What have I done to deserve the hate of my uterus and ovaries?

Dear Womanly Organs of Mine, 

You have caused me YEARS of pain, please could you kindly tell me how I can make this stop?  I have tried everything - I have been put through the menopause TWICE (and had to put up with all that this involves - WARNING LADIES, it is not pretty; hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and weight gain), I have had a couple of laparoscopies, I have taken all concoctions of pain relief and anti-inflammatories (admittedly, some of these were not so bad) - but yet you insist on causing me nothing but discomfort at best, but mostly agonising pain. 

Doctors told me that the last stretch of the Zoladex (the lovely drug stabbed into my tummy to induce the menopause) would allow you to sleep for 6/7 months.  You are supposed to wake up feeling energised, new and PAIN FREE!  What happened?  Why haven't you done this?

Since finishing the Zoladex I have tried to ignore your niggling rumblings of what I know is there.  I know that you are covered in endometrial tissue, and I know that you aren't supposed to be.  But I have tried to help you.  I promise, this journey has been harder on me than it has on you.

I know that the pain is probably out of your control, but I would really appreciate a couple of days off.  A day where I could love my husband without tears of pain and sadness, a day where I can enjoy wrestling with my little boy without knowing that I am going to have to stop before I pass out... Please, just one day!

I am asking a lot of you - I understand that you have to make me suffer a little bit, I guess I must have done something that made the endo take hold as much as it has done.  But please realise that you are not the only one affected - my bowel is now suffering, my stomach seems to be joining in the list, and they seem to think that it is moving upwards towards my lung cavity.  I know that you probably don't care, but I really do.  I can't take much more.

Perhaps there is a compromise here - I will not ask this of you again if you just hold onto any embryos that I offer you.  I think that this is a small job for you, and I promise that I will live with whatever you throw at me in the future.

Your suffering servant

Me xx

Christmas Wonderland, but back to Earth with a thud

Merry Christmas to you all!  I know that I am a little late (I like to call it fashionably making an entrance) but the thoughts are there.  I am looking forward to seeing the back of 2010, and welcoming 2011 with open arms.  I know that many people will share me in this too, though there is a few people in Twitter-verse that are ending 2010 with fantastic BFPs!!!!  I couldn't be happier for them if I tried (which I will of course!)

This Christmas has been wonderful.  DJ is just the perfect age to share the fun and joy of the whole occasion.  Yes, he did get very excited about the presents, but on Christmas Day night, as we laid in bed for our story and cuddle, he said that he has had "the best day ever because I got to see ALL my family!".  I am so pleased that he did manage to see all the people that he loves on the day.  My Mum and Dad acted as hosts to everyone - me, hubby and DJ, my littlest brother, my little brother (minus his new wife - I will explain in a bit), my little sister, my Nan and my mother- and father-in-law.  It was the Christmas I had wanted for DJ and I know that he loved every minute of sharing the day with the people that love him most and who he loves in return!

It started late - yes, I know that next year and the many after that will be earlier starts - but DJ stayed in bed until 9.10am.  This NEVER happens, but maybe Santa used a little too much sleepy dust on him the night before.  His little face when he saw the piles of presents under the tree was truly beautiful!

The rest of the day was fantastic - great food and great family.  I hope that you all had equally amazing days.

Boxing Day was spent round my in-laws, so we could share presents.  I hadn't wanted DJ to get them all on the one day.  Otherwise Boxing Day can seem a bit of an anti-climax.  DJ spent the day asking when we were going to get the boxes and what did we have to do with them.  Maybe next year I will get extra big boxes - rather than Boxing Day, we can have Boxes Day.  Hahaha, the naivety of little ones always makes me smile.

I have been thoroughly spoilt.  I know that hubby worked really hard scouring the internet for bargains to make the most of the measly budgets that we had this year.

But as with all good things, they must end.  Christmas Day was tarnished by the sadness I could see in my little brother's eyes.  He only got married in April and he is serving in the RAF.  I am exceptionally proud of him - he always knew that he wanted to fly, he worked hard to achieve his dream and now he does what he wants every day (well the days there is operational helicopters available, a grumble I'll save for days away from my blog!).  On his wedding day he looked so happy.  We all had our reservations, but as the day drew closer we all knew that if this is what he wants and what was going to make him happy, we would all share this with him.

However, first impressions are seldom wrong! My SIL (though it pains me to call her that) has decided that she only likes being married to my brother when he is away in Afghanistan or other away posting!  She has basically married my brother for the military life.  She once told me that being married to an officer in the RAF was like being a WAG, and she has finally achieved this status which leaves my brother only required for adding funds to the bank account!

I spoke to my brother today.  He has a week off after just coming home from a training exercise.  He sounds so hurt.  I am his big sister, I want to take this away from him.  I offered to call the 'Beetch' (more appropriate than SIL), but do I say?  Any tips would be welcomed!  Do I shout at her and tell her to get out of my brother's life, so he can move on and be happy?  Do I ask her to at least talk to my brother, to tell him why she suddenly can't stand being with him?  Just what do I say?  Please someone help!

I know that she has been cheating, my brother knows that she has.  He knows that marriage is something that needs forgiveness at times, patience most of the time and love all of the time.  She however, does not! :(

Well, now I have had a little tearful rant, I bid you 'Good Night' until the next time!

IVF - We're coming ready or not!!!

So yesterday, I had one last question for DJ (my gorgeous little boy) - are you excited about Christmas?  Of course the answer was a resounding YES, and then he went on to tell me what he would like for Christmas.  Now when I asked this question of him a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted drums, a flute and a piano. (he just adores music).  Did he want any toys?  No - "I have lots of toys and I don't have anywhere to put new ones Mummy".  Yes, i know, my little boy is very cute!  However, last night, cuddled up looking at the Christmas tree, he asked if he could have a brother for Christmas.  The second after was an awkward moment of silence until I tried to explain that Santa can't bring babies and that it needs a Mummy and Daddy to have enough love to make a baby.  I know that this may not be the right explanation - it isn't very inclusive, it isn't actually all that accurate, but it was the best i could do at the time!

as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time.  But the question did make me think about the next step.  Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life?  Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for?  And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.

We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision.  We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.

I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby.  I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me?  She already has a child and i only want one?  I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me.  I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet.  I know how lucky I am.  I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.

If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year.  Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.

Exams are OVER!!! :0)

I have been stuck revising -  I haven't been neglecting you. In fact, I have had lots of times I wanted to write, but just couldn't find the time.

AF finally disappeared!  At last, the first shower after her departure was fantastic.

My LO has been really poorly.  He just can't shake his infection.  He's on his 2nd lots of antibiotics, I just hope that this lot work!  Because he had a chest and ear infection he wasn't allowed to have his MRI scan on Monday.  Instead, they have rescheduled it for the 10th January.  They did try to say the 11th which would have meant we needed to cancel our appointment with the fertility clinic and February was their next available appointment! I was very relieved to see they changed it again for the day before.

Seeing the fertility clinic has become more important to me.  I saw the consultant on Tuesday, and they are not feeling very optimistic that the Zoladex injections have been any use at all.  I have had 6 months of hot flushes, mid-life spread (I have nothing to wear any more) and the hell of going through the menopause at 29/30, yet it was all for nothing.  NOTHING!!!!  I am too numb to cry, yet I have so many tears in my heart.  I can feel them, I want to share them with the world, but they are stuck somewhere.

The thing is I knew, deep down I knew that it wasn't working.  I have been having pains throughout, I have known that there was something still needing sorting.  I asked what this means for our plans for another baby, the look they gave me said more than the words.  I am still going to the fertility clinic in January, I'm still looking for someone that has some hope.  I am not sure what I'll do if they say this is a dream and nothing more.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, until then, I lie in bed at night thinking about how it would feel to have a baby in my tummy, how I would tell people I was having a baby, what they would look like, what we would call them.  I seem to like to torture myself with this, but I need to have this to get me through.  It's better than the alternative they have given me - a hysterectomy! Getting rid of everything that makes me a woman, everything that makes me ME!

Just a quick post - I'm officially OLD :0(

I'm just taking a 5 minute break from essay writing (I seem to have been doing the same thing for as long as I can remember) to share with you details of my last visit to the bathroom.  Hahaha, now before you start thinking this is going to be too much information for a Saturday morning, it is nothing like you think!

I have just found a grey hair!!!!


I know I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago, I know that this is nothing of major significance to my hubby who merely laughed and said 'wait until you have this many', but to me, it's a big deal.

The worse thing was that it was right at the front.  I daren't look further, should I?  Should I know what I am looking forward to over the coming weeks and months?  I don't dye my hair, should I start?  How do they suddenly appear?  Honestly, how could I have not seen this before?

All these questions over such a small thing.

For now, BYE!
x

So she's finally arrived...now I want her gone :0(

Warning - this may be TMI for some...especially any male readers!

After 6 months or so of no AF, then for her to arrive this morning was a relief.  However, that was until the dizziness, the pains and the heavy feeling in my legs started.  I had forgotten just how horrid this was!  And though I know that this is a good sign, one that I need to start the next stage of Project Baby #2, I wish it could be a week or two ago, or later.  I have so much to do at uni and at home that I can't afford anytime to be poorly and feel sorry for myself (which is all I actually want to do).

I have been having the tell-tale pains for a few weeks now, and each time I thought it was then.  I have had really sore boobs, and I've been feeling like I am holding back the tears all the time.  I should have known, but since having been put through the torture of the menopause for over 6 months, I seem to have lost all knowledge of who and what I am, what my body is doing and why.  What a pathetic excuse for a woman I am right now!

Well now that I have passed the nasty bits, I want to share with you some good news.  But news which I am hoping people might be able to help me with...

I have decided what to do my dissertation on next year.  I want to start soon though as I want to do it justice, because it is a topic that means a lot to me, and hopefully to you reading this - infertility!  I am always surprised by people's responses to the issue - from complete denial (usually those early in diagnosis or having not been affected themselves), anger, fear, misunderstanding, impatience, the list is endless.  I personally know that I have kept this a secret from everyone apart from my parents and my in-laws.  I am not ashamed, I am not embarrassed, but I just didn't feel strong enough for the questions, the reactions that people may have that didn't understand.  I really admire those on Twitter that share all their experiences with their friends.  I wish I could, but I have always been quite reclusive and this is just too much to share with people that I have purposely isolated myself from more and more as their number of children increases!

I love all everyone who shares my journey through this painful and emotional hell that is TTC and IF on Twitter.  I know that I wouldn't have managed with the last few months without you all.  I wish that I could have found you years before, but then I'm not sure if you were there then?

I want to understand people's reactions, both fertiles and infertiles. I want to be able to help.  I have always done this through knowledge, so this is why I am doing this!  Hopefully I won't disappoint!

Well, back to some uni work (will this ever end?)

xxx

Poorly germs - just go away!

Well, despite my best intentions, my blog has been neglected once again, but I hope you realise that this is for the right reasons - I've got uni essay deadlines having over me, I have a poorly computer but most importantly I have a very poorly little boy.

It started with a cough, but now there is sickness and no sleeping - a visit to the doctor confirmed that he has tonsillitis and a chest infection.  The poor little poppet though, because this has happened when we have the heaviest snow I've ever seen.  I know he's poorly because he hasn't asked to go out, or to go to nursery or even play with his toys.  I hate to see his pain, and I'm not sure that my washing machine can cope with the amount of washing that I am having to put through it at the moment.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the antibiotics clear it in time for his MRI scan in a couple of weeks time.  He has to have a general anaesthetic (yes, I am already loosing sleep over this) and they won't do it while he is poorly.  I desperately wanted it done a couple of weeks before Christmas so that I can then pamper him and not look like I'm spoiling him too close to Christmas itself.  Oh well, if that is how it is, then so be it...you can judge me if you like.

This week has been stressful - not just the whole uni deadline thing, but trying to get myself organised for the upcoming pre-treatment consultation in January.  I have now made an appointment in a few weeks time with the GP for all the blood tests for me and DH.  Not looking forward to them as my veins hate letting go of the red stuff, but all in the cause of Project Baby #2.

My friends 19 year old daughter had her little boy last week.  He is tiny and very cute, but I do have that feeling of 'why not me?' every time I see her post another pic on FB or I see her (she lives next door to my MIL, so there is little chance of avoidance).  I am not focusing on 2011 - it will be my year, it will be my turn. It will also be the turn of all my gorgeous Twitter TTC lovelies.

Bring on 2011!