Tick, tock. Tick, tock - trying to silence the clock

I know that this is something that many people are aware of, but for those suffering infertility, the tick tock of time is louder than most could imagine.  There's the obvious ticking of the old biological clock.  We are inundated with reminders that after 35, fertility drops; we see our same age (or younger) friends embark on parenthood; we feel the yearning to be a parent that is our innate desire...actually it is more than a desire - it is a NEED!

With every month there are other clocks ticking along loudly in our heads - the waiting for ovulation, the waiting for your partner to BD with you after work, the waiting to see if this time it's "the one". 

This is almost made worse when you introduce treatments into the equation - waiting for AF to start to actually start treatment, the waiting for scans and bloodwork to see if you are progressing properly (and why are clinics so slow to call back?  Or is it just that we are so acutely aware of time?), the wait to see if they can retrieve any eggs, and then the wait to see if they are fertilised.  You would therefore think that the 2ww to see if you are actually pregnant would be easy - HELL NO!!!  This is perhaps the longest 2 weeks you will ever experience.  If only our 2 week holiday would go so slowly!

I know that this is no reminder for anyone who is TTC and/or battle through infertility.  For those just starting out on this journey - I just wish you didn't have to experience this long fight to become a parent.

I have been trying to think of ways to quieten the ticking.  There is no way to silence it, so you just have to accept that and hope that you can get through an hour without hearing it blaring loudly.  I have tried meditation, but all this does it make my mind clearer for the clock to be louder.  I have tried distraction - to be honest this is one of the best tools I have.  But it is night time when it is the worse.  When you turn off the light, place your head on that lovely fluffy pillow and start to search for sleep.  This is when it hits me the most.

I have tried playing games.  My favourite is the alphabet game (chose a topic and go through the alphabet), I have even tried counting sheep.

But I have found something - I originally thought it was the worng thing to do, but if it works... I now lay my hands on my tummy and talk to my uterus.  I know many of you do meditate and talk to you uterus too.  I never really thought about before.  I'm so pleased I have tried it, I feel that in those times when I can do nothing to stop the passing of time, or make the waiting easier, I have some control on what the future will bring.

As distorted and scarred my uterus and co are, I need them right now.  And you need yours too, so value them.  I know it's easy to hate.  You need to be angry at something sometimes, but for a while (until you are holding baby in your arms) don't hate the only gift that you have (oh, and your doctor!)

xxx