Confessions, pleas and promises

I need to apologise for being on such a downer recently.  I'm aware of how depressing my blog has become.  This post is somewhat of an explanation...apology...confession.

I have changed.  I've become someone I don't like.

I've always prided myself in being someone who can put others first.  Someone who can recognise pain in others and offer a moment to hold them, send them a gentle message or just be there for them.  I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, despite numerous times of it being crushed by careless and thoughtless people.  This is who I am.  I realise I sound like I'm trying to big myself up, but I'm not.  I'm just made this way.

But since my miscarriage, I've changed.

I can barely leave the house in case I see someone I know.  In case there is a pregnant bump (which of course there always is).  I can't face logging onto Facebook in case there is another pregnancy announcement, another scan picture, another one of those automated pregnancy progress things.  I have even struggled to log onto one of my greatest support networks Twitter.

I'm so sorry for this.  I am so angry with myself.  Yet seeing the start of another cycle, another beta day or another milestone along a pregnancy just breaks my heart.

Let me be clear - I NEVER begrudge those starting a cycle or celebrating their good news.  I would never ask them to stop.  They deserve this more than anyone I know.  I truly mean this.  I know this, yet there is this horrible part of me that cannot stop feeling jealous.

I know I will not get to cycle again.  I know that my chance has been and gone.  I know that my chance was stolen from me.  And I think that this is the stem of my pain.

I have no-one to blame except myself.  I lay every night thinking about all the things I did on the days leading up to the day I started bleeding.  There was that the 15 minutes I was stood up at DJs nursery.  There was the time I held my friends baby boy and he wanted to stand on my legs.  There was the time I went shopping even though I felt poorly.  Perhaps it was the way I sat, slept, walked.

The not knowing is torturing me.  It's changed who I am.

Will I ever learn to cope with this pain and guilt?  Will I learn to love again?  Will I learn to celebrate?

For now, I hope you can forgive me.  If you can't, please don't tell me.  I can't cope with more guilt right now.

On my part, I promise I will find myself in time.  I want to share your joy when I can.  I want to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

xxxx

I know I'm blessed but don't beat me with it

I know that this blog has become a place of doom and gloom recently.  I am truly sorry for that - I am trying to shift this constant feeling of being blue and I hope that you don't ditch me whilst I do!

Since...the...well, you know (no I can't say the word yet)...I have been reminded how lucky I am to be a Mummy to DJ.  That I should be grateful for him and remember what a gift he is.

I DO KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM.

I DO KNOW HOW AMAZING HE IS.

I KNOW HE IS A GIFT.

But having DJ and all that it means to be a Mummy makes my loss seem harder somehow.  Everyday I can see what I have lost.  I am reminded about what should have been.

Sorry, rant over

Thanks this Thursday?

If I'm honest - today I am struggling to think of what to be thankful for, without repeating my last week's post!

This week has been exhausting.  I haven't slept in over a week for more than 4 hours.  I am a girl who likes loves her sleep.  I'm hoping with time I can start to get back into a sleeping pattern.

So I'm looking for help!  I want you to share with me your thanks for something...  it doesn't have to be deep and meaningful.  In fact, it would probably help if it wasn't.  Having thanks for the silly things in life.

I hope you can help me.

Thanks

The cruel alternative version of today

The good news is that both your embryos implanted and were growing...


These were exactly the words I was supposed to be hearing today after being scanned.  In fact, they were the words I heard today.  BUT, and here's the full kick in my heart, the scan didn't show two flickering heartbeats.  I didn't walk away with black and grey grainy pictures of my babies.

Instead, I had a scan to make sure that there was nothing left what shouldn't be there.  I had the results of the analysis of the 'pregnancy tissue' (seriously, if they say this to me one more time I will punch them!  THEY WERE MY BABIES! NOT TISSUE!!!!!!).  I had been pregnant with twins.

Hubby always said that he thought we were having twins.  He said he knew there was a boy and a girl.  This was the family he saw - DJ being a wonderful big brother to his two new siblings.

How do we move on from this?

I'm going to take a break from Twitter and Facebook for a while.  I'll still pop on to catch up on my friends, but I am on such a downer, I know this community doesn't need that.

I'm going to focus on my uni exams in August.  I'm going to throw myself into my third year and my dissertation.

I'm going to lose the IVF weight (I've got about 2 stone to lose, so that should be fun, NOT)

After I've finished my degree we will think about the future.

For now I need to learn how to leave the house and see a newborn or a pregnant woman without crumbling into a tears.

How I wish I was still pregnant....

Being thankful this Thursday

Ok, if I'm honest, I really don't feel like doing this today.  But I have lapsed recently with blogging my Thankful Thursday thoughts.

So over the last 5 days (oh my God, has it really been that long since this nightmare began?) my husband, my little boy, my Mum and my MIL have been beyond wonderful.

My husband has let me cry on his shoulder every time I have needed to, despite the inevitable pain it has caused him (and the unpleasant wetness).  He has allowed himself to cry.  We have shared our grief and sorrow.  I know that together we will come through this, but whilst we do, he will continue to be more than I could ever ask for.

My little DJ just knows when his Mummy needs a cuddle.  He is gentle and thoughtful.  His innocence and love is such a blessing.

My Mum has texted me constantly since I got home from hospital.  She may not always say the right thing, but knowing she is there and cares for me and my family right now is more than enough.

My MIL, who often struggles to know what to say, has been my 'doer'.  Running errands that I can't face at the moment.  Without her, we would have no food or clean clothes.  I cannot express how thankful I am to her for doing this for us.

Of course, again, the support and love from you all who have taken the time to read and/or comment on my blog, or who have Tweeted wonderful messages, has been more than I could ask for.  I genuinely feel your love, thoughts and prayers.  There are too many people to thank individually, and if I am honest, I start to cry when I try.  But I hope that you all know that just taking a few minutes out of your day for me means such a lot - thank you.

xxx

Just a thought...

When you decide to start trying for a baby, your life suddenly becomes filled with "could be's"

If we get pregnant this month, the baby could be born on such and such day...


If the baby is..., then it could be...


This is no different for anyone wanting to start a family.  I suppose those people needing fertility treatment have longer to create these little dreams, but we all have them.

But as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test or raising betas, these "could be's" become "going to be's".

I'm sure I'm not the only one.  As soon as you know that you are creating life, you change.  The way you think changes.  You start to PLAN, not just dream

The baby's going to be born on this date


Our life is going to be ...


You know your life is never going to be the same ever again, and it never is.

BUT - and this is one Hell of a 'but'... when you suffer the loss of your baby, whenever that may be, those plans and "going to be's" are broken.  I know that the longer you have your baby, the more detailed those plans become.  You may know your baby is going to be a boy or a girl, you may have a name for your future little joy.  However, no matter whether you have this or not, the loss is a heartbreaking pain.

There becomes a black hole where there was once life and joy.  Your future child's shadow and the life around them starts to fade.  The bright and hope-filled plans become dark ghosts of a life that could have been.

Grieving is therefore learning to cope with the pain of knowing my babies are gone for ever, but also trying to rebuild a future plan, empty of the little lives that should have been there.

It's over

So my joy lasted a week.  But in that time I loved and promised to give my everything for the little life or lives inside me.  I guess that wasn't enough.

I remember the tears, disappointment and pain when I had the series of IUIs at the beginning of our treatment journey.  I begged that each time I would get the magical 2nd line on my pregnancy test.  I remember the series of BFN.

Yet now, somehow, I wish that this time had ended the same way.  That I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to know that life was there to love and nurture.

Instead, in a sterile hospital room I had a doctor gently place her hand on my knee and tell me I had lost my babies.  

So that's it - my week of POAS is over, my worries and fears gone.  But I'd give anything to make them come back.

Confessions of a POAS addict

Hi, I'm Dawn and I'm addicted to peeing on a stick.

Since last Tuesday evening, I have taken numerous pregnancy tests.  Each one has been analysed for the strength of the line compared to previous tests, looking for changes and possible good or bad news.

But each time I take one that seems to have a stronger line, the next seems faint and the panic sets in.

I'm trying to get down to every other day, but I'm frightened.  I have waited for this time for years and now I am scared something is going to come along and snatch it from me.

I have less than 2 weeks to go to make sure that everything is growing ok.  I just wish that I would enjoy this stage.  However, I know that until the scan, I will continue to read way too much into everything, including changes in lines!