Feeling betrayed

Last week I really kicked myself into action.  I rearranged furniture, I cleaned, I revised... I smiled!

I could see the start of the broken jigsaw of my life and heart starting to fit back together.

That was until yesterday - my sister is pregnant.

She's only 18; she wasn't wanting a baby; she is in a rocky relationship; and yet, here she is, in the exact position I want myself to be in.

There are details of this story that makes it even harder, but despite the amount of pain she has and is causing me, I still love my sister dearly and do not wish to divulge these.  But suffice to say, this is the worst thing she could do to me.

I know that she didn't go out to get pregnant on purpose.  Well, actually I'm not so sure, but that's another tale for another day.  But I feel an immense amount of betrayal.

I'm not sure how far along she is...I'm guessing about 6 weeks.

All I can think about is that I should be 11 weeks... I should be able to celebrate MY pregnancy.  I WANTED my babies.

Is it wrong to not want to see her?

Oh, and to ice this cake - endo pains have been crippling, and AF is here this morning.

Anything else to throw at me universe?

Thankful Thursday

I know I have missed a couple of weeks of Thankful Thursdays.  There have been a number of reasons, but mostly I just needed to try and find myself again after the last month.

We went to the dentist last week, and it made me realise that there are a couple of things that infertility has given me for the positive:

1. I don't have to take contraception.  I am rubbish at taking pills at the same time every day (I had to set an alarm on my mobile when taking my IVF drugs).  And having a latex allergy, barrier methods are just too expensive.  Obviously, trying to conceive makes this point mute, but for the future, here's a thanks to infertility.
2. I can always answer with a definite answer when asked if I am pregnant.  At the dentist, I had to have an X-ray.  With this comes the inevitable question: 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant?'.  In the past, when we first started to TTC, I remember being asked this and not knowing quite what to say (this was when I had hope that a baby would be easily conceived in the old traditional way).  I remember feeling uncertain about what to say 'Well, erm, we are trying, and my period is due this week, so erm...'  Now, there is always the certainty of 'Yes' or 'No'.

Has infertility given you anything positive?

Endo Wars: Endo Strikes Back

I am aware that after my last post, this might seem to be reverting to the doom and gloom of previous posts.  But I need to get this down, so apologies for that.

When I went for 'that' scan the sonographer found a small endometrium.  Now in the midst of all the other news we heard that day, this seemed to have gone in but been stored somewhere out of reach.  That was until this week.

On Wednesday afternoon, I felt that familiar but unwelcome dull ache.  Not unbearable, not debilitating, but definitely there.  The feeling of being burned from the inside.

I only stopped bleeding last week (after 2 weeks), so this hit me hard.  I'm not sure I am ready for the return of the pain and the hell of endo right now.  I'm only just finding my feet after everything of the last month.

I only had my laparoscopy in February.  Surely this is not supposed to happen just yet?

History has shown me that endo tends to set up home quickly once it's there.  This fills me with fear and dread of what the next few months hold.

We have our WTF appointment with the clinic in August, and since we're seeing the consultant that did my laparoscopy in February, I'm holding out for some answers then.

Until then... I'm keeping everything crossed endo can be just held at bay.

Confessions, pleas and promises

I need to apologise for being on such a downer recently.  I'm aware of how depressing my blog has become.  This post is somewhat of an explanation...apology...confession.

I have changed.  I've become someone I don't like.

I've always prided myself in being someone who can put others first.  Someone who can recognise pain in others and offer a moment to hold them, send them a gentle message or just be there for them.  I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, despite numerous times of it being crushed by careless and thoughtless people.  This is who I am.  I realise I sound like I'm trying to big myself up, but I'm not.  I'm just made this way.

But since my miscarriage, I've changed.

I can barely leave the house in case I see someone I know.  In case there is a pregnant bump (which of course there always is).  I can't face logging onto Facebook in case there is another pregnancy announcement, another scan picture, another one of those automated pregnancy progress things.  I have even struggled to log onto one of my greatest support networks Twitter.

I'm so sorry for this.  I am so angry with myself.  Yet seeing the start of another cycle, another beta day or another milestone along a pregnancy just breaks my heart.

Let me be clear - I NEVER begrudge those starting a cycle or celebrating their good news.  I would never ask them to stop.  They deserve this more than anyone I know.  I truly mean this.  I know this, yet there is this horrible part of me that cannot stop feeling jealous.

I know I will not get to cycle again.  I know that my chance has been and gone.  I know that my chance was stolen from me.  And I think that this is the stem of my pain.

I have no-one to blame except myself.  I lay every night thinking about all the things I did on the days leading up to the day I started bleeding.  There was that the 15 minutes I was stood up at DJs nursery.  There was the time I held my friends baby boy and he wanted to stand on my legs.  There was the time I went shopping even though I felt poorly.  Perhaps it was the way I sat, slept, walked.

The not knowing is torturing me.  It's changed who I am.

Will I ever learn to cope with this pain and guilt?  Will I learn to love again?  Will I learn to celebrate?

For now, I hope you can forgive me.  If you can't, please don't tell me.  I can't cope with more guilt right now.

On my part, I promise I will find myself in time.  I want to share your joy when I can.  I want to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

xxxx

I know I'm blessed but don't beat me with it

I know that this blog has become a place of doom and gloom recently.  I am truly sorry for that - I am trying to shift this constant feeling of being blue and I hope that you don't ditch me whilst I do!

Since...the...well, you know (no I can't say the word yet)...I have been reminded how lucky I am to be a Mummy to DJ.  That I should be grateful for him and remember what a gift he is.

I DO KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM.

I DO KNOW HOW AMAZING HE IS.

I KNOW HE IS A GIFT.

But having DJ and all that it means to be a Mummy makes my loss seem harder somehow.  Everyday I can see what I have lost.  I am reminded about what should have been.

Sorry, rant over

The cruel alternative version of today

The good news is that both your embryos implanted and were growing...


These were exactly the words I was supposed to be hearing today after being scanned.  In fact, they were the words I heard today.  BUT, and here's the full kick in my heart, the scan didn't show two flickering heartbeats.  I didn't walk away with black and grey grainy pictures of my babies.

Instead, I had a scan to make sure that there was nothing left what shouldn't be there.  I had the results of the analysis of the 'pregnancy tissue' (seriously, if they say this to me one more time I will punch them!  THEY WERE MY BABIES! NOT TISSUE!!!!!!).  I had been pregnant with twins.

Hubby always said that he thought we were having twins.  He said he knew there was a boy and a girl.  This was the family he saw - DJ being a wonderful big brother to his two new siblings.

How do we move on from this?

I'm going to take a break from Twitter and Facebook for a while.  I'll still pop on to catch up on my friends, but I am on such a downer, I know this community doesn't need that.

I'm going to focus on my uni exams in August.  I'm going to throw myself into my third year and my dissertation.

I'm going to lose the IVF weight (I've got about 2 stone to lose, so that should be fun, NOT)

After I've finished my degree we will think about the future.

For now I need to learn how to leave the house and see a newborn or a pregnant woman without crumbling into a tears.

How I wish I was still pregnant....

Just a thought...

When you decide to start trying for a baby, your life suddenly becomes filled with "could be's"

If we get pregnant this month, the baby could be born on such and such day...


If the baby is..., then it could be...


This is no different for anyone wanting to start a family.  I suppose those people needing fertility treatment have longer to create these little dreams, but we all have them.

But as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test or raising betas, these "could be's" become "going to be's".

I'm sure I'm not the only one.  As soon as you know that you are creating life, you change.  The way you think changes.  You start to PLAN, not just dream

The baby's going to be born on this date


Our life is going to be ...


You know your life is never going to be the same ever again, and it never is.

BUT - and this is one Hell of a 'but'... when you suffer the loss of your baby, whenever that may be, those plans and "going to be's" are broken.  I know that the longer you have your baby, the more detailed those plans become.  You may know your baby is going to be a boy or a girl, you may have a name for your future little joy.  However, no matter whether you have this or not, the loss is a heartbreaking pain.

There becomes a black hole where there was once life and joy.  Your future child's shadow and the life around them starts to fade.  The bright and hope-filled plans become dark ghosts of a life that could have been.

Grieving is therefore learning to cope with the pain of knowing my babies are gone for ever, but also trying to rebuild a future plan, empty of the little lives that should have been there.

It's over

So my joy lasted a week.  But in that time I loved and promised to give my everything for the little life or lives inside me.  I guess that wasn't enough.

I remember the tears, disappointment and pain when I had the series of IUIs at the beginning of our treatment journey.  I begged that each time I would get the magical 2nd line on my pregnancy test.  I remember the series of BFN.

Yet now, somehow, I wish that this time had ended the same way.  That I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to know that life was there to love and nurture.

Instead, in a sterile hospital room I had a doctor gently place her hand on my knee and tell me I had lost my babies.  

So that's it - my week of POAS is over, my worries and fears gone.  But I'd give anything to make them come back.

My first Thankful Thursday and IVF update

Yesterday, last night and this morning saw me sadder than I have been for a while.  I had a massive fall out with hubby which forced us to face feelings that we had been hiding from for a while.  Everything is ok, but I think that the combination of drugs and back pain made me emotional, so when a discussion came up I just couldn't hide anywhere - there was nowhere to run.  Hubby has always been such a strong and supportive partner, and I know that the painful talks through the night have all been sorted.  I just need to hope I can carry on.  My emotions are low and my heart feels like it is breaking (I'm not even close to my 2 week wait yet!)

Anyway, after a short nap I realised that I have been a very poor blogger recently.  Uni exams are round the corner and revision is taking all my time.  But I have decided to write a weekly post - my Thankful Thursday (#thankfulthursday #TT).  I'm not sure if this is already on the circulation of Twitterverse, most likely.  But whatever, this is mine.

So each week I am going to write one thing that makes me grateful.  Since I am mid-cycle it will probably be IF related for a while, but let's see how this pans out.  So here goes for my 1st Thankful Thursday post...

Today, I am thankful for...Gonal-F!  I recently found out I have a poor egg reserve (low AMH) and this obviously filled me with the fears and worries about how well I would respond to the IVF stims this cycle.  Today I had my first monitoring scan and my ovaries are doing wonderfully - I have 12 follies on the right, and another 6 on the left!  That's 18 in total!!!!!

If I hadn't been laying down with wandy doing her business, I may have fallen off the table!

They're growing nicely too - some are already some good sizes.  I'm back to the clinic bright and early on Saturday for a second monitoring scan and bloodwork.  I'm keeping everything crossed that they continue to grow and blossom.

So there we are - Gonal-F you are working some magic in there, and for that I am very thankful.

I'd love to hear your Thankful Thursdays too!

xxxx

IF sadness

There are many things about infertility which are filled with sadness.  I'm not going to mention the obvious ones here...if you are battling IF then you know them only too well and if you are trying to get an understanding of IF so you can support someone you know who is battling IF, then there is a plethora of info out there.

we are organising DJ's christening.  I know that he is nearly 4 and that we should have perhaps done it already, but we never quite got round to it.  If we are honest, there is one main reason why we have put it off - who are going to be his godparents?  We know that my sister and brother will be godparents, but we always wanted him to have 3 or 4.  And this leads me to the one of the saddest things about IF...you start to drift away from others. In our case, we started to see our friends having 2nd, 3rd or 4th babies and we found that we were less able to cope with the heartbreak each announcement brought.  Though our friends didn't know about our IF, I think they could sense the pain inside us when they shared their happy news.  I don't want you to think that we are awful friends - we were of course happy for them, and I never forget their children's birthdays.  But this doesn't stop the pain inside.

So we have found that we are more and more separated from our fertile friends.  So the once difficult decision to decide who would be DJs godparents was because we had a wide circle of close friends, it is now the reverse.

This fills me with great sadness, and I wish I knew how I could rebuild those bridges that we once had.

Lesson for the day

Yesterday was a shock to my system to say the least!  And I have learned one massive lesson from it...NEVER, EVER take anything for granted when it comes to infertility or treatment cycles!

I am fairly lucky in that AF is punctual.  I know that 31 days after her last visit, she will show up again.  I know that she likes to be the centre of attention, so if I have some stress going on, she sometimes waits a couple of days so I can pay her the true attention she feels she deserves, but she is not one for showing up early.

She has recently tortured me, showing up 6 days late when I just wanted to get this show on the road, but yesterday was her ultimate show-piece!  Showing up 12 days early!!!

I know that I am still going on with the cycle, but this has been a hiccup I, one, wasn't expecting; and two, didn't need.  I now have to wait until 26th April for my down reg scan to see if this cycle is a no starter.  Yay to 3 weeks of injections, with the uncertainty that this is going to be worth it anyway.

So here is the lesson I learned yesterday, and which I will share with you - when you are dealing with infertility, always expect the unexpected.  Of course this can be positive, for example, receiving a BFP when you didn't have any hint it was on it's way; it might be that one injection doesn't sting as much as the rest; or AF deciding to do her own thing.  Whatever it is, you will come through the other end. xx

All systems go!

Well the clinic did eventually get back to me.  And as I prepared myself for the news that this cycle was a no-go, the nurse just put me on hold.  When she came back she said 'Change of plan, start down reg tonight'.

You might be having the same reaction to this statement as I did - WHAT?  Yes, I have to start down reg straight away!  I am still struggling to get my head around this.  Has anyone ever had to do this?  I explained that AF is now in full flow and was she sure that this would be right.  After her reassuring me for the third (or fourth) time, last night was my first down reg injection!!!!!

Everything went ok.  Despite not working out for a while due to the operations, pain and anything else you can throw at me, my thigh muscles seem to have toughened up.  OUCH!  And who knew 0.5ml was such a lot? Hahaha!

So I'm now on the way.  I am still filled with so many fears that this isn't going to work as I had hoped.  It already has thrown a spanner into the works, but I am determined to keep some hope.  At the end of the day, this is all we have, right?

I just want to say a massive thank you to all the lovely, gorgeous people on Twitter who were such an amazing support yesterday.  I know that I am very lucky to have their support through this whole experience. xx

Please don't let this be the end...

Please let this not be the end, before I’ve even started.

Why do I do this to myself every bloody time?  Why do I let myself build up some hope and excitement at moving forward – WHY?  Every time I get smacked right in the face.

I started bleeding this morning.  As much as I kept telling myself it was just some spotting (which is unusual for me enough) I can’t deny that this is not just a bit of heavy spotting anymore.

I called the clinic this morning and the nurse said that it might just be nothing, to relax (REALLY?  Do these people have any idea what they are saying sometimes?) and to see if it got any heavier.  By 10, it was definitely heavier.  I’m now waiting to hear from them again to see what I am supposed to do now.

I can’t explain how much this hurts.  I know that I am not the first person to have a cycle cancelled, but I honestly thought that this was it.  I can’t believe that I have been so stupid.

I only had to get to Friday.  All the medicines are carefully lined up ready for me to start the injections. 

I suppose I just sit and wait to see what the clinic says...

Tick, tock. Tick, tock - trying to silence the clock

I know that this is something that many people are aware of, but for those suffering infertility, the tick tock of time is louder than most could imagine.  There's the obvious ticking of the old biological clock.  We are inundated with reminders that after 35, fertility drops; we see our same age (or younger) friends embark on parenthood; we feel the yearning to be a parent that is our innate desire...actually it is more than a desire - it is a NEED!

With every month there are other clocks ticking along loudly in our heads - the waiting for ovulation, the waiting for your partner to BD with you after work, the waiting to see if this time it's "the one". 

This is almost made worse when you introduce treatments into the equation - waiting for AF to start to actually start treatment, the waiting for scans and bloodwork to see if you are progressing properly (and why are clinics so slow to call back?  Or is it just that we are so acutely aware of time?), the wait to see if they can retrieve any eggs, and then the wait to see if they are fertilised.  You would therefore think that the 2ww to see if you are actually pregnant would be easy - HELL NO!!!  This is perhaps the longest 2 weeks you will ever experience.  If only our 2 week holiday would go so slowly!

I know that this is no reminder for anyone who is TTC and/or battle through infertility.  For those just starting out on this journey - I just wish you didn't have to experience this long fight to become a parent.

I have been trying to think of ways to quieten the ticking.  There is no way to silence it, so you just have to accept that and hope that you can get through an hour without hearing it blaring loudly.  I have tried meditation, but all this does it make my mind clearer for the clock to be louder.  I have tried distraction - to be honest this is one of the best tools I have.  But it is night time when it is the worse.  When you turn off the light, place your head on that lovely fluffy pillow and start to search for sleep.  This is when it hits me the most.

I have tried playing games.  My favourite is the alphabet game (chose a topic and go through the alphabet), I have even tried counting sheep.

But I have found something - I originally thought it was the worng thing to do, but if it works... I now lay my hands on my tummy and talk to my uterus.  I know many of you do meditate and talk to you uterus too.  I never really thought about before.  I'm so pleased I have tried it, I feel that in those times when I can do nothing to stop the passing of time, or make the waiting easier, I have some control on what the future will bring.

As distorted and scarred my uterus and co are, I need them right now.  And you need yours too, so value them.  I know it's easy to hate.  You need to be angry at something sometimes, but for a while (until you are holding baby in your arms) don't hate the only gift that you have (oh, and your doctor!)

xxx

Yay! Get ready IVF, here we come!

I'm sorry I've been missing for a little while.  My own computer has decided to die a long and painful death, so I am having to use a borrowed computer which didn't like logging on.  Why are computers so unhelpful sometimes?

Anyway, Saturday saw the eventual arrival of AF - a whole 6 days late.  Normally this is a blessing, but this month was different.  This month I wanted her to arrive on time, because this month I wanted to book onto an IVF treatment cycle.

I'd spoken to the clinic and they explained that my best chance of getting onto my preferred block would be if AF arrived over the weekend or Monday since their blocks run Saturday to Friday.  Last week was like a reverse 2ww - the constant going to the loo, the constant checking of the paper after, being conscious of EVERY feeling in that area.  I barely managed, so Heaven knows how the real 2ww will be.

But when Saturday lunchtime brought AF, I was over the moon!  I have to be honest, the pains were not so fantastic.  I might blog about my disappointment of that another day, but for now nothing is going to detract from the complete happiness of starting this journey again.

I called the clinic on Monday morning, and after a few false starts (no replies, missing secretaries etc) I eventually got 'the' call - I am on my treatment block for IVF and I will start down reg in 17 days!!!!

I know there is such a lot of hurdles to go, but right now just getting AF and getting onto a treatment block is good for me.  I'm so excited.  Yes, I am filled with fears and worries, but for now I just want to enjoy this moment.  I'll save my fears post for another day
xxxx

We have a Back-Up plan!

I'm an organiser - I love to have a plan.  My life revolves around lists and Excel spreadsheets!  I can make a spreadsheet for anything.  My current obsession is my IVF calculator.  I type in the date of AF's arrival and then it calculates when I start down-reg, stims, trigger, ER, ET and my due date based on my successful cycle.  It highlights in red any dates that fall on uni exams etc and so I can see whether a cycle is good or not.

As you can see, I perhaps have had too much time on my hands ;)

But like I say, I like to know where we are going and when.  So hubby and I sat down and had a long (tearful) talk about the future - Would we be happy with just having our one little boy?  How many attempts at IVF would we do?  What then?

So now we HAVE A PLAN!!!

We know that we want to have another child in our lives.  We know that DJ wants a sibling and would make an amazing big brother.  We also now know that I am not as well-stocked on the egg front as I had hoped, and neither are we lucky enough to have a money tree in the garden.  So we plan to have 2 fresh cycles of IVF.  Should we be lucky enough to get frosties from them, then we will do FET.  After this we will start the adoption process.

This makes me excited.  I know that this is such a way in the future, but it still fills me with the comfort of a 'plan' and I know that we will achieve what we long for.

We've decided that we would like to try to adopt siblings.  We know someone who was separated from their sibling (of course this was 40 years ago!) through adoption and as I have a close relationship to my siblings, we wouldn't want to stop these children being happy because they are fortunate enough to have a brother or sister.  There is a shortage of people wanting to adopt more than one child, especially if they are a little older.

So this is our plan!  I will be a Mummy again, and DJ will be a big brother!

Can I be honest?

At this moment in time, I'm exhausted.  I haven't slept properly for too long.  The moment I lie my head down on the pillow, my brain goes into over drive.

I am a list person and many years ago, I have a psychologist tell me that I should use this obsession to write down everything that I am thinking about and then rank them into a realistic to-do list.  So here I go, in no particular order:

• I'm behind with my uni work - I have assignments and exams coming up, I have missed a few lectures because of being such wuss after my laparoscopy, I'm running out of time and I'm not sure how to make it up
• I'm obsessed with every feeling, cramp, ache and pain in my tummy - has the laparoscopy done enough to relieve some of the endo pain? Will I get AF on time? Why am I still getting pains after 2 weeks? Is the cyst, still claiming squatters rights on my right ovary going to be a problem when I start IVF?
• The house is a tip!  Hubby has been trying to deal with some of the jobs but there are so many still not done.  When the hell am I supposed to fit that into my day?
• What if AF is late?  I am on such a tight time frame around exams and uni work that I really need AF to show up on time and not mess me about
• What does it mean now I know I have a low egg reserve?  Yes, I know it means more drugs and therefore more money (which is another side issue) but what if I don't get eggs on this cycle?  What if I never get enough eggs?

And this leads me to share the biggest problem that I have right now - I'M SCARED!  I know that there is the normal nerves etc about starting a treatment cycle, but I'm so petrified that this is not going to work for me.  What if this doesn't work for me?  What if I am pushing myself into this cycle?  I've waited so long to get to this stage yet I can't explain this intense fear.

I know that they say that unless you take risks you will never achieve anything, but taking the leap is tough.

I am so overwhelmed with the world at the moment.  This feeling is pretty new to me - I constantly strive to be in control.  I berate myself when things don't go to plan, and scrutinise them to make sure it never happens again.  But this is not the me at the moment.  Even running out of milk reduces me to tears.

How am I supposed to get through the next few months?  Someone wake me when it's over please

xx

It seems age isn't on my side :(

As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently had my AMH test to measure my egg reserve.  For some reason I wasn't particularly worried about this.  After all I had just had surgery and they didn't see anything that overly serious, and I'm only 30!  Maybe I have fallen foul of everyone around me reminding me that I have age on my side.  It wasn't like I had left trying for a baby until after my career...

Well, it seems that my body had an Ace up its sleeve!  Guess what?  I don't have many eggs left, my eggs are ageing faster than me.

I knew the news wasn't great when I called the clinic and they said that I needed to speak to the nurse and she would call me back.  Then when she did, she went all round the houses explaining what the test did, how the levels were grouped etc and then she hit me with "...and you have low fertility".  I felt the burning in my chest and my eyes.  I waited for her to tell me that it was ok, that it was just below 'normal', but she didn't.  She explained that I was in the lower half of the low band.  So that the frick does that mean?

IVF is still going ahead, but our bill has gone up as I will need higher doses of stim meds.  And it is only now I realise just how much these drugs cost.  Would it be cheaper to get a crack habit?

To make matters worse, my tummy is still really sore.  The swelling is going down, but it is still really tender.  I ventured out in the car earlier to take DJ to nursery and I've been really uncomfortable all day since.  I have to get through it because I have to get back to uni on Monday and that is an hours drive each way and sitting through hours of lectures.

I'm staying hopeful...  What option do I have?  I can feel the hormones kicking in.  AF will be here in about a week.  So I warn you, there may be tears for a while.  BUT, as soon as AF has arrived, I'm becoming super focused on this cycle.  SO take that IF!

Pet peeve about pregnant fertiles

As most infertile women do, even before they have even had a BFP, they are fully aware of what pregnancy is supposed to be like.  We know all the milestones, all the early signs and all the feelings we should and shouldn't have.  We are a pregnancy dictionary in walking, talking form.  An expert by proxy.

I have been fortunate to be blessed with my little boy, DJ.  And I remember all the feelings that I had, wanted to have and didn't want to have throughout the whole IVF cycle and after my positive pregnancy test.

Without wanting to preach to the converted, but we all know that the heartbeat of your little growing embryo doesn't really emerge until around week 6.  At that moment, the embryo is precisely that - an embryo.  So this leads me to the peeve that I want to share with you all today.

Not only have I had to sit and listen to the tales of unexpected pregnancies or of 'only being trying for a month', but they then tell me they can FEEL their baby moving at 6 or 7 weeks!!!  One of my friends even said that during a recent concert she had been to (I think that it was a Queen tribute band) that she had felt her baby dancing!

I have actually heard this a few times.  I used to sit and nod, thinking that they just had wind!  But now, I tell them they just have wind.  I look at my framed scan pic of my little embryo taken at 7 weeks and 2 days and remember the magic of seeing that little delicate heartbeat flicker inside of me.  The life that was growing, yet being so small (hahaha, he didn't stay that way though!).  I know my friends are excited.  I sometimes feel bad for taking that away from them.  But I suppose that it's the final straw after they have regaled me with the details of their conception and how easy it was!

There are other things that annoy me, but for now this just had to be shared.  Do you have any similar stories?

Social networks - ARGH!!!

As you all know, I have an active Twitter account.  I'll be honest, my BroodyIVFMummy account is my second attempt.  A while ago I decided to join the Twitterverse, basically to celeb stalk (I still think that this is the main use of Twitter apart from the small number of groups that have found genuine support, like my lovely IF community, which I will get onto later).  Maybe my heart wasn't in it, maybe I am just stupid but I just didn't get it.

I'm a creature of habit.  I used Facebook (I still do) and I liked the format.  I liked that you could follow a conversation on a status thread.  It just made sense to me.  I have to be honest I still like the way Facebook works.  I still like those things that I liked before.  My only problem is the people on Facebook.  Yes, I know that they are my friends (acquaintences?) but sometimes they can be too much.

Does anyone remember a time before social network sites?  The time when you could go home and have your private life and your friends and work colleagues could have theirs.  Apart from the morning chat about last night's TV, your two lives never shall meet.  However, along came Facebook and the other multitude of social networks and privacy disappeared.  Of course, many people are like me - those that keep some things private.  BUT soooo many people think that I am interested in every part of their life...  The people that I spend all day with have now started to bleed into my private family time.  The thing is I didn't invite them into that space, so how did it happen?

Now before you all think that I have become a two-faced monster, please know that this is only about my personal Facebook account.  I have become bored of their mundane statuses about blah, blah, blah...  I only keep it to stay in touch with family in far flung places and exchange photos with them (so I hope I'm not being too hypocritical)

My faith has been restored in social networks though.  One day I decided to create a Twitter account solely for my battle through infertility.  I don't know what made me do it, rather than use Facebook.  Maybe it was the vastness of Twitter.  Maybe I wanted to separate it from my 'other' life.  But whatever the reasons, I decided to create Broody IVF Mummy.  That is exactly who I am - a desperately broody mummy to a gorgeous son, conceived through IVF.  I hope you agree Broody IVF Mummy is a little better than the long version ;)

This account has offered me a lifeline (which I have explained before).  The wonderful people that I have 'met' through this community are amazing.  Each day, we all share our hope, joy, fears and sadness.  Unfortunately there is always too much sadness.  We all deserve the gift of parenthood by whatever road we take.  And I know that with time we will get there.  We welcome new people into our 'world' (I was amazed how welcome I was a few months ago).  I long for the day when no-one else joins because that means that infertility has been given a kick in the behind and told to move on, but that is NEVER going to happen, so we will continue to welcome newbies into our lives.

So last week I decided to start a Facebook account.  Again it is under the Broody IVF Mummy account name.  I guessed that there are some people out there, looking for some help but who can't grapple with the complexities of Twitter.  At the moment, I have one lovely friend, Stephanie, who I have managed to track through Twitter.  The point is to reach new people too, and if you are reading this and you aren't a Tweep, then please log on and follow my journey on Facebook too.  I want to share with others the support that is there (well, and the details of my IVF journey, but that's the point), and not the details of what I had for dinner last night (though I might share that info if you ask nicely).

Sorry for the rambling! xxx