First off I just want to ask that you don't judge me too much for this post.
As I have mentioned before, hubby has a degenerative bone condition which means that he suffers a lot of pain in his lower back and hips. From time to time this pain reaches a point where he cannot get out of bed - sometimes for a day, sometimes a few days, sometimes weeks at a time.
I know that this is tough for him, but sometimes I think people forget how hard it is for DJ and me. We are the ones that are left to care for him, and still live the normal life of being a family.
Recently, there has been more and more occasions of hubby being in bed than being with us as a family. This usually happens once or twice a year, when he is bed for at least a week, but it has been more like 4 or 5 this year so far.
And here is my confession - each time I am feeling more and more angry. I'm not angry with S as such; I'm angry that I am feeling more alone with each passing time. Alone and isolated. But I take it out on him. I hate myself for saying this, but I feel so much anger towards S it becomes painful.
DJ is amazing with his Daddy when he is poorly. He tries to understand (as well as any 4 year old can) how much his Daddy hurts and needs to rest to get better. But I hate this for him.
I really admire those people that care full-time for a loved one. I desperately wish I had more patience and tolerance for the pressure and strain disability places on me. I think that the unknown is what causes me to not cope with it when it does happen... I never know from one day to the next when and for how long it will be like this.
All I do know is that this is likely to become more and more frequent as time passes. Selfishly this makes me furious - doctors can cure so many diseases, yet this is beyond their remit. Instead, they drug him and hope that he can manage the pain.
I hate me for this. I have to learn to cope, but how?
Nobody can judge you until they have spent time in your shoes. I can be very difficult coping with everything going on, I would suggest you contact your local surgery or when you are next at the hospital and enquire about a carers support group. Not only can the provide a support with evryday things but aslo many will hold days out etc that you can go and let off steam
ReplyDelete@littleboo_21
http://boorootiggertoo.blogspot.com/
This doesn't make you selfish at all. You sound like an absolutely normal caretaker and I thank you for being so honest wit your experience. The last thing you need on top of everything you're going through is judgment from yourself. You have every right to feel this way. Caring for someone, especially your spouse, especially far earlier than you would have expected in your married life is indescribably hard. If you didn't feel this way I would be worried that you're losing yourself in your husband's condition - something that is far worse than feeling the normal feelings of grief toward a situation that is so ridiculously unfair for everyone involved. *big hugs* to you and I really hope things get easier for all of you even if it's for a little while. You really deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you both for your beautiful comments. It means such a lot to me to know that there are people out there that aren't judgemental. It seems that IRL 'friends' just can't care or think I am being unsupportive of my hubby.
ReplyDeleteI just want thank you from the bottom of my heart.
xxx