Exhaustion

I'm not sure whether it is the time of the year or the amount of uni work I have piled up around me, but for a couple of months, I have been beyond exhausted.  I am actually more tired than I was when DJ was born!

I wake up tired, and by midday my eyes feel like burning coals.  I can't think.  I can't function.

I decided that it was probably just an iron thing.  Anaemia is not new for me, though it is usually linked to endo and heavy periods.  Since being on the Pill, heavy bleeding isn't really an issue (one blessing I suppose), but I still hoped that they could draw some blood, and prescribe me a tablet.  Problem solved!

NO!

My doctor decided to run billions of tests (yes a small exaggeration, but when there are 8 vials of blood being taken, it might as well be that many for me).  And I am hopefully back tomorrow for the results.  I am still pinning hopes on the low iron levels, but I have a sneaky feeling nothing will come back abnormal and I will be told nothing.

I know stress can do this.  But I've had periods of depression before and never felt this drained.

Perhaps I need a good night's sleep?  Or just to not get out of bed for a week?

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow brings some good news and a magic pill to make me feel more human!

Touching a nerve

I have just read a beautiful post by a wonderful blogger missohkay.  Each post is touching and genuine, I thoroughly recommend!

The above post has touched a nerve today.  Everything mentioned is just how I feel recently, but I realise that I have brought this upon myself.

I too am introverted, and my entry into social media was to spend time with like-minded people who could support each other through the difficult times and share the elation of the occasion good news, because I have no-one in my real-life circle of friends who I could do this with (about infertility at least).  In fact, due to infertility, I have become more and more isolated from others, to the point where it is nothing more than a Christmas card exchange and occasional Facebook message.

It almost became an addiction.  My time spent interacting with real people (like my hubby) dropped and there was a lot of charging of my mobile phone to spend more time on Twitter!

But when we entered into the last IVF cycle I realised that I was actually quite alone.  Submerging myself in this Twitterverse had made me become nothing more than an infertile.  I suppose I felt that way already (hadn't that been why I sought something to help?), but now I realised that we are all there with our own problems and issues and I wasn't comfortable sharing my own story.

I feel bad for this... I should give more credit to the gorgeous people in this network.  If they didn't want to help me when I needed them, then they wouldn't!  But I panicked.  And I turned to my stock-response when I panic - I closed off from everything.

At the time this was ok.  I convinced myself it was so I could focus on the cycle.  But from this point it has never been the same for me.

This is not a reflection on anyone else (crikey, I sound like I'm breaking up with you!).  People are still there.  But I don't think I am.

And now, after reading the post, I have realised that I haven't been there for others as much as I would have liked.  I have read posts and doubted that they would want my comment in return.

Oh FFS!  Grow some Balls, Dawn!  I realise how this sounds.  But right now I am filled with so much self-doubt...

I suppose my message is that I'm sorry.  If I follow you on Twitter or your blog, then I do follow your journey.  Even when I am quiet, I am not ignoring you.

When did Twitter-relationships become so much more than just a name on a screen?

Seeing you soon

I'm not really sure why, but I have been missing from my blog and Twitter for a while.  To be honest, thinking about it, I do know why...  I've run out of words, feelings and energy.

Everyday is a battle to stay awake, to make it through the next hour.  I've not just excluded myself from my online support network, but I have also excluded myself from friends, family and myself.

I can barely function as a person any more - uni, IF, endo crap, family....

I know that so many people are feeling this way.  I'm sorry for feeling this way.

I wish I could think of what to say.  I wish I could kick myself up the backside, but in all honesty, lifting my leg that high seems an impossibility (haha)

I'll see you soon, when I have something nice to share.  When I can lift my fingers to type.  When I am not lost within the mess and darkness of myself.

Ending a terrible week

Well, after the rubbish news my hubby decided to deliver to me this week, we have really struggled as a couple. For me, it is about how he can change his mind so suddenly, without warning, when it was him that pushed forward for adoption.  For him, it is understanding how I can be so stuck on having another child.

I know that I have never seen myself without my hubby.  We have managed to get through so much, and yet this is one of the biggest struggles facing our relationship.  I don't want to place another child before my marriage - would I want another child without my hubby there with me? - but I cannot give up on the hope that I will have another child.

I am so confused and I seem to have handled this with ignorance...  I'm completely not thinking about what he has said, in fact in my head, if I am to be completely honest I am convinced he will change his mind.  Though in all the years we have been together, I think I know that this is not a decision he will step back from easily.  Am I right to stay deluded?  Am I just prolonging the pain?  But I can't face the future without that hope, and that dream.

I sound pathetic, and SOOOOO child-like, but I keep playing over and over in my mind the times he said "I promise we will have another child one day, whatever we have to do to get there..."  HE PROMISED!  Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a toddler.  But when such a word is precious in a relationship, then why would he go back on it?

His timing couldn't be worse.  I had to go and see my consultant on Friday.  The outcome was not great - it seems that the IVF drugs have kicked started the endo again, and I am booked to have my second laparoscopy this year!  This is becoming ridiculous - I have more scars on my tummy button and surrounding area than I should, and it seems I will be getting another one to join the gang in December.

Before then though I have to make a proper start on my dissertation - oh, yeah, hubby also winded me on that front... my dissertation is about infertility, so I have no choice but to surround myself in details of cycles and the pain it causes - someone remind me why I wanted to tackle this topic?

So as it stands today, the only way I can survive is by being completely delusional about my relationship and about whether we will have more children.  I am tired of this pain, and just wish that someone, somewhere had a spare hundred thousand pounds or so...is money the answer?  Yes, for now I actually think that it is...

When you hit rock bottom, there's an abyss open up

Yesterday my world collapsed around me.

I have been keeping a big secret from you, mostly because there was such a long way to go and I wasn't sure what I was allowed to say - but we decided that we were going to extend our family through adoption.

We had spoken about it for a very long time.  Each time we mentioned it, we were both filled with excitement and we soon realised that this was how we wanted to have more children.

When we applied, there were setbacks - mostly because we had fertility treatment this year - but we knew we had to be patient and this was just one of many obstacles which would present itself.

But this last week, hubby has been suffering again, and has been in bed for a lot of time.  It gave him time to think, and I suppose this made the timing of yesterday's phone call from the agency harder.  Basically, hubby is concerned that he would fail the medical, the agency would want us to wait another 6 months because of our IVF (this is their second moving of our application) and DJ needs to be 5 (which he will be in May) before we can think about registering our interest again.

So we have taken the first few steps and then told to hold back - what is this?  Are we not good enough?

Hubby then dropped the bomb-shell that he didn't think he could cope with trying for another child.  No adoption.  No IVF (should we managed to find £6,000 on the street).  Nothing.

So here I am today, with fresh pain, no sleep and floods of tears not knowing where my life is going any more.  Today I am struggling to cope with living and if it weren't for DJ I don't dare think about where I would be.

Today, my heart has been ripped out and my soul left torn.  I thought I was on a path WITH my husband.  Instead I am now feeling very alone.