Can I be honest?

At this moment in time, I'm exhausted.  I haven't slept properly for too long.  The moment I lie my head down on the pillow, my brain goes into over drive.

I am a list person and many years ago, I have a psychologist tell me that I should use this obsession to write down everything that I am thinking about and then rank them into a realistic to-do list.  So here I go, in no particular order:

• I'm behind with my uni work - I have assignments and exams coming up, I have missed a few lectures because of being such wuss after my laparoscopy, I'm running out of time and I'm not sure how to make it up
• I'm obsessed with every feeling, cramp, ache and pain in my tummy - has the laparoscopy done enough to relieve some of the endo pain? Will I get AF on time? Why am I still getting pains after 2 weeks? Is the cyst, still claiming squatters rights on my right ovary going to be a problem when I start IVF?
• The house is a tip!  Hubby has been trying to deal with some of the jobs but there are so many still not done.  When the hell am I supposed to fit that into my day?
• What if AF is late?  I am on such a tight time frame around exams and uni work that I really need AF to show up on time and not mess me about
• What does it mean now I know I have a low egg reserve?  Yes, I know it means more drugs and therefore more money (which is another side issue) but what if I don't get eggs on this cycle?  What if I never get enough eggs?

And this leads me to share the biggest problem that I have right now - I'M SCARED!  I know that there is the normal nerves etc about starting a treatment cycle, but I'm so petrified that this is not going to work for me.  What if this doesn't work for me?  What if I am pushing myself into this cycle?  I've waited so long to get to this stage yet I can't explain this intense fear.

I know that they say that unless you take risks you will never achieve anything, but taking the leap is tough.

I am so overwhelmed with the world at the moment.  This feeling is pretty new to me - I constantly strive to be in control.  I berate myself when things don't go to plan, and scrutinise them to make sure it never happens again.  But this is not the me at the moment.  Even running out of milk reduces me to tears.

How am I supposed to get through the next few months?  Someone wake me when it's over please

xx