I think I need some help - REAL help!

Well, I'm now counting down to the consultation with Nurture next Tuesday - 5 days to go!!!!!  I'm getting nervous, I know DH is too.  He has been so sweet.  I know he is finding this tough - we both are.  He seems to feel that he has to be strong in case IVF doesn't work for both me and DJ.  I have tried to explain that I don't expect him to be strong for me, but I know deep down that if the cycle doesn't work then I will be a mess.  I can't think about a negative result - I just can't!  Please don't judge me for this.  I know that you might think that I am setting myself up for a big disappointment, for having my heart ripped out, but this is how I am coping with it all.

But I'll admit, I have become a teeny-weeny bit... (pardon?)
Ok, little bit... (keep going)
Err, massively... (?)
OK, OK, don't look at me like that - I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED!!!!

I have analysed calendars, what the dates would be for down reg, stims, ER, ET and POAS, even the first scan!  I have looked when baby would be due...  I have compared this to my uni timetable, I have tried to figure out when AF will arrive next.  My cycle is all over the place after the Zoladex, but I am still on this path of planning the unknown.

Having just written this down, I realise just how much I might be in need of some proper help to cope with the coming months.  I'm an organiser - I like order, certainty and a 'plan'.  DH knows that this is how I cope, but when I have written here for the world to see (OK, I know the world at large is not that interested in me, but you know what I mean!), it seems a little OTT.  I think after next week I will feel a little more certain.

But, what if they say I need to have a laparoscopy?  What if they say something is wrong?  Oh my... I don't think I'm coping with this very well right now.

What have I done to deserve the hate of my uterus and ovaries?

Dear Womanly Organs of Mine, 

You have caused me YEARS of pain, please could you kindly tell me how I can make this stop?  I have tried everything - I have been put through the menopause TWICE (and had to put up with all that this involves - WARNING LADIES, it is not pretty; hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and weight gain), I have had a couple of laparoscopies, I have taken all concoctions of pain relief and anti-inflammatories (admittedly, some of these were not so bad) - but yet you insist on causing me nothing but discomfort at best, but mostly agonising pain. 

Doctors told me that the last stretch of the Zoladex (the lovely drug stabbed into my tummy to induce the menopause) would allow you to sleep for 6/7 months.  You are supposed to wake up feeling energised, new and PAIN FREE!  What happened?  Why haven't you done this?

Since finishing the Zoladex I have tried to ignore your niggling rumblings of what I know is there.  I know that you are covered in endometrial tissue, and I know that you aren't supposed to be.  But I have tried to help you.  I promise, this journey has been harder on me than it has on you.

I know that the pain is probably out of your control, but I would really appreciate a couple of days off.  A day where I could love my husband without tears of pain and sadness, a day where I can enjoy wrestling with my little boy without knowing that I am going to have to stop before I pass out... Please, just one day!

I am asking a lot of you - I understand that you have to make me suffer a little bit, I guess I must have done something that made the endo take hold as much as it has done.  But please realise that you are not the only one affected - my bowel is now suffering, my stomach seems to be joining in the list, and they seem to think that it is moving upwards towards my lung cavity.  I know that you probably don't care, but I really do.  I can't take much more.

Perhaps there is a compromise here - I will not ask this of you again if you just hold onto any embryos that I offer you.  I think that this is a small job for you, and I promise that I will live with whatever you throw at me in the future.

Your suffering servant

Me xx