Exhaustion

I'm not sure whether it is the time of the year or the amount of uni work I have piled up around me, but for a couple of months, I have been beyond exhausted.  I am actually more tired than I was when DJ was born!

I wake up tired, and by midday my eyes feel like burning coals.  I can't think.  I can't function.

I decided that it was probably just an iron thing.  Anaemia is not new for me, though it is usually linked to endo and heavy periods.  Since being on the Pill, heavy bleeding isn't really an issue (one blessing I suppose), but I still hoped that they could draw some blood, and prescribe me a tablet.  Problem solved!

NO!

My doctor decided to run billions of tests (yes a small exaggeration, but when there are 8 vials of blood being taken, it might as well be that many for me).  And I am hopefully back tomorrow for the results.  I am still pinning hopes on the low iron levels, but I have a sneaky feeling nothing will come back abnormal and I will be told nothing.

I know stress can do this.  But I've had periods of depression before and never felt this drained.

Perhaps I need a good night's sleep?  Or just to not get out of bed for a week?

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow brings some good news and a magic pill to make me feel more human!

I hate waiting!

Anyone who has been through any aspect of infertility will know that the one thing that you have to do a lot of is waiting!  You wait for this test, and that result.  You wait the infamous 2 week wait, and then (if you are lucky enough to get a BFP) you have to wait another to have a viability scan.  The waiting never seems to end.

So you would think that by now, after so many years of this torture, I would have SOME patience, and tolerance to the occasional delay etc.... well, you think wrong!

Waiting is perhaps the most agitating thing in my life.  I despise it!

Sometimes I think that my patience pot has dried up from being so heavily used over time.  It seems that I have less and less willingness to forgive people when they don't return my call that I am sat waiting for, or for the person to start moving when the traffic lights turn green.  The list is endless of the things that I cannot stand waiting for.

So if you have the (dis)pleasure of having to deal with me - please, please know that I am not very patient.  This is especially important if I am a student at the university where you work and you should be presenting a lecture which I have paid to be at! (Hint, hint)

Rant over, and now back to waiting to see if I receive my important phone call today...  Like I said, it never ends.

Thinking of the next step

You know when things aren't going to plan, what do you do?

Life seems to insist on throwing me curve-balls or just being plain awkward.  I'd like to think that this is to keep me on my toes, but I have a feeling that it is just simply out of spite!

Yes, I do learn from the twists and turns that come up.  I face the challenges that occur - sometimes with a smile and a spring in my step, sometimes with a tear and slumped shoulders - but as yet I seem to have managed to come through the other side with some success.

As I type this, I am faced with a mammoth task of moving forward; of planning the next few years of my life...our life.  In a few months time, my uni degree will be over and I need to be thinking about life after graduation.  I know what my ultimate goal is, I am clear about that at least.  But I am confused about the bits around it.  The bits of life that are more important in so many ways - children, where we live, money!

I am a lover of 'the list'.  I like to organise myself.  I like to know what is happening, and in what order.  I like planning.  But if I have learned anything over the last year or so, is that planning doesn't always go to plan.  Stuf doesn't happen in the order it was supposed to; things happen which aren't on the list (plain rude if you ask me), and stuff on the list sometimes never happens at all!

So for now, you might from time to time hear my musings ramblings about what the Hell I am going to do with my life.  But I promise that this is nothing more than me thinking aloud - perhaps you might be able to say something that makes me look at another option, perhaps you might be able to push me in the right direction when I am just scared to look that way (in a nice way of course ;0) )

Thanks for being there!

Back after a desperately needed break...

Hello Blogger-verse

Hope you are all ok.  I know I have been missing for a little while - I decided I needed to have a break from a lot of things, and just focus on one or two bits of my life.

I've done that as well as I can.  I'm not sure I've been 100% successful in my 'break'...  I've sneaked peeks on Twitter and then had to hide away again; I've tried to blog and then had to delete it; I've tried to log onto Facebook and then regretted it.  BUT, I have limited my access and I am feeling better for it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to throw myself back into everything all at once, but I am hoping I am stronger.

So during my break, life has gone on as it always does.  I'm back at uni full-time, DJ is doing really well at school and I'm just trying to find some organisation in this chaos.

I have used the time to make some decisions - about uni, my future career, extending our family.  I will share these with you over the next few days and weeks.  Some are still in their early stages, some are very exciting, some are too hard for me to finalise as yet.

But we have made decisions.  We have managed to think beyond the day/week.  We have thought, and talked, about things we have been avoiding for a long time.

I hope that you are still around to share this next stage of the journey with us.  I hope you don't feel neglected.

See you soon, I promise
x

I'm back!!!

After a forced break thanks to those dreaded uni exams, I am thrilled to say that they are done!!!!!

Last week was a nightmare - 4 exams in 5 days, hubby bed-bound, DJ staying with his Nanna.  It was horrible.  All I wanted was a hug from someone who loved me, but I felt completely alone.

As grateful as I was for my MIL looking after DJ for nearly all week, I missed him more than I could bare.  Hubby barely spoke to me, and no-one called me (apart from DJ) to ask me how I was getting on.

I had a total of 12 hours sleep over the whole week, and I'm still exhausted.  Plus the stress has left with a stinking cold which now means I can't sleep because I can't breathe.

Sorry for sounding like a moaning Minnie - but that's it now.  They are done for now, and now just to wait for the results in a few weeks time.

Until then I have my little boy with me all the time now.  He's not at nursery and every day is a 'home day' before he starts school in September.

I have much to blog about, but for now, I'm just rebuilding myself after the strain of last week.

Missed you and see you soon xxx

Exam stress build up

Today was the release of the exam timetable.

There were no major surprises - there's little variation possible when they have to fit one 3 hour and three 4 hour exams into 5 days.

But what has shocked me is just how soon they will be here.

With that I'll see you later :(

This explains some things!

As you all know because I have done very little other than bleating on about it for ages - I'm revising for my uni exams at the moment.

Today I was reading some great articles about personality disorders, and stumbled upon a fascinating article about the association between period pains / menstrual symptoms and aggression.

Basically, women that report that they experience moderate to strong menstrual symptoms, such as pains / cramps, mood distortions and the rest, are found to be more aggressive throughout their cycle, not just during AF.

The myths that women only suffer during AFs visit is not necessarily true.

I am normally quite placid (unless I'm in my car where rage grabs hold and doesn't leave until the key is out of the ignition), but I feel that sometimes my anger is more than I can bare.  It just seems to emerge out of nowhere.

I admit that much of my anger is directed internally.  I have always had some issues with self-esteem, confidence and self-acceptance.  But recently, I've found that S has been at the receiving end of much more than he deserves.

To be honest, I am always skeptical about these things, I suppose that's what part of researching a topic is about, but this really was based on quite sound evidence.  It wasn't without fault, but I am fascinated that there might be some truth in this somewhere.

Do you have any thoughts or experiences?

Life as a Student

I absolutely love being a student!  I'm just about to enter my third year of undergraduate study.

I am amazed at how quickly this last 2 years have gone, and so I want to document my journey through the last year of the course.

I do have another ulterior motive for this page too - I am going my dissertation about attitudes towards infertiles. So this is a page where I will be working on this... commenting on anything that I find interesting, but mostly asking for help ;)

Rainbow revision

As you might know, I am currently in a frantic frenzy about my uni exams in a couple of weeks time.  I'm actually enjoying focusing on the topics I have to cover (though as yet I've avoided the dreaded cognitive psychology module!) and I have refound my love and reasons for going to uni in the first place.

I have a love of all things colourful, and this love extends to my uni notes.  I also love writing with a fountain pen...you know the ones you used when you were learning to write with a fountain pen (the cheap plastic ones). I love their gentleness on the paper, their finer and softer nib.  No scratchy pens for me, thank you.

I was absolutely thrilled when I found my local art store had started to stock a few bottles of coloured ink a couple of years ago.  But my need for a wider choice has driven me further afield and I have recently discovered an online supplier who has a rainbow selection.

I now have quite a collection, and I love colour coordinating my revision notes!

Sad? Yes.  But does it make me smile?  Yes!!!!

Uni exams

The meds has had a terrible effect on my concentration.  I can hardly stay awake, and the doctors agreed that perhaps sitting my exams over the next couple weeks would not be the most advisable.

So I have been signed off uni for a couple of weeks, and I will be sitting my exams in August.

It is a relief, but I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being able to do all this.  I suppose I have to give in to somethings.

For now, I need to know my embies are looked after.

On the quest for magic potion

Sorry for the break - I've been trying to keep up with uni work and the number of jobs seems to be never ending.

I'm really tired at the mo, and the main cause is my hubby's snoring!  It started about 6 months ago, but it is like a thunder storm in the bed next to me every night.  He even woke himself up with it.  So this morning, sleep deprived and mardy, I made a doctors appointment for him.  We'd been to the pharmacy and they suggested that the doctor will be able to give him something - so off we go.  I refuse to leave until he has some magic potion, electrocution device, ANYTHING!

I know hubby is upset - not about going to the doctors but because of the amount of time I spend awake because of it.  So I hope that this is good news for both of us.

Oh, well, watch this space! :)

It's nearly here!

It's only 36 hours before I have to leave for the hospital for my laparoscopy.  I have to admit I am starting to get nervous.  I went for my pre-op on Monday.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to speak to my consultant as there was a medical emergency, but had all the necessary prods and pokes to make sure that I was fit for the anesthetic.

I was intending to post about the appointment, but instead I had to deal with the really sad news that my little boys nursery was closing - that afternoon! :(  Anyone that has a little one knows that the decision to leave them with someone else (even their Daddy, grandparents or aunts/uncles) is a really tough one.  Our search for a good nursery took us months, and we were so happy with our choice.  The staff are amazing.  They have become part of an extended family to us all.

In September, the nursery was sold to this...woman (is how I'll describe her for now).  She promised that nothing would change, but very quickly we noticed the staff weren't happy, children were leaving and things were indeed changing.  I spoke to her, I wrote to her, I shouted at her to leave it alone.  Because DJ starts school in September, I didn't want to upset him by leaving his friends and 'teachers' now and then again in September.  Starting 'big school' is tough enough as it is, why making him do this twice within a year?  We only stayed there because we loved the people involved in his care so very much.

So when she wrote to us last week and gave us 2 weeks notice that they were closing for good, we were devastated.  Why hadn't we moved DJ when we started to be unhappy?  Now it is even closer to school and I have to unsettle him!

Then on Monday we got a teary 'teacher' tell us that they were closing that afternoon for good.  I was heart-broken for them, for LO and all the children there.  Luckily we had been looking at another nursery which one of the girls had recommended and thought it was a lovely place to send LO.  We also found out some of his friends are going there too, so maybe it's not too much of a change for him (or us).

Obviously, with this and uni, my week has pretty much passed in a blur.  Unfortunately I never got chance to tell the idiot of a woman what I thought of her.  She was a coward from the second she told us it was closing last week, hiding out and not showing her face.  I would never had said anything in front of LO or a child, but I really hope I bump into her at some point to tell her.  I'm not normally aggressive (well unless I'm in my car) but she has really hurt me by hurting my little boy.  Last night, I had to try and explain to him that his lovely teachers wouldn't be at his new school.  His tears were so painful.  She is a mother herself and yet she showed no compassion to the children in her care.

On a positive note, I was able to collect my uni work from last Semester.  I had 4 essays and 2 exam marks to get, and with all that had been happening, I was sure that there was at least one fail among them.  BUT in fact I passed all of them, and even got 1st class grades for most of them!!!  So stick that endo! You haven't beaten me just yet!

Must dash as LO is in the bath and his Daddy wants to get the bins out - pah, can't he see I'm busy ;)
xxx

What happened to spelling?

After my previous post about social networks, I promptly logged onto my Facebook account as I had received a message from my sister.  Since we fell out earlier this week (nothing too serious) I thought it best to check what was the matter.

But while there I noticed something that has been bothering me for some time - why don't people write properly on Facebook.  Twitter has the limitation of 140 characters, therefore the poor spelling and grammar is expected - I see it as a duty to make the most out of the space that you have.  However, Facebook doesn't have such a restriction, so why on Earth do people insist on using such poor spelling and grammar?  What infuriates me more is the use of 'ii' instead of 'i'.  Do they realise that they are actually ADDING letters to the proper spelling?  Surely the purpose of slang/text speak is to SHORTEN words?

Now I know that we all make mistakes.  We are all short of time, we all need to do at least a hundred things per minute, and occasionally spelling falls victim to this. I'm not stuck-up about this, but those people that persistently abuse the beauty of the written word is infuriating to say the least.

So I have now listed the versions of words that I have discovered today:

• wana - want to
• boi - boy (and no extra letters or effort was used spelling it correctly!)
• bin - been or being, not a waste receptacle
• tu - to (again, no extra effort, so why?)
• ova - over (only someone who has no obsession with their menstrual cycle, ovulation or fertility would use this!)

OK, I'm making myself cross thinking about this...but this is a sample from one person in the last 2 hours.  I know it might say something about my 'friend', but I haven't got it in my heart to delete her as she is the daughter of one of my only female friends.

But on a lighter note, today I had that quandary - when do I use 'effect' and 'affect'?  I am constantly getting this wrong.  I have looked it up hundreds of time, but it just doesn't stick.  So please, if you have any useful little tip as to when I should use them, share with me.  And if you have any words that bother you, again, share.  We're all friends here! :)