Cue the tears - oh, here they come!

Maybe now isn't the time to be writing this.  Or maybe it's the perfect time...only time will tell.

Today has been a complete rush of all emotions, and most of them are not great.  Sod trying to find the positive in everything for today.  Little one had to see the consultant at hospital today about his eyes.  I was hoping (naively, I know) that he would turn round and tell me a magic name for what was wrong.  This would obviously come with some magic solution, and then I could come home, Google it (as this is now the hypochodriacs version of the self-diagnosis book) and know what I was doing.  Instead, my baby has to have an MRI scan to make sure that there is nothing in his brain that shouldn't be there.  This is ok, except that he has to be given a general anaesthetic to make sure that he (1) stays still and (2) doesn't panic because of the noise and being claustrophobic.  Seeing my little brother before he went into theatre was tough enough, and he was 13.  Seeing my baby go through this is just going to be too much.  I know this might seem like an over-panic on my behalf, but it seems such a big thing for a little one to go through.

It's likely to be before Christmas, so at least I won't have long to wait.  We go back for the results on the 11th January, so only 6 weeks to know what the next stage is.

The 11th of January is a big day for my IF too - we have our consultation appointment that afternoon.  I'm so excited, nervous and scared all at once.  When you think about starting and expanding your family as a young woman, I don't think anyone ever thinks about it being such a soul wrenching experience.  I don't even think I ever thought it would be so planned, almost like a holiday itinerary, but without the tan and the relaxation!

I just hope that hubby start to feel better before then - he has had to go to the hospital today too.  He had to have a bone scan as he had some anomaly on his last blood test, so we have to see what that brings too.

I think the term is - it doesn't rain, it pours!  And for me, the pouring is the flood of tears that for some reason I can't stop today.  I think that the rush of uni work, the feeling that everyone is falling to pieces around me, the lack of sleep, the big 3-0 this weekend and everyone having babies just seems to have taken it's toll.  i know I will get through this, I know that it has been worse, and some people will not understand what I am stressing about, but for today I can't see the light.