Dreams shattered - please don't say I told you so...

Well, after a couple of days dwelling on it, I think that I can share what happened at the beginning of this week.

Monday was LOs MRI.  We had been told he would need a general anaesthetic, but when we arrived they said that as he was under 4 they would sedate him instead.  Now I probably should say that my little boy is BIG.  He was born big, and has always been bigger than average.  He's already in age 4-6 years clothes!

Rather than basing the cut off for sedation over general anaesthetic on weight, they do it by age, so they went ahead with the sedation.  The first medicine didn't work, but made LO act just like a very drunk teenager!  He is definitely going to be the life and soul of the party when he does discover alcohol!!!!  As funny as it was, it is hard to see your LO look quite so out of control.  The only saving grace was that he seemed happy.  As it didn't make him sleepy they gave him a second dose of sedation.  This apparently would knock him out for hours.  Only one child before had managed to stay awake after having both, and they were optimistic.  HOWEVER, it turned out my LO was going to be the second!!!  After nearly 2 hours they called it time, and we went back to the ward.  Then we had to wait to see if they would allow him home.  Because he'd had such a lot of medication, and he hadn't even started to sleep it off, they were unsure whether he could come home.  They only agreed to let him out as we explained we were staying in a hotel only 5 minutes down the road.

Well, he did fall asleep eventually, and when he woke up he kept referring to the day in hospital as a dream.  Poor little love even had the next day memory loss after a good night out on the booze!  I have to admit, I didn't get any sleep that night.  Laying there watching his breathing (as this was what they were worried about) and making sure that he was ok.  Seeing your LO lay there with no movement is horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

To make matters worse, AF decided to show up in the middle of the night.  Even if I had managed to relax and not stare at my little boy all night, I wouldn't have managed to get any rest from the pain.

The following morning, we dropped LO off with his Nanna.  We decided that taking him to see the clinic was not the best idea.  He was still a little wobbly on his feet and he would have asked a lot of questions.  Plus, I don't think that it's fair for us to take him to the clinic.  It can be a smack in the teeth for other couples there.

Off we went to the clinic, we stopped and had a hot chocolate and cake before we went.  The pain was showing in my face and the way I moved, but I told DH to not tell the clinic.  I wanted to know that I could start on this journey.  We walked in (I suppose I more staggered in to be honest) and we waited to see Mr H.  We entered with the hopes and anxieties that this was the start of a great journey together!

As I sat down, Mr H picked up straight away I was in a lot of pain.  Without many questions he arranged for me to have a scan (great as AF had decided to show that morning as heavy as ever).  I knew then he had concerns, I knew that this was not the way I had envisaged this meeting going.  After the scan there was no talk of dates of starting treatment, no talk of what meds would be best, nothing about our plans for another baby.  Instead, Mr H has referred me for surgery.  I'm not sure what he said, the voices happened around me.  I was there but not.  All I could hear was that my previous consultant had given me the wrong treatment, that they should have at least scanned me, why didn't they look inside me?

I could feel the tears burn my eyes and warm my cheeks.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  My previous consultant should have admitted he didn't know what he was doing, but instead he has potentially done damage to my chances of having a baby!

All I could do on the drive home was shout and cry.  Why?

Right now, I'm a little numb.  I'm waiting for a date for surgery.  Hopefully I'll speak to Mr H again (as he will be my surgeon) and he can explain what is happening, but until then, I'm not sure how I can cope.  I had so much pinned on the consultation.  I had hopes, plans and dreams... Just gone.

I know that you might think that this is silly.  Mr H is a wonderful doctor.  He told DH that anything he does will be to help achieve another pregnancy.  I know that this is not a forever situation, just a delay to my plans. BUT, the pain this month with AF has been so awful.  I have spent the last 2 days in bed unable to move.  I just wanted to know that something was happening.  I have been waiting to start on the way, and waiting a little longer is more than I can take at the moment.

Sorry if you think that I am being pathetic, I feel it, but right now my heart is so damaged...