All systems go!

Well the clinic did eventually get back to me.  And as I prepared myself for the news that this cycle was a no-go, the nurse just put me on hold.  When she came back she said 'Change of plan, start down reg tonight'.

You might be having the same reaction to this statement as I did - WHAT?  Yes, I have to start down reg straight away!  I am still struggling to get my head around this.  Has anyone ever had to do this?  I explained that AF is now in full flow and was she sure that this would be right.  After her reassuring me for the third (or fourth) time, last night was my first down reg injection!!!!!

Everything went ok.  Despite not working out for a while due to the operations, pain and anything else you can throw at me, my thigh muscles seem to have toughened up.  OUCH!  And who knew 0.5ml was such a lot? Hahaha!

So I'm now on the way.  I am still filled with so many fears that this isn't going to work as I had hoped.  It already has thrown a spanner into the works, but I am determined to keep some hope.  At the end of the day, this is all we have, right?

I just want to say a massive thank you to all the lovely, gorgeous people on Twitter who were such an amazing support yesterday.  I know that I am very lucky to have their support through this whole experience. xx

Can I be honest?

At this moment in time, I'm exhausted.  I haven't slept properly for too long.  The moment I lie my head down on the pillow, my brain goes into over drive.

I am a list person and many years ago, I have a psychologist tell me that I should use this obsession to write down everything that I am thinking about and then rank them into a realistic to-do list.  So here I go, in no particular order:

• I'm behind with my uni work - I have assignments and exams coming up, I have missed a few lectures because of being such wuss after my laparoscopy, I'm running out of time and I'm not sure how to make it up
• I'm obsessed with every feeling, cramp, ache and pain in my tummy - has the laparoscopy done enough to relieve some of the endo pain? Will I get AF on time? Why am I still getting pains after 2 weeks? Is the cyst, still claiming squatters rights on my right ovary going to be a problem when I start IVF?
• The house is a tip!  Hubby has been trying to deal with some of the jobs but there are so many still not done.  When the hell am I supposed to fit that into my day?
• What if AF is late?  I am on such a tight time frame around exams and uni work that I really need AF to show up on time and not mess me about
• What does it mean now I know I have a low egg reserve?  Yes, I know it means more drugs and therefore more money (which is another side issue) but what if I don't get eggs on this cycle?  What if I never get enough eggs?

And this leads me to share the biggest problem that I have right now - I'M SCARED!  I know that there is the normal nerves etc about starting a treatment cycle, but I'm so petrified that this is not going to work for me.  What if this doesn't work for me?  What if I am pushing myself into this cycle?  I've waited so long to get to this stage yet I can't explain this intense fear.

I know that they say that unless you take risks you will never achieve anything, but taking the leap is tough.

I am so overwhelmed with the world at the moment.  This feeling is pretty new to me - I constantly strive to be in control.  I berate myself when things don't go to plan, and scrutinise them to make sure it never happens again.  But this is not the me at the moment.  Even running out of milk reduces me to tears.

How am I supposed to get through the next few months?  Someone wake me when it's over please

xx

Post-op Day 4 - out come the bruises and a surprise call

After thinking I was feeling better yesterday, I had a rubbish night’s sleep and I have a really sore tummy today.  I may have been a bit premature trying to come off all the meds yesterday, and with the bruising come through on the outside, I guess that it is doing the same on the inside too.

As much as I sound like a baby, this is sore.  I know that it actually hurts less than when AF paid me her last visit, but I am being a girly about this.  I keep going thinking about the bigger picture now – I can feel the next step.  In fact, it has become more of a reality this afternoon.  I called the clinic this morning to ask them about what do I need to do to get onto a treatment cycle after my next period... Of course, I rang at lunch so they were all busy.  I was expecting a call back tomorrow, but then I’ve just had a surprise call from a nurse – can I go in tomorrow for my AMH test?

Oh my GOD!!! This is starting to feel more real.  I have waited for so long, that I was unsure whether this would ever arrive.  This test will mean that I am on the books for the next cycle block – one more period, and then hopefully I will be starting down reg.

Now I have suddenly become filled with nerves and fears.  The ‘what ifs’ that fill every IVFers life.  I am scared.  I hate myself for admitting this.  I am staying confident (as best as I can).  I am staying focused.  BUT I am so frickin’ scared.  What if this doesn’t work?  Our money tree is really bare.  This is our one and only chance – unless of course the lottery plans to show us a win.  I need to stop thinking about this for now.  I need to concentrate on some uni work.  I need to concentrate on getting stronger for tomorrow so that I can get this test done.  I need to remember that this is just one pre-treatment test.  I can take a break before we start the cycle if I don’t think that I can do it.

How stupid must I sound?  Within the matter of a page, I have gone through a full spectrum of emotions – maybe I need to get some sleep.