Exams are OVER!!! :0)

I have been stuck revising -  I haven't been neglecting you. In fact, I have had lots of times I wanted to write, but just couldn't find the time.

AF finally disappeared!  At last, the first shower after her departure was fantastic.

My LO has been really poorly.  He just can't shake his infection.  He's on his 2nd lots of antibiotics, I just hope that this lot work!  Because he had a chest and ear infection he wasn't allowed to have his MRI scan on Monday.  Instead, they have rescheduled it for the 10th January.  They did try to say the 11th which would have meant we needed to cancel our appointment with the fertility clinic and February was their next available appointment! I was very relieved to see they changed it again for the day before.

Seeing the fertility clinic has become more important to me.  I saw the consultant on Tuesday, and they are not feeling very optimistic that the Zoladex injections have been any use at all.  I have had 6 months of hot flushes, mid-life spread (I have nothing to wear any more) and the hell of going through the menopause at 29/30, yet it was all for nothing.  NOTHING!!!!  I am too numb to cry, yet I have so many tears in my heart.  I can feel them, I want to share them with the world, but they are stuck somewhere.

The thing is I knew, deep down I knew that it wasn't working.  I have been having pains throughout, I have known that there was something still needing sorting.  I asked what this means for our plans for another baby, the look they gave me said more than the words.  I am still going to the fertility clinic in January, I'm still looking for someone that has some hope.  I am not sure what I'll do if they say this is a dream and nothing more.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, until then, I lie in bed at night thinking about how it would feel to have a baby in my tummy, how I would tell people I was having a baby, what they would look like, what we would call them.  I seem to like to torture myself with this, but I need to have this to get me through.  It's better than the alternative they have given me - a hysterectomy! Getting rid of everything that makes me a woman, everything that makes me ME!