I need to apologise for being on such a downer recently. I'm aware of how depressing my blog has become. This post is somewhat of an explanation...apology...confession.
I have changed. I've become someone I don't like.
I've always prided myself in being someone who can put others first. Someone who can recognise pain in others and offer a moment to hold them, send them a gentle message or just be there for them. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, despite numerous times of it being crushed by careless and thoughtless people. This is who I am. I realise I sound like I'm trying to big myself up, but I'm not. I'm just made this way.
But since my miscarriage, I've changed.
I can barely leave the house in case I see someone I know. In case there is a pregnant bump (which of course there always is). I can't face logging onto Facebook in case there is another pregnancy announcement, another scan picture, another one of those automated pregnancy progress things. I have even struggled to log onto one of my greatest support networks Twitter.
I'm so sorry for this. I am so angry with myself. Yet seeing the start of another cycle, another beta day or another milestone along a pregnancy just breaks my heart.
Let me be clear - I NEVER begrudge those starting a cycle or celebrating their good news. I would never ask them to stop. They deserve this more than anyone I know. I truly mean this. I know this, yet there is this horrible part of me that cannot stop feeling jealous.
I know I will not get to cycle again. I know that my chance has been and gone. I know that my chance was stolen from me. And I think that this is the stem of my pain.
I have no-one to blame except myself. I lay every night thinking about all the things I did on the days leading up to the day I started bleeding. There was that the 15 minutes I was stood up at DJs nursery. There was the time I held my friends baby boy and he wanted to stand on my legs. There was the time I went shopping even though I felt poorly. Perhaps it was the way I sat, slept, walked.
The not knowing is torturing me. It's changed who I am.
Will I ever learn to cope with this pain and guilt? Will I learn to love again? Will I learn to celebrate?
For now, I hope you can forgive me. If you can't, please don't tell me. I can't cope with more guilt right now.
On my part, I promise I will find myself in time. I want to share your joy when I can. I want to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
xxxx
Firstly, big hugs
ReplyDeleteSecondly stop giving yourself such a hard time. You are grieving. You are bound to be feeling the way you are & I'm sure no one will think any less of you.
I am sorry you are struggling but I am pretty sure your miscarriage was nothing 'you did'.
Give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, feel jealous, angry or however you feel. Honour your feelings. Once you've allowed yourself to feel these feelings, look around & try & focus on what you do have in this life to celebrate. The love of a good man & your son.
This make take some time but you'll get there.
Know that we'll support you throughout, whether you're logging on the twitter or not you will still be in our thoughts.
Be kind to yourself xx
I've lost 3 pregnancies. Though I can't imagine the pain of working so hard to achieve one and then losing the baby, I can tell you that it gets easier. And that the worst thing you can possibly do is blame yourself. I spent months beating myself up over my losses, but at the end of the day, they were never my fault. There was truly nothing I could do to make them not happen. I hope that you take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. It will get easier with time. Just remember that you deserve to be taken care of, and don't be afraid to reach out for help and support.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's hard not to feel guilty but don't beat yourself up. You did nothing to harm a baby who was so wanted. *hugs*
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