle. SO take that IF!
Well, it seems that my body had an Ace up its sleeve! Guess what? I don't have many eggs left, my eggs are ageing faster than me.
I knew the news wasn't great when I called the clinic and they said that I needed to speak to the nurse and she would call me back. Then when she did, she went all round the houses explaining what the test did, how the levels were grouped etc and then she hit me with "...and you have low fertility". I felt the burning in my chest and my eyes. I waited for her to tell me that it was ok, that it was just below 'normal', but she didn't. She explained that I was in the lower half of the low band. So that the frick does that mean?
IVF is still going ahead, but our bill has gone up as I will need higher doses of stim meds. And it is only now I realise just how much these drugs cost. Would it be cheaper to get a crack habit?
To make matters worse, my tummy is still really sore. The swelling is going down, but it is still really tender. I ventured out in the car earlier to take DJ to nursery and I've been really uncomfortable all day since. I have to get through it because I have to get back to uni on Monday and that is an hours drive each way and sitting through hours of lectures.
I'm staying hopeful... What option do I have? I can feel the hormones kicking in. AF will be here in about a week. So I warn you, there may be tears for a while. BUT, as soon as AF has arrived, I'm becoming super focused on this cycle. SO take that IF!
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Post-op Day 4 - out come the bruises and a surprise call
After thinking I was feeling better yesterday, I had a rubbish night’s sleep and I have a really sore tummy today. I may have been a bit premature trying to come off all the meds yesterday, and with the bruising come through on the outside, I guess that it is doing the same on the inside too.
As much as I sound like a baby, this is sore. I know that it actually hurts less than when AF paid me her last visit, but I am being a girly about this. I keep going thinking about the bigger picture now – I can feel the next step. In fact, it has become more of a reality this afternoon. I called the clinic this morning to ask them about what do I need to do to get onto a treatment cycle after my next period... Of course, I rang at lunch so they were all busy. I was expecting a call back tomorrow, but then I’ve just had a surprise call from a nurse – can I go in tomorrow for my AMH test?
Oh my GOD!!! This is starting to feel more real. I have waited for so long, that I was unsure whether this would ever arrive. This test will mean that I am on the books for the next cycle block – one more period, and then hopefully I will be starting down reg.
Now I have suddenly become filled with nerves and fears. The ‘what ifs’ that fill every IVFers life. I am scared. I hate myself for admitting this. I am staying confident (as best as I can). I am staying focused. BUT I am so frickin’ scared. What if this doesn’t work? Our money tree is really bare. This is our one and only chance – unless of course the lottery plans to show us a win. I need to stop thinking about this for now. I need to concentrate on some uni work. I need to concentrate on getting stronger for tomorrow so that I can get this test done. I need to remember that this is just one pre-treatment test. I can take a break before we start the cycle if I don’t think that I can do it.
How stupid must I sound? Within the matter of a page, I have gone through a full spectrum of emotions – maybe I need to get some sleep.
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
It's nearly here!
It's only 36 hours before I have to leave for the hospital for my laparoscopy. I have to admit I am starting to get nervous. I went for my pre-op on Monday. Unfortunately I wasn't able to speak to my consultant as there was a medical emergency, but had all the necessary prods and pokes to make sure that I was fit for the anesthetic.
I was intending to post about the appointment, but instead I had to deal with the really sad news that my little boys nursery was closing - that afternoon! :( Anyone that has a little one knows that the decision to leave them with someone else (even their Daddy, grandparents or aunts/uncles) is a really tough one. Our search for a good nursery took us months, and we were so happy with our choice. The staff are amazing. They have become part of an extended family to us all.
In September, the nursery was sold to this...woman (is how I'll describe her for now). She promised that nothing would change, but very quickly we noticed the staff weren't happy, children were leaving and things were indeed changing. I spoke to her, I wrote to her, I shouted at her to leave it alone. Because DJ starts school in September, I didn't want to upset him by leaving his friends and 'teachers' now and then again in September. Starting 'big school' is tough enough as it is, why making him do this twice within a year? We only stayed there because we loved the people involved in his care so very much.
So when she wrote to us last week and gave us 2 weeks notice that they were closing for good, we were devastated. Why hadn't we moved DJ when we started to be unhappy? Now it is even closer to school and I have to unsettle him!
Then on Monday we got a teary 'teacher' tell us that they were closing that afternoon for good. I was heart-broken for them, for LO and all the children there. Luckily we had been looking at another nursery which one of the girls had recommended and thought it was a lovely place to send LO. We also found out some of his friends are going there too, so maybe it's not too much of a change for him (or us).
Obviously, with this and uni, my week has pretty much passed in a blur. Unfortunately I never got chance to tell the idiot of a woman what I thought of her. She was a coward from the second she told us it was closing last week, hiding out and not showing her face. I would never had said anything in front of LO or a child, but I really hope I bump into her at some point to tell her. I'm not normally aggressive (well unless I'm in my car) but she has really hurt me by hurting my little boy. Last night, I had to try and explain to him that his lovely teachers wouldn't be at his new school. His tears were so painful. She is a mother herself and yet she showed no compassion to the children in her care.
On a positive note, I was able to collect my uni work from last Semester. I had 4 essays and 2 exam marks to get, and with all that had been happening, I was sure that there was at least one fail among them. BUT in fact I passed all of them, and even got 1st class grades for most of them!!! So stick that endo! You haven't beaten me just yet!
Must dash as LO is in the bath and his Daddy wants to get the bins out - pah, can't he see I'm busy ;)
xxx
Then on Monday we got a teary 'teacher' tell us that they were closing that afternoon for good. I was heart-broken for them, for LO and all the children there. Luckily we had been looking at another nursery which one of the girls had recommended and thought it was a lovely place to send LO. We also found out some of his friends are going there too, so maybe it's not too much of a change for him (or us).
Obviously, with this and uni, my week has pretty much passed in a blur. Unfortunately I never got chance to tell the idiot of a woman what I thought of her. She was a coward from the second she told us it was closing last week, hiding out and not showing her face. I would never had said anything in front of LO or a child, but I really hope I bump into her at some point to tell her. I'm not normally aggressive (well unless I'm in my car) but she has really hurt me by hurting my little boy. Last night, I had to try and explain to him that his lovely teachers wouldn't be at his new school. His tears were so painful. She is a mother herself and yet she showed no compassion to the children in her care.
On a positive note, I was able to collect my uni work from last Semester. I had 4 essays and 2 exam marks to get, and with all that had been happening, I was sure that there was at least one fail among them. BUT in fact I passed all of them, and even got 1st class grades for most of them!!! So stick that endo! You haven't beaten me just yet!
Must dash as LO is in the bath and his Daddy wants to get the bins out - pah, can't he see I'm busy ;)
xxx
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Surgery date booked - all systems go!!!!
After having a painful couple of weeks at the hands of the evil endometriosis savaging my body, I had a wonderful message from my hubby yesterday on my way home from uni. The hospital has had a cancellation and they can do my surgery on 18th OF FEBRUARY!!!! That's right, 10 days away!!!!
I'm so thrilled to have this date. The wait was going to be about 11 weeks and counting and I was starting to worry about how I was ever going to wait that long. Well worry no more little Dawny, you only have to manage 10 days.
However, I think someone must have told the endo - last night was horrible. Spending the night curled up in a heap on the floor is hardly my idea of a rocking night out. What happened to the days when I still hadn't fallen to sleep as the morning broke?
I've had to buy myself some new leggings. The pain and swelling has become ridiculous. I am now starting to think that I should dig out the maternity wear to cope with this. For now the stretch of elastane will have to suffice ;)
I am cautious to pin too much on the laparascopy. After the fall from hope when I saw the consultant in January, I don't want to go into this surgery thinking that I will come out a new woman - pain free and, dare I say it? Fertile? I know that this is just not going to happen. I will settle for less pain and higher chances of conception with IVF. I have the hope that this is just going to give me the few months that I need to get into my IVF cycle. I know that the pain will be still be there in some way. I'm not asking too much. I just want to be able to move without thinking that someone has left an iron inside me. I just want my chance to be a Mummy again!
Well we'll just have to wait and see. I have to see this as a good thing. I have to have the hope that it will 'make me better' but I can't invest all my hope on this. It's just too painful to fall from when it doesn't meet my expectations.
I'm so thrilled to have this date. The wait was going to be about 11 weeks and counting and I was starting to worry about how I was ever going to wait that long. Well worry no more little Dawny, you only have to manage 10 days.
However, I think someone must have told the endo - last night was horrible. Spending the night curled up in a heap on the floor is hardly my idea of a rocking night out. What happened to the days when I still hadn't fallen to sleep as the morning broke?
I've had to buy myself some new leggings. The pain and swelling has become ridiculous. I am now starting to think that I should dig out the maternity wear to cope with this. For now the stretch of elastane will have to suffice ;)
I am cautious to pin too much on the laparascopy. After the fall from hope when I saw the consultant in January, I don't want to go into this surgery thinking that I will come out a new woman - pain free and, dare I say it? Fertile? I know that this is just not going to happen. I will settle for less pain and higher chances of conception with IVF. I have the hope that this is just going to give me the few months that I need to get into my IVF cycle. I know that the pain will be still be there in some way. I'm not asking too much. I just want to be able to move without thinking that someone has left an iron inside me. I just want my chance to be a Mummy again!
Well we'll just have to wait and see. I have to see this as a good thing. I have to have the hope that it will 'make me better' but I can't invest all my hope on this. It's just too painful to fall from when it doesn't meet my expectations.
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Is this the turning point?
On Monday evening, I had some great news! I have been selected to present my Summer research project to a conference in April!
I'm thrilled. I know that the competition was tough, and I genuinely didn't think that I had a chance. My tutor told me to submit my abstract as she thought it was a novel project, and would be of interest. I was flattered at this, so to be selected (in the first stage of selection too!) was unbelievable.
I am using this as the well needed boost I need right now. Until the nerves set in in a couple of weeks time when I start to write my presentation, I am just taking this as a great platform to change.
So yesterday, with this newly focused me, I went to my GP and demanded some pain relief for the pains which have been stopping me sleep for weeks. They are getting worse and worse each day, so I decided that since we weren't in a cycle for at least a few months, I shouldn't allow myself to be a martyr to endometriosis! They take a while to start working, but last night I got 4 hours solid sleep. This is amazing for me and I'm hoping that the pains will start to ease over the week.
I also called the consultants secretary. Unfortunately she wasn't at work (though her message said she works Tuesdays and there was no way of leaving a message for her to call me back). This is a pet hate of mine. I called LOTS yesterday to get the same message. If you aren't there, leave a message to say so, or let me leave my details so you can call me back!
I also organised DJs follow consultation from his MRI for 23rd February. Keeping my fingers crossed so hard for that.
Plus, I had a good work day at uni.
All in all, yesterday was a better day, and I'm staying hopeful that today can build on it.
My thought for today: Gratitude opens your heart to happiness... So I am being grateful for the encouragement of my husband, my son and my tutor for their help this Summer, and the conference selection panel for having confidence in my work.
I'm thrilled. I know that the competition was tough, and I genuinely didn't think that I had a chance. My tutor told me to submit my abstract as she thought it was a novel project, and would be of interest. I was flattered at this, so to be selected (in the first stage of selection too!) was unbelievable.
I am using this as the well needed boost I need right now. Until the nerves set in in a couple of weeks time when I start to write my presentation, I am just taking this as a great platform to change.
So yesterday, with this newly focused me, I went to my GP and demanded some pain relief for the pains which have been stopping me sleep for weeks. They are getting worse and worse each day, so I decided that since we weren't in a cycle for at least a few months, I shouldn't allow myself to be a martyr to endometriosis! They take a while to start working, but last night I got 4 hours solid sleep. This is amazing for me and I'm hoping that the pains will start to ease over the week.
I also called the consultants secretary. Unfortunately she wasn't at work (though her message said she works Tuesdays and there was no way of leaving a message for her to call me back). This is a pet hate of mine. I called LOTS yesterday to get the same message. If you aren't there, leave a message to say so, or let me leave my details so you can call me back!
I also organised DJs follow consultation from his MRI for 23rd February. Keeping my fingers crossed so hard for that.
Plus, I had a good work day at uni.
All in all, yesterday was a better day, and I'm staying hopeful that today can build on it.
My thought for today: Gratitude opens your heart to happiness... So I am being grateful for the encouragement of my husband, my son and my tutor for their help this Summer, and the conference selection panel for having confidence in my work.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
I'm just not me...
Well, the last few days have been emotional. I have let everyone down, including myself - especially myself. I have lost focus on who I am, what I am working towards and where I want to be. I didn't want to do a 'how terrible 2010 has been' post, but the reality is that it has left me scarred in ways that I am only now truly realising.
The old saying goes 'if you have your health, then you have everything'. So what happens when you don't have your health? What happens when 'healthiness' walks out of the front door for a very long holiday? Last year my whole family was blighted with illness - my parents, my sister, my hubby, my son. I wasn't spared this ill-fate either, with the pains from endo being the worst that I can remember. Of course, you go on, you face each day and take on the the challenges that face you, but I have to admit, I ran out of energy a long time ago.
I'm in danger of writing a post of 'woe is me', filled with self-pity. That's not my intention, but right now I am feeling very broken. I can't stop the tears. I can't concentrate on the things more precious to me. I feel like I'm not really living.
I love university. I love learning. I always have, and my problems of adolescence (yes, more medical dramas which I might save for another day) stole my chance to go to uni when everyone thought I would go. I'm not sad about that. My course choice now is based on my experiences, my interests and my dreams for the future. I know I would have made the wrong choice at 18. However, since starting back in September, I just haven't been able to focus. The passion was lost in the hot flushes, the scans, the pain and the unending need for a baby. I know that my exams and essays of last term are going to be disappointing. I know that they won't be what I expect of myself. Am I strong enough to face the disappointment in myself? To be honest I'm not sure.
So this week, starting back to uni has been tough. I have decided though to face it head on, and recentre my love and passion. I am starting a 9-5 routine as best I can. I am working my little socks off (well, actually I always wear knee high socks, but you get the picture ;) ). Ill-health may have stolen me for the last 8 months, but I won't let it take this away too.
It's not just uni that has been affected. I've spent less time with my gorgeous hubby and son than they deserve. I feel guilty for not being able to give my hubby another baby. I feel guilty that I can't give my little boy the baby brother or sister he keeps asking for. So instead of sharing the guilt with them, I decided that I should hide away. That way the guilt was my own. In reality all I have done is made it twice as hard to talk to hubby about this because I picture the anger and hatred he has for me is the same as what I have for myself.
DH forced me to face this head-on last night. He told me to stop hiding. He told me he knew what I was doing. He reminded me that the want for a baby is OURS. Our IF is OURS. I love him so very much. After a lot of tears (from us both), I think that we have managed to start this journey together again.
IF is such a b*tch. It takes what is a natural and beautiful wish and turns it into a painful nightmare. Bringing a child into the world is about the sharing of love with another, yet IF manages to make it cold, clinical and traumatic. IF makes you hate yourself, it makes you envious of others, it makes you change. And not all the changes are for the better. But, some are. To survive IF you need to be strong. You need to know you are not alone. You need to have more love, more than can be imagined by others.
So here I am, still broken, still hurting, still filled with guilt and self-hate. But, I am going to make IF wish it hadn't messed with me. I am going to get my degree, I am going to be the best Mummy and wife that I can be. Whether it kills me along the way is another story, but for now I need to at least try.
The old saying goes 'if you have your health, then you have everything'. So what happens when you don't have your health? What happens when 'healthiness' walks out of the front door for a very long holiday? Last year my whole family was blighted with illness - my parents, my sister, my hubby, my son. I wasn't spared this ill-fate either, with the pains from endo being the worst that I can remember. Of course, you go on, you face each day and take on the the challenges that face you, but I have to admit, I ran out of energy a long time ago.
I'm in danger of writing a post of 'woe is me', filled with self-pity. That's not my intention, but right now I am feeling very broken. I can't stop the tears. I can't concentrate on the things more precious to me. I feel like I'm not really living.
I love university. I love learning. I always have, and my problems of adolescence (yes, more medical dramas which I might save for another day) stole my chance to go to uni when everyone thought I would go. I'm not sad about that. My course choice now is based on my experiences, my interests and my dreams for the future. I know I would have made the wrong choice at 18. However, since starting back in September, I just haven't been able to focus. The passion was lost in the hot flushes, the scans, the pain and the unending need for a baby. I know that my exams and essays of last term are going to be disappointing. I know that they won't be what I expect of myself. Am I strong enough to face the disappointment in myself? To be honest I'm not sure.
So this week, starting back to uni has been tough. I have decided though to face it head on, and recentre my love and passion. I am starting a 9-5 routine as best I can. I am working my little socks off (well, actually I always wear knee high socks, but you get the picture ;) ). Ill-health may have stolen me for the last 8 months, but I won't let it take this away too.
It's not just uni that has been affected. I've spent less time with my gorgeous hubby and son than they deserve. I feel guilty for not being able to give my hubby another baby. I feel guilty that I can't give my little boy the baby brother or sister he keeps asking for. So instead of sharing the guilt with them, I decided that I should hide away. That way the guilt was my own. In reality all I have done is made it twice as hard to talk to hubby about this because I picture the anger and hatred he has for me is the same as what I have for myself.
DH forced me to face this head-on last night. He told me to stop hiding. He told me he knew what I was doing. He reminded me that the want for a baby is OURS. Our IF is OURS. I love him so very much. After a lot of tears (from us both), I think that we have managed to start this journey together again.
IF is such a b*tch. It takes what is a natural and beautiful wish and turns it into a painful nightmare. Bringing a child into the world is about the sharing of love with another, yet IF manages to make it cold, clinical and traumatic. IF makes you hate yourself, it makes you envious of others, it makes you change. And not all the changes are for the better. But, some are. To survive IF you need to be strong. You need to know you are not alone. You need to have more love, more than can be imagined by others.
So here I am, still broken, still hurting, still filled with guilt and self-hate. But, I am going to make IF wish it hadn't messed with me. I am going to get my degree, I am going to be the best Mummy and wife that I can be. Whether it kills me along the way is another story, but for now I need to at least try.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Dreams shattered - please don't say I told you so...
Well, after a couple of days dwelling on it, I think that I can share what happened at the beginning of this week.
Monday was LOs MRI. We had been told he would need a general anaesthetic, but when we arrived they said that as he was under 4 they would sedate him instead. Now I probably should say that my little boy is BIG. He was born big, and has always been bigger than average. He's already in age 4-6 years clothes!
Rather than basing the cut off for sedation over general anaesthetic on weight, they do it by age, so they went ahead with the sedation. The first medicine didn't work, but made LO act just like a very drunk teenager! He is definitely going to be the life and soul of the party when he does discover alcohol!!!! As funny as it was, it is hard to see your LO look quite so out of control. The only saving grace was that he seemed happy. As it didn't make him sleepy they gave him a second dose of sedation. This apparently would knock him out for hours. Only one child before had managed to stay awake after having both, and they were optimistic. HOWEVER, it turned out my LO was going to be the second!!! After nearly 2 hours they called it time, and we went back to the ward. Then we had to wait to see if they would allow him home. Because he'd had such a lot of medication, and he hadn't even started to sleep it off, they were unsure whether he could come home. They only agreed to let him out as we explained we were staying in a hotel only 5 minutes down the road.
Well, he did fall asleep eventually, and when he woke up he kept referring to the day in hospital as a dream. Poor little love even had the next day memory loss after a good night out on the booze! I have to admit, I didn't get any sleep that night. Laying there watching his breathing (as this was what they were worried about) and making sure that he was ok. Seeing your LO lay there with no movement is horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
To make matters worse, AF decided to show up in the middle of the night. Even if I had managed to relax and not stare at my little boy all night, I wouldn't have managed to get any rest from the pain.
The following morning, we dropped LO off with his Nanna. We decided that taking him to see the clinic was not the best idea. He was still a little wobbly on his feet and he would have asked a lot of questions. Plus, I don't think that it's fair for us to take him to the clinic. It can be a smack in the teeth for other couples there.
Off we went to the clinic, we stopped and had a hot chocolate and cake before we went. The pain was showing in my face and the way I moved, but I told DH to not tell the clinic. I wanted to know that I could start on this journey. We walked in (I suppose I more staggered in to be honest) and we waited to see Mr H. We entered with the hopes and anxieties that this was the start of a great journey together!
As I sat down, Mr H picked up straight away I was in a lot of pain. Without many questions he arranged for me to have a scan (great as AF had decided to show that morning as heavy as ever). I knew then he had concerns, I knew that this was not the way I had envisaged this meeting going. After the scan there was no talk of dates of starting treatment, no talk of what meds would be best, nothing about our plans for another baby. Instead, Mr H has referred me for surgery. I'm not sure what he said, the voices happened around me. I was there but not. All I could hear was that my previous consultant had given me the wrong treatment, that they should have at least scanned me, why didn't they look inside me?
I could feel the tears burn my eyes and warm my cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen! My previous consultant should have admitted he didn't know what he was doing, but instead he has potentially done damage to my chances of having a baby!
All I could do on the drive home was shout and cry. Why?
Right now, I'm a little numb. I'm waiting for a date for surgery. Hopefully I'll speak to Mr H again (as he will be my surgeon) and he can explain what is happening, but until then, I'm not sure how I can cope. I had so much pinned on the consultation. I had hopes, plans and dreams... Just gone.
I know that you might think that this is silly. Mr H is a wonderful doctor. He told DH that anything he does will be to help achieve another pregnancy. I know that this is not a forever situation, just a delay to my plans. BUT, the pain this month with AF has been so awful. I have spent the last 2 days in bed unable to move. I just wanted to know that something was happening. I have been waiting to start on the way, and waiting a little longer is more than I can take at the moment.
Sorry if you think that I am being pathetic, I feel it, but right now my heart is so damaged...
Monday was LOs MRI. We had been told he would need a general anaesthetic, but when we arrived they said that as he was under 4 they would sedate him instead. Now I probably should say that my little boy is BIG. He was born big, and has always been bigger than average. He's already in age 4-6 years clothes!
Rather than basing the cut off for sedation over general anaesthetic on weight, they do it by age, so they went ahead with the sedation. The first medicine didn't work, but made LO act just like a very drunk teenager! He is definitely going to be the life and soul of the party when he does discover alcohol!!!! As funny as it was, it is hard to see your LO look quite so out of control. The only saving grace was that he seemed happy. As it didn't make him sleepy they gave him a second dose of sedation. This apparently would knock him out for hours. Only one child before had managed to stay awake after having both, and they were optimistic. HOWEVER, it turned out my LO was going to be the second!!! After nearly 2 hours they called it time, and we went back to the ward. Then we had to wait to see if they would allow him home. Because he'd had such a lot of medication, and he hadn't even started to sleep it off, they were unsure whether he could come home. They only agreed to let him out as we explained we were staying in a hotel only 5 minutes down the road.
Well, he did fall asleep eventually, and when he woke up he kept referring to the day in hospital as a dream. Poor little love even had the next day memory loss after a good night out on the booze! I have to admit, I didn't get any sleep that night. Laying there watching his breathing (as this was what they were worried about) and making sure that he was ok. Seeing your LO lay there with no movement is horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
To make matters worse, AF decided to show up in the middle of the night. Even if I had managed to relax and not stare at my little boy all night, I wouldn't have managed to get any rest from the pain.
The following morning, we dropped LO off with his Nanna. We decided that taking him to see the clinic was not the best idea. He was still a little wobbly on his feet and he would have asked a lot of questions. Plus, I don't think that it's fair for us to take him to the clinic. It can be a smack in the teeth for other couples there.
Off we went to the clinic, we stopped and had a hot chocolate and cake before we went. The pain was showing in my face and the way I moved, but I told DH to not tell the clinic. I wanted to know that I could start on this journey. We walked in (I suppose I more staggered in to be honest) and we waited to see Mr H. We entered with the hopes and anxieties that this was the start of a great journey together!
As I sat down, Mr H picked up straight away I was in a lot of pain. Without many questions he arranged for me to have a scan (great as AF had decided to show that morning as heavy as ever). I knew then he had concerns, I knew that this was not the way I had envisaged this meeting going. After the scan there was no talk of dates of starting treatment, no talk of what meds would be best, nothing about our plans for another baby. Instead, Mr H has referred me for surgery. I'm not sure what he said, the voices happened around me. I was there but not. All I could hear was that my previous consultant had given me the wrong treatment, that they should have at least scanned me, why didn't they look inside me?
I could feel the tears burn my eyes and warm my cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen! My previous consultant should have admitted he didn't know what he was doing, but instead he has potentially done damage to my chances of having a baby!
All I could do on the drive home was shout and cry. Why?
Right now, I'm a little numb. I'm waiting for a date for surgery. Hopefully I'll speak to Mr H again (as he will be my surgeon) and he can explain what is happening, but until then, I'm not sure how I can cope. I had so much pinned on the consultation. I had hopes, plans and dreams... Just gone.
I know that you might think that this is silly. Mr H is a wonderful doctor. He told DH that anything he does will be to help achieve another pregnancy. I know that this is not a forever situation, just a delay to my plans. BUT, the pain this month with AF has been so awful. I have spent the last 2 days in bed unable to move. I just wanted to know that something was happening. I have been waiting to start on the way, and waiting a little longer is more than I can take at the moment.
Sorry if you think that I am being pathetic, I feel it, but right now my heart is so damaged...
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
What have I done to deserve the hate of my uterus and ovaries?
Dear Womanly Organs of Mine,
You have caused me YEARS of pain, please could you kindly tell me how I can make this stop? I have tried everything - I have been put through the menopause TWICE (and had to put up with all that this involves - WARNING LADIES, it is not pretty; hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and weight gain), I have had a couple of laparoscopies, I have taken all concoctions of pain relief and anti-inflammatories (admittedly, some of these were not so bad) - but yet you insist on causing me nothing but discomfort at best, but mostly agonising pain.
Since finishing the Zoladex I have tried to ignore your niggling rumblings of what I know is there. I know that you are covered in endometrial tissue, and I know that you aren't supposed to be. But I have tried to help you. I promise, this journey has been harder on me than it has on you.
I know that the pain is probably out of your control, but I would really appreciate a couple of days off. A day where I could love my husband without tears of pain and sadness, a day where I can enjoy wrestling with my little boy without knowing that I am going to have to stop before I pass out... Please, just one day!
I am asking a lot of you - I understand that you have to make me suffer a little bit, I guess I must have done something that made the endo take hold as much as it has done. But please realise that you are not the only one affected - my bowel is now suffering, my stomach seems to be joining in the list, and they seem to think that it is moving upwards towards my lung cavity. I know that you probably don't care, but I really do. I can't take much more.
Perhaps there is a compromise here - I will not ask this of you again if you just hold onto any embryos that I offer you. I think that this is a small job for you, and I promise that I will live with whatever you throw at me in the future.
Your suffering servant
Me xx
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