Just a day...

Well, as Saturdays go, yesterday was hugely uneventful.  In fact most of my days are that way at the moment.  I did manage to get loads of things on eBay and hopefully will get more on there later today, but apart from that and a quick dash out to the shops for something to eat we basically did nothing all day.

I am so hormonal at the moment...the hot flushes are unbearable, I'm shouting all the time for no reason and just can't sleep.  When will this stop?

Another 2 weeks before I see my GP for my last Zoladex injection (Yay!!!!!) and I will attempt to get some answers as to how long after this I should expect to suffer (to be fair, everyone at home is suffering with me too)

Well, that was my day.  Had a lovely chat with Mum and sister on the phone last night.  Little one continues to be the biggest chatterbox in the world, and I suppose it looks like I have the perfect life!

Decluttering and starting a new year at uni with a clear head!

Well, one room down and what seems like a dozen more to go.  I have started the listing of items on eBay this morning and just hope that I can get rid of them.  I'm not even that worried about how much they go for in the end - though i will admit that the money would be really helpful right now.  I have to see this as my Summer job, especially as hubby has spent the Summer buying "bargains" for me to sell!

I've taken a break today a bit to tackle the massive washing pile!  Typically though, as the washing machine finishes, the rain clouds come over.  Now I have to look like I'm living in a humid laundrette to get everything dry!

Oh well!  Watching 'How clean is your house?' which is making me feel better for the mess in my own home!

Don't be angry Mummy, they are driving perfect fast!

Hahaha, sometimes, just out of nowhere, something happens that makes all the sadness disappear and a massive smile appear in its place.  I know that I am...erm...an aggressive driver, but on the way to nursery, just driving along wondering what the day would have for me, my little boy decides to tell me:  "Mummy, don't be angry with that car, they are driving at the perfect speed.  You don't need to shout at them".

Well, that's it, my 3 year old has decided to start telling me what to do and telling me off if I do wrong.  Hahaha, I love him sooo much, all I could do was laugh and agree with him!

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare - I've decided to get rid of loads of stuff to make way for the deluge of Christmas presents that are only 105 days away.  Car boot and eBay here I come, but in the process I had to face the difficult decision of whether to keep all my baby things.  I know they take so much space, but in getting rid of them, I would be getting rid of all hope that there will ever be another baby in the house.  Hubby was fab about the whole thing, and through my watery eyes I could see his pain too.  We decided to keep everything.  As we said, we're giving the doctors 12 months to sort my body out before we just give up on being pregnant again, but then there is always the option to adopt.  I will be a Mummy again, and nothing will stop me.

I've decided to face this year head on.  I have uni to deal with and actually have to decide what the hell I am going to do with my life.  Bah, I'm nearly 30 and I feel like a teenager without any direction in life!  Oh well, I'm sure it'll appear to me one day, I just hope that it's sooner rather than later.

I seem to have bored you all long enough for now.  I'm going to try and achieve a daily blog until I know what I'm doing.  This is my personal therapy, so I hope that for anyone reading this, you can smile with me, laugh maybe, or just understand that we all have bad days once in a while.

xxxxx

Feeling hot, hot, hot...

Well another morning and another bad nights sleep.  The hot flushes are getting unbearable and though I've had to suffer them through the heat of the Summer for the last 4 1/2 months, knowing that I have another 6+ weeks left is just too much to cope with right now.

For some reason I have been in the worst mood with my hubby.  I just feel this anger, but for no reason, so I can't even shout and scream to let it out.  I know that this is the Zoladex, but it doesn't make it better.  Having a doctor that has no idea how to help is little help to me.  Suggesting HRT is one thing, but I desperately need these injections to work.  I need to somehow make the endometriosis ease up a bit, and why would I take something that stops the Zoladex doing what it's supposed to do?  And if I have another man or young woman tell me they understand what this feels like one more time, I may be in prison for battering them over the head with a blunt instrument!

The only thing that is getting me through the long hot night (well other than a massive fan blasting on me!) is the dreaming of beng able to go to the clinic again, start treatment, finding out I'm pregnant and telling everyone, finding a heartbeat at that first scan, thinking of baby names...  God I sound obsessed, and I think I am.  It may help when I go back to uni in a few weeks time.  Maybe?

I know I have just got to get through the next 10 months at uni and then we can go to the clinic and start the ball rolling to try for baby number 2.  I've never dreamed that the treatment won't work...is this positive optimism, or blind naivity?  Right now, I don't care and I can't afford to think otherwise.

Well, time to plow on with my new day.  I've got my little boy sat with me, and I can't imagine how I'd cope without him.  He really is my everything.  I have blocked out the pain, the fails and the stress when trying to conceive with him.  I think I need to, to cope with this right now.  My daydreams are all I have, please don't take them away from me.

Hello there!

Hi there!

This is me...I'm not really sure where to start.  Suppose everyone starts this way (?)

I want to say my life is perfect, but there is this big thing inside me which stops me being able to say that.  I know this sounds so ungrateful - I have a beautiful son, a doting husband and I'm studying at uni for a career that I have dreamed about for years, but the last 18 months has been excruciatingly painful, and unfortunately it doesn't seem that it is going to get any easier for a while yet.

I've had to sit and smile when 15 of my friends have announced pregnancy and the subsequent birth of their little ones, and all the time hiding my own grief and pain.

Admitting this makes me feel very guilty - I know that I have one baby and thousands of others don't have that.  If you read this, please don't hate me.

Well, that's me...