WTF appointment

On Tuesday was the dreaded day of our WTF appointment - the review appointment with the clinic following from our last IVF/ICSI cycle.

It was a day filled with memories and emotions - 5 years earlier I had been at the same clinic, in the same room waiting for my 1st down reg scan, plus it was the day I should have been celebrating being 16 weeks pregnant with my babies.

My sister had been for her scan on Monday and filled Facebook with the pics of her growing baby.  It turns out she is 11 weeks).

Mr H was lovely.  He is always so gentle and compassionate.  He recognised how much loosing our babies has hurt us, but he was positive and kept talking about the future.

We explained that the future is a little uncertain...we have no money, we have no way of getting any, and we are not sure we ever will.

It seems that my low AMH is not a concern, I just need higher stims (which of course means more money), my egg quality is good, hubby's swimmers are good, and he sees no reason why another cycle would end in the same way as it did this time.

For now we just have to try and save money and mend our hearts to see if we can ever go back to the clinic with a view to starting this whole thing again.

In the meantime, he is referring me to the gynae clinic to monitor my endo.  I have to stay on BCPs for a few months and then I'll be scanned again to check how that endometrioma has changed if at all.

I know I should have come out of the appointment more positive.  I did.  But I can't stop the feeling that the appointment shouldn't have happened.  I should have been able to hold onto my babies.  I should be at the hospital for a scan to check my babies, not some blood-filled, pain-causing mess inside me.

So the waiting continues

Even though I have taken a couple of tests and they have both come back as BFP, I am still scared.

I have cramps.  I keep feeling nauseous and I just hope that's a good sign.

My scan is 13th June, so just over 2 weeks to go.

I'm hoping I can start to get on with my revision next week, and this weekend is DJ's 4th birthday.

Please hurry up days and embies - hold on!!!!!

Official test day

OK, it is actually a day early, but the clinic advised me to take my home pregnancy test a day early.

So armed with my Clear Blue pregnancy test, at 6am I POAS.

And it was there - the positive result!  The test came back positive.  OMG - I think I'm pregnant!!!

But I am still filled with fear.  I've got cramps.  I just hope that means my little embryo(s) are snuggling in.

I wish the clinic did a confirmation blood test, but in their wisdom they don't do this anymore.  Instead I have to analyse and scrutinise home pregnancy tests!

For today, I am going to be happy!

I'm such a fool :(

Today I am 9 days past transfer, and as I went at 6pm to take my pessary, there was brown on the toilet paper.

Instantly, I burst into tears!  Today I had allowed myself to be positive.  I'd let myself believe that this could work.  I let myself believe that I could be pregnant.

As I saw the spotting, I felt stupid and foolish.  I hated myself for the pain that I had caused myself.

I immediately dashed to the nearest pregnancy test.  I POAS and no second line appeared.

At this moment, my heart just broke.  I couldn't bare the pain.

Hubby consoled me.  Despite wanting to just lie there for the rest of time, I knew DJ needed me and would be curious where I was.  So a quick splash of water and I prepared my 'happy' face.  Just then hubby called me and told me to come and have a look.

There it was, the VERY faint second line.  It was there, so it gave me the faintest glimmer of hope too.

I will POAS tomorrow morning and see what happens.  Until then, please hold on little ones.  I can't bare to know you have gone.

Waiting.... will it end?

The strain of the 2 week wait is unbearable.

I'm half way there and I can feel myself crumbling under the pressure.

I probably haven't helped myself by ordering pregnancy tests which arrived this morning.

Hold on little embies - PLEASE

Uni exams

The meds has had a terrible effect on my concentration.  I can hardly stay awake, and the doctors agreed that perhaps sitting my exams over the next couple weeks would not be the most advisable.

So I have been signed off uni for a couple of weeks, and I will be sitting my exams in August.

It is a relief, but I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being able to do all this.  I suppose I have to give in to somethings.

For now, I need to know my embies are looked after.

I'm home to 2 beautiful embies!

So I am officially PUPO with twins!

I had a little bit of a poorly tummy this morning.  Nerves seem to have got the better of me.

We walked into the theatre and there was a picture of 2 little embryos.  They were ours!!!!

The embryologist explained that we only had 2 embryos suitable for transfer and none had developed enough to make the freeze.  I was tinged with sadness that my little embryos didn't make it, but this was no different to last time, expect that we had a 3 day transfer.  So we regained our smiles, and concentrated all our efforts on making our 2 remaining embryos feel welcome!

The procedure was uncomfortable but not too bad.  The nurse and doctor were wonderful and cheery, which I think is so important.

Apparently, I have a lovely uterus!  (Shush, you are making me blush!)  My lining was nice and thick.  And then we saw our 2 little embryos get gentle pushed into what we hope will be their home for the next 8 months!!!

So here I am taking some bed rest for the next day or so.  I am taking it easy.  This needs to work.

Hold on little embies xxx

Embryo update!

This morning we had a little update on our little embryos.

We got the call about lunchtime - why does there have to be soooo much waiting?

The embryologist sounded cheerful when she called, so I was hopeful.

My embryos are doing really well.  All 8 are still growing!  2 are even a day ahead of their expected development.

At this moment, I am so excited.  I would love to have some embryos to freeze, but to have 2 suitable for transfer is the aim.

So everything is set for embryo transfer on Sunday.

PLEASE keep growing little ones.

Fertilisation report is in!

At exactly 8am the phone rang!

The embryologist made some gentle small talk and made sure I was ok.  Then the moment came - the blunt details of the fertilisation of my eggs.

So out of 12 eggs, 10 were suitable for ICSI, and this morning 8 had fertilised!

8!!!!!

I had aimed for 7 (this was how many I had from my successful IVF cycle) but we had a bonus one!

So now we have to wait until Friday morning (day 3).

So I can breathe a little sigh of relief.  For now, this is going brilliantly!

Egg collection!

First I need to apologise for me long absence.  After my trigger shot, I hid away from all things internet.  I couldn't cope with the strength of the emotions and I knew that I would be analysing every feeling.  I needed to hide away from Dr Google as much as I could!

But I did write for you my diary - here we are...

Today was egg collection.

We stayed away overnight so we could get to the clinic early.  As I had said before, hubby hasn't been well, so on the morning, it was decided that we would see what the frozen sperm was like before he tried to give a fresh sample.  It was a tough decision - one that hubby still is worried about and ashamed of.  No consolation will ease the disappointment he has in himself.

They collected 12 eggs!  Yay!  This was my target.  I'm not one for superstition but I did know that my successful cycle was after they collected 12 eggs.  So this was a great sign.

We met with the embryologist before we left.  They felt that they needed to use ICSI to give us the best chance with the frozen sperm, so all was agreed.

So now I am resting.  I always struggle with the sedation they use.  But I will be awake early tomorrow as I will be getting my fertilisation report around 8am.

So all I can do is hope.