Tick, tock. Tick, tock - trying to silence the clock

I know that this is something that many people are aware of, but for those suffering infertility, the tick tock of time is louder than most could imagine.  There's the obvious ticking of the old biological clock.  We are inundated with reminders that after 35, fertility drops; we see our same age (or younger) friends embark on parenthood; we feel the yearning to be a parent that is our innate desire...actually it is more than a desire - it is a NEED!

With every month there are other clocks ticking along loudly in our heads - the waiting for ovulation, the waiting for your partner to BD with you after work, the waiting to see if this time it's "the one". 

This is almost made worse when you introduce treatments into the equation - waiting for AF to start to actually start treatment, the waiting for scans and bloodwork to see if you are progressing properly (and why are clinics so slow to call back?  Or is it just that we are so acutely aware of time?), the wait to see if they can retrieve any eggs, and then the wait to see if they are fertilised.  You would therefore think that the 2ww to see if you are actually pregnant would be easy - HELL NO!!!  This is perhaps the longest 2 weeks you will ever experience.  If only our 2 week holiday would go so slowly!

I know that this is no reminder for anyone who is TTC and/or battle through infertility.  For those just starting out on this journey - I just wish you didn't have to experience this long fight to become a parent.

I have been trying to think of ways to quieten the ticking.  There is no way to silence it, so you just have to accept that and hope that you can get through an hour without hearing it blaring loudly.  I have tried meditation, but all this does it make my mind clearer for the clock to be louder.  I have tried distraction - to be honest this is one of the best tools I have.  But it is night time when it is the worse.  When you turn off the light, place your head on that lovely fluffy pillow and start to search for sleep.  This is when it hits me the most.

I have tried playing games.  My favourite is the alphabet game (chose a topic and go through the alphabet), I have even tried counting sheep.

But I have found something - I originally thought it was the worng thing to do, but if it works... I now lay my hands on my tummy and talk to my uterus.  I know many of you do meditate and talk to you uterus too.  I never really thought about before.  I'm so pleased I have tried it, I feel that in those times when I can do nothing to stop the passing of time, or make the waiting easier, I have some control on what the future will bring.

As distorted and scarred my uterus and co are, I need them right now.  And you need yours too, so value them.  I know it's easy to hate.  You need to be angry at something sometimes, but for a while (until you are holding baby in your arms) don't hate the only gift that you have (oh, and your doctor!)

xxx

Making it official and a spreadsheet of Hope

I had a call from the clinic yesterday to arrange an appointment for us to go in to sign all the consent forms etc.  I know that this is silly, but I am so excited because this seems to be the bit that makes the next step official.

I know that this journey has many twists and turns to come.  I'm not expecting it to be a pain free ride.  BUT I am feeling like there is some hope that this might work.  I know that I may have thought about this too much, and if you have read any of my previous posts you will realise that this is just the way I am.  I like lists and I like plans.  So in the usual Dawn-style, I have created....an Excel spreadsheet!

My spreadsheet has calculated all the key dates and this has given more hope that I could muster in myself alone.  Here's why:

1. I will be starting stims when I have broken up from uni for exam leave.  That means that I will be able to get to all the early morning scans and blood works without having to worry about the balancing act and trying to explain to others why I am a bit late

2. I will be at the end of my 2ww when my exams start.  I'm trying to see this as a good thing - having something to distract me from the constant obsessing.  I know it won't work, but there's no harm in wishful thinking on this.

3. My due date would be hubby's birthday ish.  As he shares his birthday with his Mum, having a little one share his birthday would be fantastic.  It just seems to be destined to share his birthday.

Anyone that is TTC will know that we do tend to focus on the smallest of little signs that this is it (or perhaps it's only me).  I love to see order in chaos and so I am grasping onto these 3 points with all the hope and love I can find.

I suppose only time will tell, but for now, I am counting down the days until we start the injections once again!

T minus 15 days and counting :)
xxx

Yay! Get ready IVF, here we come!

I'm sorry I've been missing for a little while.  My own computer has decided to die a long and painful death, so I am having to use a borrowed computer which didn't like logging on.  Why are computers so unhelpful sometimes?

Anyway, Saturday saw the eventual arrival of AF - a whole 6 days late.  Normally this is a blessing, but this month was different.  This month I wanted her to arrive on time, because this month I wanted to book onto an IVF treatment cycle.

I'd spoken to the clinic and they explained that my best chance of getting onto my preferred block would be if AF arrived over the weekend or Monday since their blocks run Saturday to Friday.  Last week was like a reverse 2ww - the constant going to the loo, the constant checking of the paper after, being conscious of EVERY feeling in that area.  I barely managed, so Heaven knows how the real 2ww will be.

But when Saturday lunchtime brought AF, I was over the moon!  I have to be honest, the pains were not so fantastic.  I might blog about my disappointment of that another day, but for now nothing is going to detract from the complete happiness of starting this journey again.

I called the clinic on Monday morning, and after a few false starts (no replies, missing secretaries etc) I eventually got 'the' call - I am on my treatment block for IVF and I will start down reg in 17 days!!!!

I know there is such a lot of hurdles to go, but right now just getting AF and getting onto a treatment block is good for me.  I'm so excited.  Yes, I am filled with fears and worries, but for now I just want to enjoy this moment.  I'll save my fears post for another day
xxxx

We have a Back-Up plan!

I'm an organiser - I love to have a plan.  My life revolves around lists and Excel spreadsheets!  I can make a spreadsheet for anything.  My current obsession is my IVF calculator.  I type in the date of AF's arrival and then it calculates when I start down-reg, stims, trigger, ER, ET and my due date based on my successful cycle.  It highlights in red any dates that fall on uni exams etc and so I can see whether a cycle is good or not.

As you can see, I perhaps have had too much time on my hands ;)

But like I say, I like to know where we are going and when.  So hubby and I sat down and had a long (tearful) talk about the future - Would we be happy with just having our one little boy?  How many attempts at IVF would we do?  What then?

So now we HAVE A PLAN!!!

We know that we want to have another child in our lives.  We know that DJ wants a sibling and would make an amazing big brother.  We also now know that I am not as well-stocked on the egg front as I had hoped, and neither are we lucky enough to have a money tree in the garden.  So we plan to have 2 fresh cycles of IVF.  Should we be lucky enough to get frosties from them, then we will do FET.  After this we will start the adoption process.

This makes me excited.  I know that this is such a way in the future, but it still fills me with the comfort of a 'plan' and I know that we will achieve what we long for.

We've decided that we would like to try to adopt siblings.  We know someone who was separated from their sibling (of course this was 40 years ago!) through adoption and as I have a close relationship to my siblings, we wouldn't want to stop these children being happy because they are fortunate enough to have a brother or sister.  There is a shortage of people wanting to adopt more than one child, especially if they are a little older.

So this is our plan!  I will be a Mummy again, and DJ will be a big brother!

On the quest for magic potion

Sorry for the break - I've been trying to keep up with uni work and the number of jobs seems to be never ending.

I'm really tired at the mo, and the main cause is my hubby's snoring!  It started about 6 months ago, but it is like a thunder storm in the bed next to me every night.  He even woke himself up with it.  So this morning, sleep deprived and mardy, I made a doctors appointment for him.  We'd been to the pharmacy and they suggested that the doctor will be able to give him something - so off we go.  I refuse to leave until he has some magic potion, electrocution device, ANYTHING!

I know hubby is upset - not about going to the doctors but because of the amount of time I spend awake because of it.  So I hope that this is good news for both of us.

Oh, well, watch this space! :)

Can I be honest?

At this moment in time, I'm exhausted.  I haven't slept properly for too long.  The moment I lie my head down on the pillow, my brain goes into over drive.

I am a list person and many years ago, I have a psychologist tell me that I should use this obsession to write down everything that I am thinking about and then rank them into a realistic to-do list.  So here I go, in no particular order:

• I'm behind with my uni work - I have assignments and exams coming up, I have missed a few lectures because of being such wuss after my laparoscopy, I'm running out of time and I'm not sure how to make it up
• I'm obsessed with every feeling, cramp, ache and pain in my tummy - has the laparoscopy done enough to relieve some of the endo pain? Will I get AF on time? Why am I still getting pains after 2 weeks? Is the cyst, still claiming squatters rights on my right ovary going to be a problem when I start IVF?
• The house is a tip!  Hubby has been trying to deal with some of the jobs but there are so many still not done.  When the hell am I supposed to fit that into my day?
• What if AF is late?  I am on such a tight time frame around exams and uni work that I really need AF to show up on time and not mess me about
• What does it mean now I know I have a low egg reserve?  Yes, I know it means more drugs and therefore more money (which is another side issue) but what if I don't get eggs on this cycle?  What if I never get enough eggs?

And this leads me to share the biggest problem that I have right now - I'M SCARED!  I know that there is the normal nerves etc about starting a treatment cycle, but I'm so petrified that this is not going to work for me.  What if this doesn't work for me?  What if I am pushing myself into this cycle?  I've waited so long to get to this stage yet I can't explain this intense fear.

I know that they say that unless you take risks you will never achieve anything, but taking the leap is tough.

I am so overwhelmed with the world at the moment.  This feeling is pretty new to me - I constantly strive to be in control.  I berate myself when things don't go to plan, and scrutinise them to make sure it never happens again.  But this is not the me at the moment.  Even running out of milk reduces me to tears.

How am I supposed to get through the next few months?  Someone wake me when it's over please

xx

It seems age isn't on my side :(

As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently had my AMH test to measure my egg reserve.  For some reason I wasn't particularly worried about this.  After all I had just had surgery and they didn't see anything that overly serious, and I'm only 30!  Maybe I have fallen foul of everyone around me reminding me that I have age on my side.  It wasn't like I had left trying for a baby until after my career...

Well, it seems that my body had an Ace up its sleeve!  Guess what?  I don't have many eggs left, my eggs are ageing faster than me.

I knew the news wasn't great when I called the clinic and they said that I needed to speak to the nurse and she would call me back.  Then when she did, she went all round the houses explaining what the test did, how the levels were grouped etc and then she hit me with "...and you have low fertility".  I felt the burning in my chest and my eyes.  I waited for her to tell me that it was ok, that it was just below 'normal', but she didn't.  She explained that I was in the lower half of the low band.  So that the frick does that mean?

IVF is still going ahead, but our bill has gone up as I will need higher doses of stim meds.  And it is only now I realise just how much these drugs cost.  Would it be cheaper to get a crack habit?

To make matters worse, my tummy is still really sore.  The swelling is going down, but it is still really tender.  I ventured out in the car earlier to take DJ to nursery and I've been really uncomfortable all day since.  I have to get through it because I have to get back to uni on Monday and that is an hours drive each way and sitting through hours of lectures.

I'm staying hopeful...  What option do I have?  I can feel the hormones kicking in.  AF will be here in about a week.  So I warn you, there may be tears for a while.  BUT, as soon as AF has arrived, I'm becoming super focused on this cycle.  SO take that IF!