Small steps in the right direction

As I have mentioned before, I can't really try with the whole exercise thing at the moment, but I have been making a big effort with the diet.

And though I am starving a lot of the time, and I have to be careful not to get too tired because I've been suffering from terrible headaches when I get too tired/hungry, but I have managed to loose 1kg!

I've managed to cut my diet down.  I've cut out bread, and replaced it with yeast free wraps and pittas.

Lets hope this can keep going and when the exams are over, I can start exercise and the fat will disappear!

Staying thankful?

Another Thursday, and another day for saying thanks for something...

This week I have been mostly keeping to myself, so I am thankful for caller ID on my phone - makes avoiding people easier (especially my sister).

I'm also thankful for Facebook allowing me to stalk my sister without her knowing how much she is eating away at me.

I still haven't brought myself round to the idea of speaking to her.  What do I say?

Options:

1. 'Congratulations' - this would be a down-right lie.
2. 'What are you doing?' - closer to what I want to say, but she would not take this well.  Plus, not overly supportive.
3. 'Do you know what you are letting yourself in for?' - again, close to what I want to say especially because she is constantly moaning on Facebook about feeling poorly (which I assume is morning sickness) and tired.  This was topped off by the post this morning complaining that her new puppy had kept her awake all night.  SERIOUSLY?????
4. 'How are you going to afford a baby?' - my sister is the type of person that signs up to a top price contract to get an iPhone4 but then can't pay the bill.
5. 'Are you sure you can commit to a baby?' - since leaving school at 16 (2 years ago) she has started 2 or 3 college courses and had 5-7 jobs, all of which she has given up very quickly.  Her excuses range from it being boring, to needing her to get up early everyday and she is a night owl.  Maybe someone should tell her babies aren't bothered whether you're a morning lark or not, they need feeding day and night.
6. 'How could you do this to me?' - unreasonable because I know that she didn't do this on purpose to get at me.  She perhaps did get pregnant on purpose to ensure that she didn't have to get another job (see point 5 above)
7. Ignore her - ok, this is not saying anything to her and is my current plan.  For now I think that this is best for me and her.

If anyone has other ideas of how to break the ice, please share... I have thought about writing to her, but the same point still applies - where do I start?

xxx

Exam stress build up

Today was the release of the exam timetable.

There were no major surprises - there's little variation possible when they have to fit one 3 hour and three 4 hour exams into 5 days.

But what has shocked me is just how soon they will be here.

With that I'll see you later :(

The dilemma of birth control

This morning I had a visit to my GP to try and get some help dealing with endo.  As it is at the moment, the pain isn't severe by endo standards, and I know that there is only a small/medium sized endometrioma.

BUT, considering that I only had my laparoscopy in February, and the history of how these things tend to happen, I wanted to have the upper hand on the situation.  I wanted a PLAN!

I wasn't sure what I was expecting to be honest.  I'm seeing my clinic in a few weeks, and since he's also been my NHS consultant, I figured that he might be able to offer me some advice too.

What I didn't expect was for him to prescribe me the Pill.

I was prescribed it a long time ago to control heavy periods, and hubby has researched treatments/help for endo and suggested it.  Each time, there has been a quick and determined 'no'.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I feel that taking the Pill will take away the last dash of hope I have of ever having another child.

Yes, I know I'm infertile.

Yes, I know that I have not been using contraception for 8 years, and have only conceived with the help of needles, drugs and a team of people looking at my not-so-private, private parts.

BUT...what about "those" people that fall pregnant by surprise after being told they will never conceive?  What if I am going to one of those legendary stories that all infertiles hear about, but never actually meet?
What if one day my body decided to not be a complete waste of time, and do everything it was supposed to do?

Taking the Pill removes all chances of this ever happening to me.  It will take away the insane hope every month that there is a slight chance I might be pregnant.

I know this is beyond stupidity, but, hey, that's me I'm afraid.

Perhaps I can be the woman that gets pregnant taking the Pill?  I mean it's only 99% effective right? LOL

Another Thursday, more thanks to share

To be honest, this week has kind of passed me in a blur.  But I have managed to take some time off to think about life after my exams.

My little brother is in the RAF and his air base are hosting their annual Family Day in August.  We've been invited every year, but DJ has always been a little too young to go inside the helicopter and with it being a fair drive away, we have waited.

But now the time has come!  DJ is now big enough to walk inside the helicopter his Uncle C flies, and so we are going down for a few days.

So my thanks this week goes to Hilton Hotels, who were having a Summer saver discount and we managed to get a room at a nearby hotel at a bargain price!

Thanks!!!!

This explains some things!

As you all know because I have done very little other than bleating on about it for ages - I'm revising for my uni exams at the moment.

Today I was reading some great articles about personality disorders, and stumbled upon a fascinating article about the association between period pains / menstrual symptoms and aggression.

Basically, women that report that they experience moderate to strong menstrual symptoms, such as pains / cramps, mood distortions and the rest, are found to be more aggressive throughout their cycle, not just during AF.

The myths that women only suffer during AFs visit is not necessarily true.

I am normally quite placid (unless I'm in my car where rage grabs hold and doesn't leave until the key is out of the ignition), but I feel that sometimes my anger is more than I can bare.  It just seems to emerge out of nowhere.

I admit that much of my anger is directed internally.  I have always had some issues with self-esteem, confidence and self-acceptance.  But recently, I've found that S has been at the receiving end of much more than he deserves.

To be honest, I am always skeptical about these things, I suppose that's what part of researching a topic is about, but this really was based on quite sound evidence.  It wasn't without fault, but I am fascinated that there might be some truth in this somewhere.

Do you have any thoughts or experiences?

Moving on

Today was the nursery leavers party.  Though DJ is staying at nursery while I do my uni exams at the beginning of August, today and tomorrow will be sad days for him, and me.

Many of his friends will not be staying on at nursery during the Summer holidays.  To be honest, DJ wouldn't be unless I had to concentrate on uni work.

It feels a little surreal at the moment.  Despite the fact that I know he is going to Big Boys school in 6 weeks or so; he's been to look around and had a couple of afternoons there; he's got his certificate saying he's ready for school.... but what about me?  I don't think I am ready.  I definitely didn't get a certificate to say I was ready for him to move on and grow up.

I suppose that for the next 2 weeks I will be living in ignorance.  But watch out for the tears when I have to face the reality that my little baby is growing up.

xxx

Dieting is hard

Though I can't really do any exercise at the moment due to having no time to do anything, I'm still trying to eat healthily and not to excess.

I have to admit that revising while dieting is really tough.  I'm starving and when I'm trying to concentrate, this is not a great combo.

I've been snacking on grapes and cherries rather than chocolate and biscuits.  At least it's a step forward.

But as it is today I have to loose 12kg! :(

Life as a Student

I absolutely love being a student!  I'm just about to enter my third year of undergraduate study.

I am amazed at how quickly this last 2 years have gone, and so I want to document my journey through the last year of the course.

I do have another ulterior motive for this page too - I am going my dissertation about attitudes towards infertiles. So this is a page where I will be working on this... commenting on anything that I find interesting, but mostly asking for help ;)

Fighting the Fat

Well since May 2010 I have literally piled the weight on :(

It all started to go wrong when I started a six month of Zoladex.  It artificially puts you through the menopause, and I had the awful realisation that I am going to be podgy in my old age.

After this I have also had the side effects of IVF and then the comfort eating after my miscarriage.

As a result I am am about 3 stone heavier than I want to be - nothing fits, I hate to look at myself in the mirror, I hate to feel my clothes touch my skin.  It's safe to say I hate my body right now.

So I want to do something about it...

Money is REALLY tight.  I can't afford gym membership, so this is a do-it-yourself diet.

I am a bit of an expert at losing weight - I'll post about this sometime in the near future (it might not be what you expect), but basically I have to be careful how I do this.  Plus with a little boy, I want to keep a balanced diet.

Unfortunately, I am having to sit my uni exams in August, but as soon as these are done and out of the way...bring on the Fight with the FAT

About me

Hi, well, first things first - I'm Dawn.

I want this blog to document my life and all that it involves.  This is where I will try to reveal a little of what has brought me to this place.

Dawn, the infertile


Unfortunately, my history in this camp is long and painful.  There has been endless battles with ignorant doctors since the age of 12 about my periods and the pain I suffered each month.

I was given the Pill (BCP) to take from the age of 13, with minimal effect, but at the time this was better than nothing.  Even when armed with my own research, I was told that I was being a hypochondriac and the pains I experienced were 'normal period pains all women have'.

Only in August 2004, after moving house did I eventually find a GP that listened to me, and took me seriously!!!!  He was a true find :)

He referred me for a laparoscopy, and my own fears were realised when they formally diagnosed me with severe endometriosis.

By this point we had been TTC for little over a year naturally with no sign of success.

Following a couple of laparoscopies, we had three IUIs, all ending with BFNs.

We moved onto an IVF cycle in August 2006, 3 years after starting to TTC and we got our miracle BFP.

Endo still dictates much of my life, and we have never used any contraception since DJs birth in May 2007.

Recently we had an IVF/ICSI cycle, which though we got a BFP, ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.  We later found out that I was carrying twins.


Dawn, the Mummy

As I have said above, I am the proud Mummy of DJ, my little (well, not so little actually) IVF miracle.

Born in May 2007, everyday since has been filled with joy, discovery and happiness.

Being a Mummy is tough.  I had to go back to work when he was only 8 weeks old, leaving him at home with his Daddy, but I have given every inch of my life and soul to him and the job of being the best Mummy I can be to him.

DJ is warm, loving and fun.  I suppose this makes enjoying being his Mummy easy.  I love seeing him grow everyday, physically, emotionally and mentally.  But there is a part of me that is filled with sadness at every milestone because I am seeing my baby boy disappear before me to become a gorgeous well-rounded person.

DJ starts school in a few weeks time (September 2011), so there are many changes and challenges ahead...


Dawn, the student


After having DJ I returned to work quickly.  This was partly for the money, but also because they were making a number of redundancies and I did not want to be one of them.

I actually gained a promotion in April 2008, and as much as I loved my job, I was not happy.  Mostly because of a colleague of mine who was supposedly an equal, but was a sexual predator.  He made my life Hell for the 18 months I stayed.

I have always wanted to go to uni... it just never happened for me at 18.  I'm actually quite glad for that - I hadn't really got any idea of what I wanted to do then.  I think that you sometimes need some world experience to know that.  Anyway, S had got tired of my repeated regrets of not going, and with the work situation as it was, he told me to stop saying 'I wish...' and just DO IT.

So here I am... just about to enter my 3rd year of an undergraduate psychology with forensic psychology degree.  I plan to continue my studies after this, but for now, struggling with the demands of uni, motherhood and infertility, I just want to get through the next few weeks and my 2nd year exams!




I apologise for the the long winded intro.  Hope you enjoy the journey as much as I do (most of the time).

xx

Rainbow revision

As you might know, I am currently in a frantic frenzy about my uni exams in a couple of weeks time.  I'm actually enjoying focusing on the topics I have to cover (though as yet I've avoided the dreaded cognitive psychology module!) and I have refound my love and reasons for going to uni in the first place.

I have a love of all things colourful, and this love extends to my uni notes.  I also love writing with a fountain pen...you know the ones you used when you were learning to write with a fountain pen (the cheap plastic ones). I love their gentleness on the paper, their finer and softer nib.  No scratchy pens for me, thank you.

I was absolutely thrilled when I found my local art store had started to stock a few bottles of coloured ink a couple of years ago.  But my need for a wider choice has driven me further afield and I have recently discovered an online supplier who has a rainbow selection.

I now have quite a collection, and I love colour coordinating my revision notes!

Sad? Yes.  But does it make me smile?  Yes!!!!

Another Thankful Thursday

I am perhaps too tired to do this today after only 4 hours sleep last night.  but I'll have a good go none-the-less!

I am thankful to Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for the fantastic knights costume I won through their competition!  Every night, as we switch out the lights, I ask him what he is going to dream of, and every night for as long as I can remember he has always replied with: 'I dream I am a knight in shining armour'.  Every time he has made a wish, he has wished to be a knight... so when the costume arrived, I was so excited for him.

When he opened the box and tried on his new outfit, his face was amazing!

So thank you to Sonia at Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for making DJ's and my day!

I must have been on a lucky streak, because I also won the Euromillions lottery on Tuesday.  I won...wait for it...the massive amount of..........£2.60!!!!!

Now I have been dreaming about how I would spend the millions if I were to win, and the list is endless.  I'm not sure how far my winnings will stretch, but I am putting them in the kitty for a rainy day.  I might be able to afford an old-ladies plastic rain cap ;)

Feeling betrayed

Last week I really kicked myself into action.  I rearranged furniture, I cleaned, I revised... I smiled!

I could see the start of the broken jigsaw of my life and heart starting to fit back together.

That was until yesterday - my sister is pregnant.

She's only 18; she wasn't wanting a baby; she is in a rocky relationship; and yet, here she is, in the exact position I want myself to be in.

There are details of this story that makes it even harder, but despite the amount of pain she has and is causing me, I still love my sister dearly and do not wish to divulge these.  But suffice to say, this is the worst thing she could do to me.

I know that she didn't go out to get pregnant on purpose.  Well, actually I'm not so sure, but that's another tale for another day.  But I feel an immense amount of betrayal.

I'm not sure how far along she is...I'm guessing about 6 weeks.

All I can think about is that I should be 11 weeks... I should be able to celebrate MY pregnancy.  I WANTED my babies.

Is it wrong to not want to see her?

Oh, and to ice this cake - endo pains have been crippling, and AF is here this morning.

Anything else to throw at me universe?

Thankful Thursday

I know I have missed a couple of weeks of Thankful Thursdays.  There have been a number of reasons, but mostly I just needed to try and find myself again after the last month.

We went to the dentist last week, and it made me realise that there are a couple of things that infertility has given me for the positive:

1. I don't have to take contraception.  I am rubbish at taking pills at the same time every day (I had to set an alarm on my mobile when taking my IVF drugs).  And having a latex allergy, barrier methods are just too expensive.  Obviously, trying to conceive makes this point mute, but for the future, here's a thanks to infertility.
2. I can always answer with a definite answer when asked if I am pregnant.  At the dentist, I had to have an X-ray.  With this comes the inevitable question: 'Is there any chance you could be pregnant?'.  In the past, when we first started to TTC, I remember being asked this and not knowing quite what to say (this was when I had hope that a baby would be easily conceived in the old traditional way).  I remember feeling uncertain about what to say 'Well, erm, we are trying, and my period is due this week, so erm...'  Now, there is always the certainty of 'Yes' or 'No'.

Has infertility given you anything positive?

Endo Wars: Endo Strikes Back

I am aware that after my last post, this might seem to be reverting to the doom and gloom of previous posts.  But I need to get this down, so apologies for that.

When I went for 'that' scan the sonographer found a small endometrium.  Now in the midst of all the other news we heard that day, this seemed to have gone in but been stored somewhere out of reach.  That was until this week.

On Wednesday afternoon, I felt that familiar but unwelcome dull ache.  Not unbearable, not debilitating, but definitely there.  The feeling of being burned from the inside.

I only stopped bleeding last week (after 2 weeks), so this hit me hard.  I'm not sure I am ready for the return of the pain and the hell of endo right now.  I'm only just finding my feet after everything of the last month.

I only had my laparoscopy in February.  Surely this is not supposed to happen just yet?

History has shown me that endo tends to set up home quickly once it's there.  This fills me with fear and dread of what the next few months hold.

We have our WTF appointment with the clinic in August, and since we're seeing the consultant that did my laparoscopy in February, I'm holding out for some answers then.

Until then... I'm keeping everything crossed endo can be just held at bay.

Busy week

Hi all

I am so sorry I have neglected you this week.  It has been chaos with hubby having to have surgery on his lower back on Monday, and then me acting as nurse all week.  I've also managed to rearrange the living room, DJs play room and the kitchen!

Of course revision has been a bit hit and miss.  Mostly miss, but hey, I have another 4 weeks to go :(

Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I actually felt 'normal'.  DJ and I went to the dentist in the morning.  He was super brave and got a 'Super Patient' sticker which he proudly showed to ANYONE that took a glance in his direction.

In the afternoon, I took DJ for his second introduction afternoon to his new big boy school.  It was the first time that I had left him there and I was a teeny bit nervous for him.  But as a proper little trooper that he is, he just kissed me good-bye and off he went playing.

I am so incredibly proud of how grown up he is becoming.  He is respectful and kind.  He is never too shy to give his Mummy a big cuddle and is the most loving little boy I could ever ask for.

After school we played in our new garden!  I actually hung washing out on the line for the first time this year yesterday!  Finally, instead of a heap of mud, we have a lawn, a path and a washing line!  There's some final touches to it next week, and there is still the future veggie patch project to take on, but we have a whole area to play.  We decided to eat our tea outside in the sunshine.  Literally the hour that I was out there I managed to get sunburnt!  What the...

Like I say, there was nothing special about yesterday as such, but it was filled with smiles and cuddles and happiness.  It was an old me day.

Just hoping that this is the start of things feeling better.

Thanks for being patient with me.

xxx