I hate waiting!

Anyone who has been through any aspect of infertility will know that the one thing that you have to do a lot of is waiting!  You wait for this test, and that result.  You wait the infamous 2 week wait, and then (if you are lucky enough to get a BFP) you have to wait another to have a viability scan.  The waiting never seems to end.

So you would think that by now, after so many years of this torture, I would have SOME patience, and tolerance to the occasional delay etc.... well, you think wrong!

Waiting is perhaps the most agitating thing in my life.  I despise it!

Sometimes I think that my patience pot has dried up from being so heavily used over time.  It seems that I have less and less willingness to forgive people when they don't return my call that I am sat waiting for, or for the person to start moving when the traffic lights turn green.  The list is endless of the things that I cannot stand waiting for.

So if you have the (dis)pleasure of having to deal with me - please, please know that I am not very patient.  This is especially important if I am a student at the university where you work and you should be presenting a lecture which I have paid to be at! (Hint, hint)

Rant over, and now back to waiting to see if I receive my important phone call today...  Like I said, it never ends.

Pet peeve about pregnant fertiles

As most infertile women do, even before they have even had a BFP, they are fully aware of what pregnancy is supposed to be like.  We know all the milestones, all the early signs and all the feelings we should and shouldn't have.  We are a pregnancy dictionary in walking, talking form.  An expert by proxy.

I have been fortunate to be blessed with my little boy, DJ.  And I remember all the feelings that I had, wanted to have and didn't want to have throughout the whole IVF cycle and after my positive pregnancy test.

Without wanting to preach to the converted, but we all know that the heartbeat of your little growing embryo doesn't really emerge until around week 6.  At that moment, the embryo is precisely that - an embryo.  So this leads me to the peeve that I want to share with you all today.

Not only have I had to sit and listen to the tales of unexpected pregnancies or of 'only being trying for a month', but they then tell me they can FEEL their baby moving at 6 or 7 weeks!!!  One of my friends even said that during a recent concert she had been to (I think that it was a Queen tribute band) that she had felt her baby dancing!

I have actually heard this a few times.  I used to sit and nod, thinking that they just had wind!  But now, I tell them they just have wind.  I look at my framed scan pic of my little embryo taken at 7 weeks and 2 days and remember the magic of seeing that little delicate heartbeat flicker inside of me.  The life that was growing, yet being so small (hahaha, he didn't stay that way though!).  I know my friends are excited.  I sometimes feel bad for taking that away from them.  But I suppose that it's the final straw after they have regaled me with the details of their conception and how easy it was!

There are other things that annoy me, but for now this just had to be shared.  Do you have any similar stories?

Is this the turning point?

On Monday evening, I had some great news!  I have been selected to present my Summer research project to a conference in April!

I'm thrilled.  I know that the competition was tough, and I genuinely didn't think that I had a chance.  My tutor told me to submit my abstract as she thought it was a novel project, and would be of interest.  I was flattered at this, so to be selected (in the first stage of selection too!) was unbelievable.

I am using this as the well needed boost I need right now.  Until the nerves set in in a couple of weeks time when I start to write my presentation, I am just taking this as a great platform to change.

So yesterday, with this newly focused me, I went to my GP and demanded some pain relief for the pains which have been stopping me sleep for weeks.  They are getting worse and worse each day, so I decided that since we weren't in a cycle for at least a few months, I shouldn't allow myself to be a martyr to endometriosis!  They take a while to start working, but last night I got 4 hours solid sleep.  This is amazing for me and I'm hoping that the pains will start to ease over the week.

I also called the consultants secretary.  Unfortunately she wasn't at work (though her message said she works Tuesdays and there was no way of leaving a message for her to call me back).  This is a pet hate of mine.  I called LOTS yesterday to get the same message.  If you aren't there, leave a message to say so, or let me leave my details so you can call me back!

I also organised DJs follow consultation from his MRI for 23rd February.  Keeping my fingers crossed so hard for that.

Plus, I had a good work day at uni.

All in all, yesterday was a better day, and I'm staying hopeful that today can build on it.

My thought for today:  Gratitude opens your heart to happiness... So I am being grateful for the encouragement of my husband, my son and my tutor for their help this Summer, and the conference selection panel for having confidence in my work.