There are many things about infertility which are filled with sadness. I'm not going to mention the obvious ones here...if you are battling IF then you know them only too well and if you are trying to get an understanding of IF so you can support someone you know who is battling IF, then there is a plethora of info out there.
we are organising DJ's christening. I know that he is nearly 4 and that we should have perhaps done it already, but we never quite got round to it. If we are honest, there is one main reason why we have put it off - who are going to be his godparents? We know that my sister and brother will be godparents, but we always wanted him to have 3 or 4. And this leads me to the one of the saddest things about IF...you start to drift away from others. In our case, we started to see our friends having 2nd, 3rd or 4th babies and we found that we were less able to cope with the heartbreak each announcement brought. Though our friends didn't know about our IF, I think they could sense the pain inside us when they shared their happy news. I don't want you to think that we are awful friends - we were of course happy for them, and I never forget their children's birthdays. But this doesn't stop the pain inside.
So we have found that we are more and more separated from our fertile friends. So the once difficult decision to decide who would be DJs godparents was because we had a wide circle of close friends, it is now the reverse.
This fills me with great sadness, and I wish I knew how I could rebuild those bridges that we once had.
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Today is a good day!
The Easter weekend has been filled with anxiety for today. Today was my down reg scan and blood test, and also the day we found about which school DJ would be starting in September.
I had to get up early this morning for the drive to the clinic. Because of the early start, hubby had to stay at home with DJ. I don't mind - at the end of the day, a date with wandy and a needle is over pretty quickly and it's only the phone call that needs a team effort (well for me anyway).
I am thrilled the clinic phoned back so early. The scan wasn't conclusive because my lining is the maximum they like it to be but my ovaries are behaving themselves and not doing much. As she was probing around, she thinks I now have a cyst developing on the left ovary. At least I'll have a matching pair and my tummy might not be so lob-sided (the eternal optimist ;) )
But with the bloods it all seems to be going ok! I start stims on Thursday night. I'm so flippin' excited!!!!
And as an added bonus, DJ has been offered a place at the local village primary school. I am a little sad that he will not have any of his nursery friends start there with him, but he is a big boy who is very sociable, so I know he will be fine. Well done sweetheart! As happy as I am that he has his school place, it has made me realise that my little baby is growing up. If someone could just slow his growth down for a while, I really want to enjoy him for a while longer.
:)
I had to get up early this morning for the drive to the clinic. Because of the early start, hubby had to stay at home with DJ. I don't mind - at the end of the day, a date with wandy and a needle is over pretty quickly and it's only the phone call that needs a team effort (well for me anyway).
I am thrilled the clinic phoned back so early. The scan wasn't conclusive because my lining is the maximum they like it to be but my ovaries are behaving themselves and not doing much. As she was probing around, she thinks I now have a cyst developing on the left ovary. At least I'll have a matching pair and my tummy might not be so lob-sided (the eternal optimist ;) )
But with the bloods it all seems to be going ok! I start stims on Thursday night. I'm so flippin' excited!!!!
And as an added bonus, DJ has been offered a place at the local village primary school. I am a little sad that he will not have any of his nursery friends start there with him, but he is a big boy who is very sociable, so I know he will be fine. Well done sweetheart! As happy as I am that he has his school place, it has made me realise that my little baby is growing up. If someone could just slow his growth down for a while, I really want to enjoy him for a while longer.
:)
Friday, 22 April 2011
To my Son
****I JUST WANT TO WARN ANY READERS THAT THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO MY LITTLE BOY. I HAVE NO WISH TO UPSET ANYONE ****
This week has been tough. Just the everyday stuff has been all too much for me. But my little boy has given me such joy - during all the hard times, I have been able to look at his little gorgeous face and know that my life is brilliant. So this post is my letter to DJ as an eternal thank you for his gift.
Dear DJ,
Eight years ago, when Mummy and Daddy decided we wanted to share our love with a little child, we didn't know it was going to be such a long and painful journey. But neither did we know that you would be such an amazing little boy.
As each month passed and we felt no closer to holding a child in our arms, as we went through more tests to see if we were ever going to realise our dream of becoming a Mummy and Daddy, we talked about what our little boy or girl would be like. What we wished for them. At the time, the dream of the future was how we coped with each disappointment.
On the 19th October 2006, the day we saw your gentle delicate heartbeat for the first time, I have never felt such love bursting from me. Mummy and Daddy knew you were still so fragile, but we knew that we had loved you for the 4 years before and we would love you until the end of time. I know that this sounds cheesy, but it is true. I have never cried tears of joy for so long before. The feeling that this was the start of something very magical still gives me jittery goose-bumps.
The months of my pregnancy were filled with the fears and worries that every Mummy has. As much as I tried to relax, I couldn't believe that this was real. I loved feeling you wiggle around, and panicked whenever you didn't move as much. I loved hearing your heartbeat at each midwife's appointment, but was anxious for the days building up to them in case you were no longer there.
The day you were born was a trauma in itself, but that can be saved for another day, lets just say you arrived in style. But seeing you in your little crib, to be able to hold you, to feel you breathe and squeeze my finger...you were real. Not only was this your birthday, but this was the day we became a Mummy and Daddy.
Everyday since then has been a joy. Of course, I am still filled with anxieties, worries and fears. I still worry that I will wake up and this will be a wonderful dream. However, the fears are not enough to hide the fantastic love and joy that you bring me and Daddy every day. You're funny, loving and beautiful.
We share with you every new experience. We love that you enjoy every day. We love sharing the exploration of your world.
So DJ, this is my letter of thanks. My thanks for making me a Mummy, for making me love every day, for your unending love and fantastic squishy cuddles. Thank you for being YOU!!!
xxxx
This week has been tough. Just the everyday stuff has been all too much for me. But my little boy has given me such joy - during all the hard times, I have been able to look at his little gorgeous face and know that my life is brilliant. So this post is my letter to DJ as an eternal thank you for his gift.
Dear DJ,
Eight years ago, when Mummy and Daddy decided we wanted to share our love with a little child, we didn't know it was going to be such a long and painful journey. But neither did we know that you would be such an amazing little boy.
As each month passed and we felt no closer to holding a child in our arms, as we went through more tests to see if we were ever going to realise our dream of becoming a Mummy and Daddy, we talked about what our little boy or girl would be like. What we wished for them. At the time, the dream of the future was how we coped with each disappointment.
On the 19th October 2006, the day we saw your gentle delicate heartbeat for the first time, I have never felt such love bursting from me. Mummy and Daddy knew you were still so fragile, but we knew that we had loved you for the 4 years before and we would love you until the end of time. I know that this sounds cheesy, but it is true. I have never cried tears of joy for so long before. The feeling that this was the start of something very magical still gives me jittery goose-bumps.
The months of my pregnancy were filled with the fears and worries that every Mummy has. As much as I tried to relax, I couldn't believe that this was real. I loved feeling you wiggle around, and panicked whenever you didn't move as much. I loved hearing your heartbeat at each midwife's appointment, but was anxious for the days building up to them in case you were no longer there.
The day you were born was a trauma in itself, but that can be saved for another day, lets just say you arrived in style. But seeing you in your little crib, to be able to hold you, to feel you breathe and squeeze my finger...you were real. Not only was this your birthday, but this was the day we became a Mummy and Daddy.
Everyday since then has been a joy. Of course, I am still filled with anxieties, worries and fears. I still worry that I will wake up and this will be a wonderful dream. However, the fears are not enough to hide the fantastic love and joy that you bring me and Daddy every day. You're funny, loving and beautiful.
We share with you every new experience. We love that you enjoy every day. We love sharing the exploration of your world.
So DJ, this is my letter of thanks. My thanks for making me a Mummy, for making me love every day, for your unending love and fantastic squishy cuddles. Thank you for being YOU!!!
xxxx
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Stronger?
The beginning of this week hit me hard. I know there are plenty of hormones rushing around inside me at the moment, and they definitely not helping, but on Monday I genuinely felt flooded by the everything. It started with hubby not being very well, and then I realised I was supposed to be 200 miles north presenting my project to a conference! I knew it was this week, but for some reason I thought it was towards the end of the week. I had the presentation done but there was no one to look after little one while I was gone for at least one night. On top of this, hubby was really low, I was tired and uni work was piling up.
Thankfully my wonderful MIL came to the rescue once again, and DJ had a wonderful couple of days with his grandparents.
The conference went well, though I am so pleased to be home. I can't say I'm coping better, but I think that the complete crying meltdown of Monday helped to get it out of my system. I think I needed to break-down and start again. Though with the IVF drugs I seem to have settled on a low. All strong buildings have deep foundations right?
One incident from the conference though - my injection time is 9pm. Usually not a problem, DJ is tucked up in bed and I'm chilled, but on Tuesday night I was attending the conference dinner. I had planned ahead, injection in my bag, so I quick visit to the ladies was made.
I loaded up the injection, jabbed myself, and left the cubicle to freshen up. When I went into the ladies, there were a couple of other people there, but I headed to the end cubicle normally. When I was washing my hands though, I had a member of staff come in and ask me if I was ok. She then left after looking me up and down. Seriously, did the other women think I was taking some illegal substance? I've never felt so self-conscious returning to the table, worrying that someone I was walking past thought I was 'high'. If only she knew what these drugs do to you, there is no high!!!
Thankfully my wonderful MIL came to the rescue once again, and DJ had a wonderful couple of days with his grandparents.
The conference went well, though I am so pleased to be home. I can't say I'm coping better, but I think that the complete crying meltdown of Monday helped to get it out of my system. I think I needed to break-down and start again. Though with the IVF drugs I seem to have settled on a low. All strong buildings have deep foundations right?
One incident from the conference though - my injection time is 9pm. Usually not a problem, DJ is tucked up in bed and I'm chilled, but on Tuesday night I was attending the conference dinner. I had planned ahead, injection in my bag, so I quick visit to the ladies was made.
I loaded up the injection, jabbed myself, and left the cubicle to freshen up. When I went into the ladies, there were a couple of other people there, but I headed to the end cubicle normally. When I was washing my hands though, I had a member of staff come in and ask me if I was ok. She then left after looking me up and down. Seriously, did the other women think I was taking some illegal substance? I've never felt so self-conscious returning to the table, worrying that someone I was walking past thought I was 'high'. If only she knew what these drugs do to you, there is no high!!!
Saturday, 16 April 2011
When loves conquers
Yesterday marked 12 years that me and my gorgeous hubby became an 'us'. I admit I almost missed the date - I'm blaming uni for that, but I realised in in time.
I feel truly blessed that I share my life with him. Looking back on our life together I realise that it has been one hell of a bumpy ride. Many men would have fled at the first hurdle, which came very early in our relationship. But I knew from the moment he came over to talk to me that he wasn't like other men.
I have to admit that I had had a crush on him for about 5 years. At 13 I had a Saturday job at a busy town centre newsagents opposite a bank, where S worked. At school, we all used to talk about him - we used to call him 'Natwest S' (cue the blushing!). I remember each Saturday when he used to come in for his newspaper getting all giddy. Hahaha! I am sure he didn't notice, but I loved the weekly "liaison".
So when I spotted him on that Thursday night and he was looking at ME I couldn't believe my luck. I'd not seen him for a couple of years - I'd been in hospital for a while, and this was a rare visit home. My confidence was at an all time low, and yet, here 'Natwest S' was walking over to me. Thinking about this now makes me feel just as fluttery as it did that night.
We spent a few hours together. I can only remember looking into his brown eyes and wishing that the night wouldn't end. We laughed and talked. And I felt like a normal 18 year old for the first time. As the time reached closing time, I suddenly had a Cinderella moment. The lights came on!!!!! Even now, S laughs at my moment of panic as I dashed out of the building in a panic because I didn't want him to realise how ugly I was! I literally blurted my phone number out to him (those were the days before mobile phones!) and ran to the taxi.
You can imagine how surprised I was when he actually called me two days later! Since then we have been inseparable. Despite many difficult times, we have always managed to pull together to get through them. He is the most wonderful man, and I hate to think where I would be without him endless support and love.
So S, thank you, I love you. When I shout and moan at you, it never changes my feelings for you. I know that we have our ups and downs, but never doubt I love you.
xxxxx
I feel truly blessed that I share my life with him. Looking back on our life together I realise that it has been one hell of a bumpy ride. Many men would have fled at the first hurdle, which came very early in our relationship. But I knew from the moment he came over to talk to me that he wasn't like other men.
I have to admit that I had had a crush on him for about 5 years. At 13 I had a Saturday job at a busy town centre newsagents opposite a bank, where S worked. At school, we all used to talk about him - we used to call him 'Natwest S' (cue the blushing!). I remember each Saturday when he used to come in for his newspaper getting all giddy. Hahaha! I am sure he didn't notice, but I loved the weekly "liaison".
So when I spotted him on that Thursday night and he was looking at ME I couldn't believe my luck. I'd not seen him for a couple of years - I'd been in hospital for a while, and this was a rare visit home. My confidence was at an all time low, and yet, here 'Natwest S' was walking over to me. Thinking about this now makes me feel just as fluttery as it did that night.
We spent a few hours together. I can only remember looking into his brown eyes and wishing that the night wouldn't end. We laughed and talked. And I felt like a normal 18 year old for the first time. As the time reached closing time, I suddenly had a Cinderella moment. The lights came on!!!!! Even now, S laughs at my moment of panic as I dashed out of the building in a panic because I didn't want him to realise how ugly I was! I literally blurted my phone number out to him (those were the days before mobile phones!) and ran to the taxi.
You can imagine how surprised I was when he actually called me two days later! Since then we have been inseparable. Despite many difficult times, we have always managed to pull together to get through them. He is the most wonderful man, and I hate to think where I would be without him endless support and love.
So S, thank you, I love you. When I shout and moan at you, it never changes my feelings for you. I know that we have our ups and downs, but never doubt I love you.
xxxxx
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Day 6 - quick update
Today was my 6th down regulation injection, and it seems my left leg doesn't appreciate being stabbed every other day. I think the problem is being right handed, but I have tried everything to get my left leg to co-operate like my right leg. Out of the 3 occasions it has had to take it's turn, it has bled badly on 2 of them. I know that I have probably managed to stab into a blood vessel (seriously, what are the odds?) but I would very much like it not to hurt.
I'm not bothered by the injections really. I never thought I would be able to do this to myself - I used to pass out at the sight of a needle, never mind if it wasn't for me or not! And I am definitely not moaning (well, maybe a little bit) because I am truly happy to be on this journey. I know how lucky I am to be able to do this at all.
The side effects have started to kick in - the mood swings, the constant hunger, the tiredness, the insomnia. Thankfully there haven't been any hot flushes yet. The weather has been plenty warm enough without those to deal with too. BUT I can honestly say that each time I have to fill the syringe with my Buserelin, each injection, makes me happy :)
xxx
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Lesson for the day
Yesterday was a shock to my system to say the least! And I have learned one massive lesson from it...NEVER, EVER take anything for granted when it comes to infertility or treatment cycles!
I am fairly lucky in that AF is punctual. I know that 31 days after her last visit, she will show up again. I know that she likes to be the centre of attention, so if I have some stress going on, she sometimes waits a couple of days so I can pay her the true attention she feels she deserves, but she is not one for showing up early.
She has recently tortured me, showing up 6 days late when I just wanted to get this show on the road, but yesterday was her ultimate show-piece! Showing up 12 days early!!!
I know that I am still going on with the cycle, but this has been a hiccup I, one, wasn't expecting; and two, didn't need. I now have to wait until 26th April for my down reg scan to see if this cycle is a no starter. Yay to 3 weeks of injections, with the uncertainty that this is going to be worth it anyway.
So here is the lesson I learned yesterday, and which I will share with you - when you are dealing with infertility, always expect the unexpected. Of course this can be positive, for example, receiving a BFP when you didn't have any hint it was on it's way; it might be that one injection doesn't sting as much as the rest; or AF deciding to do her own thing. Whatever it is, you will come through the other end. xx
I am fairly lucky in that AF is punctual. I know that 31 days after her last visit, she will show up again. I know that she likes to be the centre of attention, so if I have some stress going on, she sometimes waits a couple of days so I can pay her the true attention she feels she deserves, but she is not one for showing up early.
She has recently tortured me, showing up 6 days late when I just wanted to get this show on the road, but yesterday was her ultimate show-piece! Showing up 12 days early!!!
I know that I am still going on with the cycle, but this has been a hiccup I, one, wasn't expecting; and two, didn't need. I now have to wait until 26th April for my down reg scan to see if this cycle is a no starter. Yay to 3 weeks of injections, with the uncertainty that this is going to be worth it anyway.
So here is the lesson I learned yesterday, and which I will share with you - when you are dealing with infertility, always expect the unexpected. Of course this can be positive, for example, receiving a BFP when you didn't have any hint it was on it's way; it might be that one injection doesn't sting as much as the rest; or AF deciding to do her own thing. Whatever it is, you will come through the other end. xx
All systems go!
Well the clinic did eventually get back to me. And as I prepared myself for the news that this cycle was a no-go, the nurse just put me on hold. When she came back she said 'Change of plan, start down reg tonight'.
You might be having the same reaction to this statement as I did - WHAT? Yes, I have to start down reg straight away! I am still struggling to get my head around this. Has anyone ever had to do this? I explained that AF is now in full flow and was she sure that this would be right. After her reassuring me for the third (or fourth) time, last night was my first down reg injection!!!!!
Everything went ok. Despite not working out for a while due to the operations, pain and anything else you can throw at me, my thigh muscles seem to have toughened up. OUCH! And who knew 0.5ml was such a lot? Hahaha!
So I'm now on the way. I am still filled with so many fears that this isn't going to work as I had hoped. It already has thrown a spanner into the works, but I am determined to keep some hope. At the end of the day, this is all we have, right?
I just want to say a massive thank you to all the lovely, gorgeous people on Twitter who were such an amazing support yesterday. I know that I am very lucky to have their support through this whole experience. xx
You might be having the same reaction to this statement as I did - WHAT? Yes, I have to start down reg straight away! I am still struggling to get my head around this. Has anyone ever had to do this? I explained that AF is now in full flow and was she sure that this would be right. After her reassuring me for the third (or fourth) time, last night was my first down reg injection!!!!!
Everything went ok. Despite not working out for a while due to the operations, pain and anything else you can throw at me, my thigh muscles seem to have toughened up. OUCH! And who knew 0.5ml was such a lot? Hahaha!
So I'm now on the way. I am still filled with so many fears that this isn't going to work as I had hoped. It already has thrown a spanner into the works, but I am determined to keep some hope. At the end of the day, this is all we have, right?
I just want to say a massive thank you to all the lovely, gorgeous people on Twitter who were such an amazing support yesterday. I know that I am very lucky to have their support through this whole experience. xx
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Please don't let this be the end...
Please let this not be the end, before I’ve even started.
Why do I do this to myself every bloody time? Why do I let myself build up some hope and excitement at moving forward – WHY? Every time I get smacked right in the face.
I started bleeding this morning. As much as I kept telling myself it was just some spotting (which is unusual for me enough) I can’t deny that this is not just a bit of heavy spotting anymore.
I called the clinic this morning and the nurse said that it might just be nothing, to relax (REALLY? Do these people have any idea what they are saying sometimes?) and to see if it got any heavier. By 10, it was definitely heavier. I’m now waiting to hear from them again to see what I am supposed to do now.
I can’t explain how much this hurts. I know that I am not the first person to have a cycle cancelled, but I honestly thought that this was it. I can’t believe that I have been so stupid.
I only had to get to Friday. All the medicines are carefully lined up ready for me to start the injections.
I suppose I just sit and wait to see what the clinic says...
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