What have I done to deserve the hate of my uterus and ovaries?

Dear Womanly Organs of Mine, 

You have caused me YEARS of pain, please could you kindly tell me how I can make this stop?  I have tried everything - I have been put through the menopause TWICE (and had to put up with all that this involves - WARNING LADIES, it is not pretty; hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and weight gain), I have had a couple of laparoscopies, I have taken all concoctions of pain relief and anti-inflammatories (admittedly, some of these were not so bad) - but yet you insist on causing me nothing but discomfort at best, but mostly agonising pain. 

Doctors told me that the last stretch of the Zoladex (the lovely drug stabbed into my tummy to induce the menopause) would allow you to sleep for 6/7 months.  You are supposed to wake up feeling energised, new and PAIN FREE!  What happened?  Why haven't you done this?

Since finishing the Zoladex I have tried to ignore your niggling rumblings of what I know is there.  I know that you are covered in endometrial tissue, and I know that you aren't supposed to be.  But I have tried to help you.  I promise, this journey has been harder on me than it has on you.

I know that the pain is probably out of your control, but I would really appreciate a couple of days off.  A day where I could love my husband without tears of pain and sadness, a day where I can enjoy wrestling with my little boy without knowing that I am going to have to stop before I pass out... Please, just one day!

I am asking a lot of you - I understand that you have to make me suffer a little bit, I guess I must have done something that made the endo take hold as much as it has done.  But please realise that you are not the only one affected - my bowel is now suffering, my stomach seems to be joining in the list, and they seem to think that it is moving upwards towards my lung cavity.  I know that you probably don't care, but I really do.  I can't take much more.

Perhaps there is a compromise here - I will not ask this of you again if you just hold onto any embryos that I offer you.  I think that this is a small job for you, and I promise that I will live with whatever you throw at me in the future.

Your suffering servant

Me xx

Christmas Wonderland, but back to Earth with a thud

Merry Christmas to you all!  I know that I am a little late (I like to call it fashionably making an entrance) but the thoughts are there.  I am looking forward to seeing the back of 2010, and welcoming 2011 with open arms.  I know that many people will share me in this too, though there is a few people in Twitter-verse that are ending 2010 with fantastic BFPs!!!!  I couldn't be happier for them if I tried (which I will of course!)

This Christmas has been wonderful.  DJ is just the perfect age to share the fun and joy of the whole occasion.  Yes, he did get very excited about the presents, but on Christmas Day night, as we laid in bed for our story and cuddle, he said that he has had "the best day ever because I got to see ALL my family!".  I am so pleased that he did manage to see all the people that he loves on the day.  My Mum and Dad acted as hosts to everyone - me, hubby and DJ, my littlest brother, my little brother (minus his new wife - I will explain in a bit), my little sister, my Nan and my mother- and father-in-law.  It was the Christmas I had wanted for DJ and I know that he loved every minute of sharing the day with the people that love him most and who he loves in return!

It started late - yes, I know that next year and the many after that will be earlier starts - but DJ stayed in bed until 9.10am.  This NEVER happens, but maybe Santa used a little too much sleepy dust on him the night before.  His little face when he saw the piles of presents under the tree was truly beautiful!

The rest of the day was fantastic - great food and great family.  I hope that you all had equally amazing days.

Boxing Day was spent round my in-laws, so we could share presents.  I hadn't wanted DJ to get them all on the one day.  Otherwise Boxing Day can seem a bit of an anti-climax.  DJ spent the day asking when we were going to get the boxes and what did we have to do with them.  Maybe next year I will get extra big boxes - rather than Boxing Day, we can have Boxes Day.  Hahaha, the naivety of little ones always makes me smile.

I have been thoroughly spoilt.  I know that hubby worked really hard scouring the internet for bargains to make the most of the measly budgets that we had this year.

But as with all good things, they must end.  Christmas Day was tarnished by the sadness I could see in my little brother's eyes.  He only got married in April and he is serving in the RAF.  I am exceptionally proud of him - he always knew that he wanted to fly, he worked hard to achieve his dream and now he does what he wants every day (well the days there is operational helicopters available, a grumble I'll save for days away from my blog!).  On his wedding day he looked so happy.  We all had our reservations, but as the day drew closer we all knew that if this is what he wants and what was going to make him happy, we would all share this with him.

However, first impressions are seldom wrong! My SIL (though it pains me to call her that) has decided that she only likes being married to my brother when he is away in Afghanistan or other away posting!  She has basically married my brother for the military life.  She once told me that being married to an officer in the RAF was like being a WAG, and she has finally achieved this status which leaves my brother only required for adding funds to the bank account!

I spoke to my brother today.  He has a week off after just coming home from a training exercise.  He sounds so hurt.  I am his big sister, I want to take this away from him.  I offered to call the 'Beetch' (more appropriate than SIL), but do I say?  Any tips would be welcomed!  Do I shout at her and tell her to get out of my brother's life, so he can move on and be happy?  Do I ask her to at least talk to my brother, to tell him why she suddenly can't stand being with him?  Just what do I say?  Please someone help!

I know that she has been cheating, my brother knows that she has.  He knows that marriage is something that needs forgiveness at times, patience most of the time and love all of the time.  She however, does not! :(

Well, now I have had a little tearful rant, I bid you 'Good Night' until the next time!

IVF - We're coming ready or not!!!

So yesterday, I had one last question for DJ (my gorgeous little boy) - are you excited about Christmas?  Of course the answer was a resounding YES, and then he went on to tell me what he would like for Christmas.  Now when I asked this question of him a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted drums, a flute and a piano. (he just adores music).  Did he want any toys?  No - "I have lots of toys and I don't have anywhere to put new ones Mummy".  Yes, i know, my little boy is very cute!  However, last night, cuddled up looking at the Christmas tree, he asked if he could have a brother for Christmas.  The second after was an awkward moment of silence until I tried to explain that Santa can't bring babies and that it needs a Mummy and Daddy to have enough love to make a baby.  I know that this may not be the right explanation - it isn't very inclusive, it isn't actually all that accurate, but it was the best i could do at the time!

as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time.  But the question did make me think about the next step.  Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life?  Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for?  And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.

We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision.  We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.

I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby.  I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me?  She already has a child and i only want one?  I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me.  I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet.  I know how lucky I am.  I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.

If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year.  Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.

Exams are OVER!!! :0)

I have been stuck revising -  I haven't been neglecting you. In fact, I have had lots of times I wanted to write, but just couldn't find the time.

AF finally disappeared!  At last, the first shower after her departure was fantastic.

My LO has been really poorly.  He just can't shake his infection.  He's on his 2nd lots of antibiotics, I just hope that this lot work!  Because he had a chest and ear infection he wasn't allowed to have his MRI scan on Monday.  Instead, they have rescheduled it for the 10th January.  They did try to say the 11th which would have meant we needed to cancel our appointment with the fertility clinic and February was their next available appointment! I was very relieved to see they changed it again for the day before.

Seeing the fertility clinic has become more important to me.  I saw the consultant on Tuesday, and they are not feeling very optimistic that the Zoladex injections have been any use at all.  I have had 6 months of hot flushes, mid-life spread (I have nothing to wear any more) and the hell of going through the menopause at 29/30, yet it was all for nothing.  NOTHING!!!!  I am too numb to cry, yet I have so many tears in my heart.  I can feel them, I want to share them with the world, but they are stuck somewhere.

The thing is I knew, deep down I knew that it wasn't working.  I have been having pains throughout, I have known that there was something still needing sorting.  I asked what this means for our plans for another baby, the look they gave me said more than the words.  I am still going to the fertility clinic in January, I'm still looking for someone that has some hope.  I am not sure what I'll do if they say this is a dream and nothing more.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, until then, I lie in bed at night thinking about how it would feel to have a baby in my tummy, how I would tell people I was having a baby, what they would look like, what we would call them.  I seem to like to torture myself with this, but I need to have this to get me through.  It's better than the alternative they have given me - a hysterectomy! Getting rid of everything that makes me a woman, everything that makes me ME!

Just a quick post - I'm officially OLD :0(

I'm just taking a 5 minute break from essay writing (I seem to have been doing the same thing for as long as I can remember) to share with you details of my last visit to the bathroom.  Hahaha, now before you start thinking this is going to be too much information for a Saturday morning, it is nothing like you think!

I have just found a grey hair!!!!


I know I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago, I know that this is nothing of major significance to my hubby who merely laughed and said 'wait until you have this many', but to me, it's a big deal.

The worse thing was that it was right at the front.  I daren't look further, should I?  Should I know what I am looking forward to over the coming weeks and months?  I don't dye my hair, should I start?  How do they suddenly appear?  Honestly, how could I have not seen this before?

All these questions over such a small thing.

For now, BYE!
x

So she's finally arrived...now I want her gone :0(

Warning - this may be TMI for some...especially any male readers!

After 6 months or so of no AF, then for her to arrive this morning was a relief.  However, that was until the dizziness, the pains and the heavy feeling in my legs started.  I had forgotten just how horrid this was!  And though I know that this is a good sign, one that I need to start the next stage of Project Baby #2, I wish it could be a week or two ago, or later.  I have so much to do at uni and at home that I can't afford anytime to be poorly and feel sorry for myself (which is all I actually want to do).

I have been having the tell-tale pains for a few weeks now, and each time I thought it was then.  I have had really sore boobs, and I've been feeling like I am holding back the tears all the time.  I should have known, but since having been put through the torture of the menopause for over 6 months, I seem to have lost all knowledge of who and what I am, what my body is doing and why.  What a pathetic excuse for a woman I am right now!

Well now that I have passed the nasty bits, I want to share with you some good news.  But news which I am hoping people might be able to help me with...

I have decided what to do my dissertation on next year.  I want to start soon though as I want to do it justice, because it is a topic that means a lot to me, and hopefully to you reading this - infertility!  I am always surprised by people's responses to the issue - from complete denial (usually those early in diagnosis or having not been affected themselves), anger, fear, misunderstanding, impatience, the list is endless.  I personally know that I have kept this a secret from everyone apart from my parents and my in-laws.  I am not ashamed, I am not embarrassed, but I just didn't feel strong enough for the questions, the reactions that people may have that didn't understand.  I really admire those on Twitter that share all their experiences with their friends.  I wish I could, but I have always been quite reclusive and this is just too much to share with people that I have purposely isolated myself from more and more as their number of children increases!

I love all everyone who shares my journey through this painful and emotional hell that is TTC and IF on Twitter.  I know that I wouldn't have managed with the last few months without you all.  I wish that I could have found you years before, but then I'm not sure if you were there then?

I want to understand people's reactions, both fertiles and infertiles. I want to be able to help.  I have always done this through knowledge, so this is why I am doing this!  Hopefully I won't disappoint!

Well, back to some uni work (will this ever end?)

xxx

Poorly germs - just go away!

Well, despite my best intentions, my blog has been neglected once again, but I hope you realise that this is for the right reasons - I've got uni essay deadlines having over me, I have a poorly computer but most importantly I have a very poorly little boy.

It started with a cough, but now there is sickness and no sleeping - a visit to the doctor confirmed that he has tonsillitis and a chest infection.  The poor little poppet though, because this has happened when we have the heaviest snow I've ever seen.  I know he's poorly because he hasn't asked to go out, or to go to nursery or even play with his toys.  I hate to see his pain, and I'm not sure that my washing machine can cope with the amount of washing that I am having to put through it at the moment.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the antibiotics clear it in time for his MRI scan in a couple of weeks time.  He has to have a general anaesthetic (yes, I am already loosing sleep over this) and they won't do it while he is poorly.  I desperately wanted it done a couple of weeks before Christmas so that I can then pamper him and not look like I'm spoiling him too close to Christmas itself.  Oh well, if that is how it is, then so be it...you can judge me if you like.

This week has been stressful - not just the whole uni deadline thing, but trying to get myself organised for the upcoming pre-treatment consultation in January.  I have now made an appointment in a few weeks time with the GP for all the blood tests for me and DH.  Not looking forward to them as my veins hate letting go of the red stuff, but all in the cause of Project Baby #2.

My friends 19 year old daughter had her little boy last week.  He is tiny and very cute, but I do have that feeling of 'why not me?' every time I see her post another pic on FB or I see her (she lives next door to my MIL, so there is little chance of avoidance).  I am not focusing on 2011 - it will be my year, it will be my turn. It will also be the turn of all my gorgeous Twitter TTC lovelies.

Bring on 2011!

Am I coming or going?

Well, again I have said I am going to keep up to date with my blog and monumentally FAILED!!!

Life has been pretty chaotic, mostly running around after LO, clearing up sick, worrying about him and between all of that, trying to get uni work done.  Does this ever end?

On the up side, I now have my appointment with Nurture in January.  All the pre-treatment tests and pre-treatment consultation booked...it's starting to feel so real.  I have even created an Excel spreadsheet that will plan out my treatment if it goes the same way as last time, so I can see when the 2WW is and making sure it doesn't clash with exams and stuff.  Sad?  Yes.  Helped me relax?  Most definitely.  Now I just need to find the money.  Thankfully my parents-in-law have come to the rescue.  They are so fantastic, in fact, I'm not sure how I'd cope without them every week, never mind in time of crisis like this.  I know I am lucky, and I struggle to make them realise how lucky I feel to have them in my life.  Hopefully one day they will see this and get a small idea.

On the down side, there is still no sign of AF.  I have all the pains, the hot flushes are getting less and less (oops, I shouldn't have said that because now I can feel the building of heat at the back of my neck!) but there is just nothing else!  Honestly, I have spent most of my life wishing that she wouldn't come, dreading the pain she brings with her every month.  And now, I need to know that the Zoladex hasn't ruined my life forever...please can you arrive pretty soon (well within the next 3 weeks before I see the hospital consultant for my referral for IVF/ICSI)

As a final thought, I am now official OLD - I reached the big 3-0 on Sunday.  I had a lovely day, I was showered with gifts from when I woke up and everyone made me feel like a princess.  I handled it much better than I thought.  I didn't spend the day thinking of the 'what ifs' and 'buts' of life.  I think that is why I had been so keen to get everything sorted with Nurture.  I wanted to start my 30s with the idea of being positive and being active in making my dreams possible.  I suppose that is why I spent a lot of the day doing uni work too, but that was because I have stupid deadlines for work, and I am way behind with it all.

Well, I now have to go and actually finish this assignment on whether mental illness is real or not...'Til next time - TTFN!!!

Cue the tears - oh, here they come!

Maybe now isn't the time to be writing this.  Or maybe it's the perfect time...only time will tell.

Today has been a complete rush of all emotions, and most of them are not great.  Sod trying to find the positive in everything for today.  Little one had to see the consultant at hospital today about his eyes.  I was hoping (naively, I know) that he would turn round and tell me a magic name for what was wrong.  This would obviously come with some magic solution, and then I could come home, Google it (as this is now the hypochodriacs version of the self-diagnosis book) and know what I was doing.  Instead, my baby has to have an MRI scan to make sure that there is nothing in his brain that shouldn't be there.  This is ok, except that he has to be given a general anaesthetic to make sure that he (1) stays still and (2) doesn't panic because of the noise and being claustrophobic.  Seeing my little brother before he went into theatre was tough enough, and he was 13.  Seeing my baby go through this is just going to be too much.  I know this might seem like an over-panic on my behalf, but it seems such a big thing for a little one to go through.

It's likely to be before Christmas, so at least I won't have long to wait.  We go back for the results on the 11th January, so only 6 weeks to know what the next stage is.

The 11th of January is a big day for my IF too - we have our consultation appointment that afternoon.  I'm so excited, nervous and scared all at once.  When you think about starting and expanding your family as a young woman, I don't think anyone ever thinks about it being such a soul wrenching experience.  I don't even think I ever thought it would be so planned, almost like a holiday itinerary, but without the tan and the relaxation!

I just hope that hubby start to feel better before then - he has had to go to the hospital today too.  He had to have a bone scan as he had some anomaly on his last blood test, so we have to see what that brings too.

I think the term is - it doesn't rain, it pours!  And for me, the pouring is the flood of tears that for some reason I can't stop today.  I think that the rush of uni work, the feeling that everyone is falling to pieces around me, the lack of sleep, the big 3-0 this weekend and everyone having babies just seems to have taken it's toll.  i know I will get through this, I know that it has been worse, and some people will not understand what I am stressing about, but for today I can't see the light.

Getting sorted!

Well I didn't hear from the doctor yesterday so I hope that means that my blood test came back ok, though I wish I knew why I still feel so rubbish.  I think that it's the constant uncertainty about what is going on with me, whether my future is one of being a Mummy to one - will I ever be able to know the feeling of pregnancy again?

I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university.  I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford  my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment).  I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief.  My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors!  Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR!  I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this.  However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.

I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience.  I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different.  Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to.  Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at...  This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason.  Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop.  I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.

I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me.  But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY!  I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.

I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x

I just need sleep!

Today has been one of those days - I'm not entirely sure what to think of it all to be honest.  I'm just tired...exhausted is probably the better word.  Not sleeping for the last 6/7 months is now taking it's toll. I can't remember a time when I didn't have these massive suitcases under my eyes that make it look like I've just 10 rounds with some heavy-weight boxer!

I saw my GP today and almost begged him to make me better. To give me something to help me sleep, to give me some energy back, to do something. All he could do was give me a blood test and told me to wait for my consultant's appointment in December. 5 weeks today cannot come soon enough - I have so many questions...I suppose right now all I want is to know whether the torture of going through the menopause during a hot Summer has been worth it.  I know deep down it hasn't worked - I have all the signs that the endo is still there, and all I want to do is sit and cry - why? I've let them do anything they wanted to me to get rid of it, I've tried to be a good person, so why does it have to be me?

The GP has suggested that I get a move on with starting our next IVF cycle, I just can't get the money yet. And, I have to think about uni. How can I give up something that has put the whole family under financial strain, something that will give me the chance to have a career that can support my family in return. If anyone has the answer, please share. When I see a girl at uni pregnant, the rush of jealousy and pain is overwhelming.

Well, until Thursday when I find out whether the doctor has some magic cure for helping get through this lack of sleep, I suppose I will have to carry on as I am.

I have realised how much I am grateful for all the people on Twitter - they are strong, inspirational and loving - to a complete stranger.  I know that I've not been at my best the last few months, yet they have offered me hope and support just when I've needed it. I just hope that I can give something in return! I promise that I'm normally a bright and cheerful person, but these stupid hormones have changed me into a mardy monster! Thanks to you all x

Finding something to smile about...

I'm not entirely sure where to start - it's been a long time since I wrote anything.  That's been for a number of reasons:

• Time - being back at uni, trying to do homework, look after little one (who has been really poorly), getting over the flu myself and just trying to look after the house seems to be more than I can physically do right now.

• Not sure what to say - I live in fear that this blog becomes nothing more than a moaning place rather than just a diary of my journey.  There is so much pain and frustration that I so not know where to go or what to do.  I know that there are so many on similar paths and I live in fear of causing offense if I blogged when blue!

There are more, but I think that you get the idea.

Right now I am living with such a lot of uncertainty.  Since finishing my course of Zoladex, I am still having the hot flushes, but I am now having period cramps.  Just when I thought I couldn't take much more, my body decides that it hates me on a deeper level than before!  In fact at this moment I feel that there is some conspiracy against me - there are babies being born around me all the time, people are constantly placing more demands on me, my little boy is poorly with some unknown condition and the doctors don't speak in a language I understand and I'm so far behind in my uni work I am starting to panic that I have failed before I've even begun!  

Tomorrow I am seeing my GP - I doubt he has answers but I am hoping that he has some words of wisdom.

For now, to get me through I dream about finding out I am pregnant, how I will tell people and how they will react.  I only have this to cling to at the moment, and I can't give it up yet.  Please don't get me wrong - I fully appreciate the gift I have being a Mummy to the most adorable little boy in the world.  In some ways I wish I was like those Mums that moan about their children all the time - perhaps then the pain of not having another would be easier?

To try and tell convince myself that life is good, I will list my top days ever!

1. 30th May 2007 - the day I became a Mummy.  The day my life was complete.  It wasn't without tears and fears, but I can definitely say my life has been better from that day forward.
2. 20th September 2003 - the day I went from being a single woman to sharing my life with the most loving and caring man you could ever meet.
3. 7th June 2001 - the day I realised I was loved and worth something.  My gorgeous man asked me to be his wife, an honour I am proud to carry every day.
4. 19th October 2006 - the day we realised that actually having a baby may be a reality for us.  Seeing the little flicker of a heartbeat on the scan was the most amazing thing!  Who thought you could feel such love for a baked bean?
5. 31st December 1999 - after spending 3 years in hospitals, I was finally discharged to go home to a family that had stood by me through everything.  It was by no means the end of the journey, but it was the first day of being a 'normal'.

I know that there are more days I could list, but to be honest, I think that having had these 5 days in my nearly 30 years is pretty awesome!

Maybe this will help you think of your best days - those days that remind you why you carry on, the ones that give you hope that you are going to achieve whatever it is you are searching for...

Just a day...

Well, as Saturdays go, yesterday was hugely uneventful.  In fact most of my days are that way at the moment.  I did manage to get loads of things on eBay and hopefully will get more on there later today, but apart from that and a quick dash out to the shops for something to eat we basically did nothing all day.

I am so hormonal at the moment...the hot flushes are unbearable, I'm shouting all the time for no reason and just can't sleep.  When will this stop?

Another 2 weeks before I see my GP for my last Zoladex injection (Yay!!!!!) and I will attempt to get some answers as to how long after this I should expect to suffer (to be fair, everyone at home is suffering with me too)

Well, that was my day.  Had a lovely chat with Mum and sister on the phone last night.  Little one continues to be the biggest chatterbox in the world, and I suppose it looks like I have the perfect life!

Decluttering and starting a new year at uni with a clear head!

Well, one room down and what seems like a dozen more to go.  I have started the listing of items on eBay this morning and just hope that I can get rid of them.  I'm not even that worried about how much they go for in the end - though i will admit that the money would be really helpful right now.  I have to see this as my Summer job, especially as hubby has spent the Summer buying "bargains" for me to sell!

I've taken a break today a bit to tackle the massive washing pile!  Typically though, as the washing machine finishes, the rain clouds come over.  Now I have to look like I'm living in a humid laundrette to get everything dry!

Oh well!  Watching 'How clean is your house?' which is making me feel better for the mess in my own home!

Don't be angry Mummy, they are driving perfect fast!

Hahaha, sometimes, just out of nowhere, something happens that makes all the sadness disappear and a massive smile appear in its place.  I know that I am...erm...an aggressive driver, but on the way to nursery, just driving along wondering what the day would have for me, my little boy decides to tell me:  "Mummy, don't be angry with that car, they are driving at the perfect speed.  You don't need to shout at them".

Well, that's it, my 3 year old has decided to start telling me what to do and telling me off if I do wrong.  Hahaha, I love him sooo much, all I could do was laugh and agree with him!

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare - I've decided to get rid of loads of stuff to make way for the deluge of Christmas presents that are only 105 days away.  Car boot and eBay here I come, but in the process I had to face the difficult decision of whether to keep all my baby things.  I know they take so much space, but in getting rid of them, I would be getting rid of all hope that there will ever be another baby in the house.  Hubby was fab about the whole thing, and through my watery eyes I could see his pain too.  We decided to keep everything.  As we said, we're giving the doctors 12 months to sort my body out before we just give up on being pregnant again, but then there is always the option to adopt.  I will be a Mummy again, and nothing will stop me.

I've decided to face this year head on.  I have uni to deal with and actually have to decide what the hell I am going to do with my life.  Bah, I'm nearly 30 and I feel like a teenager without any direction in life!  Oh well, I'm sure it'll appear to me one day, I just hope that it's sooner rather than later.

I seem to have bored you all long enough for now.  I'm going to try and achieve a daily blog until I know what I'm doing.  This is my personal therapy, so I hope that for anyone reading this, you can smile with me, laugh maybe, or just understand that we all have bad days once in a while.

xxxxx

Feeling hot, hot, hot...

Well another morning and another bad nights sleep.  The hot flushes are getting unbearable and though I've had to suffer them through the heat of the Summer for the last 4 1/2 months, knowing that I have another 6+ weeks left is just too much to cope with right now.

For some reason I have been in the worst mood with my hubby.  I just feel this anger, but for no reason, so I can't even shout and scream to let it out.  I know that this is the Zoladex, but it doesn't make it better.  Having a doctor that has no idea how to help is little help to me.  Suggesting HRT is one thing, but I desperately need these injections to work.  I need to somehow make the endometriosis ease up a bit, and why would I take something that stops the Zoladex doing what it's supposed to do?  And if I have another man or young woman tell me they understand what this feels like one more time, I may be in prison for battering them over the head with a blunt instrument!

The only thing that is getting me through the long hot night (well other than a massive fan blasting on me!) is the dreaming of beng able to go to the clinic again, start treatment, finding out I'm pregnant and telling everyone, finding a heartbeat at that first scan, thinking of baby names...  God I sound obsessed, and I think I am.  It may help when I go back to uni in a few weeks time.  Maybe?

I know I have just got to get through the next 10 months at uni and then we can go to the clinic and start the ball rolling to try for baby number 2.  I've never dreamed that the treatment won't work...is this positive optimism, or blind naivity?  Right now, I don't care and I can't afford to think otherwise.

Well, time to plow on with my new day.  I've got my little boy sat with me, and I can't imagine how I'd cope without him.  He really is my everything.  I have blocked out the pain, the fails and the stress when trying to conceive with him.  I think I need to, to cope with this right now.  My daydreams are all I have, please don't take them away from me.

Hello there!

Hi there!

This is me...I'm not really sure where to start.  Suppose everyone starts this way (?)

I want to say my life is perfect, but there is this big thing inside me which stops me being able to say that.  I know this sounds so ungrateful - I have a beautiful son, a doting husband and I'm studying at uni for a career that I have dreamed about for years, but the last 18 months has been excruciatingly painful, and unfortunately it doesn't seem that it is going to get any easier for a while yet.

I've had to sit and smile when 15 of my friends have announced pregnancy and the subsequent birth of their little ones, and all the time hiding my own grief and pain.

Admitting this makes me feel very guilty - I know that I have one baby and thousands of others don't have that.  If you read this, please don't hate me.

Well, that's me...