I know that I haven't managed to bring myself to blog for a while, and as such my Thankful Thursdays have been a victim of neglect, but let's see how this goes...
This week seems to have passed in a little bit of a blur of uni, school runs and emotions. Yet sat here now, just back from DJs first harvest festival, I am reminded of the words of the Reverend a few moments ago - 'let us be thankful for what we have'.
I'll be honest, I'm not what someone would describe as a practicing Christian. I live my life good (or try to) and I think that is more important that visiting your local Church and playing lip service to the meaning of the messages you hear... I hope that makes sense, and doesn't offend.
Anyway, as we sat in quiet prayer, the soft voice of the Reverend spoke a beautiful prayer. Intended for the children about how we should be thankful for the plentiful food we have, but as he spoke, all I could think was how terrible I have been in the last few months. I haven't truly celebrated what I DO have, and focused on the injustice and things I have lost.
I suppose sitting in the middle of a packed church, silently crying wasn't the intention, but still it was a little moment when I thought about getting myself in forward gear.
I don't ever think that you let go of your grief.
I don't think that you should forget.
I don't want to ever forget.
But I know you have to move forward. I know that you have to learn to live with grief in your life, but not with grief being your life.
In so many ways I feel guilty for moving forward. As I've been living in a state of autopilot much of the time, I have avoided the feelings, but as I am trying to fight the emotional battle of moving forward, I am fighting the guilt of leaving a life that should have been and isn't.
Showing posts with label positive thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive thinking. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Another Thankful Thursday
I am perhaps too tired to do this today after only 4 hours sleep last night. but I'll have a good go none-the-less!
I am thankful to Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for the fantastic knights costume I won through their competition! Every night, as we switch out the lights, I ask him what he is going to dream of, and every night for as long as I can remember he has always replied with: 'I dream I am a knight in shining armour'. Every time he has made a wish, he has wished to be a knight... so when the costume arrived, I was so excited for him.
When he opened the box and tried on his new outfit, his face was amazing!
So thank you to Sonia at Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for making DJ's and my day!
I must have been on a lucky streak, because I also won the Euromillions lottery on Tuesday. I won...wait for it...the massive amount of..........£2.60!!!!!
Now I have been dreaming about how I would spend the millions if I were to win, and the list is endless. I'm not sure how far my winnings will stretch, but I am putting them in the kitty for a rainy day. I might be able to afford an old-ladies plastic rain cap ;)
I am thankful to Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for the fantastic knights costume I won through their competition! Every night, as we switch out the lights, I ask him what he is going to dream of, and every night for as long as I can remember he has always replied with: 'I dream I am a knight in shining armour'. Every time he has made a wish, he has wished to be a knight... so when the costume arrived, I was so excited for him.
When he opened the box and tried on his new outfit, his face was amazing!
So thank you to Sonia at Mummy_Loves and Dreambox Parties for making DJ's and my day!
I must have been on a lucky streak, because I also won the Euromillions lottery on Tuesday. I won...wait for it...the massive amount of..........£2.60!!!!!
Now I have been dreaming about how I would spend the millions if I were to win, and the list is endless. I'm not sure how far my winnings will stretch, but I am putting them in the kitty for a rainy day. I might be able to afford an old-ladies plastic rain cap ;)
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Lesson for the day
Yesterday was a shock to my system to say the least! And I have learned one massive lesson from it...NEVER, EVER take anything for granted when it comes to infertility or treatment cycles!
I am fairly lucky in that AF is punctual. I know that 31 days after her last visit, she will show up again. I know that she likes to be the centre of attention, so if I have some stress going on, she sometimes waits a couple of days so I can pay her the true attention she feels she deserves, but she is not one for showing up early.
She has recently tortured me, showing up 6 days late when I just wanted to get this show on the road, but yesterday was her ultimate show-piece! Showing up 12 days early!!!
I know that I am still going on with the cycle, but this has been a hiccup I, one, wasn't expecting; and two, didn't need. I now have to wait until 26th April for my down reg scan to see if this cycle is a no starter. Yay to 3 weeks of injections, with the uncertainty that this is going to be worth it anyway.
So here is the lesson I learned yesterday, and which I will share with you - when you are dealing with infertility, always expect the unexpected. Of course this can be positive, for example, receiving a BFP when you didn't have any hint it was on it's way; it might be that one injection doesn't sting as much as the rest; or AF deciding to do her own thing. Whatever it is, you will come through the other end. xx
I am fairly lucky in that AF is punctual. I know that 31 days after her last visit, she will show up again. I know that she likes to be the centre of attention, so if I have some stress going on, she sometimes waits a couple of days so I can pay her the true attention she feels she deserves, but she is not one for showing up early.
She has recently tortured me, showing up 6 days late when I just wanted to get this show on the road, but yesterday was her ultimate show-piece! Showing up 12 days early!!!
I know that I am still going on with the cycle, but this has been a hiccup I, one, wasn't expecting; and two, didn't need. I now have to wait until 26th April for my down reg scan to see if this cycle is a no starter. Yay to 3 weeks of injections, with the uncertainty that this is going to be worth it anyway.
So here is the lesson I learned yesterday, and which I will share with you - when you are dealing with infertility, always expect the unexpected. Of course this can be positive, for example, receiving a BFP when you didn't have any hint it was on it's way; it might be that one injection doesn't sting as much as the rest; or AF deciding to do her own thing. Whatever it is, you will come through the other end. xx
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Tick, tock. Tick, tock - trying to silence the clock
I know that this is something that many people are aware of, but for those suffering infertility, the tick tock of time is louder than most could imagine. There's the obvious ticking of the old biological clock. We are inundated with reminders that after 35, fertility drops; we see our same age (or younger) friends embark on parenthood; we feel the yearning to be a parent that is our innate desire...actually it is more than a desire - it is a NEED!
With every month there are other clocks ticking along loudly in our heads - the waiting for ovulation, the waiting for your partner to BD with you after work, the waiting to see if this time it's "the one".
This is almost made worse when you introduce treatments into the equation - waiting for AF to start to actually start treatment, the waiting for scans and bloodwork to see if you are progressing properly (and why are clinics so slow to call back? Or is it just that we are so acutely aware of time?), the wait to see if they can retrieve any eggs, and then the wait to see if they are fertilised. You would therefore think that the 2ww to see if you are actually pregnant would be easy - HELL NO!!! This is perhaps the longest 2 weeks you will ever experience. If only our 2 week holiday would go so slowly!
I know that this is no reminder for anyone who is TTC and/or battle through infertility. For those just starting out on this journey - I just wish you didn't have to experience this long fight to become a parent.
I have been trying to think of ways to quieten the ticking. There is no way to silence it, so you just have to accept that and hope that you can get through an hour without hearing it blaring loudly. I have tried meditation, but all this does it make my mind clearer for the clock to be louder. I have tried distraction - to be honest this is one of the best tools I have. But it is night time when it is the worse. When you turn off the light, place your head on that lovely fluffy pillow and start to search for sleep. This is when it hits me the most.
I have tried playing games. My favourite is the alphabet game (chose a topic and go through the alphabet), I have even tried counting sheep.
But I have found something - I originally thought it was the worng thing to do, but if it works... I now lay my hands on my tummy and talk to my uterus. I know many of you do meditate and talk to you uterus too. I never really thought about before. I'm so pleased I have tried it, I feel that in those times when I can do nothing to stop the passing of time, or make the waiting easier, I have some control on what the future will bring.
As distorted and scarred my uterus and co are, I need them right now. And you need yours too, so value them. I know it's easy to hate. You need to be angry at something sometimes, but for a while (until you are holding baby in your arms) don't hate the only gift that you have (oh, and your doctor!)
xxx
With every month there are other clocks ticking along loudly in our heads - the waiting for ovulation, the waiting for your partner to BD with you after work, the waiting to see if this time it's "the one".
This is almost made worse when you introduce treatments into the equation - waiting for AF to start to actually start treatment, the waiting for scans and bloodwork to see if you are progressing properly (and why are clinics so slow to call back? Or is it just that we are so acutely aware of time?), the wait to see if they can retrieve any eggs, and then the wait to see if they are fertilised. You would therefore think that the 2ww to see if you are actually pregnant would be easy - HELL NO!!! This is perhaps the longest 2 weeks you will ever experience. If only our 2 week holiday would go so slowly!
I know that this is no reminder for anyone who is TTC and/or battle through infertility. For those just starting out on this journey - I just wish you didn't have to experience this long fight to become a parent.
I have been trying to think of ways to quieten the ticking. There is no way to silence it, so you just have to accept that and hope that you can get through an hour without hearing it blaring loudly. I have tried meditation, but all this does it make my mind clearer for the clock to be louder. I have tried distraction - to be honest this is one of the best tools I have. But it is night time when it is the worse. When you turn off the light, place your head on that lovely fluffy pillow and start to search for sleep. This is when it hits me the most.
I have tried playing games. My favourite is the alphabet game (chose a topic and go through the alphabet), I have even tried counting sheep.
But I have found something - I originally thought it was the worng thing to do, but if it works... I now lay my hands on my tummy and talk to my uterus. I know many of you do meditate and talk to you uterus too. I never really thought about before. I'm so pleased I have tried it, I feel that in those times when I can do nothing to stop the passing of time, or make the waiting easier, I have some control on what the future will bring.
As distorted and scarred my uterus and co are, I need them right now. And you need yours too, so value them. I know it's easy to hate. You need to be angry at something sometimes, but for a while (until you are holding baby in your arms) don't hate the only gift that you have (oh, and your doctor!)
xxx
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Making it official and a spreadsheet of Hope
I had a call from the clinic yesterday to arrange an appointment for us to go in to sign all the consent forms etc. I know that this is silly, but I am so excited because this seems to be the bit that makes the next step official.
I know that this journey has many twists and turns to come. I'm not expecting it to be a pain free ride. BUT I am feeling like there is some hope that this might work. I know that I may have thought about this too much, and if you have read any of my previous posts you will realise that this is just the way I am. I like lists and I like plans. So in the usual Dawn-style, I have created....an Excel spreadsheet!
My spreadsheet has calculated all the key dates and this has given more hope that I could muster in myself alone. Here's why:
1. I will be starting stims when I have broken up from uni for exam leave. That means that I will be able to get to all the early morning scans and blood works without having to worry about the balancing act and trying to explain to others why I am a bit late
2. I will be at the end of my 2ww when my exams start. I'm trying to see this as a good thing - having something to distract me from the constant obsessing. I know it won't work, but there's no harm in wishful thinking on this.
3. My due date would be hubby's birthday ish. As he shares his birthday with his Mum, having a little one share his birthday would be fantastic. It just seems to be destined to share his birthday.
Anyone that is TTC will know that we do tend to focus on the smallest of little signs that this is it (or perhaps it's only me). I love to see order in chaos and so I am grasping onto these 3 points with all the hope and love I can find.
I suppose only time will tell, but for now, I am counting down the days until we start the injections once again!
T minus 15 days and counting :)
xxx
I know that this journey has many twists and turns to come. I'm not expecting it to be a pain free ride. BUT I am feeling like there is some hope that this might work. I know that I may have thought about this too much, and if you have read any of my previous posts you will realise that this is just the way I am. I like lists and I like plans. So in the usual Dawn-style, I have created....an Excel spreadsheet!
My spreadsheet has calculated all the key dates and this has given more hope that I could muster in myself alone. Here's why:
1. I will be starting stims when I have broken up from uni for exam leave. That means that I will be able to get to all the early morning scans and blood works without having to worry about the balancing act and trying to explain to others why I am a bit late
2. I will be at the end of my 2ww when my exams start. I'm trying to see this as a good thing - having something to distract me from the constant obsessing. I know it won't work, but there's no harm in wishful thinking on this.
3. My due date would be hubby's birthday ish. As he shares his birthday with his Mum, having a little one share his birthday would be fantastic. It just seems to be destined to share his birthday.
Anyone that is TTC will know that we do tend to focus on the smallest of little signs that this is it (or perhaps it's only me). I love to see order in chaos and so I am grasping onto these 3 points with all the hope and love I can find.
I suppose only time will tell, but for now, I am counting down the days until we start the injections once again!
T minus 15 days and counting :)
xxx
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Yay! Get ready IVF, here we come!
I'm sorry I've been missing for a little while. My own computer has decided to die a long and painful death, so I am having to use a borrowed computer which didn't like logging on. Why are computers so unhelpful sometimes?
Anyway, Saturday saw the eventual arrival of AF - a whole 6 days late. Normally this is a blessing, but this month was different. This month I wanted her to arrive on time, because this month I wanted to book onto an IVF treatment cycle.
I'd spoken to the clinic and they explained that my best chance of getting onto my preferred block would be if AF arrived over the weekend or Monday since their blocks run Saturday to Friday. Last week was like a reverse 2ww - the constant going to the loo, the constant checking of the paper after, being conscious of EVERY feeling in that area. I barely managed, so Heaven knows how the real 2ww will be.
But when Saturday lunchtime brought AF, I was over the moon! I have to be honest, the pains were not so fantastic. I might blog about my disappointment of that another day, but for now nothing is going to detract from the complete happiness of starting this journey again.
I called the clinic on Monday morning, and after a few false starts (no replies, missing secretaries etc) I eventually got 'the' call - I am on my treatment block for IVF and I will start down reg in 17 days!!!!
I know there is such a lot of hurdles to go, but right now just getting AF and getting onto a treatment block is good for me. I'm so excited. Yes, I am filled with fears and worries, but for now I just want to enjoy this moment. I'll save my fears post for another day
xxxx
Anyway, Saturday saw the eventual arrival of AF - a whole 6 days late. Normally this is a blessing, but this month was different. This month I wanted her to arrive on time, because this month I wanted to book onto an IVF treatment cycle.
I'd spoken to the clinic and they explained that my best chance of getting onto my preferred block would be if AF arrived over the weekend or Monday since their blocks run Saturday to Friday. Last week was like a reverse 2ww - the constant going to the loo, the constant checking of the paper after, being conscious of EVERY feeling in that area. I barely managed, so Heaven knows how the real 2ww will be.
But when Saturday lunchtime brought AF, I was over the moon! I have to be honest, the pains were not so fantastic. I might blog about my disappointment of that another day, but for now nothing is going to detract from the complete happiness of starting this journey again.
I called the clinic on Monday morning, and after a few false starts (no replies, missing secretaries etc) I eventually got 'the' call - I am on my treatment block for IVF and I will start down reg in 17 days!!!!
I know there is such a lot of hurdles to go, but right now just getting AF and getting onto a treatment block is good for me. I'm so excited. Yes, I am filled with fears and worries, but for now I just want to enjoy this moment. I'll save my fears post for another day
xxxx
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Brief catch up
OK, since my last post I have been running round like some demented woman, and this is the 1st day I have had chance to get to my PC to write anything!
As I mentioned before, I am trying to get my uni work back on track. It appears that this is harder than I anticipated. Where do the hours go in a day?
Anyhow, I've been taking some new pain killers for the pelvic pain recommended by Mr H. I started to take them with so much hope. I expected them to take a few days (a week even) to start to have any effect. I know research shows that positive thinking can have massive implications for medication. Crikey, even placebos have shown to have effects in drug trials! So why on Earth am I still in so much pain? The burning, the throbbing, the general ARGHness of it all is still there. Maybe it has taken some of it away, maybe?
But the most important thing this week has been the openness between me and DH. After having a lengthy and open conversation about how we both felt we have both tried to give each other a few minutes at the end of the day to say how we are today. OK, sometimes, these 'few minutes' turn into a couple of hours, but it has made things a little better. Well, that was until the other day when I managed to say something that led to a long and tiring argument. This is what IF does to you, it makes you see things from an isolated perspective, it makes you hurt the people you love and care about. We did get through it, but if I can offer any advice to you starting on the IF journey - you need to develop the skill to say sorry when you perhaps don't want to, you have to show more compassion for your partner, family and friends, and you have to sometimes give yourself the time to cry, shout and scream. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions, more than you ever thought possible, it takes time and patience to reach the end. Some people don't make it to the end - relationships crumble, people decide that the pain of having an empty spare room is less than the pain of trying to turn it into a nursery. Others take alternative routes, creating their families without invasive fertility treatments (however, I know that adoption is just as painful and emotional). Whatever path IF takes you, you are a changed person at the other end, often for the better, but as in all things, all good comes with bad.
I don't intend on ending on such a bad note, so I will share with you the message from calendar today. I have one of those calendars which has an uplifting message or feel-good tip for the day (a wonderful gift from my mother in law).
Today, I have this message:
It may sound odd, but I am grateful for __________________________ (something very common)
So today I will fill the gap with...books. I love reading. You can travel to new places, meet new people and learn amazing new things. I don't get to read as many non-academic books any more, but thankfully I love learning. What are you grateful for today?
As I mentioned before, I am trying to get my uni work back on track. It appears that this is harder than I anticipated. Where do the hours go in a day?
Anyhow, I've been taking some new pain killers for the pelvic pain recommended by Mr H. I started to take them with so much hope. I expected them to take a few days (a week even) to start to have any effect. I know research shows that positive thinking can have massive implications for medication. Crikey, even placebos have shown to have effects in drug trials! So why on Earth am I still in so much pain? The burning, the throbbing, the general ARGHness of it all is still there. Maybe it has taken some of it away, maybe?
But the most important thing this week has been the openness between me and DH. After having a lengthy and open conversation about how we both felt we have both tried to give each other a few minutes at the end of the day to say how we are today. OK, sometimes, these 'few minutes' turn into a couple of hours, but it has made things a little better. Well, that was until the other day when I managed to say something that led to a long and tiring argument. This is what IF does to you, it makes you see things from an isolated perspective, it makes you hurt the people you love and care about. We did get through it, but if I can offer any advice to you starting on the IF journey - you need to develop the skill to say sorry when you perhaps don't want to, you have to show more compassion for your partner, family and friends, and you have to sometimes give yourself the time to cry, shout and scream. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions, more than you ever thought possible, it takes time and patience to reach the end. Some people don't make it to the end - relationships crumble, people decide that the pain of having an empty spare room is less than the pain of trying to turn it into a nursery. Others take alternative routes, creating their families without invasive fertility treatments (however, I know that adoption is just as painful and emotional). Whatever path IF takes you, you are a changed person at the other end, often for the better, but as in all things, all good comes with bad.
I don't intend on ending on such a bad note, so I will share with you the message from calendar today. I have one of those calendars which has an uplifting message or feel-good tip for the day (a wonderful gift from my mother in law).
Today, I have this message:
It may sound odd, but I am grateful for __________________________ (something very common)
So today I will fill the gap with...books. I love reading. You can travel to new places, meet new people and learn amazing new things. I don't get to read as many non-academic books any more, but thankfully I love learning. What are you grateful for today?
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Is this the turning point?
On Monday evening, I had some great news! I have been selected to present my Summer research project to a conference in April!
I'm thrilled. I know that the competition was tough, and I genuinely didn't think that I had a chance. My tutor told me to submit my abstract as she thought it was a novel project, and would be of interest. I was flattered at this, so to be selected (in the first stage of selection too!) was unbelievable.
I am using this as the well needed boost I need right now. Until the nerves set in in a couple of weeks time when I start to write my presentation, I am just taking this as a great platform to change.
So yesterday, with this newly focused me, I went to my GP and demanded some pain relief for the pains which have been stopping me sleep for weeks. They are getting worse and worse each day, so I decided that since we weren't in a cycle for at least a few months, I shouldn't allow myself to be a martyr to endometriosis! They take a while to start working, but last night I got 4 hours solid sleep. This is amazing for me and I'm hoping that the pains will start to ease over the week.
I also called the consultants secretary. Unfortunately she wasn't at work (though her message said she works Tuesdays and there was no way of leaving a message for her to call me back). This is a pet hate of mine. I called LOTS yesterday to get the same message. If you aren't there, leave a message to say so, or let me leave my details so you can call me back!
I also organised DJs follow consultation from his MRI for 23rd February. Keeping my fingers crossed so hard for that.
Plus, I had a good work day at uni.
All in all, yesterday was a better day, and I'm staying hopeful that today can build on it.
My thought for today: Gratitude opens your heart to happiness... So I am being grateful for the encouragement of my husband, my son and my tutor for their help this Summer, and the conference selection panel for having confidence in my work.
I'm thrilled. I know that the competition was tough, and I genuinely didn't think that I had a chance. My tutor told me to submit my abstract as she thought it was a novel project, and would be of interest. I was flattered at this, so to be selected (in the first stage of selection too!) was unbelievable.
I am using this as the well needed boost I need right now. Until the nerves set in in a couple of weeks time when I start to write my presentation, I am just taking this as a great platform to change.
So yesterday, with this newly focused me, I went to my GP and demanded some pain relief for the pains which have been stopping me sleep for weeks. They are getting worse and worse each day, so I decided that since we weren't in a cycle for at least a few months, I shouldn't allow myself to be a martyr to endometriosis! They take a while to start working, but last night I got 4 hours solid sleep. This is amazing for me and I'm hoping that the pains will start to ease over the week.
I also called the consultants secretary. Unfortunately she wasn't at work (though her message said she works Tuesdays and there was no way of leaving a message for her to call me back). This is a pet hate of mine. I called LOTS yesterday to get the same message. If you aren't there, leave a message to say so, or let me leave my details so you can call me back!
I also organised DJs follow consultation from his MRI for 23rd February. Keeping my fingers crossed so hard for that.
Plus, I had a good work day at uni.
All in all, yesterday was a better day, and I'm staying hopeful that today can build on it.
My thought for today: Gratitude opens your heart to happiness... So I am being grateful for the encouragement of my husband, my son and my tutor for their help this Summer, and the conference selection panel for having confidence in my work.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
I'm just not me...
Well, the last few days have been emotional. I have let everyone down, including myself - especially myself. I have lost focus on who I am, what I am working towards and where I want to be. I didn't want to do a 'how terrible 2010 has been' post, but the reality is that it has left me scarred in ways that I am only now truly realising.
The old saying goes 'if you have your health, then you have everything'. So what happens when you don't have your health? What happens when 'healthiness' walks out of the front door for a very long holiday? Last year my whole family was blighted with illness - my parents, my sister, my hubby, my son. I wasn't spared this ill-fate either, with the pains from endo being the worst that I can remember. Of course, you go on, you face each day and take on the the challenges that face you, but I have to admit, I ran out of energy a long time ago.
I'm in danger of writing a post of 'woe is me', filled with self-pity. That's not my intention, but right now I am feeling very broken. I can't stop the tears. I can't concentrate on the things more precious to me. I feel like I'm not really living.
I love university. I love learning. I always have, and my problems of adolescence (yes, more medical dramas which I might save for another day) stole my chance to go to uni when everyone thought I would go. I'm not sad about that. My course choice now is based on my experiences, my interests and my dreams for the future. I know I would have made the wrong choice at 18. However, since starting back in September, I just haven't been able to focus. The passion was lost in the hot flushes, the scans, the pain and the unending need for a baby. I know that my exams and essays of last term are going to be disappointing. I know that they won't be what I expect of myself. Am I strong enough to face the disappointment in myself? To be honest I'm not sure.
So this week, starting back to uni has been tough. I have decided though to face it head on, and recentre my love and passion. I am starting a 9-5 routine as best I can. I am working my little socks off (well, actually I always wear knee high socks, but you get the picture ;) ). Ill-health may have stolen me for the last 8 months, but I won't let it take this away too.
It's not just uni that has been affected. I've spent less time with my gorgeous hubby and son than they deserve. I feel guilty for not being able to give my hubby another baby. I feel guilty that I can't give my little boy the baby brother or sister he keeps asking for. So instead of sharing the guilt with them, I decided that I should hide away. That way the guilt was my own. In reality all I have done is made it twice as hard to talk to hubby about this because I picture the anger and hatred he has for me is the same as what I have for myself.
DH forced me to face this head-on last night. He told me to stop hiding. He told me he knew what I was doing. He reminded me that the want for a baby is OURS. Our IF is OURS. I love him so very much. After a lot of tears (from us both), I think that we have managed to start this journey together again.
IF is such a b*tch. It takes what is a natural and beautiful wish and turns it into a painful nightmare. Bringing a child into the world is about the sharing of love with another, yet IF manages to make it cold, clinical and traumatic. IF makes you hate yourself, it makes you envious of others, it makes you change. And not all the changes are for the better. But, some are. To survive IF you need to be strong. You need to know you are not alone. You need to have more love, more than can be imagined by others.
So here I am, still broken, still hurting, still filled with guilt and self-hate. But, I am going to make IF wish it hadn't messed with me. I am going to get my degree, I am going to be the best Mummy and wife that I can be. Whether it kills me along the way is another story, but for now I need to at least try.
The old saying goes 'if you have your health, then you have everything'. So what happens when you don't have your health? What happens when 'healthiness' walks out of the front door for a very long holiday? Last year my whole family was blighted with illness - my parents, my sister, my hubby, my son. I wasn't spared this ill-fate either, with the pains from endo being the worst that I can remember. Of course, you go on, you face each day and take on the the challenges that face you, but I have to admit, I ran out of energy a long time ago.
I'm in danger of writing a post of 'woe is me', filled with self-pity. That's not my intention, but right now I am feeling very broken. I can't stop the tears. I can't concentrate on the things more precious to me. I feel like I'm not really living.
I love university. I love learning. I always have, and my problems of adolescence (yes, more medical dramas which I might save for another day) stole my chance to go to uni when everyone thought I would go. I'm not sad about that. My course choice now is based on my experiences, my interests and my dreams for the future. I know I would have made the wrong choice at 18. However, since starting back in September, I just haven't been able to focus. The passion was lost in the hot flushes, the scans, the pain and the unending need for a baby. I know that my exams and essays of last term are going to be disappointing. I know that they won't be what I expect of myself. Am I strong enough to face the disappointment in myself? To be honest I'm not sure.
So this week, starting back to uni has been tough. I have decided though to face it head on, and recentre my love and passion. I am starting a 9-5 routine as best I can. I am working my little socks off (well, actually I always wear knee high socks, but you get the picture ;) ). Ill-health may have stolen me for the last 8 months, but I won't let it take this away too.
It's not just uni that has been affected. I've spent less time with my gorgeous hubby and son than they deserve. I feel guilty for not being able to give my hubby another baby. I feel guilty that I can't give my little boy the baby brother or sister he keeps asking for. So instead of sharing the guilt with them, I decided that I should hide away. That way the guilt was my own. In reality all I have done is made it twice as hard to talk to hubby about this because I picture the anger and hatred he has for me is the same as what I have for myself.
DH forced me to face this head-on last night. He told me to stop hiding. He told me he knew what I was doing. He reminded me that the want for a baby is OURS. Our IF is OURS. I love him so very much. After a lot of tears (from us both), I think that we have managed to start this journey together again.
IF is such a b*tch. It takes what is a natural and beautiful wish and turns it into a painful nightmare. Bringing a child into the world is about the sharing of love with another, yet IF manages to make it cold, clinical and traumatic. IF makes you hate yourself, it makes you envious of others, it makes you change. And not all the changes are for the better. But, some are. To survive IF you need to be strong. You need to know you are not alone. You need to have more love, more than can be imagined by others.
So here I am, still broken, still hurting, still filled with guilt and self-hate. But, I am going to make IF wish it hadn't messed with me. I am going to get my degree, I am going to be the best Mummy and wife that I can be. Whether it kills me along the way is another story, but for now I need to at least try.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Happy New Year!
I have thought about whether to do a look back at 2010 - many things have not been fantastic...well, they've actually been pretty rubbish, but there have been some bits which I can look back on and smile about. Every year my mother-in-law buys us a cute calendar made up of photos of DJ and his family. I keep this as a memory book for his days and adventures, so yesterday arrived and it came time to swap the calendars over. I love our new calendar but taking a peek through the little scribbles in the boxes of the days of the last 12 months is always great too. Unfortunately, the last few weeks have been tainted by DJ being poorly. I'm starting to get worried about him, but the months before had been good in so many ways. I've decided to share some of the highlights of 2010 (don't worry they're not all DJ focused I promised):
JANUARY - A very busy month filled with birthdays, starting with my Mum, then hubby and MIL (who share the same birthday), then FIL a week later. Mixed in is Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary and a couple of friends birthdays too! Just after Christmas, not what the bank account needs! 2010 was even more expensive though - my Mum turned 50 and then my MIL turned 60 the week later. Mum decided that she was not celebrating any differently to any other year, and in respect of this I didn't buy a massive card with 50 emblazoned all over it - but my sister did (hahaha!). However, for my MIL's birthday, FIL had asked me to arrange for her to have tea at the Ritz and invited us along as it was also hubby's birthday. MIL had always wanted to have the whole experience, and so I booked a table for 4 and a special birthday cake to be delivered to the table. It wasn't cheap mind you, but it was the most wonderful experience. We all went down on the train and put on our glad-rags. DJ stayed with my Mum and Dad so he had a great day too! It was lovely, and I will remember it for a long time to come.
FEBRUARY - The dullest month ever!
MARCH - March was filled with university stuff! So filled with stress!
APRIL - The definite highlight was my little brother's wedding day. He was so happy and I was so very proud of him all day. Though in early April, the weather was beautiful, in fact hot. DJ was page boy, though he suddenly became very shy and would only walk down the aisle with his sunglasses on. My sister was a bridesmaid, so he walked behind the bride looking like he should be in Reservoir Dogs! I did feel bad, but both my brother and his new wife did see the funny side. Knowing what I know now about my SIL I have no guilt, DJ could steal her thunder as she made her way to the altar!
MAY - The month started badly with me being rushed to hospital and having to stay for in for a week. But it always ends well - my little boy turned 3! I am slightly emotional to think that my little boy has grown up but he is such a blessing and I am so very proud of him.
JANUARY - A very busy month filled with birthdays, starting with my Mum, then hubby and MIL (who share the same birthday), then FIL a week later. Mixed in is Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary and a couple of friends birthdays too! Just after Christmas, not what the bank account needs! 2010 was even more expensive though - my Mum turned 50 and then my MIL turned 60 the week later. Mum decided that she was not celebrating any differently to any other year, and in respect of this I didn't buy a massive card with 50 emblazoned all over it - but my sister did (hahaha!). However, for my MIL's birthday, FIL had asked me to arrange for her to have tea at the Ritz and invited us along as it was also hubby's birthday. MIL had always wanted to have the whole experience, and so I booked a table for 4 and a special birthday cake to be delivered to the table. It wasn't cheap mind you, but it was the most wonderful experience. We all went down on the train and put on our glad-rags. DJ stayed with my Mum and Dad so he had a great day too! It was lovely, and I will remember it for a long time to come.
Probably the most expensive birthday cake in the World - but it did taste devine!
The after-math
FEBRUARY - The dullest month ever!
MARCH - March was filled with university stuff! So filled with stress!
APRIL - The definite highlight was my little brother's wedding day. He was so happy and I was so very proud of him all day. Though in early April, the weather was beautiful, in fact hot. DJ was page boy, though he suddenly became very shy and would only walk down the aisle with his sunglasses on. My sister was a bridesmaid, so he walked behind the bride looking like he should be in Reservoir Dogs! I did feel bad, but both my brother and his new wife did see the funny side. Knowing what I know now about my SIL I have no guilt, DJ could steal her thunder as she made her way to the altar!
With sunglasses still on, chasing confetti. Unfortunately, there are few pics of him actually smiling!
MAY - The month started badly with me being rushed to hospital and having to stay for in for a week. But it always ends well - my little boy turned 3! I am slightly emotional to think that my little boy has grown up but he is such a blessing and I am so very proud of him.
Two birthday cakes made by my own fair hand - one for home, the other for nursery. I was quite proud of my efforts though I was up until about 2am decorating the pirate ship!
JUNE - We went away to celebrate the end of my 1st year exams and DJ's birthday. We were only away for a couple of days but it was great to escape for a while!
DJs pic from the SeaLife Centre. It was a great day - highly recommended!
JULY - DJ enjoyed the Summer with his Great Aunt. It was the first time he met her as she lives in Australia, but they got on amazingly from the second they met. I know hubby was so pleased.
AUGUST - The heat was too much for me, so we had a few days playing in the garden in the paddling pool!
SEPTEMBER - Back to university! Back to stress! Also, our 7th wedding anniversary.
OCTOBER - Dulllllll!
NOVEMBER - My 30th! I was thoroughly spoilt the whole day! But the least said about it, the better for me. The realisation that I was getting old was a little too much for me on the day :(
DECEMBER - Christmas! This year was one of the best Christmas' I can remember. I was surrounded by my family and the people that I love the most in the World. DJ woke up and had the best day. The best bit though was at bedtime when I asked DJ if he had had a good day and he replied: "Yes, because I saw all my family".
Our trip on Santa's Express!
Sorry that this has been a long post. I've found it great to think about the nice things of 2010. As you can see, there haven't been that many. The post of the cack that 2010 has delivered would be twice as long, but in the hope of starting 2011 positively, this will be great for now.
See you soon and have an amazing 2011!!!!
xxx
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
IVF - We're coming ready or not!!!
So yesterday, I had one last question for DJ (my gorgeous little boy) - are you excited about Christmas? Of course the answer was a resounding YES, and then he went on to tell me what he would like for Christmas. Now when I asked this question of him a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted drums, a flute and a piano. (he just adores music). Did he want any toys? No - "I have lots of toys and I don't have anywhere to put new ones Mummy". Yes, i know, my little boy is very cute! However, last night, cuddled up looking at the Christmas tree, he asked if he could have a brother for Christmas. The second after was an awkward moment of silence until I tried to explain that Santa can't bring babies and that it needs a Mummy and Daddy to have enough love to make a baby. I know that this may not be the right explanation - it isn't very inclusive, it isn't actually all that accurate, but it was the best i could do at the time!
as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time. But the question did make me think about the next step. Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life? Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for? And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.
We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision. We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.
I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby. I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me? She already has a child and i only want one? I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet. I know how lucky I am. I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.
If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year. Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.
as you can guess, there was a few tears at bed time. But the question did make me think about the next step. Was i going to let the doctor's negativity be enough for me to give up the hope of having another baby in my life? Was I going to fight and do everything that I can to make this dream happen for? And the answer is that DH and i are not ready to give up the fight just yet.
We've just been to see our GP and told him that despite being told that things are not great inside me, we're not going to sit back and take that as a final decision. We're going to have IVF, we're going to be parents again.
I know that many people may not understand the need for another baby. I feel a lot of guilt for these feelings. I have been there and thought, why can't it be me? She already has a child and i only want one? I am really sorry, I hate myself for any pain or resentment you feel towards me. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make your journey tougher, but i can't give up just yet. I know how lucky I am. I also know that your time will come too, in one guise or another.
If IVF doesn't work for me though, i might try writing my letter to Santa next year. Maybe DJ has it right, and on Christmas morning, I'll find a little baby under the tree.
Saturday, 13 November 2010
Getting sorted!
Well I didn't hear from the doctor yesterday so I hope that means that my blood test came back ok, though I wish I knew why I still feel so rubbish. I think that it's the constant uncertainty about what is going on with me, whether my future is one of being a Mummy to one - will I ever be able to know the feeling of pregnancy again?
I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university. I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment). I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief. My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors! Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR! I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this. However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.
I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience. I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different. Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to. Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at... This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason. Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop. I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.
I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me. But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY! I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.
I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x
I have started to take steps to make my chances as good as possible - time is of the essence as my doctor keeps telling me, so I have spoken to university. I need to know that they will support me as I will not be able to afford my degree to get delayed (I need the money now to pay for treatment). I have to say my tutor was absolutely wonderful - knowing that I have someone that I can turn to at uni is such a relief. My search for this didn't start well - I went to 'student support services' only to be told I needed to see one of their counsellors! Seriously, I have know myself, and I DO NOT NEED A COUNSELLOR! I need practical advice about the uni policy etc to get me through this. However, I sat there and said all the right things to make them go away for a while.
I am a bit of an expert at getting rid of counsellors - it comes from years of experience. I haven't shared this before, but for some reason I have spent a long time thinking about my adolescence, mostly wishing that things had been different. Having had to spend a lot of time in hospital with an eating disorder means that I have developed the skills and knowledge to survive the questions, the accusations, the need for someone to blame, something to attach every feeling and emotion to. Sometimes there is nothing that causes it, sometimes there is no-one to point a finger at... This is the lesson I have had to learn about infertility - I have spent many years blaming myself (I don't think that starving myself throughout my teenage years was hugely helpful), I have searched for a reason. Lots are available - anorexia, hereditary endometriosis, my GP not believing me... but for me to survive today, I need to stop. I need to focus on the fact that I have to live with infertility, and learn to do that as positively as possible.
I will be honest, this isn't the case for everyday - some days I need to blame someone, I need to be angry at the world for the injustice that it has given me. But today, I have seen the pain shared by someone on Twitter and it has made me think that I need to be thankful for what I have TODAY! I have a small but supportive family around me, I have people that love me, and as alone as I can feel in my desperation and pain, I am not truly alone.
I just want to thank those that are there for me and I want to send a hug to those needing it - my only advice is to try and have one day where you appreciate those that you have around you and the smaller things in life x
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