After thinking I was feeling better yesterday, I had a rubbish night’s sleep and I have a really sore tummy today. I may have been a bit premature trying to come off all the meds yesterday, and with the bruising come through on the outside, I guess that it is doing the same on the inside too.
As much as I sound like a baby, this is sore. I know that it actually hurts less than when AF paid me her last visit, but I am being a girly about this. I keep going thinking about the bigger picture now – I can feel the next step. In fact, it has become more of a reality this afternoon. I called the clinic this morning to ask them about what do I need to do to get onto a treatment cycle after my next period... Of course, I rang at lunch so they were all busy. I was expecting a call back tomorrow, but then I’ve just had a surprise call from a nurse – can I go in tomorrow for my AMH test?
Oh my GOD!!! This is starting to feel more real. I have waited for so long, that I was unsure whether this would ever arrive. This test will mean that I am on the books for the next cycle block – one more period, and then hopefully I will be starting down reg.
Now I have suddenly become filled with nerves and fears. The ‘what ifs’ that fill every IVFers life. I am scared. I hate myself for admitting this. I am staying confident (as best as I can). I am staying focused. BUT I am so frickin’ scared. What if this doesn’t work? Our money tree is really bare. This is our one and only chance – unless of course the lottery plans to show us a win. I need to stop thinking about this for now. I need to concentrate on some uni work. I need to concentrate on getting stronger for tomorrow so that I can get this test done. I need to remember that this is just one pre-treatment test. I can take a break before we start the cycle if I don’t think that I can do it.
How stupid must I sound? Within the matter of a page, I have gone through a full spectrum of emotions – maybe I need to get some sleep.
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