Happy 8th anniversary

Today is my 8th anniversary.

The days and years since my wedding day have been filled with so much love and for that I am so very thankful.

In 8 years, S and I have learned to love each other more and more.  We have faced some challenges, but we always face them together to come through the other end.

Overall, the 8 years have been filled with more smiles than tears - I'm not sure many marriages can say that.

There are some things which we had hoped to achieve by today... about family, careers, health... which still elude us and are on our 'to do' list.  Yet despite that, we are blessed with each other, DJ and lots of love.

So today, my message is...  Once you find love, hold onto it with both hands.  Sometimes it will be difficult, but when you manage it, it makes the tough times seem so worthwhile.

Happy anniversary, S, my husband and my best friend.  xxxx

A late Thankful Thursday

I've been a bit neglectful of my blog generally, and my Thankful Thursdays in particular.

I'm really struggling to stay awake and find the time and energy to do anything more than the housework, looking after DJ and everything else.

I know it's a day late - I'm sorry.  I did intend to get here yesterday, but alas I failed.

This week I am just want to say thanks for fresh air.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, but bare with me...

Walking DJ to and from school everyday has given me the chance to take 10/15 minutes to myself.  I'm getting some exercise, though not much, and I am enjoying breathing deeply in the fresh air of the countryside.

At this time of year, I have no hayfever.  I can enjoy being outside without struggling to breathe.

I live in a little village.  Yes - it is on the edge of a large town, and it is busy in itself.  BUT where we live it is quiet and peaceful.  I walk to the school by the path running along the back of the school playing field and the church.

I see no cars for most of the walk, and I can hear the birds, the wind rustle the trees and the buzzing of little insects.

In those few minutes between my house and the school gate, I feel alone, and it feels nice.

Tears at bedtime

After my post last night, I was extremely unsettled.  The tears started and wouldn't stop.

Several hours later, hubby and I hope we have cleared the air.

I don't like who I am.  I've got so much anger and hatred for life at the moment.  I'm convinced that I have lost the ability to love and care.

I just hope this gets better soon.  Please let me find me again

Doubts

Do you ever have those days/weeks when you face everything with doubt?

Well, I'm having one of those moments.  I'll admit it has been brewing for a little while.  I don't know what triggered it, but it is definitely there.

I doubt myself all the time - can I actually do well at uni in my 3rd and final year?  Am I a good Mummy to DJ?  Can I overcome the tough moments to make my marriage work?  Do I have the energy or the will to make the effort when things seems tough?

For example, today I spent most of the day on my own collecting a new bed for DJ.  I came home and though I had a nice couple of hours when I got home, at tea time, everything went wrong...  I hate that I can't emotionally engage with hubby at the moment, and this seems to be having some knock on effects to everything else.

I have tried speaking to him, but I don't think that he fully understands what I am trying to say.  Perhaps because I don't know what I'm trying to say either.

I've been here before.  I sink into this self-hating, self-doubting mess from time-to-time.  Let's just see how I get myself out of this one.

xxx

Late but this week's Thankful Thursday...

I feel pretty stupid this morning to realise that I had written this, but just not published it - ooops!

I'm sorry to mention it again, but this week's thanks goes to my little DJ.  I promise I will try to not mention it much more (I've created a separate blog for my posts about him, so not to keep mentioning him here - I hate to upset others).

This week has been such a big step for my little man, yet he has handled it with grace and a smile.  I could have been a blubbering wreck, as some of the other Mums have been, but instead, DJ has made dropping him off each day easy.

He runs in with a smile on his face, and I know that he is happy.

But I am especially thankful for the smile I get when he sees me waiting for him at the gate.  His little face lights up and he runs towards me, so excited and so loving.

Thank you DJ.  Mummy and Daddy are very proud of you and we love you so very much xxx

My busy week

Hello there!

Sorry I have been MIA for a week or so, but life has been pretty hectic around here.

DJ started school on Monday, I've started a blog dedicated to DJ (to keep him away from the ugliness that is me at the moment), I got my uni exam results back and I have been generally trying to juggle everything without a catastrophic mess around me.

First things first, I cannot talk about this week without mentioning how unbelievably proud of DJ I am.  Every afternoon this week he has walked straight into school like he is years older.  He loves it and I am really proud of how he has made the transition into being a big boy.

I have been faced with a mix of emotions - my little boy is growing up faster than I am ready for him to.  But despite this, I am hugely proud of his cheery approach to life and all it has to offer.  I think he could teach many of us a lesson about life and how to smile!

In the excitement of DJ starting school, I had forgotten about the release of my exams results yesterday.  That was until I had a text from my MIL asking how I had got on!!!  Bless her!

I was thrilled that I managed to get a 1st overall for the year, which is a great start for going into my 3rd year. I just need to knuckle down and get focused.

As is always the case with me, I was a very disappointed with myself over one of my exam results.  But I know where I need to improve, and I promise myself I will do better.  Plus, it hasn't knocked my mark down too much.  Yes, I know I am very self-critical, but this is how I strive for improvement!


Finally, despite a shaky start this morning (or should I say a shouty start?) it has ended on a positive.  I have just received an email about a volunteering opportunity which I have been waiting to hear about for a while.  I'm just waiting for the training dates and then it's all systems go!!!!  I just hope that I can find the time to fit it all in.

All in all, a good week...

xxx