First off I just want to ask that you don't judge me too much for this post.
As I have mentioned before, hubby has a degenerative bone condition which means that he suffers a lot of pain in his lower back and hips. From time to time this pain reaches a point where he cannot get out of bed - sometimes for a day, sometimes a few days, sometimes weeks at a time.
I know that this is tough for him, but sometimes I think people forget how hard it is for DJ and me. We are the ones that are left to care for him, and still live the normal life of being a family.
Recently, there has been more and more occasions of hubby being in bed than being with us as a family. This usually happens once or twice a year, when he is bed for at least a week, but it has been more like 4 or 5 this year so far.
And here is my confession - each time I am feeling more and more angry. I'm not angry with S as such; I'm angry that I am feeling more alone with each passing time. Alone and isolated. But I take it out on him. I hate myself for saying this, but I feel so much anger towards S it becomes painful.
DJ is amazing with his Daddy when he is poorly. He tries to understand (as well as any 4 year old can) how much his Daddy hurts and needs to rest to get better. But I hate this for him.
I really admire those people that care full-time for a loved one. I desperately wish I had more patience and tolerance for the pressure and strain disability places on me. I think that the unknown is what causes me to not cope with it when it does happen... I never know from one day to the next when and for how long it will be like this.
All I do know is that this is likely to become more and more frequent as time passes. Selfishly this makes me furious - doctors can cure so many diseases, yet this is beyond their remit. Instead, they drug him and hope that he can manage the pain.
I hate me for this. I have to learn to cope, but how?
