So the waiting continues

Even though I have taken a couple of tests and they have both come back as BFP, I am still scared.

I have cramps.  I keep feeling nauseous and I just hope that's a good sign.

My scan is 13th June, so just over 2 weeks to go.

I'm hoping I can start to get on with my revision next week, and this weekend is DJ's 4th birthday.

Please hurry up days and embies - hold on!!!!!

Official test day

OK, it is actually a day early, but the clinic advised me to take my home pregnancy test a day early.

So armed with my Clear Blue pregnancy test, at 6am I POAS.

And it was there - the positive result!  The test came back positive.  OMG - I think I'm pregnant!!!

But I am still filled with fear.  I've got cramps.  I just hope that means my little embryo(s) are snuggling in.

I wish the clinic did a confirmation blood test, but in their wisdom they don't do this anymore.  Instead I have to analyse and scrutinise home pregnancy tests!

For today, I am going to be happy!

I'm such a fool :(

Today I am 9 days past transfer, and as I went at 6pm to take my pessary, there was brown on the toilet paper.

Instantly, I burst into tears!  Today I had allowed myself to be positive.  I'd let myself believe that this could work.  I let myself believe that I could be pregnant.

As I saw the spotting, I felt stupid and foolish.  I hated myself for the pain that I had caused myself.

I immediately dashed to the nearest pregnancy test.  I POAS and no second line appeared.

At this moment, my heart just broke.  I couldn't bare the pain.

Hubby consoled me.  Despite wanting to just lie there for the rest of time, I knew DJ needed me and would be curious where I was.  So a quick splash of water and I prepared my 'happy' face.  Just then hubby called me and told me to come and have a look.

There it was, the VERY faint second line.  It was there, so it gave me the faintest glimmer of hope too.

I will POAS tomorrow morning and see what happens.  Until then, please hold on little ones.  I can't bare to know you have gone.

Waiting.... will it end?

The strain of the 2 week wait is unbearable.

I'm half way there and I can feel myself crumbling under the pressure.

I probably haven't helped myself by ordering pregnancy tests which arrived this morning.

Hold on little embies - PLEASE

Uni exams

The meds has had a terrible effect on my concentration.  I can hardly stay awake, and the doctors agreed that perhaps sitting my exams over the next couple weeks would not be the most advisable.

So I have been signed off uni for a couple of weeks, and I will be sitting my exams in August.

It is a relief, but I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being able to do all this.  I suppose I have to give in to somethings.

For now, I need to know my embies are looked after.

I'm home to 2 beautiful embies!

So I am officially PUPO with twins!

I had a little bit of a poorly tummy this morning.  Nerves seem to have got the better of me.

We walked into the theatre and there was a picture of 2 little embryos.  They were ours!!!!

The embryologist explained that we only had 2 embryos suitable for transfer and none had developed enough to make the freeze.  I was tinged with sadness that my little embryos didn't make it, but this was no different to last time, expect that we had a 3 day transfer.  So we regained our smiles, and concentrated all our efforts on making our 2 remaining embryos feel welcome!

The procedure was uncomfortable but not too bad.  The nurse and doctor were wonderful and cheery, which I think is so important.

Apparently, I have a lovely uterus!  (Shush, you are making me blush!)  My lining was nice and thick.  And then we saw our 2 little embryos get gentle pushed into what we hope will be their home for the next 8 months!!!

So here I am taking some bed rest for the next day or so.  I am taking it easy.  This needs to work.

Hold on little embies xxx

Embryo update!

This morning we had a little update on our little embryos.

We got the call about lunchtime - why does there have to be soooo much waiting?

The embryologist sounded cheerful when she called, so I was hopeful.

My embryos are doing really well.  All 8 are still growing!  2 are even a day ahead of their expected development.

At this moment, I am so excited.  I would love to have some embryos to freeze, but to have 2 suitable for transfer is the aim.

So everything is set for embryo transfer on Sunday.

PLEASE keep growing little ones.

Fertilisation report is in!

At exactly 8am the phone rang!

The embryologist made some gentle small talk and made sure I was ok.  Then the moment came - the blunt details of the fertilisation of my eggs.

So out of 12 eggs, 10 were suitable for ICSI, and this morning 8 had fertilised!

8!!!!!

I had aimed for 7 (this was how many I had from my successful IVF cycle) but we had a bonus one!

So now we have to wait until Friday morning (day 3).

So I can breathe a little sigh of relief.  For now, this is going brilliantly!

Egg collection!

First I need to apologise for me long absence.  After my trigger shot, I hid away from all things internet.  I couldn't cope with the strength of the emotions and I knew that I would be analysing every feeling.  I needed to hide away from Dr Google as much as I could!

But I did write for you my diary - here we are...

Today was egg collection.

We stayed away overnight so we could get to the clinic early.  As I had said before, hubby hasn't been well, so on the morning, it was decided that we would see what the frozen sperm was like before he tried to give a fresh sample.  It was a tough decision - one that hubby still is worried about and ashamed of.  No consolation will ease the disappointment he has in himself.

They collected 12 eggs!  Yay!  This was my target.  I'm not one for superstition but I did know that my successful cycle was after they collected 12 eggs.  So this was a great sign.

We met with the embryologist before we left.  They felt that they needed to use ICSI to give us the best chance with the frozen sperm, so all was agreed.

So now I am resting.  I always struggle with the sedation they use.  But I will be awake early tomorrow as I will be getting my fertilisation report around 8am.

So all I can do is hope.

Last stim injection - done!

This morning was another trip to my clinic for a monitoring scan.  I was a little concerned about my biggest follie as I had felt a 'pop' on my left ovary on Thursday night, but everything is still going well.  The 18 follies are still growing well and I have some tiny ones that are trying to make a late appearance in the show.  But as it turns out, they won't have time to make it.  Because tonight is my last Gonal-F injection!

That means that this time tomorrow I will have injected my trigger shot and the 36 hour countdown to egg collection starts!!!!

I wasn't expecting this news.  I thought there would be another monitoring on Monday with egg collection probably Wednesday, but it seems that I am responding to the drugs better than before.

So this afternoon has been a flurry of organisation (this is me at my happiest - organising and being in control of something!).  Monday night we're spending a night in a hotel close to the clinic.  DJ is spending the night with MIL and FIL and they will pick us up from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon (since hubby can't drive).

I still know that there is a long way to go between egg collection and embryo transfer.  Especially with hubby being so poorly at the moment, we don't know whether we are going to have to resort to plan B and use our frozen swimmers (a reassuring back-up, but unknown territory for us).  But if we do manage to get good embryos, I think that transfer will be Friday.  So I've arranged DJ to spend the weekend with my parents.

I've managed to keep this a secret from everyone (apart from you, and my in-laws who have been the purse behind this adventure).  But I'm not sure how long I can keep this from my Mum.  I have planned how I will tell her when I get my BFP (which I'm optimistically focusing on) so I don't want to have to tell her before then.

So for now, I am concentrating on Tuesday.  Monday will be nice - my drug-free day!  The nerves are setting in but instead of worrying about all the potential problems with the cycle, I am focusing on getting that positive result.

I'm not sure timing is great though - my 2ww will end on DJs birthday and this is right in the middle of my exams.  In one way, this is excellent, whatever the result, I will be busy with other things.  But... Nah, I'm not thinking about that for now.  I'll have a whole 2 weeks to ponder about that.

My first Thankful Thursday and IVF update

Yesterday, last night and this morning saw me sadder than I have been for a while.  I had a massive fall out with hubby which forced us to face feelings that we had been hiding from for a while.  Everything is ok, but I think that the combination of drugs and back pain made me emotional, so when a discussion came up I just couldn't hide anywhere - there was nowhere to run.  Hubby has always been such a strong and supportive partner, and I know that the painful talks through the night have all been sorted.  I just need to hope I can carry on.  My emotions are low and my heart feels like it is breaking (I'm not even close to my 2 week wait yet!)

Anyway, after a short nap I realised that I have been a very poor blogger recently.  Uni exams are round the corner and revision is taking all my time.  But I have decided to write a weekly post - my Thankful Thursday (#thankfulthursday #TT).  I'm not sure if this is already on the circulation of Twitterverse, most likely.  But whatever, this is mine.

So each week I am going to write one thing that makes me grateful.  Since I am mid-cycle it will probably be IF related for a while, but let's see how this pans out.  So here goes for my 1st Thankful Thursday post...

Today, I am thankful for...Gonal-F!  I recently found out I have a poor egg reserve (low AMH) and this obviously filled me with the fears and worries about how well I would respond to the IVF stims this cycle.  Today I had my first monitoring scan and my ovaries are doing wonderfully - I have 12 follies on the right, and another 6 on the left!  That's 18 in total!!!!!

If I hadn't been laying down with wandy doing her business, I may have fallen off the table!

They're growing nicely too - some are already some good sizes.  I'm back to the clinic bright and early on Saturday for a second monitoring scan and bloodwork.  I'm keeping everything crossed that they continue to grow and blossom.

So there we are - Gonal-F you are working some magic in there, and for that I am very thankful.

I'd love to hear your Thankful Thursdays too!

xxxx