Can I be honest?

At this moment in time, I'm exhausted.  I haven't slept properly for too long.  The moment I lie my head down on the pillow, my brain goes into over drive.

I am a list person and many years ago, I have a psychologist tell me that I should use this obsession to write down everything that I am thinking about and then rank them into a realistic to-do list.  So here I go, in no particular order:

• I'm behind with my uni work - I have assignments and exams coming up, I have missed a few lectures because of being such wuss after my laparoscopy, I'm running out of time and I'm not sure how to make it up
• I'm obsessed with every feeling, cramp, ache and pain in my tummy - has the laparoscopy done enough to relieve some of the endo pain? Will I get AF on time? Why am I still getting pains after 2 weeks? Is the cyst, still claiming squatters rights on my right ovary going to be a problem when I start IVF?
• The house is a tip!  Hubby has been trying to deal with some of the jobs but there are so many still not done.  When the hell am I supposed to fit that into my day?
• What if AF is late?  I am on such a tight time frame around exams and uni work that I really need AF to show up on time and not mess me about
• What does it mean now I know I have a low egg reserve?  Yes, I know it means more drugs and therefore more money (which is another side issue) but what if I don't get eggs on this cycle?  What if I never get enough eggs?

And this leads me to share the biggest problem that I have right now - I'M SCARED!  I know that there is the normal nerves etc about starting a treatment cycle, but I'm so petrified that this is not going to work for me.  What if this doesn't work for me?  What if I am pushing myself into this cycle?  I've waited so long to get to this stage yet I can't explain this intense fear.

I know that they say that unless you take risks you will never achieve anything, but taking the leap is tough.

I am so overwhelmed with the world at the moment.  This feeling is pretty new to me - I constantly strive to be in control.  I berate myself when things don't go to plan, and scrutinise them to make sure it never happens again.  But this is not the me at the moment.  Even running out of milk reduces me to tears.

How am I supposed to get through the next few months?  Someone wake me when it's over please

xx

It seems age isn't on my side :(

As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently had my AMH test to measure my egg reserve.  For some reason I wasn't particularly worried about this.  After all I had just had surgery and they didn't see anything that overly serious, and I'm only 30!  Maybe I have fallen foul of everyone around me reminding me that I have age on my side.  It wasn't like I had left trying for a baby until after my career...

Well, it seems that my body had an Ace up its sleeve!  Guess what?  I don't have many eggs left, my eggs are ageing faster than me.

I knew the news wasn't great when I called the clinic and they said that I needed to speak to the nurse and she would call me back.  Then when she did, she went all round the houses explaining what the test did, how the levels were grouped etc and then she hit me with "...and you have low fertility".  I felt the burning in my chest and my eyes.  I waited for her to tell me that it was ok, that it was just below 'normal', but she didn't.  She explained that I was in the lower half of the low band.  So that the frick does that mean?

IVF is still going ahead, but our bill has gone up as I will need higher doses of stim meds.  And it is only now I realise just how much these drugs cost.  Would it be cheaper to get a crack habit?

To make matters worse, my tummy is still really sore.  The swelling is going down, but it is still really tender.  I ventured out in the car earlier to take DJ to nursery and I've been really uncomfortable all day since.  I have to get through it because I have to get back to uni on Monday and that is an hours drive each way and sitting through hours of lectures.

I'm staying hopeful...  What option do I have?  I can feel the hormones kicking in.  AF will be here in about a week.  So I warn you, there may be tears for a while.  BUT, as soon as AF has arrived, I'm becoming super focused on this cycle.  SO take that IF!

Post-op Day 4 - out come the bruises and a surprise call

After thinking I was feeling better yesterday, I had a rubbish night’s sleep and I have a really sore tummy today.  I may have been a bit premature trying to come off all the meds yesterday, and with the bruising come through on the outside, I guess that it is doing the same on the inside too.

As much as I sound like a baby, this is sore.  I know that it actually hurts less than when AF paid me her last visit, but I am being a girly about this.  I keep going thinking about the bigger picture now – I can feel the next step.  In fact, it has become more of a reality this afternoon.  I called the clinic this morning to ask them about what do I need to do to get onto a treatment cycle after my next period... Of course, I rang at lunch so they were all busy.  I was expecting a call back tomorrow, but then I’ve just had a surprise call from a nurse – can I go in tomorrow for my AMH test?

Oh my GOD!!! This is starting to feel more real.  I have waited for so long, that I was unsure whether this would ever arrive.  This test will mean that I am on the books for the next cycle block – one more period, and then hopefully I will be starting down reg.

Now I have suddenly become filled with nerves and fears.  The ‘what ifs’ that fill every IVFers life.  I am scared.  I hate myself for admitting this.  I am staying confident (as best as I can).  I am staying focused.  BUT I am so frickin’ scared.  What if this doesn’t work?  Our money tree is really bare.  This is our one and only chance – unless of course the lottery plans to show us a win.  I need to stop thinking about this for now.  I need to concentrate on some uni work.  I need to concentrate on getting stronger for tomorrow so that I can get this test done.  I need to remember that this is just one pre-treatment test.  I can take a break before we start the cycle if I don’t think that I can do it.

How stupid must I sound?  Within the matter of a page, I have gone through a full spectrum of emotions – maybe I need to get some sleep.