Finding something to smile about...

I'm not entirely sure where to start - it's been a long time since I wrote anything.  That's been for a number of reasons:

• Time - being back at uni, trying to do homework, look after little one (who has been really poorly), getting over the flu myself and just trying to look after the house seems to be more than I can physically do right now.

• Not sure what to say - I live in fear that this blog becomes nothing more than a moaning place rather than just a diary of my journey.  There is so much pain and frustration that I so not know where to go or what to do.  I know that there are so many on similar paths and I live in fear of causing offense if I blogged when blue!

There are more, but I think that you get the idea.

Right now I am living with such a lot of uncertainty.  Since finishing my course of Zoladex, I am still having the hot flushes, but I am now having period cramps.  Just when I thought I couldn't take much more, my body decides that it hates me on a deeper level than before!  In fact at this moment I feel that there is some conspiracy against me - there are babies being born around me all the time, people are constantly placing more demands on me, my little boy is poorly with some unknown condition and the doctors don't speak in a language I understand and I'm so far behind in my uni work I am starting to panic that I have failed before I've even begun!  

Tomorrow I am seeing my GP - I doubt he has answers but I am hoping that he has some words of wisdom.

For now, to get me through I dream about finding out I am pregnant, how I will tell people and how they will react.  I only have this to cling to at the moment, and I can't give it up yet.  Please don't get me wrong - I fully appreciate the gift I have being a Mummy to the most adorable little boy in the world.  In some ways I wish I was like those Mums that moan about their children all the time - perhaps then the pain of not having another would be easier?

To try and tell convince myself that life is good, I will list my top days ever!

1. 30th May 2007 - the day I became a Mummy.  The day my life was complete.  It wasn't without tears and fears, but I can definitely say my life has been better from that day forward.
2. 20th September 2003 - the day I went from being a single woman to sharing my life with the most loving and caring man you could ever meet.
3. 7th June 2001 - the day I realised I was loved and worth something.  My gorgeous man asked me to be his wife, an honour I am proud to carry every day.
4. 19th October 2006 - the day we realised that actually having a baby may be a reality for us.  Seeing the little flicker of a heartbeat on the scan was the most amazing thing!  Who thought you could feel such love for a baked bean?
5. 31st December 1999 - after spending 3 years in hospitals, I was finally discharged to go home to a family that had stood by me through everything.  It was by no means the end of the journey, but it was the first day of being a 'normal'.

I know that there are more days I could list, but to be honest, I think that having had these 5 days in my nearly 30 years is pretty awesome!

Maybe this will help you think of your best days - those days that remind you why you carry on, the ones that give you hope that you are going to achieve whatever it is you are searching for...