I need to apologise for being on such a downer recently. I'm aware of how depressing my blog has become. This post is somewhat of an explanation...apology...confession.
I have changed. I've become someone I don't like.
I've always prided myself in being someone who can put others first. Someone who can recognise pain in others and offer a moment to hold them, send them a gentle message or just be there for them. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, despite numerous times of it being crushed by careless and thoughtless people. This is who I am. I realise I sound like I'm trying to big myself up, but I'm not. I'm just made this way.
But since my miscarriage, I've changed.
I can barely leave the house in case I see someone I know. In case there is a pregnant bump (which of course there always is). I can't face logging onto Facebook in case there is another pregnancy announcement, another scan picture, another one of those automated pregnancy progress things. I have even struggled to log onto one of my greatest support networks Twitter.
I'm so sorry for this. I am so angry with myself. Yet seeing the start of another cycle, another beta day or another milestone along a pregnancy just breaks my heart.
Let me be clear - I NEVER begrudge those starting a cycle or celebrating their good news. I would never ask them to stop. They deserve this more than anyone I know. I truly mean this. I know this, yet there is this horrible part of me that cannot stop feeling jealous.
I know I will not get to cycle again. I know that my chance has been and gone. I know that my chance was stolen from me. And I think that this is the stem of my pain.
I have no-one to blame except myself. I lay every night thinking about all the things I did on the days leading up to the day I started bleeding. There was that the 15 minutes I was stood up at DJs nursery. There was the time I held my friends baby boy and he wanted to stand on my legs. There was the time I went shopping even though I felt poorly. Perhaps it was the way I sat, slept, walked.
The not knowing is torturing me. It's changed who I am.
Will I ever learn to cope with this pain and guilt? Will I learn to love again? Will I learn to celebrate?
For now, I hope you can forgive me. If you can't, please don't tell me. I can't cope with more guilt right now.
On my part, I promise I will find myself in time. I want to share your joy when I can. I want to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
xxxx
