Well, again I have said I am going to keep up to date with my blog and monumentally FAILED!!!
Life has been pretty chaotic, mostly running around after LO, clearing up sick, worrying about him and between all of that, trying to get uni work done. Does this ever end?
On the up side, I now have my appointment with Nurture in January. All the pre-treatment tests and pre-treatment consultation booked...it's starting to feel so real. I have even created an Excel spreadsheet that will plan out my treatment if it goes the same way as last time, so I can see when the 2WW is and making sure it doesn't clash with exams and stuff. Sad? Yes. Helped me relax? Most definitely. Now I just need to find the money. Thankfully my parents-in-law have come to the rescue. They are so fantastic, in fact, I'm not sure how I'd cope without them every week, never mind in time of crisis like this. I know I am lucky, and I struggle to make them realise how lucky I feel to have them in my life. Hopefully one day they will see this and get a small idea.
On the down side, there is still no sign of AF. I have all the pains, the hot flushes are getting less and less (oops, I shouldn't have said that because now I can feel the building of heat at the back of my neck!) but there is just nothing else! Honestly, I have spent most of my life wishing that she wouldn't come, dreading the pain she brings with her every month. And now, I need to know that the Zoladex hasn't ruined my life forever...please can you arrive pretty soon (well within the next 3 weeks before I see the hospital consultant for my referral for IVF/ICSI)
As a final thought, I am now official OLD - I reached the big 3-0 on Sunday. I had a lovely day, I was showered with gifts from when I woke up and everyone made me feel like a princess. I handled it much better than I thought. I didn't spend the day thinking of the 'what ifs' and 'buts' of life. I think that is why I had been so keen to get everything sorted with Nurture. I wanted to start my 30s with the idea of being positive and being active in making my dreams possible. I suppose that is why I spent a lot of the day doing uni work too, but that was because I have stupid deadlines for work, and I am way behind with it all.
Well, I now have to go and actually finish this assignment on whether mental illness is real or not...'Til next time - TTFN!!!
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Tuesday 16 November 2010
Cue the tears - oh, here they come!
Maybe now isn't the time to be writing this. Or maybe it's the perfect time...only time will tell.
Today has been a complete rush of all emotions, and most of them are not great. Sod trying to find the positive in everything for today. Little one had to see the consultant at hospital today about his eyes. I was hoping (naively, I know) that he would turn round and tell me a magic name for what was wrong. This would obviously come with some magic solution, and then I could come home, Google it (as this is now the hypochodriacs version of the self-diagnosis book) and know what I was doing. Instead, my baby has to have an MRI scan to make sure that there is nothing in his brain that shouldn't be there. This is ok, except that he has to be given a general anaesthetic to make sure that he (1) stays still and (2) doesn't panic because of the noise and being claustrophobic. Seeing my little brother before he went into theatre was tough enough, and he was 13. Seeing my baby go through this is just going to be too much. I know this might seem like an over-panic on my behalf, but it seems such a big thing for a little one to go through.
It's likely to be before Christmas, so at least I won't have long to wait. We go back for the results on the 11th January, so only 6 weeks to know what the next stage is.
The 11th of January is a big day for my IF too - we have our consultation appointment that afternoon. I'm so excited, nervous and scared all at once. When you think about starting and expanding your family as a young woman, I don't think anyone ever thinks about it being such a soul wrenching experience. I don't even think I ever thought it would be so planned, almost like a holiday itinerary, but without the tan and the relaxation!
I just hope that hubby start to feel better before then - he has had to go to the hospital today too. He had to have a bone scan as he had some anomaly on his last blood test, so we have to see what that brings too.
I think the term is - it doesn't rain, it pours! And for me, the pouring is the flood of tears that for some reason I can't stop today. I think that the rush of uni work, the feeling that everyone is falling to pieces around me, the lack of sleep, the big 3-0 this weekend and everyone having babies just seems to have taken it's toll. i know I will get through this, I know that it has been worse, and some people will not understand what I am stressing about, but for today I can't see the light.
Today has been a complete rush of all emotions, and most of them are not great. Sod trying to find the positive in everything for today. Little one had to see the consultant at hospital today about his eyes. I was hoping (naively, I know) that he would turn round and tell me a magic name for what was wrong. This would obviously come with some magic solution, and then I could come home, Google it (as this is now the hypochodriacs version of the self-diagnosis book) and know what I was doing. Instead, my baby has to have an MRI scan to make sure that there is nothing in his brain that shouldn't be there. This is ok, except that he has to be given a general anaesthetic to make sure that he (1) stays still and (2) doesn't panic because of the noise and being claustrophobic. Seeing my little brother before he went into theatre was tough enough, and he was 13. Seeing my baby go through this is just going to be too much. I know this might seem like an over-panic on my behalf, but it seems such a big thing for a little one to go through.
It's likely to be before Christmas, so at least I won't have long to wait. We go back for the results on the 11th January, so only 6 weeks to know what the next stage is.
The 11th of January is a big day for my IF too - we have our consultation appointment that afternoon. I'm so excited, nervous and scared all at once. When you think about starting and expanding your family as a young woman, I don't think anyone ever thinks about it being such a soul wrenching experience. I don't even think I ever thought it would be so planned, almost like a holiday itinerary, but without the tan and the relaxation!
I just hope that hubby start to feel better before then - he has had to go to the hospital today too. He had to have a bone scan as he had some anomaly on his last blood test, so we have to see what that brings too.
I think the term is - it doesn't rain, it pours! And for me, the pouring is the flood of tears that for some reason I can't stop today. I think that the rush of uni work, the feeling that everyone is falling to pieces around me, the lack of sleep, the big 3-0 this weekend and everyone having babies just seems to have taken it's toll. i know I will get through this, I know that it has been worse, and some people will not understand what I am stressing about, but for today I can't see the light.
Saturday 13 November 2010
Getting sorted!
Well I didn't hear from the doctor yesterday so I hope that means that my blood test came back ok, though I wish I knew why I still feel so rubbish. I think that it's the constant uncertainty about what is going on with me, whether my future is one of being a Mummy to one - will I ever be able to know the feeling of pregnancy again?
I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university. I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment). I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief. My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors! Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR! I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this. However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.
I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience. I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different. Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to. Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at... This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason. Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop. I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.
I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me. But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY! I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.
I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x
I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university. I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment). I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief. My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors! Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR! I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this. However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.
I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience. I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different. Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to. Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at... This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason. Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop. I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.
I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me. But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY! I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.
I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x
Tuesday 9 November 2010
I just need sleep!
Today has been one of those days - I'm not entirely sure what to think of it all to be honest. I'm just tired...exhausted is probably the better word. Not sleeping for the last 6/7 months is now taking it's toll. I can't remember a time when I didn't have these massive suitcases under my eyes that make it look like I've just 10 rounds with some heavy-weight boxer!
I saw my GP today and almost begged him to make me better. To give me something to help me sleep, to give me some energy back, to do something. All he could do was give me a blood test and told me to wait for my consultant's appointment in December. 5 weeks today cannot come soon enough - I have so many questions...I suppose right now all I want is to know whether the torture of going through the menopause during a hot Summer has been worth it. I know deep down it hasn't worked - I have all the signs that the endo is still there, and all I want to do is sit and cry - why? I've let them do anything they wanted to me to get rid of it, I've tried to be a good person, so why does it have to be me?
The GP has suggested that I get a move on with starting our next IVF cycle, I just can't get the money yet. And, I have to think about uni. How can I give up something that has put the whole family under financial strain, something that will give me the chance to have a career that can support my family in return. If anyone has the answer, please share. When I see a girl at uni pregnant, the rush of jealousy and pain is overwhelming.
Well, until Thursday when I find out whether the doctor has some magic cure for helping get through this lack of sleep, I suppose I will have to carry on as I am.
I have realised how much I am grateful for all the people on Twitter - they are strong, inspirational and loving - to a complete stranger. I know that I've not been at my best the last few months, yet they have offered me hope and support just when I've needed it. I just hope that I can give something in return! I promise that I'm normally a bright and cheerful person, but these stupid hormones have changed me into a mardy monster! Thanks to you all x
I saw my GP today and almost begged him to make me better. To give me something to help me sleep, to give me some energy back, to do something. All he could do was give me a blood test and told me to wait for my consultant's appointment in December. 5 weeks today cannot come soon enough - I have so many questions...I suppose right now all I want is to know whether the torture of going through the menopause during a hot Summer has been worth it. I know deep down it hasn't worked - I have all the signs that the endo is still there, and all I want to do is sit and cry - why? I've let them do anything they wanted to me to get rid of it, I've tried to be a good person, so why does it have to be me?
The GP has suggested that I get a move on with starting our next IVF cycle, I just can't get the money yet. And, I have to think about uni. How can I give up something that has put the whole family under financial strain, something that will give me the chance to have a career that can support my family in return. If anyone has the answer, please share. When I see a girl at uni pregnant, the rush of jealousy and pain is overwhelming.
Well, until Thursday when I find out whether the doctor has some magic cure for helping get through this lack of sleep, I suppose I will have to carry on as I am.
I have realised how much I am grateful for all the people on Twitter - they are strong, inspirational and loving - to a complete stranger. I know that I've not been at my best the last few months, yet they have offered me hope and support just when I've needed it. I just hope that I can give something in return! I promise that I'm normally a bright and cheerful person, but these stupid hormones have changed me into a mardy monster! Thanks to you all x
Monday 8 November 2010
Finding something to smile about...
I'm not entirely sure where to start - it's been a long time since I wrote anything. That's been for a number of reasons:
- Time - being back at uni, trying to do homework, look after little one (who has been really poorly), getting over the flu myself and just trying to look after the house seems to be more than I can physically do right now.
- Not sure what to say - I live in fear that this blog becomes nothing more than a moaning place rather than just a diary of my journey. There is so much pain and frustration that I so not know where to go or what to do. I know that there are so many on similar paths and I live in fear of causing offense if I blogged when blue!
There are more, but I think that you get the idea.
Right now I am living with such a lot of uncertainty. Since finishing my course of Zoladex, I am still having the hot flushes, but I am now having period cramps. Just when I thought I couldn't take much more, my body decides that it hates me on a deeper level than before! In fact at this moment I feel that there is some conspiracy against me - there are babies being born around me all the time, people are constantly placing more demands on me, my little boy is poorly with some unknown condition and the doctors don't speak in a language I understand and I'm so far behind in my uni work I am starting to panic that I have failed before I've even begun!
Tomorrow I am seeing my GP - I doubt he has answers but I am hoping that he has some words of wisdom.
For now, to get me through I dream about finding out I am pregnant, how I will tell people and how they will react. I only have this to cling to at the moment, and I can't give it up yet. Please don't get me wrong - I fully appreciate the gift I have being a Mummy to the most adorable little boy in the world. In some ways I wish I was like those Mums that moan about their children all the time - perhaps then the pain of not having another would be easier?
To try and tell convince myself that life is good, I will list my top days ever!
- 30th May 2007 - the day I became a Mummy. The day my life was complete. It wasn't without tears and fears, but I can definitely say my life has been better from that day forward.
- 20th September 2003 - the day I went from being a single woman to sharing my life with the most loving and caring man you could ever meet.
- 7th June 2001 - the day I realised I was loved and worth something. My gorgeous man asked me to be his wife, an honour I am proud to carry every day.
- 19th October 2006 - the day we realised that actually having a baby may be a reality for us. Seeing the little flicker of a heartbeat on the scan was the most amazing thing! Who thought you could feel such love for a baked bean?
- 31st December 1999 - after spending 3 years in hospitals, I was finally discharged to go home to a family that had stood by me through everything. It was by no means the end of the journey, but it was the first day of being a 'normal'.
I know that there are more days I could list, but to be honest, I think that having had these 5 days in my nearly 30 years is pretty awesome!
Maybe this will help you think of your best days - those days that remind you why you carry on, the ones that give you hope that you are going to achieve whatever it is you are searching for...
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