My sister replies...

On my return from our couple of days away, I saw a handwritten letter sat on the doormat - my sister's handwriting.

I decided to not open it for a few days because I wanted to enjoy thinking about spending time with my little boy rather than think about what she had to say.

But I opened it last night... I won't share everything, but here goes some of the highlights:

Dear Dawn,


I'm not sure where to start.  I haven't contacted you because I am embarrassed about how I told you about the baby.  I didn't think.  I should have been more sensitive, I'm sorry.


Mark and I weren't planning this baby, though we had talked about it in our future.  I know how you feel.  I know what it is like to want a baby and someone else is pregnant, though I know I haven't had to inject myself to get pregnant.


I am here for you when you are ready.


Love you


S
xxx


As you can imagine, there are a few mixed feelings about this response:

1. I know that her intention was to be sympathetic, but S, you have NO idea what it is like to want a baby and see other people pregnant.  Especially when the other people are like you and fall pregnant by 'accident' without any effort.  It is more than just the injections, the scans, the hormones...  It is the emotional investment, pain and heart break that fertility treatment involves.
2. Yes, you should have been more sensitive about how you told me about being pregnant.  Grabbing the phone off Mum and saying that you had just been to the hospital with M (then boyfriend) because you had not started your period, and you were pregnant.  But the point of your conversation was to moan that Mum hadn't given you the money to pay M to take you to the hospital!!!  Firstly, he is working full-time so should pay his own petrol money.  Secondly, if he is man enough to make a baby, then he should take responsibility and this involves driving you to the hospital if needs be.
3. You really cannot compare your situation with mine.  Never try, this is a greater insult than you know.

I am not sure what to do with this now.

Do I just ignore it?  Do I ask Mum to tell her thanks for the letter and I will be in touch soon?

I hate my life at the moment.  I hate waking up everyday and knowing that I have to live this.

Thankful Thursday returns

After a break because of exams, revision and illness, my Thankful Thursday post is back.

I'm actually writing this a day early because on Thursday I am away.  And that is what I am thankful for this week...my little brother.

He is in the RAF and has had a pretty awful year with his short-lived marriage breaking up, needing to move house and going out to Afghanistan.  Yet despite this, he still thought about me, hubby and DJ.

He knows money is just not existent at the moment for us, and a holiday is completely beyond reach, so he invited us to share the Family Day at his base this Thursday.  DJ will be able to explore the helicopter that my brother flies, and there is a range of family activities for us on the day.

Without him, we would be stuck in this house, with the memories and the torment.  Instead, we are going to take a couple of days away and remember what it is like to have a giggle and smile.

Dear Sister

After being unable to find the words to say to my sister, I decided that I should send her a letter to hopefully explain why I have not been in touch.  It went something like this...

Dear S


I just wanted to let you know why I haven't been around lately.  I know that I should probably do this face-to-face, but right now I just can't and I hope by the end of this letter you realise why.


I know that you are having a bit of a tough time with M.  I desperately want to be there for you, but at the moment, I need to sort myself out before I can be strong enough to help you and others.


Please know I am really happy for you - as long as you are happy, that is all I need to know.  But at the moment, I am still caught up in my pain and heartbreak.  I struggle to live each day.  My grief has stolen my smiles and my ability to share happiness.  I can barely leave the house in case I stumble across another baby bump or newborn.  I live knowing what should have been, and so I am trying to avoid any reminders of that, until I am able to cope.


I just want you to know that I think about you lots.  I have always loved you, and will always do so.  I want you to be happy and as soon as I can I will be there for you as much as you need me.


I hope this explains how it is at the moment.  Please forgive me.


All my love


xxx


Let's just hope there is no bad fall out...  Only time will tell

WTF appointment

On Tuesday was the dreaded day of our WTF appointment - the review appointment with the clinic following from our last IVF/ICSI cycle.

It was a day filled with memories and emotions - 5 years earlier I had been at the same clinic, in the same room waiting for my 1st down reg scan, plus it was the day I should have been celebrating being 16 weeks pregnant with my babies.

My sister had been for her scan on Monday and filled Facebook with the pics of her growing baby.  It turns out she is 11 weeks).

Mr H was lovely.  He is always so gentle and compassionate.  He recognised how much loosing our babies has hurt us, but he was positive and kept talking about the future.

We explained that the future is a little uncertain...we have no money, we have no way of getting any, and we are not sure we ever will.

It seems that my low AMH is not a concern, I just need higher stims (which of course means more money), my egg quality is good, hubby's swimmers are good, and he sees no reason why another cycle would end in the same way as it did this time.

For now we just have to try and save money and mend our hearts to see if we can ever go back to the clinic with a view to starting this whole thing again.

In the meantime, he is referring me to the gynae clinic to monitor my endo.  I have to stay on BCPs for a few months and then I'll be scanned again to check how that endometrioma has changed if at all.

I know I should have come out of the appointment more positive.  I did.  But I can't stop the feeling that the appointment shouldn't have happened.  I should have been able to hold onto my babies.  I should be at the hospital for a scan to check my babies, not some blood-filled, pain-causing mess inside me.

Facebook and Twitter break

I can't lie...my heart is still broken.

I just can't seem to come to terms with the loss of our babies.

I have noticed though that I can cope better with my own feelings when I am away from Twitter and Facebook.

I have been away due to my revision and exams, and for the first time in a very long time, I haven't missed it.  And when I logged onto to each, the tears just flowed.

Please don't judge me.  But I just can't handle seeing my little sister's scan pics, my friends pregnancy updates and bump pics on Facebook.  I can't cope with seeing my Tweeties start on their IVF cycles, knowing that I can't do the same.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish them all the best.  I want everyone to know the love and joy of being a parent, especially those that have endured so much pain on the way.

I feel awful, but I need to protect myself.  I need to stay away until I can come to terms with my own feelings.

I'm not sure how long this will take.  I will still be blogging.  I hope that this gives me the place to document my recovery from the depth of this heartbreak.

Uniforms and shoes

The countdown is on... just 2 weeks left of having a little boy.  Two weeks until DJ starts school.

This week we've bought his school shoes (wow £38!!!!), tops, jumpers and trousers.  Just a few last pieces to get and then he's set.

I have such mixed feelings about it all.  I love seeing him grow up and develop.  I know he's ready to go (he's been ready for a few months).  But it's also filled with sadness that my baby is no more, instead I have a big boy.

For the next 2 weeks I plan to make the most of the time we have together.

I'm back!!!

After a forced break thanks to those dreaded uni exams, I am thrilled to say that they are done!!!!!

Last week was a nightmare - 4 exams in 5 days, hubby bed-bound, DJ staying with his Nanna.  It was horrible.  All I wanted was a hug from someone who loved me, but I felt completely alone.

As grateful as I was for my MIL looking after DJ for nearly all week, I missed him more than I could bare.  Hubby barely spoke to me, and no-one called me (apart from DJ) to ask me how I was getting on.

I had a total of 12 hours sleep over the whole week, and I'm still exhausted.  Plus the stress has left with a stinking cold which now means I can't sleep because I can't breathe.

Sorry for sounding like a moaning Minnie - but that's it now.  They are done for now, and now just to wait for the results in a few weeks time.

Until then I have my little boy with me all the time now.  He's not at nursery and every day is a 'home day' before he starts school in September.

I have much to blog about, but for now, I'm just rebuilding myself after the strain of last week.

Missed you and see you soon xxx