Getting sorted!

Well I didn't hear from the doctor yesterday so I hope that means that my blood test came back ok, though I wish I knew why I still feel so rubbish.  I think that it's the constant uncertainty about what is going on with me, whether my future is one of being a Mummy to one - will I ever be able to know the feeling of pregnancy again?

I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university.  I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford  my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment).  I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief.  My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors!  Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR!  I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this.  However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.

I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience.  I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different.  Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to.  Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at...  This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason.  Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop.  I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.

I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me.  But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY!  I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.

I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x