Happy New Year!

I have thought about whether to do a look back at 2010 - many things have not been fantastic...well, they've actually been pretty rubbish, but there have been some bits which I can look back on and smile about.  Every year my mother-in-law buys us a cute calendar made up of photos of DJ and his family.  I keep this as a memory book for his days and adventures, so yesterday arrived and it came time to swap the calendars over.  I love our new calendar but taking a peek through the little scribbles in the boxes of the days of the last 12 months is always great too.  Unfortunately, the last few weeks have been tainted by DJ being poorly.  I'm starting to get worried about him, but the months before had been good in so many ways.  I've decided to share some of the highlights of 2010 (don't worry they're not all DJ focused I promised):

JANUARY - A very busy month filled with birthdays, starting with my Mum, then hubby and MIL (who share the same birthday), then FIL a week later.  Mixed in is Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary and a couple of friends birthdays too!  Just after Christmas, not what the bank account needs!  2010 was even more expensive though - my Mum turned 50 and then my MIL turned 60 the week later.  Mum decided that she was not celebrating any differently to any other year, and in respect of this I didn't buy a massive card with 50 emblazoned all over it - but my sister did (hahaha!).  However, for my MIL's birthday, FIL had asked me to arrange for her to have tea at the Ritz and invited us along as it was also hubby's birthday.  MIL had always wanted to have the whole experience, and so I booked a table for 4 and a special birthday cake to be delivered to the table.  It wasn't cheap mind you, but it was the most wonderful experience.  We all went down on the train and put on our glad-rags.  DJ stayed with my Mum and Dad so he had a great day too!  It was lovely, and I will remember it for a long time to come.

 Probably the most expensive birthday cake in the World - but it did taste devine!

 The after-math

FEBRUARY - The dullest month ever!

MARCH - March was filled with university stuff! So filled with stress!

APRIL - The definite highlight was my little brother's wedding day.  He was so happy and I was so very proud of him all day.  Though in early April, the weather was beautiful, in fact hot.  DJ was page boy, though he suddenly became very shy and would only walk down the aisle with his sunglasses on.  My sister was a bridesmaid, so he walked behind the bride looking like he should be in Reservoir Dogs!  I did feel bad, but both my brother and his new wife did see the funny side.  Knowing what I know now about my SIL I have no guilt, DJ could steal her thunder as she made her way to the altar!

With sunglasses still on, chasing confetti. Unfortunately, there are few pics of him actually smiling!

MAY - The month started badly with me being rushed to hospital and having to stay for in for a week.  But it always ends well - my little boy turned 3!  I am slightly emotional to think that my little boy has grown up but he is such a blessing and I am so very proud of him.

Two birthday cakes made by my own fair hand - one for home, the other for nursery. I was quite proud of my efforts though I was up until about 2am decorating the pirate ship!

JUNE - We went away to celebrate the end of my 1st year exams and DJ's birthday.  We were only away for a couple of days but it was great to escape for a while!

DJs pic from the SeaLife Centre. It was a great day - highly recommended!

JULY - DJ enjoyed the Summer with his Great Aunt. It was the first time he met her as she lives in Australia, but they got on amazingly from the second they met.  I know hubby was so pleased.

AUGUST - The heat was too much for me, so we had a few days playing in the garden in the paddling pool!

SEPTEMBER - Back to university!  Back to stress!  Also, our 7th wedding anniversary.

OCTOBER - Dulllllll!

NOVEMBER - My 30th! I was thoroughly spoilt the whole day!  But the least said about it, the better for me.  The realisation that I was getting old was a little too much for me on the day :(

DECEMBER - Christmas! This year was one of the best Christmas' I can remember.  I was surrounded by my family and the people that I love the most in the World.  DJ woke up and had the best day.  The best bit though was at bedtime when I asked DJ if he had had a good day and he replied:  "Yes, because I saw all my family".

Our trip on Santa's Express!

Sorry that this has been a long post.  I've found it great to think about the nice things of 2010.  As you can see, there haven't been that many.  The post of the cack that 2010 has delivered would be twice as long, but in the hope of starting 2011 positively, this will be great for now.

See you soon and have an amazing 2011!!!!

xxx

Christmas Wonderland, but back to Earth with a thud

Merry Christmas to you all!  I know that I am a little late (I like to call it fashionably making an entrance) but the thoughts are there.  I am looking forward to seeing the back of 2010, and welcoming 2011 with open arms.  I know that many people will share me in this too, though there is a few people in Twitter-verse that are ending 2010 with fantastic BFPs!!!!  I couldn't be happier for them if I tried (which I will of course!)

This Christmas has been wonderful.  DJ is just the perfect age to share the fun and joy of the whole occasion.  Yes, he did get very excited about the presents, but on Christmas Day night, as we laid in bed for our story and cuddle, he said that he has had "the best day ever because I got to see ALL my family!".  I am so pleased that he did manage to see all the people that he loves on the day.  My Mum and Dad acted as hosts to everyone - me, hubby and DJ, my littlest brother, my little brother (minus his new wife - I will explain in a bit), my little sister, my Nan and my mother- and father-in-law.  It was the Christmas I had wanted for DJ and I know that he loved every minute of sharing the day with the people that love him most and who he loves in return!

It started late - yes, I know that next year and the many after that will be earlier starts - but DJ stayed in bed until 9.10am.  This NEVER happens, but maybe Santa used a little too much sleepy dust on him the night before.  His little face when he saw the piles of presents under the tree was truly beautiful!

The rest of the day was fantastic - great food and great family.  I hope that you all had equally amazing days.

Boxing Day was spent round my in-laws, so we could share presents.  I hadn't wanted DJ to get them all on the one day.  Otherwise Boxing Day can seem a bit of an anti-climax.  DJ spent the day asking when we were going to get the boxes and what did we have to do with them.  Maybe next year I will get extra big boxes - rather than Boxing Day, we can have Boxes Day.  Hahaha, the naivety of little ones always makes me smile.

I have been thoroughly spoilt.  I know that hubby worked really hard scouring the internet for bargains to make the most of the measly budgets that we had this year.

But as with all good things, they must end.  Christmas Day was tarnished by the sadness I could see in my little brother's eyes.  He only got married in April and he is serving in the RAF.  I am exceptionally proud of him - he always knew that he wanted to fly, he worked hard to achieve his dream and now he does what he wants every day (well the days there is operational helicopters available, a grumble I'll save for days away from my blog!).  On his wedding day he looked so happy.  We all had our reservations, but as the day drew closer we all knew that if this is what he wants and what was going to make him happy, we would all share this with him.

However, first impressions are seldom wrong! My SIL (though it pains me to call her that) has decided that she only likes being married to my brother when he is away in Afghanistan or other away posting!  She has basically married my brother for the military life.  She once told me that being married to an officer in the RAF was like being a WAG, and she has finally achieved this status which leaves my brother only required for adding funds to the bank account!

I spoke to my brother today.  He has a week off after just coming home from a training exercise.  He sounds so hurt.  I am his big sister, I want to take this away from him.  I offered to call the 'Beetch' (more appropriate than SIL), but do I say?  Any tips would be welcomed!  Do I shout at her and tell her to get out of my brother's life, so he can move on and be happy?  Do I ask her to at least talk to my brother, to tell him why she suddenly can't stand being with him?  Just what do I say?  Please someone help!

I know that she has been cheating, my brother knows that she has.  He knows that marriage is something that needs forgiveness at times, patience most of the time and love all of the time.  She however, does not! :(

Well, now I have had a little tearful rant, I bid you 'Good Night' until the next time!

IVF - We're coming ready or not!!!

So yesterday, I had one last question for DJ (my gorgeous little boy) - are you excited about Christmas?  Of course the answer was a resounding YES, and then he went on to tell me what he would like for Christmas.  Now when I asked this question of him a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted drums, a flute and a piano. (he just adores music).  Did he want any toys?  No - "I have lots of toys and I don't have anywhere to put new ones Mummy".  Yes, i know, my little boy is very cute!  However, last night, cuddled up looking at the Christmas tree, he asked if he could have a brother for Christmas.  The second after was an awkward moment of silence until I tried to explain that Santa can't bring babies and that it needs a Mummy and Daddy to have enough love to make a baby.  I know that this may not be the right explanation - it isn't very inclusive, it isn't actually all that accurate, but it was the best i could do at the time!

as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time.  But the question did make me think about the next step.  Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life?  Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for?  And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.

We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision.  We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.

I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby.  I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me?  She already has a child and i only want one?  I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me.  I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet.  I know how lucky I am.  I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.

If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year.  Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.