IVF - We're coming ready or not!!!

So yesterday, I had one last question for DJ (my gorgeous little boy) - are you excited about Christmas?  Of course the answer was a resounding YES, and then he went on to tell me what he would like for Christmas.  Now when I asked this question of him a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted drums, a flute and a piano. (he just adores music).  Did he want any toys?  No - "I have lots of toys and I don't have anywhere to put new ones Mummy".  Yes, i know, my little boy is very cute!  However, last night, cuddled up looking at the Christmas tree, he asked if he could have a brother for Christmas.  The second after was an awkward moment of silence until I tried to explain that Santa can't bring babies and that it needs a Mummy and Daddy to have enough love to make a baby.  I know that this may not be the right explanation - it isn't very inclusive, it isn't actually all that accurate, but it was the best i could do at the time!

as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time.  But the question did make me think about the next step.  Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life?  Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for?  And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.

We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision.  We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.

I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby.  I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me?  She already has a child and i only want one?  I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me.  I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet.  I know how lucky I am.  I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.

If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year.  Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.